Lost My Mom A Few Months Ago....feeling Crazy!

[Babs55]

My mom passed away the first week of March of this year. Her death was a two year journey that I walked with her as one of her caregivers. Now that she is gone I feel like I have gone crazy! From one day to the next, sometimes one hour to the next...I don't know what emotion I am going to be dealing with.

I am angry with my husband most of the time right now. He wants me to be this happy go lucky woman that always has a smile on her face and is always ready to enjoy life the minute he walks in the door from work...but I can't be that person for him at this time. We haven't even been married a year yet and he did not know my mom very long before she passed so I know he is not griefing her death as I am....and that's okay....what is not okay is for him to expect me to be able to be what he wants me to be for him at this time. There's just no way I can be!

How can I make him understand that I can hardly help myself at this time..much less be what he wants me to be for him.

Babs55

[shell]

Babs,

My deepest sympathies for your loss. You are not going crazy, you are just grieving, and it is a long, unpredictable progress. I'm so sorry you are having problems with your husband. Some of the other posters have complained about the same thing, and many of us single posters have complained about the same behavior in others in our lives, from friends and relatives. It is really hard to get someone to understand what you are going through. The only suggestion I could make is to possibly let him read some of the posts on this site that cover what grief is all about. Or if you think he would be willing to read something about it, get a book or print out some articles on grief. This site has a list of excellent book suggestions and articles.

Best of luck with him. Hope he can come to understand that you are going to be grieving for a long while probably and it is not easy.

But, most of all, be good to yourself, grieve as much as you want to, and remember that what you are feeling is normal.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[amanda]

oh babs my love,

i can definatly relate to you on this problem.

I lost my mum 16 may 05 and my husband had known her 20 years however he didnt like her.I think he must be the most insensitive man in the world.

He to expects me to be happy all the time,he asked me why ive changed,said i used to be care free and now i worry about everything and he is right,i do ,but not suprising if you look at the illnesses and deaths in my family in the last few years.

It has taken arguments and long discussions and my doctor putting me on meds to make him see that i cant just pull myself together

.

Marty T said to me all the time you try to keep happy and put on a brave face

you are still crying on the inside and your grief will wait there to be dealt with.she is so right.

I cant tell you how to deal with your husband as every relationship is different but if you need to vent i am here and totally understand.

all my love

amanda

Edited May 23, 2006 by amanda

[Babs55]

Shell and Amanda,

Your kind and understanding words to me at this time in my life mean more than I can ever really express.

Yesterday I felt I just could not take another day of this "craziness" and I prayed that God would give me comfort and show me that I was not alone in all that I was feeling. Later during this day God brought me to this forum and here I have been given a place of refuge to grieve in freedom and understanding.

Thank you two so much for assuring me that this "season" in my life is perfectly normal. And for assuring me that others are going through this same "season" in their lives too.

My husband is a good man...and he has tried to understand...and he actually thinks he is being helpful by saying things like, "Just let things roll off your back." or "If you just get out and have some fun, you'll forget all about it." I wish it were that easy! I feel thankful when I can just get out of bed and put one foot before the others some days or when I am able to get through the day actually having taken care of the things I feel needed to be done for that day. It's not that my husband can't understand...for he has been in this "season" too.... it's been over 25 years for him (he lost his first wife after routine gallbladder surgery and he was left to raise their two very young children and grieve at the same time).... I know it's not something he wants to look back on...it's just to painful for him to do this, even after all these years. I'm not asking him to look back and remember what pain grieving can bring....I'm just asking him to let me be free to grieve as I need to here. I miss the earthly presence of my mom, she is one of the few people I ever felt unconditional love from and there is so much I want to not forget about her.

I'm going to read the things that others have written here....I'm sure I will find comfort and reassurance that this journey of grief may take different twists and turns for each of us but we are not alone on this journey and we are not "crazy"

Babs

[NancyM]

Babs, I know how you feel about your husband not doing the right thing to help with your grieving, but I think most men feel that should be able to "fix" things for their wives, some do not have the skills of how to comfort, all they see is that you are hurting and they want to stop the hurt.

I lost my mom on Feb 24,2006, and I find that I get teary sometimes for no reason, just a thought of her will remind me how much I am missing her. My husband will say "what's wrong" I just want to scream, I really don't want to keep saying "I miss my mom" sometimes all you need is a hug and someone to hold you while you cry. No one can "fix" this for you, you have to go through all the stages of grief whatever that is for you, what we all need is support in our grieving, and allow us to grief at our own pace. We will never stop missing our loved ones and when people say it will get easier, at this point, I still have trouble believing that. I know it will never get easier, as so many on here have said you learn to live with it and move on. I know that my mom would want me to be happy and have the happy memories of her and the missing her part want hurt quite so much so I CAN have the happy memories.

There are lots of people here to vent to, come back often and read the posts. That's what I have been doing and it has helped me, So much so that I am able to send my first post today.

Nancy

[Babs55]

I'm glad you were able to post today NancyM. I'm also glad that this place of comfort and refuge for those who are grieving exists and that I was able to find it.

The pain of feeling alone in your grief and that no one can understand is to me as bad as the pain of grief itself. I have 5 sisters and 3 brothers who walked this journey of my mom's death with me and during the days up to her death we were all pretty much there for each other and for our mom. Even though we almost all live in separate states with our families, etc. those last few months when we knew moma was dying...we all came together and spent as much time with her and with each other as possible.

My five sisters and I took turns taking care of moma so she could stay in her own home except for the few times she had to be hospilized to stabalize all the things that were going wrong with her body. My mom started out with diabetes that they diagnozed about 5 years ago. It progressed from her just having to balance her meals to her being on insulin the last six months of her life. The deteriation of her health just went downhill from one year to the next until in the final two years of her life we were given one death sentence after another. Her lungs started filling up with fluid and the Doctors thought she had lung cancer, but that turned out to be negative, instead the fluid was coming from her heart which was almost 100% blocked on one side and 90% blocked on the other side. She was almost 80 years old and her diabetes couldn't be stablized so there was no way they could operate to try to open up some of the blockage. Then they discovered she had a massive cancerous tumor in her left breast and she was to weak for any kind of agressive treatment or surgery. Every day we heard something new and the news was never good. Her blood sugar soared to 520 and they wanted her back in the hospital to try to stabilize it one more time. At this time all of her Doctors told her and us that they had done everything they could do and there was nothing else that would give her any kind of quality of life. Moma had already told us if it came down to that....she wanted to go home. So we asked the Doctors to call in Hospice and we told them we wanted to take our moma home by that afternoon.

Hospice showed up within a couple of hours, and by the time some of my siblings brought moma home...a hospital bed was set up in her bedroom...pain meds and all she would need to keep her comfortable and pain free was being delivered to us and Hospice had explained to us what we would be facing, etc.

She left the hospital on Wed. afternoon and the following Wed. afternoon she went Home to live with Jesus with all nine of her children at her bedside. Those last few days of her life my siblings and I told her all that was in our hearts and how much much we loved her and what a wonderful mom she has been to all nine of us. She loved to hug us in those last few days and even when she couldn't talk to us anymore...she would still give those hugs. My mom loved us all unconditionally...she was the one I knew who ever truly did that no matter how much we might have messed up in our lives. If there is anything I want to inherit from my mom...it is her unconditional love for others.

Because I was one of my mom's caretakers for the last few years of her life I believed I was doing alot of my grieving as I watched the mom I once knew become just a shell of herself...I never dreamed that the grief I feel now would ever hit me this strong or with this much pain. Somedays just drawing a breath seemed to hurt. And I can't concentrate on much of anything or remember things. I went to the grocery store last week and wandered the aisles but couldn't seem to remember what to buy...finally I went to the frozen food section and filled up on frozen meals of every kind. I can't seem to remember how to cook the simpliest things right now, but my husband and I won't go hungry. Sometimes I can sleep all the time and sometimes I can't sleep no matter how tired I am. I don't want many people around me at this time and I don't want to go out and socialize. And I don't want to have to pretend anything for anyone right now. I cry mostly in private or in the shower...and I will often bury myself in a book or listen to music that is sad just like I am at this time in my life.

I do believe in God and I do believe my mom is with Him right now and no longer sick, etc. but I miss her and I think of all the times I took her being around for granted and I wish that I had one more chance to show her how very much she meant to me.

Babs

[amanda]

hi babs

MY HUSBAND TOO IS A GOOD MAN HE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND.JUST LIKE NANCYM SAID MY HUSBAND ASKS WHATS WRONG WHEN IM UPSET,I THINK SOMETIMES THEY LACK THE IMAGINATION TO FIGURE IT OUT.

I TOO WISH I COULD SHOW MY MUM HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH.

JUST REMEMBER YOUR NOT ALONE.

NANCYM

WELCOME AND IM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.WELL DONE ON YOUR 1ST POST.

KEEP IT UP IT DOES HELP THE PEOPLE HERE ARE WONDERFUL

LOVE TO YOU BOTH

AMANDA

[Penny1]

Hi Babs

Wow just reading your story is incredible.... I know what you are going thru... I lost my mom in Dec 2005... She was murdered... by my father....Long story.....wont get into it here... this is for you and it is your moment to to be heard......

I just wanted to let you know that your Mom must have been wonderful for in the end she had all of you and your family there for her....Your story is truly inspirational....

I can relate to your hubby not understanding what an emotional ride you are on... I honestly believe that most guys want to "fix it for you" and when they realize this is something they cannot fix, they just avoid the situation. It really bothers my hubby when he sees me crying and he asks what is wrong but it is so weird that we expect that they should know... I think deep down they do but they deal with situations so differently that they are just lost for words and don't know how to fix it.....

If only they could realize that is going to take a long time.... it is quite simple to us, just a hug, hold us and tell us everything will be ok....

Keep in mind it seems so simple to us that we just need some emotional support but to them it is easier to not talk about it.

I was so consumed with anger, rage, you name it....yet now I find all days are different than in the beginning... It will get easier for you... trust me on that, but you will have bad days too where you are consumed with grief.

My hubby told me that I just need to put my mom in a special spot in my mind and heart, where I can grieve her when I need to yet start to move forward in my life.... He told me he wasn't asking me to forget her or quit cherishing her but he found it very difficult to watch it tear my life apart.... He was right....

Be strong when you can, be sad when you need to be.... everything happens as it should...

Hopefully this site will help both of us... and to all the many wonderful caring people who manage to give us words of encouragement and wisdom......

Thank you.....

Penny

[Babs55]

After reading all of your replies to me and so many others posts on this forum, I sat down with my husband last night and opened my heart to him. I told him that I now understood that he loved me and it hurt him to see me in pain and I understood that he was just trying take the pain away for me. I told him how much I loved him and appreciated his efforts but that if he really wanted to ease my pain then he could do that by asking me if there was anything he could do for me when he saw me in pain. I told him I needed to be free to grieve the earthly loss of my mom in my own way and my own time and that the greatest gift he could give me right now....was the freedom to do this. I told him hugs, and I love you's and a helping hand when I couldn't seem to accomplish the ordinary tasks that used to come easy for me would be so appreciated at this time. And I told him that praying for me and just listening when I needed to express a thought, etc. would be a big help to me at this time. I explained to him that if he could just not expect anything from me right now and just accept what I could give to him...then that would also make things alot easier during this "season" of my life.

I talked to him about what helped him the most when he lost his first wife so many years ago and as he opened up about that crazy time in his life...he begin to understand what I have been trying to tell him. He shared how he felt he had nothing to give to anyone during that time and that he resented and actually withdrew from those who could not understand this. I shared here that this is why I had been doing the same thing with him...and "he got it!"

I know there will be days he won't get it again but for the most part I believe he does know where I am at this point and that I just need to be able to be free to grief in my own way and my own timing. He didn't want to go back to that time of grief in his own life and that was part of the problem here as he shared with me that my pain and grief took him back to his...a place he didn't want to go again. In our honesty and openness...I believe we have a better understanding now and we both will have more peace with this process. I told him how thankful I was to have found this grief forum so that now I could share with others who have walked or are walking through this same journey and that by being able to do so I would not feel that he was the only one I could share my grief with. My husband and I live many states away from our extended families and are older newlyweds (our 1st anniversary will be July 30th of this year)and almost half of this time we were separated while I went back to my mom's home and helped for 6 weeks at a time with her caretaking. My husband was always supportive in my doing this even though it left him for weeks a time without his new bride. It was hard enough trying to build a relationship as husband and wife when you are there half the time and then to have to take a journey of grief and mourning in that first year of marriage....well it is a really hard thing to do too.

I love my husband and since we are newlyweds I don't want to neglect our relationship even though I'm on this grief journey. So if any of you has any suggestions on how I could better balance things here...I would appreciate your input.

Babs

[shell]

Babs,

That is really wonderful and I think he will understand you better now. I think just having that talk will help a lot with your relationship. Just give yourself time and I think your balance will return naturally.

Shell

[Maylissa]

Babs,

The openness and honesty you and your new husband just shared is a great step for both of you! I think you should just keep sharing things with him as they come up, even if you don't get all 'wordy' about it, as we females tend to do. Just keeping him 'in the loop' as things change and progress will keep things honest between you, and will also show him that there is progress over time. I also believe that having this other outlet ( this site ) takes the pressure off our husbands to try and provide all of the support we need at these times....I know it helped mine quite a bit to know that I'd finally found some people I could really relate to/with. After all, it's about as hard being the one to support as it is to be the one needing that support. And you might remind each other, often, that to make it through such a trying and challenging time, especially as newlyweds, will in the long haul speak volumes about how strong your marriage and commitment to each other is. If you can weather this kind of storm together, so early in your marriage, that will certainly be the start of a solid and dependable foundation. You're both to be congratulated for the step you just took!

[Babs55]

I'm so thankful I found this place! And so filled with peace that I no longer feel I am walking alone on the journey of grief with all its twists and turns.

My husband and I just got back a short time ago from a dear friend's Memorial Service. He died a year ago (the 26th) of a massive heart attack and he and his wife (also our dear friend) were married only 18 months when this happened. A month after he died, my oldest sister's husband also died of a massive heart attack! It seems there has been a mountain of grief on my shoulders this past year and sometimes the only way I can deal with it all is just to hide under the covers and not come out until I feel strong enough to face whatever else may come. This week that whatever else came...my husband got a phone call that his much loved Uncle had passed away in his sleep and only two weeks before this, my husband's Uncle's only daughter unexpectedly died from an unknown cause. I have never met either of these relatives of my husband's but still I can feel the pain of his loss now too. This is the "craziness" of grief....just when you think you are getting a grip on how to handle it.....another wave of it knocks you off your feet again!

My husband and I were just beginning to find a place of understanding on my journey from my mom's death and now we are both walking this grief journey...with very different ways of taking steps. The shaky sense of balance between us has turned into walking on eggshells around each other. It's really strange how you both can be griefing but in such different ways that you just can't seem to connect even in your grief. But at our friend's Memorial today our grief was on the same page and we felt connection between us once again.

Grief is such a crazy rollercoaster ride and what makes it even worse is that you can't get on and off the ride when you want to.

It's really hard being newlyweds and having to walk this path of grief too. I'm the kind of person who has always looked for the blessings in every situation I have ever faced....but lately this has been a very hard thing to do. Today my blessing is finding this forum and all of you who are walking the grief journey too. Thanks for listening to my ramblings...

Babs

Edited May 27, 2006 by Babs55

[shell]

Babs,

I am so sorry for all the other losses. The same thing happened to me when my dad died. We had multiple deaths in just a couple of months and it seemed so unreal and unfair and like too much to bear. I was even beginning to feel like a giant bad luck charm to the people I loved. Finding this board at that time helped me so much. For one thing, I realized that a lot of people suffered multiple losses and it made me feel less unlucky, so to speak. It can be just overwhelming.

Yea, people do grieve differently and it can make everyone tense and edgy and, like you said, walking on eggshells. But it sounds like you and your husband are getting through it all pretty well. Like Maylissa told you, your marriage will be so much stronger because of this experience.

Just take one day at a time, and we have all hidden under the covers...sometimes the best thing to do!

Shell