The loss I created

[Matkh30]

I just recently put my cat down. Seems pretty mundane and you've probably heard the story a thousand times, but let me explain the consequences of my actions.

My buddy, my cat, was everything to me. My child to say the least. I would have given my right arm if I knew it would extend the life of my poor little budski (his nickname). He succumb to diabetes that literally just ripped his body apart.

Anyway, I had to make the decision to put him down being he reached the point where he was literally suffering. I was programmed to think that it was the humane thing to do.

Though that is probably correct, but what it did was make me realize that I had just killed the one thing that meant anything to me. I made the decision to kill my bud. He relied on me to make sure he was taken care of, to be fed, to have necessary medical attention, to have a safe environment. He trusted me to keep him safe. Knowing all of this, I still made the decision to kill him.

How do I deal with this? I'm supposed to understand that it was within his best interest, but he relied on me to keep him safe. To me the guilt is overwhelming.  I see his food dishes, his litter box, the places he loved to lie in and it tears me apart.

How do you people deal with this type of grief? It's so powerful that it takes my breath away. Yes he was just a cat to most people, but in my eyes he was my son. Think about it. Who goes and euthenizes their son?

So that's my story.  It's loaded with a bunch of rhetorical questions, but nevertheless, I guess I just needed to get it off of my chest.

[kayc]

Matkh30,

I felt as you when I had to put my dog to sleep, he was my little boy and I love him more than anything.  I called him my soulmate in a dog.  He was my companion, my best friend, my little boy, no one ever greeted me like he did!  He had cancer, it was inoperable, no way to save him, and it killed me to watch him going downhill, suffering.  I couldn't keep him alive at his expense, just because I couldn't bear to part with him.  It became apparent it was the kindest thing for him and I pray he forgives me.  In two days it'll be four months.

I know I can't talk you out of your feelings, and they don't even need to be logical, they are part of our grief.  Much as we want to protect and spare them and keep them alive forever, it is not within our power to do so.  Would you feel better had your cat suffered to death?  It seems the most humane way to go, the most selfless, you put him ahead of your own self, for it broke your heart to do so.  I know, I live with it.  I've never had to make a harder decision but in looking back now I can see it was selfless and the kindest thing to do for him and although my heart is crying and broken, his best interest comes through foremost.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

 

[Kirby]

I am going through the same thing.  I had to put my cat my boy down 3 days ago for diabetes related health problems.  I feel so guilty and sad it takes my breath away.  I knew there was something wrong with him but I had just had him into the vet a week before and they couldn’t find anything wrong, so I told myself if he’s not better by the evening I would take him in the next day and went to work.  By nighttime he was bad so we took him into the emergency vet and by the next morning we had to put him down.  I feel like it’s all my fault for letting it go.  I killed him by going to work.

[MartyT]

My heart reaches out to each one of you, and to anyone who is faced with this most difficult and painful decision. I don't see how any decent person who truly loves animals ~ and most especially, one who loves your own companion animal with everything you've got ~ can possibly do this without being hit with an avalanche of doubt and guilt. To consciously and deliberately decide to take the life of the one you love with all your heart and soul is a choice you wouldn't wish on anyone ~ and yet here you are, faced with exactly that choice, and now you find yourself struggling with its consequences in the aftermath. I hope you recognize the courage it takes to make the euthanasia decision ~ because the price you pay in ending your beloved's suffering is to take upon yourself the pain of grief and loss. Bear in mind that feelings are not facts, and feeling as if you killed your own fur baby is not the same as having done so.

One of the things that makes our animal companion animals so special ~ and why we love them so much ~ is their willingness to love us unconditionally and to forgive us in spite of all our human faults and failures. You've done nothing wrong here, and I hope you will find a way to forgive yourselves, just as I'm sure your beloved animals have already forgiven you.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Kirby said:

I am going through the same thing.  I had to put my cat my boy down 3 days ago for diabetes related health problems.  I feel so guilty and sad it takes my breath away.  I knew there was something wrong with him but I had just had him into the vet a week before and they couldn’t find anything wrong, so I told myself if he’s not better by the evening I would take him in the next day and went to work.  By nighttime he was bad so we took him into the emergency vet and by the next morning we had to put him down.  I feel like it’s all my fault for letting it go.  I killed him by going to work.

I am so sorry, I know this hurts.  I wish we could focus on all the good we gave them instead of the one we feel we let them down in.  Diabetes kills cats so if he had that, it was a matter of time.  He's not suffering now and sometimes that's my only consolation, it's very hard losing our pets.  Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace.

[Kirby]

Thank you, I’m struggling with my decisions and guilt.  I know he was so sick that it was his time but I just keep kicking myself for not taking him in. I knew he was not ok I could just tell, so why did I wait??We spent 5 years taking care of him, giving him insulin shots every 12 hours. My husband and my whole life revolved around him we planned everything around him and yet I was never resentful about it because he gave me so much in return.  He got me through some really tough times by just being there and sitting with me.  My heart is broken over him. 

[kayc]

Are you feeling guilty you didn't have him euthanized sooner?  It's so hard to know when the right time is...we can do a day sooner or a day later but we don't want to lose them prematurely or gyp them of any quality time...yet at the same time we don't want them to suffer and it's hard to know when that suffering outweighs the quality of life.  In the end we have to trust that we used our best judgment and that even if we made a mistake in our decision-making, they forgive us, they love us, they are grateful to us for the life we gave them, and they know our every decision was love-based, as they meant the world to us.

[Kirby]

Thank you that actually helps me a lot.  I loved my cat so much I really tried to do everything I could to make him healthy and happy.  He’s left a giant hole in my heart.  

[kayc]

I know the hole, it's hard to live with.

 

[Kirby]

I I picked up my Kirby’s ashes today and it was so hard and sent me into a major spiral of grief.  How do you live with the fact that you beloved pet is never coming back? I have cried for hours now set me right back to the day we put him down.  I was feeling a little better, but today was a major blow. 

[kayc]

One day at a time...one minute at a time.  Remember to breathe.