i really dont know how to feel

[fennedie]

Today I found out that one of my soulmates died. 

We had a bumpy relationship, but it was a beautiful one. We met in middle school and I had the biggest crush on him, apparently he felt the same way, but nothing happened. During high school, he dated a friend of mine in band, I dated others as well, nothing really happened. It wasn't until the fall semester of my freshman year of college that we really began to spark. Everyday he would message me, call me beautiful, and check up on me. We joked and laughed and finally on my fall break, I went back home to see him (I go to college 2 hours away from home where he lived). On the first day, he asked me if I would go out with him and I immediately said yes. No thought was needed. Months later, we grew closer and closer finding out the good, bad, and the ugly about each other. That is where the bumpy parts began to arise. He struggled with substance abuse and depression. I knew I couldn't cure either of them, but I knew I could and would support him. It was tough. He had a lot of insecurities that I didn't know how to handle. He became insecure when I didn't want to have sex. He would constantly need reassurance that I thought he was still handsome to me. Whenever we had arguments, sometimes it would escalate and he would cut and hit himself right before my eyes. Therapy wasn't helping him. Rehab wasn't either. I would from time to time, but I began to just feel like a band-aid, only helping momentarily. 

But then, after a while things got better. We were only going up the roller coaster, never seeing the ground. We were both happy and madly in love. He went to rehab and began to believe in himself. I traveled and returned to college. It was amazing until it began not to be. The last time he visited me, I blew up. Not in an irrational or explosive way, but just full of emotions. I was angry and frustrated and sad. It was all of the feelings that I felt like I couldn't tell him. His state of mind was so fragile that I would be terrified to confront him or break up with him because I feared he would commit suicide (He has been close multiple times). But what caused that was the fact that he suspected I was cheating on him and began to hit himself and say crazy things to me. I don't know why him saying that crushed me in the way that it did, but it definitely did. I told him I needed a break and he pleaded to me that he would do better and to never hurt me again. I insisted on the break and we had it. I needed a lot of time to heal from what I saw and felt. He was also involved in gangs, so I always worried if the day I saw him would be the last. It was a lot for me to reflect on. I decided that I needed months to heal. 

He first agreed until he let the words of his friends and dad take over his mind. They told him that I wanted a break so I could sleep with other people and to slowly break up with him. That wasn't at all the case. I needed time to breathe. Eventually, he decided that the only was for us to be cordial was for us to get back in a relationship. I could't ensure that to me, so he cut me off. HE blocked me on everything and began to tell lies about me on social media. He would call me names and it hurt me so badly because I did so much for him. That was the end of us. I hated him for how he treated me. He hated me for "leaving" him.

Now it is December 2nd and he is gone. Died of an overdose. I am still so mad at him. I feel guilty. He was doing so much better when we were together and after we broke up, he reverted back to his old ways. He began to use again. I feel bad for his family that I grew close to. I pretty much became part of the family and was with them nearly everyday. I went to family therapy with them. They trusted me. Let me eat dinner with them. Took me out to dinner with them. Trusted me with their family's information. Let me eat, sleep, and be with them. They trusted me with their son. I feel bad for his friends who are still back home with him. I feel bad for myself.

I love you Alex.

[Kieron]

I'm sorry that there hasn't been a response to your original post sooner.  It may be that people didn't know how to respond.  I can't imagine the experience you describe but it sounds like your decision to step back for healing was what you needed.  He made his decisions to listen to others instead of the truth of what you were telling him.  it's always tragic when other people maliciously  sway someone's view or opinion about a matter that really doesn't concern anyone else.  it may be that his insecurity undermined him to the point where he lost trust in you, and no matter what you did or said, it wouldn't be enough to fill that gaping void that was in him.  Some people cannot be convinced of our good intentions, nor are they forgiving when we, in our humanity, make mistakes or lash out in anger.  It's very unfortunate, and this social media thing we have nowadays allows rumors, gossip, innuendo and outright lies to flourish, and people outside the situation have no context or any way to discern what's really going on.  Tragic all around.

Feeling guilty is normal and understandable.  it's one of the characteristics of those who are left behind, and it's called "survivor's guilt."  being angry at him is also natural, because he made the choice to fill his void with substances, and it was too much for him to handle and he lost his life, as many do when they abuse substances.  We can be angry at the one who died if, for example, they chose not to eat better, exercise, etc.

I'm sure someone will be along with more experience with this kind of thing, with some comments, but meantime I hope you will seek some counseling or therapy for yourself to process what has happened.

[kayc]

I am blown away that this did not show up in my feed!  I am so sorry we didn't respond sooner, it was not showing up for some reason.  If I could explain technology, I'd be rich and famous.  I am neither.

On 12/2/2019 at 8:57 PM, fennedie said:

he suspected I was cheating on him and began to hit himself and say crazy things to me.

When someone accuses you without provocation, it's their issue and not yours.  There's nothing you could say to him that would alleviate his fears because they reside with him, not you.  I just want you to understand that doesn't lend credence to the allegation, nor does it make you responsible for him.  We can love someone but remain unable to "fix" their issues.

On 12/2/2019 at 8:57 PM, fennedie said:

He was doing so much better when we were together

And yet, could you realistically maintain that level of pressure forever?  Like I said, you can love someone but not be able to fix their issues, that was something only he could do.  HE chose to use the drugs, you didn't choose it for him, and it had costly results...YOU didn't give him those results.  They were a result of the path he'd chosen.

That doesn't mean you don't love him. You probably knew him better than anyone.  You can continue the good memories but try to let go of feeling responsible for his choices.  I know, easier said than done...but worth a try.  Kieron is right, most of us "feel" guilt when our loved one dies...a casualty of grief.  It doesn't mean we ARE guilty though.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

I am so sorry for your loss.

[MartyT]

48 minutes ago, kayc said:

I am blown away that this did not show up in my feed!  I am so sorry we didn't respond sooner, it was not showing up for some reason.  If I could explain technology, I'd be rich and famous.  I am neither.

Ditto, Kay and Kieron. I cannot explain this either. I also apologize to fennedie for our not having seen this post sooner ~ and I can only add my voice to what you both have said in your responses to her. 

Death by suicide is one of the most difficult losses to bear, fennedie, and I am so sorry that you are left with this burden. I hope you are finding the support and understanding you need and deserve.

In addition to the articles that Kay suggested, I invite you to read this: Surviving a Spouse’s Death by Suicide ❤️

See also The Grief of An Overdose Death, Part 1 and The Grief of An Overdose Death, Part 2