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I miss my grandmother, but she is in the next room.


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Only child, both parents deceased (bio at 41, mom at 54) no significant other, no children, grandparents and mom raised me. Alzheimer's with grandfather (Poppy) for over ten years. Passed 5 years ago. Grandmother (Nanny) dementia almost two years now. In 2005, gave up everything to move to another part of the state (FL) to live with and help Nan with Pop. No regrets. Moved Nan back home when Pop passed. Poppy was a gentle man. The Alzheimer's did not change him. Nan wore the pants in the family. I grew up with a strong, independent, and kind role model. Now, she can be cruel, vindictive, obstinate, often infantile and depressed, but once in awhile I get parts of her shinning through. I have zero help from her only living son, lives in CT, who has been a union electrician for over 45 years. His idea of help for his parents was to let Nan know if she died before Pop, Pop would be brought to CT and put in a home regardless of Nan's wishes. We changed POA the same week from Uncle to me. Now with Nan, same situation, only her dementia came on so suddenly that Uncle still has control over her medically and financially. My grandmother gets pittance in social security, so no trouble there. I pay for everything on a teacher's salary. Nan paid for everything when I was a kid. I worry Uncle may try to take Nan from me if she gets worse. She hides it from him, mostly, on the phone. He never visits, so we are safe so far. Nans had three minor strokes. The doctor thinks she may have had more, but we can't have exrays because of her pacemaker. After first stroke, Uncle said to put her in a home and get on with my life. Not surprisingly, because he told me I was a fool to give up my life to help my grandmother with Pop. Yet, when Nan saves over $500 in her account, which takes months, she has me write a check to her son for $500. Uncle makes in the high six figures, Aunt has a thriving small business, and they have several rental properties. Uncle has never sent a dime to help Nan with Pop, or Me with Nan. He can keep his money, as long as I can keep my grandmother. I have no support system, no friends (who has time?), and no downtime. I haven't been to a doctor, walk in clinics when I'm sick, in almost 15 years. Between working, caring for Poppy, then Nanny, there was never enough time for myself.  Wow, I just read this over, I sound like a whining B. I have never told anyone all this in one mouthful before, and I've left out so much. My original goal was to say how much I miss and mourn my grandmother, even though she lives with me. Have I finally gone down the rabbit hole. Thank you to whoever had the time and/or patience to read this soliloquy. 

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I just finished reading your story and just want you to know how sorry I am to read you are having to go through this with your dear grandmother.  I joined this Grief Forum after I lost my husband in 2015.  I think you have taken the first step to find others who have walked a similar path you are on.  I lost my Mother to dementia 20 years ago so can understand some of your feelings.  You sound to be doing what is right for you in spite of no help from others.  You have to live with yourself and are following your heart.  When your real grandmother shines through, enjoy those moments as much as you can.  My heart goes out to you.  Dee

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I am so glad you found us!  It helps to get it all out and know you're heard.  You do NOT sound like a whining B to me!  You sound like a loving, caring, giving person who truly cares about her grandparents, at the sacrifice of yourself.  Do not be afraid to invest a bit of time in you.  It's easy to get swallowed up in caregiving, been there!  You could likely get some help through Senior and Disabled Services.  My mom had dementia too, she needed 24/7 care which none of us could do, we all live in different parts of the state and half of us were still working full time, the other two disabled themselves.  We had to sell her house to pay for the dementia care center, but I'm glad we did, they took good care of her and two of us visited regularly.  I hadn't realized how much stress I was under until I felt the relief once she was there.  

There could also be services available to help you with her care.  I hope you'll look into it.  I applaud your dedication to her!  I would not want her to go to uncle either!
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/09/caregiving-in-serious-illness-suggested.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/05/voices-of-experience-how-to-survive.html

I'm truly sorry for your grandmother's plight and the situation you're trying to get through.:wub:

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