Break up Memory loss

[BaxterBurg]

Hi everyone, 

I'm not sure if this applies to grief, but I was curious on if anyone has some explanations or solutions if it does. 

In short, I went through a breakup that I saw coming for a month as her grandfather's health began to decline (among other things). This was probably the worst month of my life, for a few reasons, and its still going, and my memory began to deteriorate to the point where I wasn't remembering what day it was, and I was forgetting my key in the door. When she would ask what I did during the day I couldn't even remember what happened either. The day she broke things off was a complete shock regardless but I also can't remember what was really said--at one point I even forgot if we actually broke up or not. 

Since then my memory hasn't really bounced back and it's been over a month, but I've only started really grieving recently since starting no contact. I still find myself not being able to remember what day it is; and one of my favorite hobbies--reading--is being affected. It also seems I can't even recall memories we shared of the relationship. Seems like giant blur sometimes. 

Is this common for grief or is it something else? Is there anything I can do? 

Thanks. 

 

[kayc]

Commonly called grief fog, grief brain, widow's brain, it's common in grief.  Clarity returns for the most part with most people, I would say in this situation it will once you've adjusted more.  

https://refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
https://www.widow411.com/3-critical-steps-manage-widows-brain/

In addition, you might find this helpful:
https://www.affordablecollegesonline.org/college-resource-center/managing-grief/

[BaxterBurg]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Commonly called grief fog, grief brain, widow's brain, it's common in grief.  Clarity returns for the most part with most people, I would say in this situation it will once you've adjusted more.  

https://refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
https://www.widow411.com/3-critical-steps-manage-widows-brain/

In addition, you might find this helpful:
https://www.affordablecollegesonline.org/college-resource-center/managing-grief/

Thanks, Kayc. 

[MartyT]

See also Coping with "Brain Fog" in Grief: Suggested Resources ❤️

[BaxterBurg]

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

See also Coping with "Brain Fog" in Grief: Suggested Resources ❤️

Thanks, Marty.

[kayc]

When George died, I was working for a place that made Military airplane parts to Mil Spec.  I was Office Mgr, Bookkeeper, Assisted Supervisors in performance appraisals, and quality control by maintaining records of all certifications of anything going in and out.  In addition, I was Safety Manager.  My job was very crucial and had to be PERFECT.  I also did shipping and receiving.

I had never asked for help before but I did now, I asked my boss to check my work for a while.  I knew my brain was stressed and not working as usual.  He agreed to and it helped.  Sometimes I had meltdowns at work, had to run to the bathroom for a good cry, fortunately my office was right next to it.  He had someone speak to the employees about grief/loss and what to expect when I came back to work.  Everyone there was so supportive!  I had the most wonderful boss in the world, he truly got how to treat/deal with employees and keep them operating at optimal best.  Not that we never had to fire anyone, we did, but we tried to build the best employees we could and value them.

Unfortunately, it was the beginning of the recession and our business, like so many others (end of Bush adm.) did not survive.  I soon found myself looking for work and having to commute 100 miles/day with another employer that did not understand anything.  Made retiring easy when the time came!

I would say, tell key people what you are going through...trying to maintain professionalism and not sharing over information was key to me at work but it is also important to let people know what is going on, they are often more understanding than we'd realize otherwise.  They can't deal with what they don't know.  It's good to realize that everyone experiences down times in their lives.  If you're concerned about your grades dropping or flunking tests, try talking to the teacher about you are going through grief and brain fog right now, perhaps scheduling make ups and if nothing else, appealing to them.  Will help with some, not with others, worth a try.

 

[BaxterBurg]

On 1/4/2021 at 8:05 AM, kayc said:

When George died, I was working for a place that made Military airplane parts to Mil Spec.  I was Office Mgr, Bookkeeper, Assisted Supervisors in performance appraisals, and quality control by maintaining records of all certifications of anything going in and out.  In addition, I was Safety Manager.  My job was very crucial and had to be PERFECT.  I also did shipping and receiving.

I had never asked for help before but I did now, I asked my boss to check my work for a while.  I knew my brain was stressed and not working as usual.  He agreed to and it helped.  Sometimes I had meltdowns at work, had to run to the bathroom for a good cry, fortunately my office was right next to it.  He had someone speak to the employees about grief/loss and what to expect when I came back to work.  Everyone there was so supportive!  I had the most wonderful boss in the world, he truly got how to treat/deal with employees and keep them operating at optimal best.  Not that we never had to fire anyone, we did, but we tried to build the best employees we could and value them.

Unfortunately, it was the beginning of the recession and our business, like so many others (end of Bush adm.) did not survive.  I soon found myself looking for work and having to commute 100 miles/day with another employer that did not understand anything.  Made retiring easy when the time came!

I would say, tell key people what you are going through...trying to maintain professionalism and not sharing over information was key to me at work but it is also important to let people know what is going on, they are often more understanding than we'd realize otherwise.  They can't deal with what they don't know.  It's good to realize that everyone experiences down times in their lives.  If you're concerned about your grades dropping or flunking tests, try talking to the teacher about you are going through grief and brain fog right now, perhaps scheduling make ups and if nothing else, appealing to them.  Will help with some, not with others, worth a try.

 

Thanks for the story KayC, you always have so many and I keep reading them in other posts. You have much to teach! What an excellent boss, and after reading this forum so much, I hope I can be as understanding and supportive as he was including in my future relationships.

I actually agree with what you have said here, I find that as long as you're a good person yourself, others are always willing to help. Even strangers are happy to offer an ear, or some life experience. I always make sure to ask everyone for life advise/experience, and they are always more than happy to provide it. It's like I'm geting a cheat sheet. That's why I like reading so much of the stuff posted here as well. Sorry to hear about your other job though; a bad job and being stuck commuting is awful, I know how bad those can affect your quality of life. I'm glad you got out, I'm waiting for the day that my mom can leave that behind her, its terribly stressful.

Many of my profs were able to give me some breathing room last semester; my ex was actually the one who was hesitent about asking for any help. I had to say "do it for me" for her to actually do it while she was greiving her grandfather and trying to fill a role for her family. It still makes me upst thinking of what she hd to go through... She got a two week extension and still could barely finish it in time. She ended up thanking me later because she wouldn't have done it otherwise.

Take care,

-BB

[kayc]

I so glad to hear it!  So glad you are willing to seek the extended hand when needed, so important to know when you need it!  I still find it hard to ask for help but have to at times.  VERY hard for me!  I prefer to remain self-sufficient & independent!  But I'm getting older and with that comes some infirmities in life. 

I think you'll go far, I see your attitude, that's the most important and deciding factor!  I wish your mom well also!