What's Next?

[dpodesta]

After my wife died, I had a lot to do in order to get our finicial situation under control. Today I turned in the last on my paperwork to my Attorney in order to make it all happen so I can take care of me and Carson. Doing this has been a great relief to me and I don't have to devote all of my thinking to finances. For the last 8 weeks it took almost all of my thoughts. However, it scares the daylights out of me. I know I need to greive for Karen and I know it is a process, but I don't want to feel the feelings. I am so used to pushing everything in and not showing it, I have done that ever since my grandmother died 21 years ago. Now don't get me wrong, I have cried since then specially when Karen died I cried for 3 days after her death. I am afraid of going home and having a whole bunch of emotions come to surface, of finally realizing that she is gone and is not coming back. I know it in my mind, but my heart doesn't want to face it.

Derek

[Bebekat]

Derek,

I wish I had some magical words to say that would ease what you you are going through. We all greive in our own way, in our own time. I would be lying if I told you it was going to be easy. For me it's been 13 months since I lost my husband. Yes, I still count them. All I can tell you is to let yourself go through all the emotions. It's scary but it will make you feel better, not all at once but a little every day. I can finally say that I don't cry every day anymore, but there is still a deep lingering sorrow. And I don't believe this sorrow will ever go away just as sure as I know that my love for Tom will never go away. I will always carry him with me.

One of the best things to help me was finding this site. There are many wonderful people here who have gone through this and know just how you feel. There are lists of books that have been posted here (by Dusky), check other messages. There are also songs posted by others (WaltC) that touch the heart. Writing has helped. It gets all those thoughts out of your head, clear the clutter so to speak, and makes room for healing to begin. Just reading posts helps sometimes. And you have Carson. You are so lucky to have someone to share memories of Karen with.

Yeah, it's going to be a long, hard, and sometimes lonely road. Your pain is so new and raw. We'll be here for you, even when it seems no one else is. Visit often.

[Guest PattiZ54]

Derek - Nobody's heart wants to face this. When my loss was as new as yours my heart felt like it was smashed into a million pieces. It's now been 18 months for me and as Bebekat said, I don't cry everyday anymore. I know you can't imagine it, now, but I promise time does make the pain ease. Can't say the pain will ever go away, atleast not for me. I still miss Charlie so much EVERYDAY!! I just had a small meltdown earlier today. I was cleaning and needed to open one of his drawers and I found his sunglasses. I picked them up and instantly started to cry...only for a minute or two, but it still happens often.

I know that men aren't the best at letting out their feelings, but I think you most definately need to grieve for Karen - little bit at a time, but it will definately help with the healing. I think you and Carson need to grieve together. He knew who his mom was and I bet he needs to cry, too. It's going to be a long slow process, but you both will be strong(for Karen) and get through it. We'll be here to help you in anyway we can.

One moment at a time, Derek.....

My heart goes out to you and Carson today and everyday!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004)I love & miss you, Dear.

[DoubleJo]

Derek;

I lost two husbands and I'm only 56. 4 1/2 years ago my husband of 27 years died. Feb my second husband of one month died. We lived together for 3 1/2 years and met at hospice. I saw them both die. They died in my arms at home.

I knew they were dead. Death is a mental reality like the word "beach", but we can't quite associate with it. We know it exists as a reality. We don't often experience it up close and personal. It is too huge. Death is actually a moment. The experience of death is forever. It is barely comprehensible so we construct religions around it, trying to get a handle on it. We cannot see it past that moment. We experience it's reality in the everyday loss of something not there, not happening, not being seen, not being heard. It is the opposite of other traumas because there something tangible occurred with a seen result. Thie absence of presence is very hard to deal with because we get touched by it all the time every day in a million ways, yet our surroundings are the same. How to deal with this anomolie? I too was very busy, very practical. It's the routine that carries us through. As time passes it will hit you, and hit you hard. The passing of time makes the event more real as it becomes impossible for this person to be gone so long under normal circumstances. It creeps up and into you. Your heart will face it because you can't avoid it. Altho it seems like forever, very little time has actully passed for you. Even now I say to myself, he's only be gone 14 weeks!

Such a big thing happened, it seems like way more time was involved. Death is enormous in it's vacancy. Go with flow of things. It will all happen naturally.Your feelings will happen as they are prepared to happen. You have your son and he has you. That is a blessing. My best to you both, Doublejo.

[Dusky]

Derek,

I am always touched by the messages you write. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better – to make this all go away. Men in general have a more difficult time with grief because they have been taught not to show their emotions. I, myself, have been fortunate – because although I am a man – I have always been able to show my emotions. I cry – and I have probably grieve the way a woman grieves. I am not afraid to either show tears or share my emotions with others. Being able to do so has made this unbearable grief doable.

I noticed your one comments in particular that read “but I don’t want to feel the feeling – I am so used to pushing things in and not showing it.” This is the very crux of the issue at hand. You need to find a way to let your emotions out. Allow yourself to cry - whenever and whenever you wish to do so. The fact of the matter is the “real men do cry”. Our society has not been good to its male population – as basically we have been taught as a gender to hide emotions – to be strong – to rise above it all. But the reality of the situation is that your tears will heal you. In 10 months since Jack died – I have cried every day. Sometimes privately – and sometimes in public. Gender has nothing to do with what you feel – and neither should crying.

Let me give you an example – and I am not the least bit ashamed of it. When Jack died I was unable to tell his Mother – because she has Alzheimer’s - and the news of his death would certainly have hastened her own. She still does not know he died. So as a result when Christmas or Mothers day or any other holiday arrives where a card and present are in order for Jacks Mother - I have to go and buy a gift – pick out a card – sign both our names – write a loving message inside the card - and then send it off to her as if her Jack – her son – was still alive. It rips my heart apart every time this happens. I have stood in front of the Hallmark greeting cards – a grown masculine man – reading the verses of these cards and weeping – weeping for what I lost – for what I had – and for what I have to do. I cry in public and I cry in private. If the emotion is there – it is expressed. It does make you feel better.

Allow your self to “go home” – “go home” to what’s in your heart. Believe me you mind will follow – and anyone – anyone with any sense of compassion will see your tears as a beautiful statement of who Karen was and what she meant to you. Your tears are an expression of your deep pain – but also - of your deep love. Carson will cry with you – you need to do this together – and you need to teach him that it is ok for a man to cry. And years from now - he will be a better man for what you have taught him – so show him the way.

Take care my friend,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[dpodesta]

Thank you all of you for your replies. You all are right, nothing can make the pain go away. The comments you have made though, give me comfort with the realization that I am not alone in this even though sometimes I feel like I am. I know in my mind that it is ok for a man to cry it is just a matter of letting it go, when I start to cry, it is like a reflex that pushes it back in. Most of the time for me is when I have been talking to someone about Karen for awhile I will start to get emotional, but I feel like most of my friends and family have already heard it all and I don't want to sound like a broken record. Carson's attention span is short when it comes to talking about Mommy. There is a group here in town called the WARM Place that works with families like mine and they meet in the evenings, I can't wait to start but it won't be until after June 15th. Keep the replies coming.

God bless

Derek.

[kayc]

Dusky,

How sweet of you! Keeping up with Jack's mom so she doesn't hurt more...that is really sweet. And you're right, a person needs to find a way to let some of this stuff out. Cry, scream, run, write, whatever helps!