Dreams that seem so real, and then waking up...

[Thomasov]

Hi - I'm pretty sure there are a lot of topics about this but i wanted to ask who else has these really vivid dreams in which their lost loved one was still alive, but after waking up you realize she's not there anymore. How do you deal with that and when did the dreams go away.

The dreams are strangely comforting but the feeling when you wake up is just devastating.

[kayc]

You are right, it hits hard waking up, like you lose them all over again.  I usually get up, get awake, so I fully realize this is now and it was but a reprieve from reality.

[Thomasov]

Is there a technique for making those dreams go away, or do they just come and go and are they part of the grieving process?

[MartyT]

You may find this article of interest: Nightmares and Bad Dreams In Grief

[kayc]

I've never been able to control my dreams, either getting them or making them go away, but I think there's a lot to learn on the subject and it's possible.
Here's some recent information on the subject:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-control-your-dreams_n_6296526#:~:text=Lucid dreaming is the ability,change elements of the dream.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/10/171019100812.htm

If you google the subject you'll find many more articles on it. 

[Thomasov]

Thank you very much both! Appreciate it 😀

[MTNSIDE]

On 6/17/2020 at 8:34 AM, kayc said:

I've never been able to control my dreams, either getting them or making them go away

 

I have a dream that began close to a year ago. It is different each time, but I can change the parts that I recognize from the prior dreams so that the outcome is better.  I wondered if this was even possible. My older brother that passed away and my first home that flooded,  are always  constant as well as some other details. I have not yet dreamed of younger brother. And he passed away 6 years prior to brother in dreams. 

[MTNSIDE]

On 6/17/2020 at 8:34 AM, kayc said:

I've never been able to control my dreams, either getting them or making them go away

 

I have a dream that began close to a year ago. It’s a little  different each time except,  my older brother I lost and home flood and few other details are constant. I can change the dreams outcome when I get to a part that I remember is going to be upsetting.  I am not sure what to think about that happening. 

[kayc]

I dreamed about my Kitty that passed Jan. 6 last night, in the dream she was in bad shape as she was before she passed and I was taking her in to have her put to sleep...I remember thinking, this is why I had her put to sleep LAST time.  I woke up feeling like my decision was the right one, all the more.  Poor Kitty!  I miss her.  What put it in my mind was when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I saw something dark on the floor (Kodie's toy) and thought it was Kitty...in my stupor I'd forgotten she was dead!

[MTNSIDE]

On 6/28/2020 at 9:11 AM, kayc said:

.I remember thinking, this is why I had her put to sleep LAST time.  I woke up feeling like my decision was the right one, all the more.  Poor Kitty!  I miss her.

How nice to have a dream that’s a confirmation that you made the right decision. Regardless of how it came about, ur mind seems like it worked through it all over again.  It may be you had some need to lay to rest any fear regarding the decision to put her to sleep. A very selfless act.  I’m so sorry you has to make that decision. 

[MTNSIDE]

I lost both of our dogs, one past away 3 months after losing my second brother and only one month before my first home was demolished  because of flooding 4 times, in 2015, old age at age 17.  Then in 2016, a week before a freak flood took my younger brothers, who had died of brain anuerysm age 38, home we had moved to and invested my remaining equity in, We lost our sweet 15 year old mini chihuahua, also of old age. And only a couple months before I lost my best friend to a very brave fight with cancer. I, like I did the other losses, put it out my mind as tho it didn’t happen.  The beginnings of what would become complicated grief. During these ‘3 years’ I lost another friend, my health and 20 year business I loved having. I don’t know what to even think about a recent nightmare I had that made me recall a terrible event in my younger life, 40 years later!!!  It’s a loss in many ways. If anything causes me to lose my fight to survive, it will be this awareness that all I had believed I bravely faced and prevented, happened twice. Maybe more:(....  I lost bad. But this loss keeps haunting me throughout everyday. I’ve had this true nightmare 9 times in 4 months. And I can only hope the strange things I’ve also been doing with little memory of doing them, will stop happening too. It is a strange thing to lose control of some things you do. Loss comes in many forms!!   I believe this recovered memory is the most harmful of all and need it to get lost again!!!! Really bad!!!!!?

[MTNSIDE]

On 6/14/2020 at 2:35 PM, Thomasov said:

The dreams are strangely comforting but the feeling when you wake up is just devastating.

 

[MTNSIDE]

Maybe try going about it a little differently. Try tellIng yourself that you are hoping to see ur loved one in ur dreams that night. Have it in your mind already that it’s a treat to see them, but they go away with your dreams as u awaken.  Accept that ahead of time, and I hope that may help u wake up without that emotional pain...Im sad I have never dreamed of my younger brother we lost to a brain anuerysm in 2009, at 38, tho there was nobody I was closer to than him.   But a close 2nd was my older brother who died of COPD in 2015. He was 51. I also have the same type COPD as he had.  I dream of my older brother often starting approximately 6 months ago. Funny thing is in my dreams,  I never see his face. 

[kayc]

7 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

I lost both of our dogs, one past away 3 months after losing my second brother and only one month before my first home was demolished  because of flooding 4 times, in 2015, old age at age 17.  Then in 2016, a week before a freak flood took my younger brothers, who had died of brain anuerysm age 38, home we had moved to and invested my remaining equity in, We lost our sweet 15 year old mini chihuahua, also of old age. And only a couple months before I lost my best friend to a very brave fight with cancer. I, like I did the other losses, put it out my mind as tho it didn’t happen.  The beginnings of what would become complicated grief. During these ‘3 years’ I lost another friend, my health and 20 year business I loved having. I don’t know what to even think about a recent nightmare I had that made me recall a terrible event in my younger life, 40 years later!!!  It’s a loss in many ways. If anything causes me to lose my fight to survive, it will be this awareness that all I had believed I bravely faced and prevented, happened twice. Maybe more:(....  I lost bad. But this loss keeps haunting me throughout everyday. I’ve had this true nightmare 9 times in 4 months. And I can only hope the strange things I’ve also been doing with little memory of doing them, will stop happening too. It is a strange thing to lose control of some things you do. Loss comes in many forms!!   I believe this recovered memory is the most harmful of all and need it to get lost again!!!! Really bad!!!!!?

I can't begin to imagine...what you've been through, I'm so sorry!  You have learned how to live with it somehow, it speaks of resilience, a most coveted quality when facing grief.

[MTNSIDE]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I can't begin to imagine...what you've been through, I'm so sorry!  You have learned how to live with it somehow, it speaks of resilience, a most coveted quality when facing grief.

I have not been living with it too good at all. The combo of borderline personality and complicated grief along with my other labels has inhibited my getting any help. I have isolated for 2 years now. I actually have vitamin D deficiency from never being out this room and going outdoors. I exist only. I wish I were strong like I was in my entire past life. But those 3 years took it all. Friends , family, health , income, homes,  pets. I can’t accept this but I’m very stuck. How I survive is knowing I have the option of dying when I can’t take another step. 

[kayc]

If I was a professional giving you help, I would encourage you to step outside for a brief walk every day.  Do you have physical limitations barring that?  If so, maybe sit out on a front porch or deck for a period every day, greet neighbors, etc.  It helps to be outside in fresh air.  Can also take a drive, roll down the windows.  I'm fortunate to live in the country, I know it's harder in the city in some areas where it's not safe.

Try to take "dying" off the table as an option...give that to the good Lord as we didn't give ourselves life, neither can we decide when to take it away, it's a GIFT to us, even when it doesn't always FEEL like a gift.  

A positive affirmations tape would be good to listen to daily.  

Have you tried prayer and meditations?  There is a section in here for just that, free meditations, it can help refresh our state of minds. Under Tools for healing: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/7778-meditation/

 

Wishing you well...

[MTNSIDE]

I started seeing a therapist except she only sees me once every 4-5 weeks. And over the phone since pandemic for about 20 min each time. I had seen her only once before pandemic. She was telling me to join a social club. I was never the social club type person. I am taking your advice. I went and sat on porch today and it was nice. I will try to do that each day. Maybe more as my health improves from taking meds and vitaminD.  I’m really hoping part of this depression is from those med problems. Just if it can be a little better may be it will enough to make this all not seem so dark and hopeless. Thank you for advice. I will check out the meditations too. God bless you! 

[kayc]

I am so glad to hear it!  I know how hard this pandemic can be on top of grieving.  Those of us who live alone are really impacted!  It helps me so much to get out in nature.  I'm not a social club type of person either.  I need both solitude and some time with others, but I don't need to be around others every day, in fact, I like my alone time...just not ALL the time!  This forced isolation is hard.  I walk my dog a few times a day and miss seeing the neighbors or my friends/church a couple times a week.  It was a good balance before.  But just taking Kodie out helps.  Here's my puppy, Kodie:

[MTNSIDE]

 

On 7/8/2020 at 10:55 AM, kayc said:

Here's my puppy, Kodie:

Nice to meet you, Kodie. This is my dog, Suge, and cat, Roux. I always enjoyed alone time, tho rarely had any while raising my sons. Now I have plenty. I never want to be around anyone anymore. Sometimes I feel bad for being tnis way, but it’s how I want it now. It’s too hard to pretend to be how everyone wants me to be. If they stay away, I can just be whatever this is.
 

[kayc]

Awe, sweet!  They are such wonderful companions!  I've thought of getting a cat again but not while Kodie is still a puppy.