Dealing with loss of mom

[jc1030]

Hello everyone.  It's been quite a while.  I'm not new to this discussion board, but it's been a very very long time since I've posted anything.  I first joined when my father died back in 2006, and I guess as time went on I started living my life again (not because I didn't want to be here).  But now I'm dealing with grief again.

At the end of July my 85-year old mom died after a brief battle with ovarian cancer.  She was diagnosed at the beginning of the year, and by the time they found the cancer it was already too advanced that the doctors decided surgery was not in her best interest.  They had hoped chemo and other treatments would be able to manage it, but in the end it was too much for her body to take.  During this time I was her sole caregiver (with some hired help), and it was painful to watch her deteriorate.  It was my first experience with cancer.  To the best of my knowledge there was no family history of the disease but I guess when you reach a certain age all bets are off.  It was sad to watch how cancer can turn someone who was strong and independent all her life into someone who virtually could not do anything for herself in the end.

The experience has left me sad and exhausted because I have no other family in the area of the US I live in.  All of my relatives are scattered all over North America and overseas and stayed away because of COVID-19.  The caregiving experience also left me a bit resentful because although my relatives live far away some of them couldn't help themselves and lectured me about what I should do.

Despite what people have told me, there are times when I still question myself if I did enough as a caregiver and if I made the right choices.  I still think of the times I got frustrated with my mom even though it wasn't meant to be that way; I know I shouldn't beat myself up but at the moment I can't help it.  

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry that the death of your mom has brought you back to us, but grateful that you're here. Please accept my sincere and heartfelt condolences for your loss. ❤️

The feelings you describe lead me to recommend the following readings, which I hope will speak to you in a helpful way:

Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death

In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your recent loss.  It's common for us to be hard on ourselves afterwards, I hope realizing that helps to know that this is a normal grief response and not because you've done anything deserving of guilt.  That you were her caregiver is commendable and I'm sure she appreciates it.  (Yes, I believe they are still alive in spirit.)

It has to be especially difficult to be the last family member around.  I have kids but they're not where I live and very busy with their lives so I've learned to build a life for myself so as not to depend on them to fulfill me emotionally.  My mom looked to us kids for her complete support for the 33 years after my dad died. It can be a lot of pressure on families who are still working, raising kids, etc. especially when they aren't nearby.  I hope you have friends nearby and they'll welcome you for holidays, etc.

[jc1030]

24 minutes ago, kayc said:

  I hope you have friends nearby and they'll welcome you for holidays, etc.

Hi @kayc, yes fortunately I have friends that I have been meeting up with regularly.  Even my mom's friends periodically contact me to see how I'm doing.  I don't expect them to do it all the time since I realize they have lives of their own, but I hope in the future I can stay in touch with them since they were so thankful for my mom's friendship and tried to help as much as they could during her illness.  It's been so sad that COVID-19 created this perfect storm that I couldn't have family or friends around (her friends would bring food for her but would just drop it off to avoid any physical contact), and I can't even arrange any kind of service for her right now.  Her last wish was to be buried next to her mother, and my grandmother is buried on the west coast.  So for now I am holding onto her ashes until a time I can make the arrangements.

[kayc]

I hope it won't be much longer, can't wait for this pandemic to be over.  It's so hard for those going through grief so isolated.

 

 

[jc1030]

It's been a few months, and it sometimes seems like I am starting to grieve more than I did in the beginning.  I guess from the time I started caregiving to the time she died I was sort of on cruise control.  I'm thinking as I'm going through the estate process (which is slow because so many government offices are way behind due to COVID), it makes me sadder because with each step it's hitting me more and more that she's actually gone.  Also, living in my parents' house can hit me at anytime whenever I see something that is a memory.  I'm getting different opinions from friends and acquittances as to what I should do with the house.  For those who moved back into their parents' homes, some have not really cleared the house of memories; others cleared them right away.  Some friends tell me I should clear it right away and make it my own.  I understand all perspectives.  I think what I will do is to leave everything pretty much as is and when I feel ready I will do it.  Since COVID has kept away a lot of relatives, I want to wait until they have a chance to visit so they can take a look at my mom's belongings and I can give them first choice of what they would like to keep.  I am in absolutely no hurry to do anything.

Periodically I hold onto my mom's ashes; I want to let my mom know that I love her despite the ups and downs we had especially when I was caring for her in the last months of her life.  As a bereavement counselor from the hospice organization told me recently, you can still talk to your loved ones.  Tell them what's going on in your life.  They are there and will listen.  A few weeks ago I went out of town for the weekend, and I let my mom know.  Although I don't remember details, I also recall that she appeared in my dreams once or twice.  Once as she was in her current age, and another with my dad as their younger selves.

There are times I still feel tremendous guilt from my caregiving experience no matter what my friends have told me.  I guess this will be ongoing and eventually I won't be replaying what I remembered as much as the years go by.  I realize that everything is still very raw.  Even though the doctors told me from the beginning that she was not going to be cured, you always want to think there might of been some way that your loved one could've pulled through.

Jeff

[MartyT]

It looks to me as if you're making very wise decisions based on sound reasoning, Jeff. Good for you.

Feeling as if your grief is more intense at this point is not unusual, since it takes some time for the enormity of such a loss to become real. If it happened all at once, it would be too much for you to take in and absorb. Think of it as nature's way of cushioning the blow, as you need time to adjust to this new reality and all the changes it brings into your life. See, for example, In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?  

It's also wise to wait a while before "clearing the house of memories." See  In Grief: Sifting and Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings ♥️

[kayc]

19 hours ago, jc1030 said:

I think what I will do is to leave everything pretty much as is and when I feel ready I will do it.

Sounds wise to me; we all handle our grief differently, so it's important to listen to your own gut.  I really miss my parents' house, we had to sell it before my mom died to pay for her dementia care, it took almost every cent to pay her debts.  I miss going in there and seeing things from my childhood, a world of memories.  She lived there for 59 years.

I do think as caregivers people get double whammied, so to speak, I went through that with my dear sweet MIL, she was my mom by choice and my best friend, I took care of her for three years so felt such a loss when she died.  I'd have given anything for a group such as this when going through it, alas no internet in those days.

19 hours ago, jc1030 said:

Even though the doctors told me from the beginning that she was not going to be cured, you always want to think there might of been some way that your loved one could've pulled through.

Death brings a finality that is hard hitting, even when we know ahead of time they are terminal.  I'm glad you're self-aware.  It's good you have her ashes to embrace, I have nothing of my mom's, my brother was in charge, everything we requested was ignored.  He didn't even invite us to scatter the ashes and I don't know where he did it except "at the coast" which is pretty broad, it'd be nice to know the spot and visit it.

I think you are wise to give yourself the time needed, so easy to have grief fog in the early time.

[jc1030]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Death brings a finality that is hard hitting, even when we know ahead of time they are terminal.  I'm glad you're self-aware.  It's good you have her ashes to embrace, I have nothing of my mom's, my brother was in charge, everything we requested was ignored.  He didn't even invite us to scatter the ashes and I don't know where he did it except "at the coast" which is pretty broad, it'd be nice to know the spot and visit it.

I think you are wise to give yourself the time needed, so easy to have grief fog in the early time.

That's terrible.  I always think to myself what if I had a sibling or two, but at the same time I have to remind myself that having siblings doesn't guarantee that you will always get along with them.  I'm the only one of my generation in the family that grew up an only child.

[jc1030]

Today I visited my dad's gravesite.  First time since the beginning of the year before lockdowns occurred when I went and asked him to please help my mom when she was first diagnosed.  I sat there for a short while.  It was a sunny and warm day.  A lot of Canada geese were roaming around the cemetery and they were quite entertaining.  I talked to him, and I'm sure he knew by now that my mom was up there as well.  I did tell him that she wants to be buried next to her mother on the west coast and not with him.  When I told friends about this arrangement, I had to explain that in life my parents' relationship was not very good at the end mainly because of my dad's mental issues.  So eventually I will take my mom's ashes to her burial plot next to (or very near) my grandmother's, and what I will do is make future arrangements for when I go to have my remains buried next to my dad so I can "keep him company" when the time comes.

In my conversations with him today, I admitted for the first time that I'm a little scared of the future without either of them there.  I have to think this is natural; to be without your security blankets for the first time.  I knew this would someday happen but it is still scary nevertheless.  Since I have no family of my own, and no relatives in the area, what am I going to do?  I suppose the pandemic and being semi-cut off from people has added to the anxieties.  Hopefully I will eventually figure these things out.

[kayc]

Actually I get along fine with my brother, I wish I saw more of him, he just doesn't see the need for us girls in his live (five girls, he was the youngest), perhaps because we'd left home long before he was grown.  But I love him and his traits/qualities.  I just don't think it occurred to him to consider us.  I thank God for the closeness I have with my sisters.

It's kind of hard hitting having that baton passed to us as the family historians, etc, no parent to count on or consult, we realize we are on our own now.

 

[jc1030]

Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving without my mom.  I just stayed home and had a quiet day, although I did go ahead and prepare a Thanksgiving meal that I've been doing for years.  The day before one of my mom's friends did call me and asked if I was interested and maybe coming over to her place, and I politely declined.  This year I'm just going to treat the holiday season like regular days.  When I prepared the food I put them next to my mom's ashes and lit up a candle and some incense.  I don't know if this is the proper thing to do according to any kind of Chinese religion, but this is my way to pay respect and I hope whatever deities are up there will forgive me for whatever I might have done wrong in their eyes.

Hopefully by next year I will be ok and will once again celebrate the time of year.  One relative texted me and said that maybe next year (assuming we've started returning to some semblance of normalcy from the COVID bs) they will come to the area to visit.  Her husband's side of the family lives in my area.   In the meantime I may go to a shopping center on this Black Friday.  Not to buy anything but to be able to be around other live humans as being home by myself and only seeing people through zoom/webex meetings is most definitely wearing thin.

[kayc]

I can't imagine what you did as "wrong" in anyone's eyes!  And your food looks wonderful!  (((hugs)))

[jc1030]

As we're approaching the finish line to 2020, I'm a bit conflicted.  On the one hand like everyone else I can't wait for this year to end, and yet at the same time I don't because it's the last year that my mother was still alive.  Also, for now I'm not really looking forward to 2021 as I'm still in the midst of the estate process.  Right now it's nothing but waiting for bureaucracies to do their part, completing paperwork, and more things to do; everything taking longer than usual because of COVID.  Part of me is apprehensive about this process especially when it means removing my mom's name from items; it just makes me sad even though I know legally it has to be done.

On Christmas Eve I did go to a friend's house for a small get together.  Having this interaction helps me from feeling more moody than I already am.  An uncle (my mom's younger brother) recently called me to give me holiday wishes realizing I'm all alone this year.  He also showed me a small setup he has in his home with a picture of my mom and where he lights incense every day to pay his respects to her.  I've also had continued communication with some cousins.  One cousin (whose dad is the uncle that called me) asked me to send some old photos of me with my mom because her daughter was making a photo slideshow of my mom for her grandpa.  Looking at the old family photos so soon was really really hard and I made it clear to her.  I felt it was too soon for me to look through half a century of memories.

Throughout this time I never realized as an introvert how much I needed some actual human interaction.  A friend of mine recently told me, and it made sense, that when things were normal pre-pandemic, someone like me didn't have an issue because we at least had the choice to be more solitary knowing that I could always go somewhere full of people, have my fill of human interaction and then go home.  Now that for the most part we don't have much of a choice but to self-isolate or to be locked down this is where the anxieties come from.

For everyone else, I wish you a happy and healthy new year.  I'm sure in time I'll eventually catch up with the rest of you.

[kayc]

22 hours ago, jc1030 said:

On the one hand like everyone else I can't wait for this year to end, and yet at the same time I don't because it's the last year that my mother was still alive. 

I remember that feeling well when my husband died...it hit me hard that "he didn't live in this year."  That adjustment can be rough.  Just realize that both feelings are valid and with merit.  Give place to both of them.

I absolutely understand your feeling it is "too soon" to go through pictures.  We must do whatever provides us comfort, and that can change from time to time.

Thinking of you as you go through New Year's Day...

[jc1030]

Hello friends, it's been a few months since I last posted anything.  As the weather is getting warmer my mood is lifting a little bit and I look forward to doing more activities outside of the home.  The estate process is still going on, slow as molasses.  Of course governments can always use COVID as the reason things haven't gotten done whereas we regular people can't especially when you owe some taxes in which case the government expects you to pay it on time no excuses.  Typical.

Last week I actually completed a six-week support group organized by the local hospice organization.  About two months ago, I actually began to experience some tremendous sadness.  It was a combination of the stress of the estate process, other things happening, and then there was a weekend where the weather was super dreary and that's what triggered the sadness.  So I signed up with the support group and I have to say it was very helpful.  Of course it was all online this time, but I got to speak with and listen to others who also went through loss the past year.  It was cathartic to talk about what I went through and how I felt about the experience, and to realize that I am not alone.  Some in the group lost both of their parents last year.  Two participants dropped out in the first two weeks as it was too much for them.  Two of the participants were in their 20s and I felt so bad for them that they lost a parent so soon.  In the end one of the participants actually commended me for joining as I was the only guy.  Makes sense since most guys usually don't like to open up.  When the final session was over I was actually sad.

As the year moves forward I'm thinking of things I'd like to do with my parents' house.  I'll probably just tweak a few things but otherwise not much inside will change.  Since it's just me it's not like I need to change it for anyone else.  Hopefully I will begin to make the home welcoming to my friends like the way my mom made it for hers for so long.

Jeff

[kayc]

I commend you because you are doing what you can!  Good for you for the support group.  I understand it is kind of hard when they come to an end, esp. as you were getting something out of it.  I lost my dad when I was in my 20s, back then no internet, let alone support groups.

I love how you're taking what you learned from your mom, going forward, she'd like that, as a mom, I'm sure!

[jc1030]

A few days ago was the one-year mark.  To be honest I can't say things have really gotten better yet.  I suppose the ongoing estate process is partly the reason I'm feeling this way, and of course the reality of both parents gone is the other.  I'm not only thinking and reliving the nightmare that was the last months of my mother's life but also thinking of the memories in the house.  This past week I was also dealing with my own medical treatments which added to the stress.

Once in a while my mom's friends get in touch with me to see how I'm doing.  Again I don't expect them to do it all the time since they have their own lives, but I hope I won't lose any contact with them.  This past week I actually got calls from an aunt and uncle (two of my mom's younger siblings).  They realize how hard it is for me to be by myself and dealing with all the legal estate issues alone and that they can only do so much since they're all getting up there in age.  The one thing my uncle hopes I can do is maybe sometime next year I can visit California to finally bury my mom's ashes assuming things will no longer be insane out there with their COVID restrictions.  We'll see.  Also to be honest I'm still kind of ambivalent when it comes to my older relatives.

A somewhat bright spot, at the beginning of June I actually "reunited" (virtually of course) with the members of the support group I was part of.  When the six-week support group ended we told the organizers we'd like each other's emails so we can stay in touch so that's how we were able to organize this.  I was actually really happy to see them, and really sad when the meeting ended.  One of the members had a zoom account, and the meeting was short since it's a free account but we had quick updates on what's been going with ourselves on since our support group ended.  I think we may have another reunion in the near future.

About a month ago I finally invited my friends to the house for the first time.  It was somewhat rushed because one friend was about to move out west.  I gave them the tour.  This is a start to hopefully more visits from many people whether it's friends or when any of my relatives would like to finally decide they'd like to visit.

[kayc]

I'm glad you have people who care and are supportive, so important!  Also that you had your reunion/zoom.

I hope the memories sustain you even though this is a hard path. 

[jc1030]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm glad you have people who care and are supportive, so important!  Also that you had your reunion/zoom.

I hope the memories sustain you even though this is a hard path. 

I sincerely hope so with the people around me.  I also talk to my longtime watercolor painting teacher on occasion.  Eventually I will start painting again and maybe I will get together with her and that social circle for other functions.

There's one member of the support group that is sort of in a similar position like me, although in her case she's much younger and she lost both parents last year.  On top of that her family situation is complicated and a bit of a mess and she doesn't get along with her siblings.  After her mom died (her father died first), her siblings had a party without her which aggravated her (she's lives in this area while the rest of the family are down south).  She mentioned before the end her mom sensed that this would happen with the family dynamics and in their conversations encouraged her to be strong and do her own thing.  I think she mentioned both her parents were pastors so they were probably good in giving this kind of guidance. 

Fortunately I don't have this severe situation, but it's still a little hard to not have close family nearby; maybe I'm still resentful about not having any family helping me with the caregiving all because of the stupid virus.  It just tells me I have to make sure to look out for myself even more.

[kayc]

It does sound like she had a wise and caring mom.  I'm glad you have a support group and someone to relate to, age doesn't matter, it's just a number, it's relating to each other that really helps.    Thanks for the update!

 

[jc1030]

As 2021 winds down, I'm looking back at how things have gone with the first full year without my mom.  I'd have to say I had my good days but I still have more not so good days.  I guess the ongoing estate process is one of the reasons why I still feel sad especially when I have to deal with additional out of state issues.  Just more time.  Living back at home is still strange.  When I wake up I want to think I will wake up to the sound of my parents and that I've awakened from the nightmare of the past two years but then real life and reality sets in and I realize that won't be the case.  This year I'm still not really in the full holiday spirit as much as I love traveling around the area to see all of the Christmas decorations in the different neighborhoods.  Hopefully next year will incrementally be a little better.

However there are a few signs where things are little better.  This past Thanksgiving I did go to an actual in-person get-together as my cousin came up to the area with her family to visit her in-laws and I was invited.  I prepared my roast duck which she so looked forward to, and she took all of the leftovers because she enjoyed it so much!!!  It was also nice to see her mother-in-law who is 96.  Even though she's much slower and suffering from dementia you could still at least have a conversation with her.  Also, her in-laws recently got some hired help and brought in the same lady that helped with my mom so she can assist her in bathing and do some housecleaning.

The second big change this year was I finally picked up a brush for the first time in two years to do some watercolor painting again.  A few friends encouraged me to resume painting again in order to channel my energy and grief.  So I started really simple and began in time to create my Christmas card design which I have attached and hope you all will enjoy.  I only made a few more but otherwise I decided it will be presented to my friends as virtual as many things seem to be in this modern day and age.  As one of my friends said he was glad to see the inner snowman emerge from me.  Maybe it is and I don't realize it that a part of me wants to continue to resume life again and return to as close the way things were as humanly possible.

So I wish everyone a safe and peaceful Christmas/Holiday time, and can only hope that next year will get a little better.

Jeff

[kayc]

That is beautiful!  I love it!  You could sell the print for cards!  I always loved art/creativity, it's one thing I miss with my multiple hand injuries...

[jc1030]

On 12/19/2021 at 9:01 AM, kayc said:

That is beautiful!  I love it!  You could sell the print for cards!  I always loved art/creativity, it's one thing I miss with my multiple hand injuries...

Yeah I look forward to painting more and hopefully start exhibiting once again in the local art shows.  I've been thinking for a long time about maybe selling things on Etsy, or I'll just have more items to sell in the local shows.  I was taking photos of the area back in the beginning of 2020 to get some painting ideas, but of course little did I know at the time my world would be completely turned upside down and still trying to recover to this day.

The few cards I made of the snowman I made sure to send one to my longtime art teacher.  She called me after receiving it and we had a good conversation as I hadn't spoken to her in a few months.  She updated me on her life as she and her husband are getting older they are planning to move to a senior living center in the area because the place they have lived in for over 20 years does not have elevators.  She doesn't know when she will resume her weekend art classes again and said once I start painting again I can email her a picture of my work so she can review it and let me know what I can do to improve it.  She's definitely encouraging me to not only paint but to start living life again.

[kayc]

That is so neat that you kept in touch with her!