When You're Grieving, Does It Have An Effect On The Problems....

[Babs55]

that you are already facing in your life? Can your grief seem to make these other issues "unsolvable" now? Or is it just that because of your grieving you can't seem to handle anything else anymore?

Babs

[kellymarie]

I wish I knew an answer to your question because I'm asking myself the same one... I was having issues with my mom and I's relationship before Josh died and when I was fresh into grief, I kept saying to her "I can't deal with our issues now..." I was avoiding our issues; I was too overwhelmed by grief to deal with anything else. But now that I'm almost 3 months into this grief thing, I can't avoid the issues. I need real answers to our problems but it seems that they're currently "unsolvable." We're on temporary hold until we are both at better places in our lives. Grief has also made my career decisions seem so much harder and more complicated than before. I guess being emotionally drained by grief and having a new outlook on life as a result of losing a loved one makes our other issues/problems in life seem so much more acute and more complicated.

[shell]

Yes, it makes other problems unsovable until you are further along. You both are still in the stage where you can't hardly think of what to have for dinner, let alone solve a bigger problem, I think. Grief, to me, just takes over everything for a long while and you really shouldn't even try to solve other problems, if they can wait, because you aren't even thinking straight! And grief also, at least again for me, changes the way you see and think about things, so your "new" self may solve it differently than your "before the grief self". It takes time, so give it to yourself if you can. Eventually things will become clearer.

The best to both of you,

Shell

[Paul S]

I agree with shell. It just seems that other problems are unsolvable for a while in early grief. After a fashion the grieving process will teach you to put all other things in perspective, and then you will get a handle on whatever else is troubling you. Like what shell said: "And grief also, at least again for me, changes the way you see and think about things, so your "new" self may solve it differently than your "before the grief self". Coping with death kind makes everything else just not necesarily seem that important. (Well, depends. I have to admit that I'm using 20/20 hindsight, see next paragraph:)

This is coming from a person who's Mother's death brought a whole bunch of severe problems to the front, that didn't exist before. In addition to trying to grieve for my Mom, I had to endure a selfish, thoughtless sister, shallow 'support' from other family, sobriety issues, finding a job, finding a place to live, economic incesurity...

The fact that grieving enabled me to accept help from people I would not have accepted help from before, (out of pride, or not wanting to be a 'burden') eased my problems greatly. I was able to see them as 'solvable'.

Each success, whether on my own, or with a little help from my friends, gave me greater confidence, or faith in Divine Providence, or just better at gettin' thru the day.

Take care.

[Maylissa]

I, too, agree with what Shell said, but have to also say that sometimes grief also brings up new problems, in both your world-view and relationships. These are problems that either were there before, but below our more consciouse awareness, and are just exacerbated during ( and after ) grief, or they're just new and different. This can arise from things like changed priorities or a change or shift in our value system, or from things like insecurities that now seem more acutely focused than before.

Whatever our personal challenges, at some point they ought to be dealt with, but not while we're still so overwhelmed by our sorrow.....unless they're causing such added anguish that we simply can't put them off w/o endangering our sanity and emotional 'stability' any further. As a quick 'for instance', marriage issues often worsen because a.) they were already there but never dealt with when we felt no need to push them into the open, or b.) they seemed manageable but some aspect of them now needs more addressing because our perspective has changed.

This is when I feel couples counseling is a good idea, or at the very least, a real heart-to-heart talk with our spouse. If it's a friendship or a problem with a family member, help can still be gotten from talking with a counselor trained in grief issues ( plus the other basics of relationships ) &/or the same kind of heart-to-heart talk with our friend or family member. Or, if it's not imperative we deal with it right away, it can be put away until we feel less shaky in our heads and hearts. But ignoring these problems, or new needs, won't make them magically go away forever....unless we happen to actually change our minds about them later.

Edited June 1, 2006 by Maylissa

[AmyLea]

I know this is an older post, but wanted to comment. I agree wholeheartedly with Shell. My mom died Jan 9, 2003, but my grieving for her was put on hold to care for my father who had dementia and emphysemia. He passed February 7th and I'm now bombarded with both losses. You are so right...it IS hard enough to decide what to have for dinner. My job has huge life changing duties and I cannot focus enough to complete the necessary tasks. For that reason I will be leaving my job as soon as my husband secures employment. I'm trying to hang on until then. He has been working onseveral perspects.

[kellymarie]

AmyLea, I am so sorry to hear about your mom and your dad. It is so tough to have a job that impacts other people's lives directly. I asked at work to have some of my responsibilities changed temporarily until I was at a better place and more able to concentrate. Is that a possibly for you at all??

Thanks everyone.... I guess that some of my issues were "old issues" (relationship with mom) than now have surfaced (and gotten worse since she has no idea how to supportive...) and some are "new issues" (hmmm, why did I choose my career?????). And I definately think it's because as Maylissa said "changed priorities or a change or shift in our value system."

I want to deal with mom issues now but she is not receptive at all. My sister recommended stepping away from the situation until we're both a better places in our lives. (mom's thinking about moving across country after living in the same house for the past 30 years for reasons brought about because of Josh's death) I just worry about having unsolved issues because I just lost someone to a sudden death. So I worry if I don't solve my issues with my mom NOW she or I may died suddenly. (It seems somewhat irrational but IT HAPPENS!!) Don't know what to do.... talking to her makes me cry and feel like crap but not talking to her makes me cry and feel like crap...

Also, I have to make a career decision within the next few months (decision by end of August). I've been reading here and there about not to making big decisions while dealing with grief issues but I DON'T have a choice. How do I make sure I'm making a good decision?? (Before Josh's death I would have choosen one option and now I'm thinking of heading in an opposite direction. I'm realizing I want a life not just a career.)

[shell]

Kellymarie,

Regarding your decision about your career, that you HAVE to make soon, the only thing I would say is to go with whatever feels right. Go with your heart, not your brain. There were many decisions I had to make after my dad died and like you, they were things that HAD to be done. In retrospect, I just did what felt right at the time, what I thought was best and hoped I was right. In all cases, it was ok.

As far as your mom, that's a tough one. And I know what you mean about being afraid one of you will die before it's settled. I have had similar feelings about many things. I feel like I have to "settle" everything in my life, before it's too late. I try to remind myself that it might not be possible and that sometimes things just flow along at the speed they're suppose to. Things come about when they are ready and all our "pushing" is not going to amount to anything. But it is hard to have unresolved issues. Just the thing you need on top of the grief, huh? Hang in there, it will work out eventually.

Hugs,

Shell

[dpodesta]

I am fresh into this grief thing also, but I have had a different sceniro, because of the loss of my wife's salary I had to file bankruptacy. Dealing with that has taken up so much of my time that I haven't truley had time to grieve. (Had the time chose to push it inside instead) Now I am faced with all up my paperwork organized and the forms filled out and I am thinking ok, now what. I am afraid of greiving, I loved Karen with all my heart and miss her more than anything, but I don't want to feel the emotions.

Derek

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I too have a different problem than the rest of you, I lived with my parents for forty years and never thought they would die... So when they did I was in shock just not over the deaths of two of the greatest people I will ever meet but because I did not have any savings for a rainy day left... I was high and dry and had to move in with a family member just to make it... I want to move out but do not know if I could afford right now...

I have also discovered more health problems that I did not have before my parents died...Like a pituary tumour that is not cancerous thank God... Take care Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

Sorry to hear about your health problems, but so relieved to hear it's not cancerous. That is one of the hardest things during the grieving period,(I think) that life goes on and on and on, and you have to deal with it! If we could just "freeze frame" our lives for awhile, so that we could deal with JUST the grief....what a relief that would be! Of course, on the other hand, I guess the daily life thing keeps us going and distracts us somewhat from our grief for awhile, sooooo, I guess it's good.

Hang in there,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

Thank you for the kind words that you wrote in your last post. It is so nice to know there are people out there who really care and understand what you are going through. Take care and God Bless Shelley