Need Help In Knowing What To Do.

[jlyn76]

I have a really good friend of nine years that has been in my life for a long time. Just recently we decided we wanted to be more then just friends. We realized we both have very stong feelings for one another on top of a great friendship. His father just passed away and he has now been distancing himself not wanting to talk or see me. I guess I don't know how to handle it because I take it personal. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to come to me for comfort or just to talk. I am not sure what to do. Can someone explain this to me? or give me suggestions? I find myself getting angry because he doesn't call me or reach out to me. Was anyone else like this when they have gone thru painful losses in their lives? It has only been a few weeks since his fathers death but his behavior seems to be getting worse as far as not talking or wanting to interact with me. I just don't know if I should just leave him alone or do I continue to try to reach out to him. I don't want to get angry or take it personal but its hard. It also is really effecting me emotionally as well. I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I completely understand this is such a hard thing for him and I am trying not to be selfish but its just so difficult for me not to take it personal?

[KathyD]

Jlyn76,

I recently lost my father so I can relate to what your friend is doing and can assure you that his distancing himself from you is most likely not personal. I've sort of isolated myself socially since Dad died and it's only because right now I need to grieve alone. People have been well-meaning but grief is something you work through any way you can and I can see why you wouldn't understand why your friend doesn't want comfort, etc. At this point I don't either, haven't answered a lot of calls, etc., but it definitely isn't personal. I think your friend needs to work through his feelings and that when he's ready to enter the social world again he'll contact you. It just takes time. Maybe call him and let him know you're there for him whenever he wants and that you care, but I also wouldn't put pressure on him right now. I'm sure his feelings for you haven't changed, but he is going through a really tough process that is hard to understand unless you've been there. I hope this helps a little.

Kathy

[jlyn76]

Thanks Kathy I really appreciate your insight. It helps to hear from someone that has gone thru something similar. I guess I am the opposite when I deal with loss I need people around me. I know everyone grieves differently. It helps to hear from others on how they grieve. Thanks again!!

[shell]

Jlyn76,

I agree with Kathy. Let him know that whenever he needs you, you are there. Grief hits you so hard that you are really stunned and numb and totally out of it, especially in the beginning. I'm sure when he gets to where he can cope better, he will want to be with you again. But I have to warn you, sometimes it takes a long while. And I think men are probably afraid they are going to break down and cry and cry (which you do a lot of, and unexpectedly sometimes) and look weak. He may be afraid he'll do that and look like a fool.

Paul (one of our fellow posters), we need your input here!

I can understand completely how hurt you are feeling, and confused, but if you care about him, just hang in there. He'll come around eventually.

Shell

[jlyn76]

I've told him I'm here for him whenever he needs me. He told me last week somethings he needs to work thru on his own. So do I just leave him alone and not call or contact him no matter how long it takes? This is the 2nd death (grandpa) that he has gone thru in the last 6mos. He is seeing a counselor- that I found for him. Which of course is good!! It just really gets hard when I don't hear from him. I hate to sound selfish. But its rough on my emotionally. I feel like I'm becoming a little depressed myself.

Jlyn

[shell]

Jlyn,

Boy, this is a tough one. I know how you feel, cause I would feel exactly the same way! I think it probably would be best to just leave him alone for the time being. Maybe call him in a couple of weeks. Hopefully the counseling he is getting, thanks to you, will help him cope with the deaths. I know when my dad died (and four others close to us in like two and a half months) I didn't call any of my friends for at least two months. I just couldn't talk about it yet.

But there will come a time when he WILL want to talk (and maybe not about the deaths, just re-connect with the world) and I'm sure he will call you. I know how much his actions hurt you, and you are not being selfish, you just care about him. The only advice I can give is to let him have his space for now, as hard as that will be.

Hang in there, things will come around,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi. Per my buddy shell's request, I am jumping in with my input.

OK, this is tough to approach, due to the sensitivity, and the fact that not all men react the same way.

I need to say first that I have no close single female friend in my geographic area that would have made the offer you have done (to become closer and romantically involved) but I'll try to put myself in the hypothetical situation. Emphasis on the hypothetical.

OK, aside from the excellent advice that shell and kathyd has given you, all I can say is that you do, for the time being, need to give him some space to move around in. We guys don't do emotions very well, aren't trained in it except to supress them (who's idiotic idea was that?) and are generally not too thrilled with coming face-to-face with mortality issues. Especially since he suffered major losses within 6 months.

What you did for him so far, letting him know that you are there for him, and especially finding a grief counselor, is incomparable, and will not be forgotten. Oh, if I had someone like that in the immediate aftermath of my Mom's death last November. She would have been the proverbial 'pearl beyond great price'.

He is dealing with some very serious insecurity issues. His world is more than a little bit wrecked at the moment. In doing griefwork, a new person is being formed. He is going to be somewhat different thru this than before. Everyone is, in griefwork, male or female. It's a conversion experience, of sorts. Not that when he has sufficiently progressed thru it he will decide that he no longer needs you, but he has to sort out his new world now that these 2 loved ones are no longer in it. One analogy I've used on these boards several times (shell is prob sick of it ) is that its like he's pouring a new cement floor to stand on and walk on. The cement is still fresh, it'll be a while before he's comfortable with people walking on it. It needs to dry and become stable, solid. My own grief counselor likened it to growing a plant from seed, it needs to be nurtured and protected for a while before being transplanted.

He needs some space for the time being. And don't take it as a personal rejection. He knows you're there. Especially since you've been in each other's lives for 9 years. And he will remember who got the counselor for him. When his head clears a bit, he'll know you're there, in fact, he's prob counting on it. Not in a "taking you for granted" way, but in knowing that you are there and a safe harbor for him, once he's ready to come in from the stormy sea he's being buffeted in.

You seem to be a treasure, and good guys don't overlook those women. Have patience.

Hope this helps.

Paul

[jlyn76]

thx for your help

[shubom]

I have to agree with Paul. I'm single also, and if I had someone willing to help me go through this grief, I would have jumped at the chance. But unfortunately no one was there. I lost my mom, at 56, in Jan of this year of unknown causes. And I lost my dad 6 years ago. I'm completely shocked, taking everyday as slow as I can.

What I can say is that different people grieve differently.

When I lost my dad 6 years ago, I was only 23, so none of my friends understood. I learned to grieve that way, by closing myself off from the rest of the world, and only communicating with people who've experienced a similar thing. To me, they were the only people who understood exactly what I was feeling. I have to also say that a lot of my friends turned their back on me, so that contributed to the way I grieved.

I carried this, and after losing my mom, I did the same. It was unexpected and hard, and I shut down and didn't talk to anyone for at least 2 months. I mostly posted on grief forums and went to so many grief counselors my head is still spinning. Grieving was something I had to do on my own. By myself. I wanted to be alone...time to think...away from the world. It took a long time for me to relax and be ok in life again.

My younger sibling is another story. She has a boyfriend. and she communicated with all her friends, and went out and hung out. I couldn't understand it. She felt bad, but talking to people helped her grieve, even though those people didn't talk about the loss. Just their company and their liveliness helped her.

What I'm trying to say is that different people grieve differently. The way your friend is grieving is the way he knows how. Just give him time, and eventually he will come out of it, and seek you out. It takes time. No matter how you look at it, grieving is a solo thing. Don't take it personally.

I hope that helped. I hope your friend is doing better. I can feel the hurt.