Death, Loss, & Long Distance

[LMH]

Just at the start of COVID my long term (2.5 years) boyfriend lost his father unexpectedly. That same week he was furloughed, and moved out of state temporarily to handle family affairs.

During this time I spent many weeks with him, working remotely, to support anyway I could. In all honesty, I was grateful for the time I could spend with him since my normal job wouldn’t have allowed for that kind of time away from the office. 
 

Two months ago he accepted a new job even further away, out of fear of not being brought back on to his company. As painful as it felt, I wholeheartedly supported his decision, hosted a farewell dinner (which he requested), helped him pack and drove cross country with him to settle in.
 

Fast forward to this past weekend & he’s telling me he wants to break up. Says that he knows he’s neglecting me and that he can’t promise our future together anymore and is basically losing it over his work, and juggling it all. I’m destroyed. He ultimately said that he would like to just get some space, though we couldn’t be further apart as it is. He suggested no contact this week & reconvene Friday, by phone. I was literally just with him three days before this sudden shift for Labor Day weekend. 
 

What do I do? He’s the love of my life- and to make matters even more complicated, my two daughters have now witnessed me crying, etc. I’m literally just holding it together- I missed him like hell as it was and now it’s been going on 3 days with zero contact. I’m afraid he’s isolating himself and won’t ever come back. All the threads are so very similar to this but I can’t let him go.  

[kayc]

22 hours ago, LMH said:

What do I do?

I am sorry you are in this situation, been there, done that!  It's very painful, I know.  There is nothing you CAN do except respect his wishes.  This is due to grief and in no way anything you did/didn't do so I hope you try not to personalize and rethink things overly, going over them and over them in your mind (as I can tend to do).  You cannot force him to be with you so you have no choice but to let him go.  Remember the story about setting a bird free and if they come back, fine, and if not, it was meant to be.  I know this is not what you want to here but there really is no abracadabra 1-2-3 to make him come around, honestly your best move IS to grant him his requested space, realizing it is a possibility he will not return to you.  I shed many tears for about four months when I went through it, in our case we were engaged for a year, spent our weekends together, talked every day, I was blindsided, not even a "breakup conversation" as he did it by Fed Ex to my office!  I did not even get privacy when I got the news, was asked to leave work as I cried.  It was humiliating on top of heart wrenching.  It's been ten years, it did take a while to heal but I find given some time and space we get more clarity and I eventually realized I did not want to be with a partner who would throw me overboard like that, but rather someone who would go through life with me, through thick and thin.  I honestly have not looked for anyone in the years since, although I would be open to the right one, I'm not into online dating, etc. and haven't met anyone locally.  I've gotten used to being alone, it can get old after years, but it's not the worst thing either, being with the wrong one seems to me the worst thing.  Fast forward following our no contact period of a few months, we are friends, we care about each other, but that's it.  It's as if we were never anything more, and that's okay too.  He hasn't dated since either but his XW lives with him as she was going to be homeless, it's clear that although they are not a "couple" they are "family."  Now she calls me too although I don't consider her a friend per sae, life is strange.

Let yourself cry the tears, go through the grieving you have right now over your relationship, and try to spend time with friends/family as you are able in these times.

I know you say you can't lose him but you already have, try to give yourself the gift of respect and honoring you need by not desperately going after him.  You are not desperate, you are heartbroken, there is a difference.

[LMH]

Thanks for responding to my post- and sorry you had to go through a similar situation. I stumbled across this forum for honest feedback from people whom have dealt with this type of sceanrio- all the other websites are really about “Implementing no contact, getting your man/gf back, etc” and not based on loss.