My best friend is gone

[breanna13]

Earlier today, my grandma who is my best friend and 2nd parent passed away. Does anyone have advice for when the closest person who you loved the most out of anyone leaves? I don't know if I will ever be that close to anyone else, and the thought of being alone makes me so sad. How do I handle this, because I really don't know how

[MartyT]

Hi Breanna ~ You don't say how old you are, but if this is your first experience with the death of someone you love so dearly, it's no wonder that you're feeling so lost. Your first experience with losing a loved one is like being dropped into a country where you don't know where you are, you have no map to guide you, you don't know the language, and the people around you don't understand you. Grief can leave you feeling crazy, isolated and alone. But you are not crazy, and you're certainly not alone ~ especially since you've managed to find your way here with us. 

I'm a firm believer in learning about what is normal in grief, so you'll have a better idea of what you're going through and why ~ and you'll discover what you might do to better manage your own reactions. It also helps to surround yourself with others whose losses are similar to your own. When you are young, that can be difficult, since many of your peers have no experience with significant loss and haven't got a clue what you may be feeling and thinking. Is there anyone in your family circle who can be there for you in a kind and compassionate way? Someone you know you can trust, who will listen to you without judgment and just sit with you in your pain?

I can point you to some resources that you may find helpful, and at the very least might help you to understand your own reactions. See, for example,

Teen Grief: Grandparent’s Death Triggers Unresolved Grief

Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent

Teen Struggles With Reaction to Dad's Death

If I've misjudged your age group, please forgive me, and let me know. There are dozens of other resources that may be more appropriate for your age and level of development, and I am more than willing to help you connect with them. ♥️

[breanna13]

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

Hi Breanna ~ You don't say how old you are, but if this is your first experience with the death of someone you love so dearly, it's no wonder that you're feeling so lost. Your first experience with losing a loved one is like being dropped into a country where you don't know where you are, you have no map to guide you, you don't know the language, and the people around you don't understand you. Grief can leave you feeling crazy, isolated and alone. But you are not crazy, and you're certainly not alone ~ especially since you've managed to find your way here with us. 

I'm a firm believer in learning about what is normal in grief, so you'll have a better idea of what you're going through and why ~ and you'll discover what you might do to better manage your own reactions. It also helps to surround yourself with others whose losses are similar to your own. When you are young, that can be difficult, since many of your peers have no experience with significant loss and haven't got a clue what you may be feeling and thinking. Is there anyone in your family circle who can be there for you in a kind and compassionate way? Someone you know you can trust, who will listen to you without judgment and just sit with you in your pain?

I can point you to some resources that you may find helpful, and at the very least might help you to understand your own reactions. See, for example,

Teen Grief: Grandparent’s Death Triggers Unresolved Grief

Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent

Teen Struggles With Reaction to Dad's Death

If I've misjudged your age group, please forgive me, and let me know. There are dozens of other resources that may be more appropriate for your age and level of development, and I am more than willing to help you connect with them. ♥️

You're right, I'm young (19) and this is my first significant experience with loss. Thank you for your kind words and the resources. I have been relying a lot on my family for support, but I want advice for times when just feel numb or just can't imagine your life continuing or going on living. I don't know what to do with this feeling and it's making me miserable. Thank you.

[MartyT]

You are so welcome, my dear. If you are willing to take the time to read them, you may find these articles helpful as well ~ and be sure to follow some of the links listed at the base of each: 

Grief: Understanding The Process

Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

[breanna13]

16 minutes ago, MartyT said:

You are so welcome, my dear. If you are willing to take the time to read them, you may find these articles helpful as well ~ and be sure to follow some of the links listed at the base of each: 

Grief: Understanding The Process

Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

I did find them very helpful. Especially "Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent" and "Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief". I feel like the section "Finally, know that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship" in the former is especially helpful. Although this is something I struggle with, I really hope I can live this advice in reality. Do you have any advice for this or any personal experience with this? I was talking to a family friend of mine, and she is helping me through this process as well and helping this part of the article become a real part of my life. Thank you.

[MartyT]

9 hours ago, breanna13 said:

Do you have any advice for this or any personal experience with this?

Like many of our members here, Breanna, I've lived long enough to have endured many personal losses ~ you can read more about mine here: A Message from Marty ~ and I can assure you that I carry each and every one of my loved ones close in my memories and in my heart. As a wise man once said, "No one ever really dies who is remembered with love." Let your love for your grandmother be your comfort now, and know that the eternal beauty of her love will be with you always. ♥️

Here's another article that you might like: Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

[breanna13]

52 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Like many of our members here, Breanna, I've lived long enough to have endured many personal losses ~ you can read more about mine here: A Message from Marty ~ and I can assure you that I carry each and every one of my loved ones close in my memories and in my heart. As a wise man once said, "No one ever really dies who is remembered with love." Let your love for your grandmother be your comfort now, and know that the eternal beauty of her love will be with you always. ♥️

Here's another article that you might like: Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

Thank you so much ♥

[kayc]

I am sorry for your loss...I've suffered losses all my life, the hardest being my husband and my dog, but anyone that is close to us and part of our everyday lives affects us deeply!  I'm glad to see Marty has been helping you and giving you articles.  

[breanna13]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I am sorry for your loss...I've suffered losses all my life, the hardest being my husband and my dog, but anyone that is close to us and part of our everyday lives affects us deeply!  I'm glad to see Marty has been helping you and giving you articles.  

Thank you so much for your kind words. This is definitely affecting me deeply. I'm sorry to hear about your husband and dog, losing someone you see and interact with everyday is so hard. I'm trying to deal with this pain, but it's very difficult.

Thank you for your response 😢

[Bing]

Hi Breanna - I'm a bit on the old side (40s), so I have experienced the loss of all my grandparents and last month my dad. While I learned a lot with their passings (still trying to work through my dad's death), I personally can't guide you on the loss of such an important person at a young age. But, my dad could and he was the most important person in my life. He lost his father and both of his grandparents (all people he was exceptionally close to) when he was around your age, just starting his adult life. He relied on the strength of his mother and his own insight to determine his best path. The loss of his father colored every aspect of his life, but I like to think it also made him exceptionally determined to live honestly and thoughtfully and joyfully. Your life moving forward is the best tribute you can give your grandma. To share her life with those you love (now and in the future), to accomplish things she would be proud of, and even make mistakes that her memory can guide you through. Those of us who have been loved by great people are so incredibly lucky and that kind of good fortune doesn't end when they leave us, it just takes a different form. 

[breanna13]

19 hours ago, Bing said:

Hi Breanna - I'm a bit on the old side (40s), so I have experienced the loss of all my grandparents and last month my dad. While I learned a lot with their passings (still trying to work through my dad's death), I personally can't guide you on the loss of such an important person at a young age. But, my dad could and he was the most important person in my life. He lost his father and both of his grandparents (all people he was exceptionally close to) when he was around your age, just starting his adult life. He relied on the strength of his mother and his own insight to determine his best path. The loss of his father colored every aspect of his life, but I like to think it also made him exceptionally determined to live honestly and thoughtfully and joyfully.

Hi Bing.
Thank you for your message and your kindness. I'm sorry to hear about your father, please take all the time you need to process this. It's really hard to lose someone, especially someone so important. I'm glad he got to have positive experiences in his life; when I think about my grandma's life, I'm glad she got to have so many loving experiences with her family before she left. This post really helped me, especially:

19 hours ago, Bing said:

Your life moving forward is the best tribute you can give your grandma. To share her life with those you love (now and in the future), to accomplish things she would be proud of, and even make mistakes that her memory can guide you through. Those of us who have been loved by great people are so incredibly lucky and that kind of good fortune doesn't end when they leave us, it just takes a different form.

because I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the days since she passed. I'm trying to find some way to keep living on this Earth, but it's hard to even think about her passing and living on Earth when she's not here. Thank you for your comment.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences

[Bing]

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult struggle, Breanna. I wish I could give you some magic phrase that would make it easier, but I haven't found one. What helps for me (at least in the moment) is lots of writing, drawing, and talking with a therapist. For my brother, he's found solace in cycling (something my dad really enjoyed). For my mom, it's cooking one of my dad's favorite meals every Sunday (because she enjoyed cooking for my dad). Your relationship with your grandmother was yours alone and no one else but you can share the impact she had on you and the world. Figuring out how to share her  with others close to you will certainly be a challenge. But, whether you talk about her life or follow in her footsteps or even reach out to a stranger on the Internet who needs help - all of that is a reflection of your love for each other.

[kayc]

@breanna13  I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, I want you to know you're not alone, that is common in early grief.  It's so important to give ourselves time for the process to work and for us to begin to adjust & cope, it takes much time and effort at a time in our lives when we feel we have nothing within us with which to fight or work at it!  But I know it can be done because I have done it....our grief journey is the rest of our lives as we continue to love and miss them, but it evolves, it doesn't stay in the same level of intensity of pain as in the earlier time.
I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful on my grief journey, hoping something sticks out to you today, maybe on down the road something else.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[breanna13]

On 7/23/2020 at 1:41 PM, kayc said:

@breanna13  I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, I want you to know you're not alone, that is common in early grief.  It's so important to give ourselves time for the process to work and for us to begin to adjust & cope, it takes much time and effort at a time in our lives when we feel we have nothing within us with which to fight or work at it!  But I know it can be done because I have done it....our grief journey is the rest of our lives as we continue to love and miss them, but it evolves, it doesn't stay in the same level of intensity of pain as in the earlier time.
I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful on my grief journey, hoping something sticks out to you today, maybe on down the road something else.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thank you very very much for your response and your helpful article. I really will keep these things in mind next time I have suicidal thoughts. Thank you, and I will try to keep coming here. Thank you

[breanna13]

On 7/23/2020 at 8:54 AM, Bing said:

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult struggle, Breanna. I wish I could give you some magic phrase that would make it easier, but I haven't found one. What helps for me (at least in the moment) is lots of writing, drawing, and talking with a therapist. For my brother, he's found solace in cycling (something my dad really enjoyed). For my mom, it's cooking one of my dad's favorite meals every Sunday (because she enjoyed cooking for my dad). Your relationship with your grandmother was yours alone and no one else but you can share the impact she had on you and the world. Figuring out how to share her  with others close to you will certainly be a challenge. But, whether you talk about her life or follow in her footsteps or even reach out to a stranger on the Internet who needs help - all of that is a reflection of your love for each other.

Thank you. I admire your strength, and I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Thank you so much for your advice and kind words. My grandma was a very caring, loving person, so the best I can think of right now is to try to become that myself to share a part of her that I admired. Thank you

[kayc]

12 hours ago, breanna13 said:

the best I can think of right now is to try to become that myself to share a part of her that I admired.

In so doing, we carry on their legacy...what greater way to honor her!  
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/03/finding-meaning-in-your-loss.html
https://hopegroups.org/surviving-grief-through-self-care-self-compassion-self-love-2/

 

[breanna13]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

In so doing, we carry on their legacy...what greater way to honor her!  
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/03/finding-meaning-in-your-loss.html
https://hopegroups.org/surviving-grief-through-self-care-self-compassion-self-love-2/

 

Thank you so much for these links. Please know that talking with the support group here has helped me a lot personally. Thanks

[kayc]

I am so glad!  I've heard that same message from Dr Phil time and again, such as Jon Walsh when he lost his son, starting the missing person organization...we can use what we've learned through our loss, whether it's to live what we learned from them, or doing something as a result of our grief experience.  Make your situation count and thus lend it meaning.