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Going through the motions


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Each day waking up, is the same as yesterday, maybe with a few variations, but each day missing my wife/missing my life, when Nancy left this world, so did I, at least the part of me that knew how to live, that part of me that experienced and felt all that life had to offer, and for better or worse, it was tolerable, as the one person standing with me, my life's partner Nancy made it tolerable, even the worst of times there was hope, believed in dreams maybe one day coming true, even in sadness we had joy, as long as we were together, we were unstoppable, and we both believed in that with everything that we were, two souls with a force of one. Doctors tell me Jim you were someone once before meeting your wife, my answer is Doc I may have been existing, but I guarantee you I surely wasn't living, Nancy opened the world to me, as if I were looking at it through her eyes, she made me the man that I am today, the one thing she didn't show me was how to live without her, and I am happy she didn't try, it surely would have failed, so now here I am, waking up only to wait till I fall asleep again, as in my dreams she is there, here with me, in my waking state there is nothing there, only memories, but even those cannot fix a wounded soul, loving Nancy for 26 years is an equivalent of a lifetime, and for that I am grateful to the creator. Everyday now is just a series of blankness, really having no thoughts, as nothing really matters anymore, there isn't anything that can happen to me now that can faze me, except maybe death, but even that would be welcomed, if a person is not living life, but merely going through the motions, is that anyway to live, I think not!!!!

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Jim, your feelings are shared by me, for the most part. I still have anxiety and fear about the future. I have nothing to look forward to, ultimately. I have friends that I text and DM, but other than my immediate family, I have no human contact. It just kills my soul to know that I will never feel touch and real tenderness and love again. 

I have a friend here that wants to go out and do something, but I don't know if I can even act normal around his perfect family. I don't have a personality anymore. Everything good about me was because of Annette. Doing something fun and interesting means nothing without being able to tell her, to share it with her even though she wasn't able to experience it. Amazing how one person can mean so much to me, to where all I wonder about is what she's doing- what her spirit is up to.

I long to have someone in my life again that I could love, just because I miss it so much. I feel like a ghost- just existing. They could never be Annette, but with so many lonely people in the world, why do people have to be alone?

I can't tell you how hard it is to be in the exact same situation I was in before I met Annette. Living with my Mom and brother, isolated. Its like my life with Annette was a dream, like it wasn't real. And I'm not young anymore, with all the possibilities that entailed. I certainly miss my life.

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3 hours ago, nashreed said:

Doing something fun and interesting means nothing without being able to tell her, to share it with her even though she wasn't able to experience it.

I long to have someone in my life again that I could love, just because I miss it so much. I feel like a ghost- just existing. They could never be Annette, but with so many lonely people in the world, why do people have to be alone?

Oh man, can I relate to not doing things because they hold no interest without Steve.  Even solo ventures.  I’d be wanting to tell him about them like he did his.  Yet, I wish I felt the desire to do them.  Get me outside of this isolation.  I’m furious I am limited physically.  It’s a good excuse I don’t want.  I know I’d feel better if I could spend some time with others I’ve recently met.  It’s a weird paradox.  I do and don’t want to be involved in life.  If I didn’t face intense medical intervention to do so, I know I’d be out there.  The hitch is these people aren’t as motivating to my heart as he was.  I’d take the risks of surgery to be with him.  I also wouldn’t be alone for weeks to months of recovery.   
 

I don’t know if I want someone else to love.  I never thought about that until it started coming up here.  I had also gotten my routine established living without him.  Filled in gaps here and there with volunteering, the dogs, seeing people now and then.  It was as close to content as I could get.  Then those were pulled out from under me.  So the day is just a mindless routine now.  When it gets jostled it creates anxiety.  I want to enjoy something again..  that I do know.

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Without Nancy being here to experience seeing new things together, I'm finding it difficult to have any feelings when doing anything at all, and finding someone else would totally be unfair to that person only because I could see me comparing to a fault, and that wouldn't be right, and besides loving Nancy for the 26 years together was more than equivalent to a lifetime, my only joy and purpose at this time are the projects I am putting together in her honor, are having a DVD put together of her life set to music with a short introduction by me, will be giving to family and friends, are finding it getting more and more difficult to find anyone to listen to my story as most everyone has moved on, is no longer a story of interest to them, they lost a friend and sister, but losing Nancy to me, meant losing my life, so was easy for them to just move on past it, out of sight, out of mind, and that's okay for them, they didn't love her the same way I do, and yeah that's okay for them, so at least I still have myself to talk to, and Nancy, I prefer to be alone, saves me the aggravation of having to explain myself to them, as I carry a picture of her around my neck anytime outside, I have her picture taped to my car visor, and no matter where I go, are always in conversation with her, as this is what is keeping me breathing, anyways best wishes to all of you 

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It's true, life experiences are NOT as enjoyable without someone to share in them with!  I have not been camping since George died, not nearly as many hikes or drives as I would have.  Even my hobby has gone by the wayside, collecting dust.  It's like I'm missing that impetus to truly enjoy life...alone.  I DO fully enjoy my puppy!  He keeps me going.  And I must want to live or I wouldn't put so much effort into trying to be the healthiest version of myself I can be.  But it took me 13 1/2 years to get there, although I made stabs at it now and then along the way.  NOW I research everything and try to learn about everything to do with my health and what I put into my body.  But much of my desire to live is for Kodie.  I do not want him to be re-homed and he can live potentially 16 years.  I think my son was deliberate in his actions when he selected him!  He KNEW how much I needed this little guy!  And that was before we knew Covid and its social isolation would hit!

16 hours ago, JimJim said:

I have her picture taped to my car visor, and no matter where I go, are always in conversation with her, as this is what is keeping me breathing

I get it.  I have George's pictures up, his special things around, still hold his robe when I need it, and carry his driver's license and picture in my wallet.  I've heard it's illegal to have someone's driver's license...I DARE any cop to try to take it from me!  They needn't worry about me using it as it's way expired, he looks the polar opposite from me, and I'm almost half the size he was. ;)

 

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I did have an officer ask me what I was doing with Nancy's drivers license around my neck, I told him why, and he just left it at that, you would have to shoot me before I would part with them!! The only way for me to sleep at night is to take meds and I also have to put into bed with me are some articles of clothing, even just the remote scent of her brings me some comfort, not enough, but some, I made a promise to Nancy in the hospital that I would never let go, would carry her to my last human breath, and that afterwards my issue will be solved as we will be together again under the love of the Creator, how I long for that day as only then will I be HOME again. 

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

He KNEW how much I needed this little guy!  And that was before we knew Covid and its social isolation would hit!

I don’t know how I would have made it thru this without Melody.  I wish Ally had been with me too for how lonely it got and still is.  You are doing more than me as far as taking care of yourself.  I do what meds I can tolerate, but eating has become very bad at times.  I know I’m paying for it as home cooking was so much healthier.  I only take vitamin D for living up here.  
 

I read a disturbing article this morning that many people were returning pets they adopted during lockdown now that they may go back to work.  I know it will create a challenge leaving them sooner during the day, but they should have planned for that and maybe start leaving them for a few hours at a time to see how they do.  I just cannot fathom taking in a trusting pet and basically using it.  These aren’t cars or dogs that are behavior problem animals.  What’s worse is many people are taking them to shelters, not rescues, that have kill policies.  The more I think about it, the angrier I get.  How very selfish and cold.  

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Funny and sad story, Nancy and I were returning home from work one evening, and there these kids in front of our complex, and they were playing with this cat, ya know how kids play with things, they were like holding this cat by the front and back legs, so we asked them to be a little more gentle, they then replied it's not our cat, and we don't know who it belongs to, apparently these downstairs tenants moved away and left the cat on it's own, how horrible is this, why would a decent person just abandon a pet, so Nancy tells me Jim lets take the cat upstairs and tomorrow we can take it to the dumb friends league, well once upstairs we gave it a bowl of food and water, this kitty being afraid of everything, well it took off behind the waterbed and stayed there for two days before coming out of hiding, it apparently got hungry enough, so by now, taking this kitty anywhere was out of the question, and thus became our very first cat, we already had a Cocker Spaniel and the two of them became the best of friends, gave her the name of Gracie-Nancy's idea lol, only to find out after a cpl of weeks we took her to get her shots, only to find out is was a male, so we immed changed the name from Gracie to Graystone, and we loved him till leaving us a few years later of natural causes, was older then we thought, but he was loved. So just the thought of someone using a pet, then discarding it is absolutely deplorable and inexcusable, pets are people too with emotions just like the rest of us, they completely rely on us, and in return shower us with unconditional love, is there anything better!!

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I just cannot fathom taking in a trusting pet and basically using it.  These aren’t cars or dogs that are behavior problem animals.  What’s worse is many people are taking them to shelters, not rescues, that have kill policies.  The more I think about it, the angrier I get.  How very selfish and cold.  

Unreal!  Inside Edition showed people taking dogs out in the woods and abandoning them!  I won't say what I think should be done to such people.  But it should be a felony crime!

I have to share this...who could resist this little guy with his little face and paws barely showing on top of the table, peering at the treat jar!  At one point he was licking his chops so I didn't miss the hint!  LOL  

DSCN1057.JPG

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13 hours ago, JimJim said:

pets are people too with emotions just like the rest of us, they completely rely on us, and in return shower us with unconditional love, is there anything better!!

I feel the same and it's no wonder I feel as I do about dogs & cats!  To me it's no different than a child, they depend on us and they're so sweet and loving and forgiving!

I'm glad you adopted "Gracie" ...er, Graystone!  Thank you for sharing that story!

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

who could resist this little guy with his little face and paws barely showing on top of the table, peering at the treat jar!  At one point he was licking his chops so I didn't miss the hint!  LOL  

Well, after a scolding as we always had a no paws on counters policy, it would be hard to resist indeed.  🙂. Mel sits in the kitchen and stares at whichever counter has what she is supposed to get at that time.  If I don’t show up fast enough, the barking commences.  Just like right now, it’s timed to toss her tennis ball and she is staring at me til I get a move on!   

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This is just my craft table, so no biggie, he doesn't reach my counters & dining table. ;)

 

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