Bad Evening

[dpodesta]

Last night I got real depressed on the way home from work, I picked up Carson and he kept asking to go out to eat. I didn't want to do that because I wasn't hungery so I kept telling him that we are eating at home. I got him a TV Dinner and after that all I wanted to do was sleep on the couch, but he kept bugging me. I was losing my patientence real fast. I love Carson to death, but he keeps pushing my buttons, and when I am in the mood I was in last night I just can't deal with it. Before, if I was in a bad mood, Karen was always there to act as a buffer and to help with things and now she is not there. Last night I felt as though I was going nuts. It has drawn into today, I just have that feeling of I am tierd of moving forward, moving on with my life. Today I am doing the actions, but my mind and heart is not into it. All the way in to work, all I could do is think about Karen and how much I miss her, about all the things we did together and all the things we will no longer be able to do together. I want to hold her so much right now I ache inside. I would love to hear her voice even if it was to get onto me about something. It is hard to see a couple holding hands or giving each other a kiss, because I can no longer kiss or hold hands with Karen. I feel like there isn't anyone that I can talk to, I don't want to bother my friends with what is going on with me, for one thing they haven't gone through it, they don't understand. When will this get better? How do I have patintence with Carson? How do I go on?

[Penny1]

Hi Derek

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling....

Have you thought about maybe asking someone to pick up Carson on days that you need a break? I know all to well what you are going through and know that you need to let others help you out with this...

Just take some time for yourself... because as you experienced last night times are going to get rough when that wave of emotion hits you.... the best thing I have found, is to just take some time for yourself and allow yourself to grieve....

It is so hard to feel the pain....and I hope that you do have someone in your life that does understand....and will help you out with Carson.

My hubby explained to me something that I would like to share with you...

He said I (me) just needed to find a specail spot to put all my grief and pain that would allow me to experience it.... yet be able to go on.... I know that feeling of just wanting it all to end...

He said he wasn't asking me to forget my mom, but for him to see how it was destroying me was very difficult for him.... maybe that is why your friends don't appear as they understand you and your emotions... maybe it is just hard for them to see or even imagine what you are going through....

I hope you are having a better day today and my heart goes out to you and Carson...

[Dusky]

Derek,

You may not believe it – but you are really doing very well. And the reason I can say that is because you are here writing your feelings down and sharing them with all of us on this site. You have in fact found one outlet – at least – and that is all of us who truly do understand each of the emotions you express. Some people have nothing – and no one – and are incapable of expressing the type of feelings that you are putting in written form. So first of all congratulations – you are in fact progressing.

I experienced the “buffer” thing that you made reference to as well. My Jack was always so good as being the ‘buffer” with his sons wife – who has a tendency to alienate people with unkind and inconsiderate remarks – Jack knew just how to handle her – and know with Jack gone these insensitive comments come my way directly. There is no Jack to buffer them anymore – and so I must deal with them directly – and I don’t react the same way to her. So the buffer thing you speak of I can relate to very well.

I still think of Jack – even after 10 months – just the way you think of Karen – how much you miss her – the things you did together – and will no longer be able to do. The ache inside is still with me – and missing your loved ones voice I doubt will ever stop. I still get jealous when I see other happy couples – holding hands – where is the person I used to talk to and who knew me inside out? All those little things that made our lives full – are suddenly empty. There are few people who will understand – but if you could find just one person who would let you talk – let you cry – and let you share over and over again anything you have to say this would help tremendously. I have been lucky – I have a few such friends and some wonderful family support. Establishing a relationship with a good counselor may be very beneficial.

Progress – or things getting better - seems to be measured in micro moments. They come and go. When I look back I would have to say I have made progress – but there are still times that I feel like I am back to square one. Grief is like a shifting spiral – always moving – never standing still – with forward and backward motion inside the spiral. It is not clean or neat – it’s ragged and painful. But always remember that because you feel such deep pain and loss – is the greatest acknowledgement that your love for Karen was overwhelmingly strong. If you felt nothing – and this was easy – then it would mean that there was nothing you had lost. Your deep pain is your best indication of how much Karen meant to you.

So - you go on because your love was so great – and you will survive for the same reason. Karen is with you – in your heart – every step of the way. All of our loved ones are with us. In some ways I am grateful for this level of pain – as it stands as a testament of how strongly I love. Your Karen was very lucky to have had someone like you that loved her so very much – your pain and what you describe tells me so. Some day you will want to find this same type of love – this same type of sharing – and you will carry Karen and all she meant to you forward with you into a new and special life. Karen would want nothing less than your eventual happiness – and I know in my heart that Jack wishes the same for me as well.

Keep writing – keep sharing – keep putting your feelings on paper. We are all here to help you. Believe it or not – helping you – and anyone else I can help on here – also helps me heal.

My best to you always – Will be talking with you soon.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

[dpodesta]

Hi Penny,

Yes, I have thought about that but I find it hard to do because it seems like he spends the night at different places a lot in the last few weeks, and I feel he neeeds to be with me as much as possible. I don't want him to feel like I am not there for him.

Today wasn't any better, the feelings I had last night carried over to today. I haven't eaten since yesterday at lunch time and even then I ate very little. I have to meet Carson and my sister-in-law at swim lessons in a little while and I really don't want to go. It is exactly 9 weeks today and it just seems like it isn't getting any easier. I feel completely out of control in my life right now, I don't know which way is up. All I want to do is sleep, but my obligations prevent me from doing that. Everything I do right now I have to force my self to do, I am tired of going through life this way. Thanks for your reply and suggestion, I like hearing from you.

[dpodesta]

Thank you John, that does make me fell a little better, I feel so alone right now and knowing I am not the only one out there with these feelings ehlps not feel to alone. There is support group in my area called the WARM Place that works with families in our situation. The kids ae place in an age specific group as well as circumstances (Loss of parent, sibling, etc...) at the same time the parents meet in another group. They want you to wait at least 2 months after the loss before you start. I have an initial appointment next week on Thursday morning and then the group meets in the evenings. I am soooo ready to start an meet some people in my area going through this. Again, thanks for your replies, I look forward to hearing from you.

[Bebekat]

Derek,

I know kids can be overwhelming, especially when you're having a bad day (or two). They can also be very understanding. Talk with Carson. Tell him you are having a bad day because you are missing his mommy. You may be surprised and maybe it will give him an opportunity to share his feelings with you. He needs to know that it is OK to miss her. Sometimes our children can give us the hug we might need. Sometimes kids act out because they are having trouble dealing with things like grief. It's really great that you want to be there for him. You need each other right now, but you also need to have some time to yourself.

[Dusky]

Derek,

I really beleive that the support group you are about to join will be of tremendous help for both you and Carson. Support groups are wonderful - they allow you such a direct place for you to be able to share your feeling - in person. This is going to be a wonderful place - a sharing place - a place where you will see the faces of others in your same kind of pain. Hang in there my freind - its only a week away now - and in the mean time let all of us on here do what we can to help you.

Keep writing - we're here for you.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[Guest PattiZ54]

Derek - I think you've got some pretty good advice, here!! What Bebekat said is so true - you should try to talk with Carson. He is missing Karen as much as you are and I think that's why he's being difficult. As she said, nothing better than a hug from your kids!!! I have 3 grandkids and nothing makes me feel better than to have a big hug from them. They understand a lot more than you may think.

Jealousy?!?! Oh, my gosh. It's been a little over 1 1/2 years since I lost Charlie and I STILL hate seeing people kiss or hug or hold hands or any kind of affection. He and I were so affectionate towards each other and it just tears me up when I see people with their significant other. I still miss him so much, everyday.

I think the support group will give you a lot of help. It's too bad they make you wait - guess they need to have the reality set in first and not still be in shock.

Take care and remember that Karen is there helping you. She's right there by your side ALWAYS, as long as you keep her in your heart!

My best to you and Carson and I think you are coming along in the grieving process. It's a long, slow process, but we'll help you through it.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[dpodesta]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies, I had some realizations this weekend. It started with a friend of a friend's son talking with us Friday night about relationships. He is 22 and has had a girlfriend for 19 months. So in talking about mine and Karen's relationship into the wee hours of the morning when I went to bed I got to thinking about our relationship and the thought came to mind that even though we didn't have a perfect marriage, it was ideal in that it did end in "Death do us part" not many can say that these days. I also realized for the first time that I am runinng myself into the ground constantly working on the house, so that I don't have to face Karen's death, so I think Wednesday was the first part of my body finally saying enough is enough. I did some work on the house Sat and Sun, but ir wasn't a whole day thing. I also realized that in running away from dealing with the grief, I was also avoiding Carson. I have to realize that family comes first, everything else is replacable, Carson isn't. I still don't have full acceptance that Karen is gone, but I think I am a little closer

God Bless

Derek

[Guest PattiZ54]

Derek - I think you're doing a fine job! It takes some time in order to come to the realization that Karen is gone, but it will come to you in time. Don't push yourself. You will only make things worse - like getting sick or injured and then Carson won't have YOU either. YOU have to take care of yourself and him. As you said, family comes first AND life is TOO short. (I think we all realize that now....) Enjoy the time you have with Carson; they grow up awful fast!!

Take care and my heart is with you.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[kayc]

I think you've gotten some good advice here...to talk to Carson about what he's experiencing, and also to get a break now and then. Some friends may fall away but new ones will surface. Have you got a support group where you could meet others that are going through the same things? It could be that you could trade nights of caring for each other's kids too, and maybe a cup of coffee together afterwards to share what's on your mind. It really helps to have someone that understands but it's up to us to find that person and make that friend.

Today was my husband's birthday, he passed away last Father's Day, June 19th. This is a tough week for me...my little sister is the only one who remembered and sent me an email telling me she was thinking about me on George's birthday. It's like other people are afraid to mention it for fear it'll upset me...as if I don't already think about it!

I think it's understandable to feel pain when you see other couples...it's just too hard. You may feel that for a long time. Yet I feel happy when I see my daughter with her fiance...they have their whole lives ahead of them, I want them to enjoy it and be happy...I had my time, shortlived as it was, still, I had it for a while.

[Guest PattiZ54]

KayC - I feel the same way about my daughter. I want so much for her to have the same type of relationship Charlie and I had. I want her to know what it's like to be truly in love. She was married before and it was not a good relationship - verbally abusive and now she has a boyfriend that is so good to her and really cares about her, so I'm hoping he's the one and that she will have a great love with him.

As you said, as short as our relationships were, I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to have Charlie in my life. He really made me see what love was all about! And I thank him for that.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)