First birthday without my mom

[Sara7]

My birthday is tomorrow. 3 weeks since my mom passed away. Mine is the first in our family since it happened. I kind of wish we could just ignore it this year...

I am staying in my childhood home. Taking care of my father. He is almost completely blind. It has been nice to be with family and the home I grew up in. Where all of my favorite memories with my mom took place 🤍 I felt okay about it today. I decided to take my daughter to our favorite café here and then bake a cake. A few of our relatives are coming. Most live far away - I am not a very good hostess like my mom was. She was the star everywhere she went - Then my sister said that she was coming. I was extremely excited, because I was not expecting it. She has dealt with her loss in her way. She kind of disappeared after. I respected it and took care of things so that she could take care of herself. Besides my dad is not her dad. Her father died when she was 1 year old. Losing our mom was extremely hard on her. She is the oldest and felt like she wanted to take care of my mom like our mom always took care of us. We have been concerned about my mom's health for a while. Never expected this though. But then she said that she wasn't coming after all. I was extremely disappointed. Kind of angry to be honest. Her husband had invited her somewhere. But I could really use my family close on this difficult day. I don't know. I kind of feel alone. Like I didn't just lose my mom. I lost my brother and sister too. Because without my mom, they have no reason to come here (my brother lives in another country). They both have their own families. I just have my daughter and now the responsibility of my dad. I'm the youngest. They are 12 and 17 years older than me. I am not very emotionally stable and it angers me that people are so inconsiderate. I struggle with anger sometimes. I never show it. I just feel it inside of me. Making me unhappy.  

This is a difficult day. I keep missing my mom. No one makes better cakes than her. I then get upset with myself that I didn't ask her to teach me how to do it myself. She was always very good at consoling me and giving really wise advice when I had disagreements with family members. She always stayed out of it but offered so much emotional support. I miss you, mommy ❤️ help me on this day. Get me through it ❤️

[kayc]

Sara, I want to wish you a Happy Birthday!  Even though your sister changed her mind about coming and your brother lives so far away, I hope you will have a good day with your daughter and your dad.  I hope at some point in the future they will make some effort to keep in touch or visit.  My sisters and I still do, my brother hasn't been too interested, which saddens me but I have to respect his wishes (he is 15 years younger than me).  Us girls used to get together for a Sisters' Reunion once a year, stay at the coast, with our daughters, it was the highlight of our year.  One year during that time my husband went into the hospital...didn't let me know as he "didn't want to ruin my weekend."  A friend of ours called and let me know that night, my sister wouldn't take me to be with him, I was 4 1/2 hours away from home.  Two days later she finally took me to the hospital...he died shortly afterwards.  I had a hard time forgiving her.  I did talk with her about it and she tried to rewrite it, whitewash it, I wouldn't let her...but I did forgive her even though I still don't understand...she has a gambling addiction and I guess addictions do that, they take priority over anything else in life.    Anyway, 3 1/2 months later my birthday rolled around, no one remembered it that year, no one called, no cards, no presents, like I meant nothing, I cried myself to sleep.  It was in sharp contrast to my husband's feelings for me, he always made a big deal of my birthday, that is what I missed, his being there, his caring.  I imagine that's about how you are feeling right now.  Since that time I've had Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. alone many a time, it's hard, but I guess this is my life now.  I hope you get that answer and feel your mom with you now.  (((hugs)))

[Sara7]

Thank you Kayc ❤ I was very nervous about it, but I actually had a nice day. I even did a good job at hosting - which I have never done before without my mom's assistance. My sister sent me a very expensive gift. She must have felt bad. Our relationship has changed. It is still early but I feel it very clearly. It is strange. I hope things get better.

I'm sorry you had that experience. Your husband sounds like an amazing man. I hope I'll find someone one day to make a big deal about my birthday 😊 

You seem like such a lovely woman. Your husband must be proud of you from heaven. I hope your birthdays have been better since then. You deserve that 😊

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Sara7 said:

Your husband must be proud of you from heaven.

That is the sweetest thing to say!  Yes, I know he is, it's how we were with each other.  I was one of the lucky ones, I found pure love and adoration and it was reciprocal! 

I'm so glad your day was nice!  And that your sister did think of you.