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Hello there ,

just wondering in the many ways we feel our lives have changed for the worst and for the better . HOW THIS LOSS experience and all that goes AROUND IT effects us and how we make sense of it . I feel and know I am very different now from before . I feel things differently and see things differently . I see selfishness a lot , see the ugliness more or human greed and mistrust people more ......... yet I also notice the beauty and the preciousness of things more . I cry more easily , I am touched more deeply , yet I also am more private and less likely to share my true thoughtsand feelings , choosing instead to keep things private and watch more and listen more........ I am i think also more patient and understanding and even forgiving of what i see is selfish or ignorant and mean , but also less willing to enage in it ..... just notice it . I ahve no time for stupididty and ignorance anymore to the point of just not enagaging myself with it ...... I could say much more ..... but just think this is interesting for us to reflect on and share about .how has this effected u / do u feel closer to people or further away , is it both ? i lost many friends but gained new ones ? i have less social interaticons , but feel closet o my own spiritual life . I lost my parents , but gained some new relationships with their freinds and some relatives... I totally saw really awful manipulations and cruelity and greed in the dealings with hospitals , someof their freinds , the will stuff etc...... but have learnt to let it go .......... I have felt so sad , depressed , and overhelemed , but knew I had to carry on and HAVE..... how have u coped ? are u coping ? how is it for u ? let me know together we gain strength. does some religion or belief sustain u ? what role do others play for you ? how have your beliefs changed , grown , been destroyed ?

thanks i apologise for the spelling , but there is no spell check and I type fast and too lazy to go back and edit ......oh well.

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Hi Tara,

Since my Dad died I've also had a very different view on life and have cut off a lot of social contacts because although I once thought having friends (no matter what their personality) was important I don't think the same way now. I never saw how selfish people can be until I was forced to go through this and those that I once might have been sympathetic towards don't mean a thing to me these days (i.e. people who only take and cannot give). Everything is different - from looking at a rainbow to appreciating kindness that I never noticed before.

Coping is a day by day process and my biggest problem is that I become emotional out of the blue. The tiniest things remind me of Dad, that sets me off, then a few minutes later I'm able to calm myself until another episode hits. I have looked into religion but still am unsure about it - since I was never raised in religious household it's tough for me to believe. My way of dealing with Dad's death has been to exercise more, read, talk to people I feel I can talk to and attempt to get through the rough spots. It's not easy! A good friend called an hour ago while I was in the midst of a sob-fest that I couldn't explain.

I've basically been relying on myself and feelings to get me through this since for most of my life I've been regarded as the "strong" one (8 years of major depression gave me that title). However, being the strong one also allows people to think that I'm OK and can call with their small problems. I don't mind helping but find it hard to believe that people think that after only two months I should be able to be in a romance, find a good job, etc. THEY didn't have the relationship with Dad that I did and although it's angering if they never had a bond they can't understand.

Most days I'm both sad and depressed but it is sporadic (my mind has its barriers). I've realized that I will never let go of Dad and although I can't look at any of his pictures and know that June will be hard (his birthday and Father's Day are close together) whenever I do something I try to think that he would have wanted me to act as I did. What's hard for me is the notion that this will only get more difficult; I've gone a month without talking to Dad but once I pass the two or three month line the loss is going to hit home in a big way. I think it's ironic that people seem to think that the first month or so is the worst - it was horrible but once complete realization sets in it is much harder.

Enough rambling! I hope what I wrote made some sense. We are all dealing with the pain differently but also all know what we are going through.


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What has changed for the worst:

Having my world turned inside out and upside down.

Having my emotions run out of control. Thinking my brain was breaking up.

Wanting to die.

Losing my home, a lot of my things.

Losing my family (due to differences of opinion as to how people should behave after Mom's death. I was expected to kiss my sister's caboose and bow down to recognize her worshipfulness. Uh, I didn't).

Being forced to confront a lot of pain.

What has changed for the better:

Discovering other people, and how wonderful and charitable some can be.

Becoming more myself. (A lot of me was buried under a facade of sorts due to in one part needing to focus on taking care of Mom, and in another part a latent fear of "What would Mom think?" or "What would the famnily think?" Once out of that shadow I started to discover certain strengths that I previously did not have. This isn't going to be some shocking revelation about orientation or stuff of that nature, just interests and attityudes and so forth, now that I am definitely standing on my own. I am learning what is real about what I believe, what is enduring.

Discovering that having a certain rythym and pattern to my life, now that I am basically living for myself and no one else (although I'd like for that to change eventually) is actually quite nice. Personal development is cool.

Learning how to stretch a dollar. A long way.

Learning to rely on, and trust in Divine Providence.

Learning to roll with the punches. When to 'stop, drop, and roll'. When to punt the ball (i.e. "Let it Go".)

Getting a certain satisfaction in 'defining boundaries'.

Trusting that the future will play out in the way it should, and I don't as yet know the path it'll take. And that's OK.

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Hi guys...

Coping.... it is not always an easy task when a piece of who we are is taken away.... it is such a nightmarish rollercoaster ride yet some how we still survive...

One has to question does everything truly happen for a reason? If so then what is the freaking reason for my mothers death?

I have experienced a true loss of faith in mankind on so many levels yet finding this site and all of you has changed my path once again....weird...

Spent days in a mindless haze trying to decide if life was worth living...

The rage and anger towards my father is still an obstacle I have not overcome...

As Kathy said, she was the strong one... very much the same here... but why is it people dont understand that the emotions are just as wild and out of control as the next guy....

I have learnt to embrace the beauty of nature and all the wonders that it has to offer...to appreciate it for it is a gift from heaven above....

Guarded....wholly cow that's me.... yet in a sense it really is to me that I have learnt to set boundaries. I have truly learnt to be more assertive in my life with my family.... I guess that is how this whole murder investigation got started from me believing in my intuitions and standing my ground for what I believe in.....

Life is so precious...guess I don't have to tell you any of that....

Reality is that to learning to cope with whatever is thrown is our path, for it is just another one of life's lessons... if we don't learn the lesson we can't move forward or grow.....

Yoga and meditation....it has helped me to get in touch with my spirituality...

Finding all of you, I realize that it is just another gift for me to cherish..


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thanks all of you ,

this is great , it feels good to share and reflect on this journey and i think it can be helpful to share the downs and the ups with each other of this trip we are on and all will travel .. everyone ...... cause guess what ( we know it ) we all die , no exceptions....... and so if this can help then let it be.

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"Hello there ,

just wondering in the many ways we feel our lives have changed for the worst and for the better . HOW THIS LOSS experience and all that goes AROUND IT effects us and how we make sense of it."

Well I don't know if our age affects the way we feel our lives have changed for the better or the worst after our loss....I can only answer for me and at 55 years old...I think the loss of my both of my parents now...has made me realize that I don't have forever to do what is really important to me like I used to think when I was younger and both my parents were still on this earth;

I'm not as willing to pretend I'm interested in people or things that I really have no interest in any longer....not out of politeness or any other reason. I feel the clock ticking and I don't want to waste another moment of my life with things that really aren't important to me. Before the loss I felt I had all the time in the world for everything....now I really feel the necessity to make choices in my life because I know my time is limited now too.

The hardest thing I'm dealing with since the loss of both my parents now...is the fact that before this happened I moved away from my children and grandchildren to marry my husband and begin a new life...and now that both my parents are gone, I feel that being so far from my children and grandchildren is not a good choice. I feel the need to be more of a part of their life than living at such a distance will allow me to be and I know that I am going to have to rethink my original choice here and find some ways to resolve this.

Losing both my parents now has also made me realize that I am the next in line in my ancestral lineage. And I think about what I want to leave as an inheritance to my children and grandchildren and how I can leave a dent of goodness and love in this world too. There's no more well I have all the time in the world anymore...for me it's time to get serious and figure out if the priorities I had before the loss of both of my parents are still the priorities I want to have now.

It's not like I don't think I can enjoy my life anymore....but there is the question of what will I leave behind to my childen and grandchildren, etc. that will impact their lives long after I am gone. To me it won't be so much material things as I hope to leave the legacy my mom left me....unconditional love and acceptance. I also want to leave my loved ones the legacy of my love for God and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to walk my talk in this area so that they have no doubt what was most important to my life.

Before I was free to do whatever I wanted....while my parents set the example....now I feel I need to set the example and I want to set the right one.


Edited by Babs55
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yep , we dont have forever , we may not even have all of today or next week or next year !! who knows when our time comes , or how , or where or what age and means etc... a wild thought . weird though how we go alomng like we have all the time in the world ... as if ... and then , its over , how weird //// I also have lost both parents and both within a few months of each other and its pretty shocking wake up ... and i thought i was fairtly aware and awake .... i guess there is a big almost iniatation we go thru , realising , yes , its real , it ends , its final , that sit . bang a whole entire life is over and gone.;..; and yes WE are next , maybe ? MAYBE NOT , BUT WHO KNOWS ? and it will be one day , and more likely the older we go ..... and Im 45 , so yeah the focus on whats important , is real .... and i feel depsite the sadness and grief a depth in me that was not there before ..... its ok .... if i can like u say , maybe , try live mindful and awake . thats the trick huh ........

anyway , great comments , talk more soon

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I have felt ALL the things everyone wrote! I think basically we all feel the same way, or have at some point. That's why this board is so wonderful, we are talking with people who TRULY understand. I think the most consistent thing I feel is that nothing stays the same, including myself. One minute, or even days sometimes, I've "got it together" and then I'm a mess and scared the next day. I think it was Charlie that wrote that he wanted his "balance" back. Boy, that is exactly how I feel.

Hang in there everyone and love to all of you,


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I like what babs said: "I'm not as willing to pretend I'm interested in people or things that I really have no interest in any longer....not out of politeness or any other reason. I feel the clock ticking and I don't want to waste another moment of my life with things that really aren't important to me. Before the loss I felt I had all the time in the world for everything....now I really feel the necessity to make choices in my life because I know my time is limited now too."

Grief does have a way of helping you edit your life, (including one's address book). Being faced with mortality and being exposed to the eternal does what babs feels, that there are some people and things just not worth the effort. The opposite is also true, that some people and things just seem to be more deserving of ones' attention. Just as you can edit people and things OUT, you can give greater importance to some of the ones that remain. And for those that are neither here nor there, you've got stronger boundaries to protect yourself with.

shell: I never had that much balance to begin with. :) I just want to be able to ride the rapids with ease.

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There is a freedom perhaphs in knowing that all this is impermanant , in the end , everything mattters and NOTHING matters at all ..... both are true....... what will matter in a 100 years ? what acts do I make now that mean anything to anyone and will mean anything ? does it matter ? how do we live , today ... this moment is truly all we have right here right now , nothing else is certain , even between one breath and the next ., this is the thing . if i look deeply this is the actual fact . I breathe in , then there is a pause ,.... then if i am still alive , I breath out and there is another pause ........ and so it goes..... never have I been so absolutely conscious of this all the time !!

be well , lets keep breathing for now at least .

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It perhaps can be said that everything matters and yet nothing may matter. I prefer phrase the same thing differently: that since our limited human intellect and wisdom cannot possibly know for sure which of our actions matter, we must do our best each day to live as though it does.

If nothing matters, then what is the point of living? But I agree with tara in that there is a freedom in the 'not knowing' of which of our actions will have an impact on others. One little act of kindness or meanness may make a big difference in someone's life that we just cannot gauge.

Maybe that is an answer for this topic, a greater sensitivity to such 'eternal verities', what of us survives our own death and carries on 100 years from now.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi Paul S,

Thank you for your post, I really liked the wording that you used it was very clear and I understood it completely.. Take care Shelley

Thanks Paul S,

Thank you for the message you sent me today, it was nice to know people care enough to share imformation that is very important.. take care Shelley

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