Too many losses too fast

[MTNSIDE]

In just a few years I lost both of my brothers and 3 of my remaining 4 friends. I loss my home to disaster and my business to a terminal illness I found out about in 2016. I was told I have complicated grief and the grief center turned me away for treatment cause I suffer from borderline personality and it’s hard to go on. I am only able to distract my thoughts from the pain if these losses. And survive by knowing that is also my choice. It is so much harder lately. I didn’t think my depression could be more severe. My heart goes out to people who suffer losses. I try not to get angry but it’s hard cause there’s not enough left to have any hope. 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

the grief center turned me away for treatment cause I suffer from borderline personality and it’s hard to go on

What?!!!  It's hard to fathom them turning you away!  What do they expect you to do?  Anyone seeking help should be able to get it.  There's more than one place to get help, I would encourage you to find a grief counselor.  They are not all one and the same, sometimes it can take a couple of tries but so worth it in the end to persevere and have the one that is right for you.  Meanwhile, you have found a good safe place to express yourself.  Please know we are listening and want to encourage you.

I am SO SORRY for all of your losses!  I have had multiple losses in my life, the hardest being my husband 15 years ago yesterday on Father's Day and my dog ten months ago.  I also lost my 25 year old cat 5 1/2 months ago.  Each one is painful in their own way but the deeper the love and more daily interaction you had, the deeper the loss it seems.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

I am reposting this article for clarification on complicated grief:

Quote

 

Mitch, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that there are good people in our field who DO care and are working hard to find ways to better understand and support the bereaved, especially when there are those who are still suffering and looking for relief. There is a lot of room for research here, and I am grateful for those who choose to study the mysteries and complexities and variations in grief, discovering as they try various therapeutic approaches what helps and what does not. As a result, we've learned so much more about grief than we knew just ten or twenty years ago ~ and these studies have helped enormously to inform the practice of those who work in the fields of grief counseling and grief therapy. Katherine Shear, MD, with the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University School of Social Work, for example, has done important work in this regard, including having developed specific, short-term treatment modalities that have been proven truly effective in helping grieving people. We don't need to equate complicated grief with a form of "mental illness" in order to study, find and use effective ways to help people who are miserable and looking for help. Labels don't mean much to those of us who work in this field, and as you've undoubtedly known me to say so many times in my own writings, grief is as individual as a person's finger print. In that sense, everyone's grief is complicated, by dozens of different and individual factors, so no one label and no one set of rules applies.

In the natural course of grief, over time (in many cases, over years) most of us find ways to carry our pain and adapt to life without the physical presence of our loved one who has died. How long that takes is like asking how high is up. It takes as long as it takes, and for some it can take a lifetime ~ but it does change, and we change right along with it. We never really "get over" it. We just find ways to live with it. But as Dr. Shear points out, "Complicated Grief is a form of grief that takes hold of a person's mind and won't let go." She goes on to say that:

It is natural to experience intense grief after someone close dies, but complicated grief is different. Troubling thoughts, dysfunctional behaviors or problems regulating emotions get a foothold and stall adaptation. Complicated grief is the condition that occurs when this happens. People with complicated grief don't know what’s wrong. They assume that their lives have been irreparably damaged by their loss and cannot imagine how they can ever feel better. Grief dominates their thoughts and feelings with no respite in sight. Relationships with family and friends flounder. Life can seem purposeless, like nothing seems to matter without their loved one. Others begin to feel frustrated, helpless and discouraged. Even professionals may be uncertain about how to help.  People often think this is depression but complicated grief and depression are not the same thing.

Grief

Grief is a person’s response to loss, entailing emotions, thoughts and behaviors as well as physiological changes. Grief is permanent after we lose someone close though it’s manifestations are variable both within and between people. Still, there are some commonalities that can help you recognize complicated grief.

Acute grief occurs in the initial period after a loss. It almost always includes strong feelings of yearning, longing and sadness along with anxiety, bitterness, anger, remorse, guilt and/or shame. Thoughts are mostly focused on the person who died and it can be difficult to concentrate on anything else. Acute grief dominates a person’s life.

Integrated grief is the result of adaptation to the loss. When a person adapts to a loss grief is not over. Instead, thoughts, feelings and behaviors related to their loss are integrated in ways that allow them to remember and honor the person who died. Grief finds a place in their life.

Complicated grief occurs when something interferes with adaptation. When this happens acute grief can persist for very long periods of time. A person with complicated grief feels intense emotional pain. They can’t stop feeling like their loved one might somehow reappear and they don’t see a pathway forward.  A future without their loved one seems forever dismal and unappealing.

Complications get in the way of adapting to the loss

There are three key processes entailed in adapting to a loss: 1) accepting the reality, including the finality and consequences of the loss, 2) reconfiguring the internalized relationship with the deceased person to incorporate this reality, and 3) envisioning ways to move forward with a sense of purpose and meaning and possibilities for happiness.  Most people move forward naturally in this way and grief finds a place in their lives as they do. Sometimes there are thoughts, feelings or behaviors that interfere with adaptation. Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) helps people identify and resolve these interfering issues.

Troubling thoughts: After a loved one dies, almost everyone has some unsettling thoughts about how things could have been different. People with complicated grief get caught up in these kinds of thoughts.

Avoidance of reminders: People with complicated grief often think the only way they can manage pain is to stop the emotions from being triggered. To do this they try to avoid reminders of the loss.

Difficulty managing painful emotions: Emotions are almost always strong and uncontrollable during acute grief and managing them is different than at other times in our lives. Most people find a way to balance the pain with respite by doing other things, being with other people or distracting themselves. People with complicated grief are often unable to do this.  [Source: CG Overview]

If this description of complications fits what you (or anyone reading this) is thinking, feeling and doing, you might consider finding a therapist whose practice is informed by the work of Katherine Shear. Her website lists therapists with training and experience in treating complicated grief. See Find a Therapist
found here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/11486-are-we-all-suffering-from-pgd/page/3/

 

 

[kayc]

Also, I want to add this article I wrote on things I've found helpful over the years in my own grief journey...hoping something is of help to you today or even later on:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kieron]

15 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

I was told I have complicated grief and the grief center turned me away for treatment cause I suffer from borderline personality and it’s hard to go on

Huh?  Maybe this "grief center" is run by a bunch of incompetents?  I hope there are other options available where you are.  That's pretty shady of them!  Kay has a lot of good tips and advice and I hope one or more of them is helpful.

[MTNSIDE]

When the grief center wouldn’t treat me after 2nd visit, I can never put in words how deflated I felt. I had many therapist not treat me cause of borderline personality and past serious attempts. I begged them to help. I’m terminal with what I lost one brother from and honestly, I look forward to leaving this world. It’s never shown much mercy but was heavy on the pain. I’m tired and mostly of asking another therapist to help me. I’ve heard no enough for 2 lifetimes. But they want me to believe in anything getting better. It can’t. The one friend still living has caused more pain....so when is it ok to finally beg for an end to the pain. Physical is horrible but I’d take 10 times that over this mental anguish . Thank you for understanding and responding,  Kieran, and my heart is with u both thru ur pain. Thank u for the info also kayc. I was not expecting anyone to respond. It’s nice to know someone heard me.  Thank you and many blessings to u all!! ❤️

[kayc]

Kieron answered you in your last post, and I hope you reflected on that...I do not understand a therapist refusing you treatment, doesn't matter what you've been diagnosed, we all deserve that help and respect.  You have purpose and are still here and I truly hope you'll continue seeking help, I know it must feel discouraging, but I hope you don't give up!  (That is Kieron's vocation)

[MTNSIDE]

I reflected on both of your posts. You had a lot of info on grief. It’s hard to explain what I do not understand. I’ve been in this hole for over 2 years.  A sex assault center here found me a therapist who said he specializes in grief and trauma and bpd. They thought of me, and I saw him for almost 4 months. I was always discouraged from talking about any of my losses when I would try to force myself to talk about one. I really wanted help. Well he quit on me. On voicemail after ending my last appt w him 35 min early... I had told him he wasn’t helping me much during a phone call days before and he reacted strongly. Saying how I seemed like I was doing so good. So much better...  I was almost always in an ok mood when I got to where he practiced. I was already isolating myself over a year by then so just going somewhere made my mood different. I automatically hide how I feel without meaning to. I don’t know how to make myself continue to think of any loss cause my mind distracts to something else or I kind of zone out. Besides I was a little nervous with a male therapist because of a marriage counselor being inappropriate w me many years before. Another therapist who was in his mid 70’s spent our time talking about his adventures and playing Pink Floyd. I let that go on for 3 months. The rest turned me away. Mostly because of borderline personality.  I can’t afford one outside my insurance thanx to my disabilities now. It all feels like it’s in a pile in my head and I don’t know how to separate it. I also know what happens when I start feeling too much of it. I can’t turn it off... I survived a few attempts when that would happen.  Even I couldn’t help but think God had a hand In my surviving each time.  The hospitals were also unable to release me to a therapist for the same reasons. There is nobody left that I, or anyone helping me, have not  asked. The search ended with The Grief Centers denial. I take it hour by hour. I fight so my sons don’t have another loss. I know chances are I’m going to lose this fight. I didn’t mean for it to pile up like it did, but it was all so close together and I was scared of the pain. I tried till I just can’t seem to anymore. Thank you for the information. It helps to be reminded that I’m not alone. God Bless You, both!!! 

[Kieron]

7 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

I had told him he wasn’t helping me much during a phone call days before and he reacted strongly.

He personalized what you said and made it about him.  That's understandable, in a way, but it is unprofessional, and to end the session early is even worse and to drop you by voicemail, well....  He showed his unprofessionalism so you're well-rid of him.

7 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

Another therapist who was in his mid 70’s spent our time talking about his adventures and playing Pink Floyd. I let that go on for 3 months. The rest turned me away. Mostly because of borderline personality.

OMG again with the unprofessional behavior.  Therapy is not about the therapist's needs!  And an inappropriate marriage counselor--yeesh!  What ails these people?  You have had a tour of the hall of shame in counselors, therapists and (un)professionals, haven't you.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) requires some training to address adequately and clearly not one of these people was up for the task.  I see you are in Louisiana.  I ran a search for these terms: borderline personality disorder therapy Louisiana and turned up a number of results.  Also, psychologytoday.com  has a listing of around 25 area therapists who specialize in BPD.  Depending on your insurance coverage, of course... you know your situation best.  I hope some of this is helpful.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

Well he quit on me. On voicemail after ending my last appt w him 35 min early... I had told him he wasn’t helping me much during a phone call days before and he reacted strongly. Saying how I seemed like I was doing so good.

It sounds like he reactive defensively and personalized what you told him.  I would expect more professionalism from him.

I just read Kieron's post and the assessment was the same as mine.

I do hope you will be able to find a therapist that will accept your insurance by searching as suggested by Kieron.

It sounds like you really have not gotten a fair shake.  I truly hope that changes.

[MTNSIDE]

Well I first want to say thank you to both Kieron and Kayc. I thought it had to be something about me that got these bad results..  the odds that 3 of only 3 therapists I saw, all being unprofessional in my treatment, just didn’t seem possible. In addition to all the rejections to treat me?? I have read too much about pwbpd ruining others lives. Therapists talk In Quora about how they wouldn’t consider treating pwbpd.  So it had to be because I’m the defective one. Maybe they all went to the same university? Because there is a counselor im going to share about that make 2 of the 3 therapist look great. The other is a nasty pervert for life!!!!   ((((I did report that marriage counselor to the board, had a hearing, but the lawyer I was assigned never would say what proved he did it .   He contradicted his first explanation to the Dr he worked under saying that he needed to comfort me w a hug I was so upset —-that I really blew out of proportion.  Well his notes that day said what good spirits I was in. No mention of that hug an upset me had needed!!!  Well I didn’t misread his lips and hands all over me. But they couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell an older couple in the waiting room. The staff was all gone by then. I froze and they didn’t get that. Vomited by my car even. Told husband when I got home. He knew I was abused by my own dad and still  did that to me!  He is practicing in Baton Rouge today. 25 years later!!)))  off subject— I have checked w psychology today a few times over last couple years and most of them only took cash/credit. The few who took medicare were not taking new patients and nobody took my secondary insurance. But I will check once more in case of any changes. I never thought I would try again, but after both of your responses, and really great advice and tips, I have a little hope that there are knowledgeable therapist who may care enough to see me this time. Or maybe one who doesn’t know better yet!! Not funny.  Is this how it feels like dealing with professionals? They offer advice about the problem u actually went to them for? Even offer a little support and advice to help me come out of hiding? Cause I avoid going anywhere or seeing anyone. My life was already actually more isolated than before the quarantine. I had been praying for the world to slow down. Two years already went by without me. My mom said I prayed too hard when pandemic started. Yeah blame that on me too!! I know I made things worse by pretending none of it happened. It was 11 major losses in 3 years. 2 of those were our dogs but at ages 15 and 17, they were family too,  and i even avoided any pain when they died. So now it’s like a big pile of painful thoughts I can almost visualize. I feel it is there. I leave it alone. When any of those things try to enter my thoughts I push it back. That’s my main job now to survive. Don’t think about it.  It obviously was a messed up, not well thought out plan but it came at me too fast every few months. And I was already suffering severe depression before any of these happened.. I’m ashamed of myself for never thinking of them; especially my brothers. I am going to try once more, wow, because a couple of people cared enough to not only read about the pain I tried to deny, which i think caused me all the complicated grief im trying to pretend isn’t there, but both took time to reply.   I saw only death as the next solution to a pain that is so awful to feel even a part of it. But I felt a step! I’ll take a step in any direction!!   It is all so welcomed and needed. Nobody should have to feel so much pain for so long, literally begging to get treated.  Only left to figure out how to survive on my own. If I didn’t have my sons, I wouldn’t have been writing about the life that was taken away so quickly.  I think how sad that one of my sons would be writing about their mom they shouldn’t have lost.  I was always a fighter. I held onto any small hope I had to and pushed on. Through a few traumas and many losses throughout my entire adulthood.  After a childhood, well, it was enough to have a borderline personality and cptsd. Cause it started when I was 2.  My first suicidal thots, more like begging God to take me, came when I was 4-5. I know my age because my little brother was being potty trained.  Tho besides one attempt at 17, .  Off subj ——about the school counselor I said I would tell about ((((and just months later after that attempt,  a friend asked me to do it with her but I chickened out....  she succeeded. She was at school having taken her 75 pills that next morning. I wouldn’t take mine.. but I took her to our guidance counselors office who, I’m only so sad to say, only had her sister pick her up. She was obviously drugged up bad too. Like why not a hospital???   well Back at her home she took “my” 75 also, and died 2 days later. Moaning that she wanted someone to stop here.  It wasn’t until several years passed that I realized how the counselor failed that poor girl. It was a parochial school.  That counselor didn’t let me out her site during the few days for the funeral.  I lived w that guilt for so long but as an adult realized I did the right thing. The Guidance counselor failed her so bad:(((..—-   )))))).  I’m scared and nervous and have no expectations. But I’ll try the things suggested by Kieron and Kayc. Thank u. Sometimes a person needs only one person to care a little and I got 2!!! And seemed to both care a lot. I hope I have good news next post!!!

[Kieron]

I used to have a site bookmarked that would be a great resource for you for BPD, but I lost some of my bookmarks.  Dangit. 

 

46 minutes ago, MTNSIDE said:

 Is this how it feels like dealing with professionals? They offer advice about the problem u actually went to them for? Even offer a little support and advice to help me come out of hiding?

They're supposed to be of assistance or if they can't or if it's beyond their skill level, they are obligated to refer you to someone who can.  They also must take courses in ethics every license renewal period.  If it makes you feel better, when these professionals screw up, the board that oversees their licensure should be ensuring they go on a registry of licensees who messed up somehow.  That's public information.  You can contact any board of any professional license and ask to see the credentials and license of anyone who serves vulnerable populations, such as you.  If there are any complaints against them, it's likely open for you to read just by asking.  Every state is different though.  There are also national registries of professional licensures.  The internet has opened up the ability of the average person to track down information like this.

 

52 minutes ago, MTNSIDE said:

I hope I have good news next post!!!

I do too!  There's got to be something out there for you.  Even if your condition of BPD is challenging to yourself and everyone, there are competent professionals who sincerely want to help.

[MTNSIDE]

Well why didn’t the marriage counselor I reported and had a hearing show any complaints against him when I looked? Is maybe the fact of 25 years ago matter? It shouldn’t in a sex assault complaint 

[MTNSIDE]

I’ve had my share of perverts for 5 lifetimes. Shoot even my dad still looks at me uncomfortably. They never change. It should stay on their record their whole career. And Our school counselor? I blamed myself so long for my friends suicide. Our religion teacher blamed me too. I admitted about the pact and me changing my mind. I didn’t mention what Mrs. McDaniels did or even knew about it.. but it was the counselors unforgivable negligence that resulted in a 17 year olds death!! 

[Kieron]

I don't know.  Things have changed a lot in 25 years, and maybe things are different in my state than in yours.  It's incredible how different laws, statutes and so forth are among the American states.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

So it had to be because I’m the defective one.

Instead of thinking of yourself as defective (you're not), think of them as knowing their limitations and needing more education!  I wish they had put it to you better.  It's THEM, not you!

2 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

But they couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell an older couple in the waiting room.

I was raped when I was 16.  I didn't tell anyone for YEARS!  Even now when someone reports something it's a crap shoot if anything will be done about it.  We haven't come as far as we need to.

2 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

He knew I was abused by my own dad and still  did that to me!

Predators like that smell their vulnerable prey...if you have gone through sexual abuse somehow they know even w/o being told and they prey on you too!

 

2 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

I have checked w psychology today a few times over last couple years and most of them only took cash/credit. The few who took medicare were not taking new patients and nobody took my secondary insurance.

Try a different tack...contact your insurance and find out who is covered for this and then contact them for an appointment, making sure to find out if you need a pre-authorization first.

2 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

 I was always a fighter.

Good!  Hold onto that trait, we need it!  I have always been a fighter too and as a result, I have survived a lot in my lifetime.

That is horrible what happened with your childhood friend and that the school didn't send her to the hospital by ambulance.  I can't imagine that happening today!  They take a whole different stance now, I think the mandatory reporting requirement has been educating how to handle some situations.

[MTNSIDE]

46 minutes ago, kayc said:

.

Predators like that smell their vulnerable prey...if you have gone through sexual abuse somehow they know even w/o being told and they prey on you too!

 

That makes me sad tho I've heard it often. I had an attempted abduction when my children were young still and excluding a couple other incidents, I was raped last July but never told anyone. Well I guess with everyone now gone, I had my one friend still living to tell, but she would blame me for it. I froze. I always freeze and feel I have no right to say no tho logically, I know better. But to think they can sense im a victim is upsetting to me. Makes me feel like I’ll always be victimized cause. As a child it was my dad 100 times +.... and others maybe a few times each.  As adult my counselor knew I was victim but the others didn’t but still know cause of how I am? Or act? That makes me want to hide even longer!!

[MTNSIDE]

My last friend passed away right before Christmas in 2017. He was also friends with my older brother I had just lost in 2015. That made him even more special cause we shared that loss.  I was just arriving for another visit, and after about 5 minutes, as he unlocked his “man cave” I thot he just dropped the keys and was reaching to the ground to pick them up. But quickly realized when his glasses fell off that something was wrong, and I raised his head and saw he was not breathing. Even his tongue was out.  He was on a scooter. I yelled for his wife, who was there after a few minutes w a tube of glucose I guess and I could tell she was really not trying to help him. I went to dial 911 and she pulled my phone away. I was saying he has no heartbeat now and she was tapping his chest calling his name!!! She wouldn’t help me move him to the ground for cpr.... When I tried to call 911 again she pulled my phone and said that he was ready to die. I finally jerked It away and called for help. I guess she wanted to be sure he was gone. I was numb. I felt like I failed him. I called the friends we shared And 15 minutes later the paramedics arrived. 5 more minutes had him on ground to try and revive him. 25 min already has passed without any sign of life. The protest from his wife and daughter who was running up driveway and yelling to paramedics to not revive her daddy!!!    But without DNR papers, they started cpr. And shocking his heart. I noticed they were showing others on their team how to use the machine etc.  He was just talking to me and now was lying in the chilly dark on the cold cement while they worked over 45 minutes on him. Now gone 70 minutes!!! Enough !!!  They ruptured his esophagus by letting what seemed to be a trainee Intubate my friend. The blood was everywhere. They were using him now to teach the others. I couldn’t comprehend it all.  I was even pleading for them to stop at that point.  I had to wait to speak to a detective and the coroner since I was the only one with him when he died. I was there another hour.  I left out how his wife had behaved. And how she delayed my calling for help.  Sadly, during resuscitation attempts,  I heard her say to someone that she was tired of taking care of him. A man who worked hard and provided his family a very nice home. My friend I knew 36 years. And Who I loved to visit. And do whatever people do with a little help from our friends:).. She was tired of him? I lost the little respect I had for her.  I was never able to go there or Even look at his home when passing it. I can still see how the blood appeared to come out his eyes. It was the result of his head being tilted back when esophagus ruptured. When his head was back down it looked like blood came out his eyes.  I was glad that I was there for him... I held his head right away.  I prayed. I cared. I wanted him back. My last link to my brother and all our fun times together was gone too? Really? That suddenly?  Just 3 years prior,  my brothers best friend and my ex boyfriend, who, after our break up, remained my close friend too. We 3 were concert groupies/beach bums festival/Mardi Gras anything  goers who rarely left New Orleans without visiting the NOLA jail first,  to pick up Bobby.  He got kicked out of P. McCartney, Pink Floyd and even a Rush concert that the drummer invited me to go to their after party! Cool but I was relieved to have excuse to say no cause we had to find Bobby ‘Axel Rose’ who claimed he wrote Sweet child o mine for me!!! Lol.  In 2013, this father of 3, died of a self inflicted shotgun wound to his head after he crushed his hands and our dear friend since 1987 and talented mechanic was in more pain than we understood. Goodbye my brothers Darryl and Tim and our dear friends Bobby and Kent. And my dearest friend Cecilia. 

[Kieron]

I found that resource after racking my brain.   Shari Schreiber, MA, has a forum and resource/support website that I suggest checking out.  She doesn't sugarcoat anything.  She's direct but compassionate.  I hope this helps in some way!

https://sharischreiber.com/articles-and-forums/

[kayc]

I mentioned it only because I want you to understand you are not responsible for what happened, it's them, not you!  We can learn to respond so they sense us differently, I was reading an old article on it this morning but it was quite lengthy.  Something a therapist could help with when you find the right one!  I've had to go through counseling.  

[MTNSIDE]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

I found that resource after racking my brain.   Shari Schreiber, MA, has a forum and resource/support website that I suggest checking out.  

How sweet of u to look for me. This is the sweetest site I’ve tried. Inspire is good one too. But this is better fitted cause the amount of grief. I will check it out!!! Thank u . Really. 2 years of nothing. Hopelessness. I’m on the brink. I came in time it seems. God Bless you (((((hugs))))))

[MTNSIDE]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

 

Try a different tack...contact your insurance and find out who is covered for this and then contact them for an appointment, making sure to find out if you need a pre-authorization first.happened with your childhood friend and that the school didn't send her to the hospital by ambulance.  I can't imagine that happening today!  They take a whole different stance now, I think the mandatory reporting requirement has been educating how to handle some situations.

MTNside reply:                            I actually did it that way on My very first search. That was when I started hearing very few treat personality disorders. Mostly treat mood disorders. The last time was 6 months ago. So I’ll see if anyone new is on their list now. Thank u. It is the easiest way to call only the ones my medicare insurance covers. 

((((Hugs))))))

[MTNSIDE]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

 I mentioned it only because I want you to understand you are not responsible for what happened, it's them, not you!  We can learn to respond so they can sense us differently. 

I have an ability to adjust parts of my personality to help me be a better person/ mom. I didn’t want to be shy anymore, and I can now talk to anyone. I was so quick to anger but modified my reactions to come out more calm. Or I take it out on myself...  I was timid and nervous from dodging and hiding from my dad all of the time. A constant fear started Inside of me when I was only 3 because that’s when I knew my dad was doing things I was not allowed to let him do to me. When I watched our home movies,  at 1-2 years, I am very shy but brigheyed and happy. By age 4 I walked into the room obviously very different. Scared eyes all over the place and I was constantly wringing my hands. So nervous. Sad eyes. I guess after a year of knowing it was wrong when I was  3, yet was daily getting molested or  trying to hide so he couldn’t molest me....Caused the nervousness.  May first thoughts of dying were Age 4-5. Pleading God to take me. I mean begging.   I know I was given worry stones when I was 7-8 years old and up. I recently recalled what happened after reading what my dad asked me to in RV.  What he had wanted to do me. That night I don’t know but I wonder what did my mama see that made her treat my dad bad For the first time ever??  Why did she beg my mom on phone to let us stay w her. She didn’t want to let me go. My mom made that 2 weeks a lie. My little brother is no longer here to back me up. My mom says we stayed at my mamas the entire time. OmG!!! That hurts. She got jealous about my dad and   ME. Ewww. Well my memory recalled it only 4 months ago. While on ptsd nightmare med. I couldn’t sleep for the next 6 nights. My friend ,her dad ,and cousin( funny guy) heard me doing stand up comedy in bathroom for over 2 hours.. I saw audience in the tri mirrors with a drummer to bring the joke home!! I was having a blast. Being awake 6 nights and acquiring me a little something for the buzz..... felt unreal cause it usually is for me..   I wish I could feel good again.  Well tne dream involved me reading same book. Then I was back at our home In Alabama.  Just me and my dad. This is real I always wondered about.... first I am facing shower wall n master bathroom. Water on. Next thing I was lying along side my dad, I wasn’t dried but my pajamas were on and hair was wet but not washed or combed:(... 40

years of those few pieces memory... but 4 months ago, my life went from me being suicidal often, to not wanting anything more than sending that memory into oblivion!!  I didn’t need that. It’s was really bad enough. I lost a nephew I raised when buddies thought how funny to shoot a  drunk up w herion. Cause he was scared of needles. He died.  After being on support 11 days. One needle mark on his arm:(. My sweet self proclaimed HoBo!!! He lived with homeless jumping trains to every state. He did all but Hawaii, Alaska and Maine. He would show up every couple months for his care package I’d make for his trip. His fav was maple brown sugar oatmeal.  So young  only 20. My Sweet baby, Dustin. He never doubted my love. Sadly he did doubt his mothers..  Now, back to how I can not live with this memory!!!   It is so real and I always thought I stood up and stayed away!!!  That I kept him from taking what no father should take. No body should take it away from any lady. It kills part of her soul... I don’t want My sons to have more loss. . I raised them 90 % alone .... I know why I can’t take showers now. But it has to go. It’s real. It just happened to me really. I can barely even visit my parents. It made so much no longer special. I’ll always know he took away my innocence, the person I was going to be,  He made me feel such a severe major depression. Unstable about myself and who I am. Why I can feel Only so much for anyone. Why I ache with sorrow I can picked up by only walking by someone Who feels it. It was called different things in my late teens & early 20’s. Empath  Victim Soul  Martyr  .... but I know what others feel. And if mood changes,  I feel that too. I have actually felt others over internet. No visual. It’s the least gift I should receive.  Next ,  I need this almost weekly Shower sex to leave. I’ll do ECT if it’ll work. I was suggested EMDR Before pandemic. Now I will try it. I could live with all but not this. It was not his to steal from me!!!! I had forgiven him. But he thinks that is forgiven too. He couldn’t know I lost that memory. Thinks he was forgiven. I need help on this one cause it brings me closer to ending it than I have since 2018. It is the only thing that really messed me up too much!!! Pray for it to go back to hell!!! Only place for that type interaction!!! 🥵🥺😴

 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

I was not allowed to let him do to me.

This sounds like you assume responsibility for what happened at AGE THREE!  I hope you understand that you ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE, were not then, are not now.  We can learn to empower ourselves but in no way does that shift responsibility/blame on us for someone else's actions, especially as a young child!  You have done well to learn to adjust/modify your behavioral responses as you have with your shyness, upset, etc.  I hope you give yourself huge credit for that!

This is all over my pay grade, I can be hear to listen and care but I realize you need the guidance of a professional counselor and I sincerely hope you find the right one!  Yesterday I did some searching and ended up getting malware on my PC, had to deal with that.  So we do have to be careful what we click on in a google search!

 

[MTNSIDE]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

This sounds like you assume responsibility for what happened at AGE THREE!  I hope you understand that you ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE,

 

 

I never realized how much I do feel was my fault. But you are so right!!! I did blame myself, but after ur reply and really thinking on it now, I would never think any other  3 year old could control that. Be responsible for that. Wow. I’m glad u noticed because it feels a little lighter now.  I feel better in several ways!! There were a few things I thought were my fault. They could not have been tho. Thank you ... really so much !!! ❤️

[kayc]

I'm glad your load feels a little lighter to carry going forward!  You went through way too much at such a young age and deserve some relief and freedom from this!