This Is My Life?

[kellymarie]

It's been just over 2 months since Josh's death, and I feel like I'm a new person that has just woken up and is stuck in my old life. I do all the things I used to do before Josh died; I get up each day, go to work, talk to friends and family, go to the gym, go out with friends, etc. But I don't actually feel like it's me doing all these things. I feel like I'm a completely new and different person but my life is the outer shell of who I used to be. New soul, old body. I never feel present in my life or present in the moment. Has anyone else experienced this? Because it certainly makes me feel crazy, especially since it makes me question my career choice, relationship with my mother and sister, and many other things I used to be at peace with in my life.

I'm also struggling with the fact that Josh and I had just gotten out of a year long, very intense relationship. I have not found any support groups or information on dealing with a difficult break-up compounded by a sudden death. Has anyone been in this or a similar situation?

Thanks for letting me listen to all of your stories.

[shell]

Kellymarie,

I have been in your situation. I fell in love with this guy when I was 19 and due to situations that are too complicated to go into here, he moved to another state. We kept in touch and saw each other when we could and had a weird on again, off again relationship. He was heavily involved in drugs and I knew I couldn't live that way, so I went on with my life without him, but I still kept in touch. He called me to say that he wanted to come see me and I told him I was dating this guy and that we would probably end up getting married. It was true, but it also was sort of a payback for times he wasn't there for me. Well, a month and a half later he was dead. Actually, I never did marry the guy I told him about. This happened many years ago, but I still love him to this day and still remember how I felt. I, too, felt like a new person and tried to go on with my old life. Actually, I only recently properly grieved for him. I had grieved, but not fully. Losing anyone you love changes your life forever and changes you and your perspectives on things. Add in the breakup right before the death and it can really add some more grief to the whole thing. So, you are not crazy. Just give yourself some time to think about it all and grieve for him. Your new self and your old self will merge eventually.

Hang in there, I know how much this hurts,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Kellymarie,

I found myself after one month, I was so numb I did not if I was coming or going... I did not want to do anything I used to do and all I wanted to do is stay at home and be by myself... I know find it hard after a year that I have the hardest time going out to meet people... I hope this helps Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

I find as time goes by, I want to be alone more too. It's strange. There are people I talk to that I see at least once a week (like people at stores, the neighbors, a friend who mows the lawn, etc.) and two close friends I talk on the phone with a lot (they live in other states), but beyond that I really don't want to talk to other people. Except my "family" on this board, of course! I think grief makes us sort of move "inward". And all the people who let us down, and proved they weren't real friends, doesn't make you exactly anxious to run out and make new friends!

Hugs,

Shell

[Trudy1964]

Shelley and Shell,

You guys seem to know exactly where I am right now. I don't want to talk to people right now. I snap at everyone. I have zero patience. People just get on my nerves. I don't feel like I'm angry about loosing my Mom. It just comes across that way I guess. Yet it comes across that way. On the other a hand, I let my daughter quit music lessons because I was tired of fighting with her about going. Grief is so exhausting.

Trudy

[spunkye]

Hi,

I know what you're all talking about. I just don't feel like going anywhere, talking to anyone...doing anything...although I am doing a bit more than I was a week or two ago. I'm retired, so my time is basically my own. I find if I don't do anything - like run errands, go to the market, do a little "therapy " shopping, I just "hang around", feel bored, sad, depressed and I eat. So I'll go somewhere - but I don't usually stay long - I just want to get home!!

Today I did that - and I was really tired when I got home - so I decided to take a little nap...I ended up in bed crying instead.

I still miss Dick so much - I just want to see him one more time and tell him how much I love him and what a wonderful life I had with him - and thank him for being such a good man and such a good husband.

I wish (I pray) I could accept it all the way through, that he's gone...I guess eventually I will...but so much of it is still so unreal...and it just feels crappy!

Love,

Benita

[shell]

Benita,

When I do go out (to run errands, etc.) I'm like you, I just can't wait to get home! I can only take most people in small doses. But, then again, keeping busy keeps us from thinking so much, so it's like being caught between a rock and a hard place!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, Dick. It can be so lonely, huh?

Hang in there.

Hugs to you,

Shell