He lost his father infront of his eyes in pain , and everything crumbled.

[Seiryu]

Hello ,

I saw a lot of similar situations for the first time after it happened to me ;here,  but there were a few things I couldn't take in. 

I was in a long distance with this beautiful person for two years , it would have  been two this month.  We were struggling a lot in our lives , and when we found each other , being together gave us a lot of push , it wasn't a straight slop in our relationship because I have had multiple traumas of the past which he eventually helped me in as days went by , lest to say some actually became bearable because he was there , him just being there gave me so much , like i said i especially was in a bad condition and thought I wouldn't make it just before we met online. It passed as he came ,slowly it did. We met once , three months ago ,and it was for 3 days ,but not entirely 3 days either but it gave us so much , i could see a future one where after all the current struggles he will be there. I worked so much in college for it , I'm doing architecture and our college is pretty ruthless nevertheless i was overworking to be at the top and i did it in my batch , only because being with him at the end of all of this was so worth it. I'm 20 and he is 24. Last month in may start , him and his parents fell ill due to covid , and uncle passed away rather painfully infront of him and him alone asking for oxygen choking. Aunty being critical he couldn't tell  her. What child deserves to see the terrifying death of his father nd not be allowed to mourn with his mother right? The world has been extremely cruel. I couldn't go to him at all , I wouldn't have been allowed to and he knew , he knew but it still was there that he needed me in the hospital when he was alone aiding to his mother right after watching his father just leave. It was horrendous. Cannot lie , i blamed myself a lot , anyone would , i know everyone will say that it wasn't my fault and everyone has been telling me the same , him too , he wouldn't let me blame myself but the matter of fact is that I wasn't there. He needed me and I wasn't.  A month passed , his mother is back home , they broke the news to her when she came home , she has been off of full time oxygen now but she is still very ill. Might require a year or more to get back to normalcy physically and mentally who knows. They are devastated.  We werent talking a lot because there are too many responsibilities and his career path has been changed with uncle not here now , he was planning to come to my college city because the best college is there for his further psychology studies and also that i was there it was a good thing we were looking forward to , but now he is being forced to get a job in his city which he doesn't likes because it doesn't have a lot of opportunities and he told me as things stand , he might be forced to marry at some point there itself and settle down because of aunty , he also has to bear the works of his father so its a lot. And then came june 9 , when he called up , told me he doesn't know what to do , that he couldn't see the future , his life has been overthrown both mentally and physically , and he cannot do the things he wanted to now , and that our relationship might not work anymore because of the responsibilities he has that anything could happen in the 4-5 years that is still left of my courses bachelors itself.  He said he didn't wanted to be seperated but he doesn't knows what to do , he cannot understand anything right now , had uncle been alive he would never have done it.  He really cried so much over the call , telling me he loves me so much , and i said i will respect his choice ( i obviously only meant it for him , this is so much to bear with and honestly I'm not sure how i will ever be fine again) but he said i dont understand for him this is like losing another person , at that point of time i really knew there is no other reason , he was asking me like a child if there was any solution to this all , any one solution ,all i could do was cry and take his words. I don't know , I can go to him physically leaving my course but its not a solution for either of us , he would never accept it neither will my parents , its a compromise for a lifetime and i know but I couldn't find a single solution. Having given no choice at an age where I've seen people living like life has just begun while it felt to me as if did life just ended again when i had just started to hold onto it after so long. We both hurt. There was no choice , I was trying but i couldnt for the first two days when i didnt contact him , I've never felt this alone , people were there around me wanting to help me but the fact that he wont be there anymore , i just can't , it doesn't feels worth it. I was screaming and crying for the next entire day , nothing and i do mean it , nothing mattered. For me he was the one person who gave me life when I was about to give up. Or should I say this life was because of him and to live without him when he is there but the world was unfair. I don't want to do this again and again , to start over.  He called me two days after , and I haven't even came to feel anything by that point , all i was doing was crying with short breaks when i had to see mom because crying infront of her would mean i needed to tell her everything , I wasn't prepared. So i was crying and screaming locked in my room on another floor itself. And then he called , two days after it all , his mere voice that time just made me scream so loud , and when i came to realise its his call , i cried then. He was more worried , he didnt wanted me to be miserable and give up on everything but its probably because of his own situation that he forgot maybe that he was the only one who gave me the reasons to continue.  We talked a little of how his house had been , nobody is still able to grieve properly , they are in such a shock , and he is overburdened with work and maybe because he had just lost his father , he couldn't grieve with his sister and mother yet because they didnt looked remotely okay to him but i pushed him , the last time we talked , i came to the realisation that he will never grieve with me over texts or calls , not like we had much , but he needed to go to his sister who is at least physically okay. I pushed him to talk to her , said something and he said he understood. But he didnt contacted after that so i dont know what has been going on. I appointed a therapist few days ago for tomorrow that is Saturday. Its the last thing I thought ill do for him since he always wanted me to get one because I've struggled with many trauma and resulted effects were sometimes a lot. I was suggested by my friends to not contact him for a few days and let him take his time to grieve with his family , he needed it more than anyone since he was the sole person who actually saw uncle passing away. 

 

Could anyone please tell me if there was any other option than to be seperated , this hurt both of us. He is taking all the blame , and he has asked of me multiple times to not give up and continue to be amazing as i was in his words.  I was never remotely playing around , if he isn't there , the things i were doing have lost the end meaning to it. I've lost the home i thought ill be able to return to in the future no matter the day. What could have been done. This is so cruel . I understand fully well he took the decision , he is responsible for taking this decision but i cannot expect him to be rational at this point , he asked me of any other solution and i have none , i am uselessly young to do anything else. We cried so much that day in silence , it was so painful. I cannot still take it in. 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Seiryu said:

Could anyone please tell me if there was any other option than to be seperated

He chose the option as his way of coping so there's nothing you can do but respect his choice; it helps to focus on yourself and surround yourself with supportive people.  I know this hurts, believe me, I know it's not easy!  It seems a process but no contact will aid you in healing from YOUR grief and help you in the long run as you adjust to this change in your life.  This is my story:  

 

I was blindsided w/o even the benefit of a discussion!  Looking back I think I was spared a mistake that could have been worse; you see, I would not want to be married to someone who chose this way of handling things.  I would want a partner who would go through thick and thin with me.

[Seiryu]

25 minutes ago, kayc said:

it helps to focus on yourself and surround yourself with supportive people.  I know this hurts, believe me, I know it's not easy!  It seems a process but no contact will aid you in healing from YOUR grief

Kay , the thing is I have people who want to see me live another day everyday , including him. But people never realised I wasn't living for myself , i was supposed to have died two years ago when after everything my body had given up on me too, I mean I had lost the reasons to live years ago and thats when he had came , he gave me reasons , lest to say he was the reason. I dont know what people do when the one who saved you , has to leave. Its hard , and honestly I know it can be very harsh for what I'm doing but right now , I'm more worried on how he is , because he hasn't really even began grieving yet , i suggested him to talk to his sister. It had been 5 days since i last contacted him and tomorrow is my first therapy session , the one thing he always wanted eagerly to see me doing , he was the one from the beginning who wanted to see me actually see life like he did , he couldn't bear it when I couldn't , he helped me so much, he is a clinical psychologist , idk if its that but he was so very kind to the core unlike me . So i texted him today , i didn't cried more than twice today so i thought i can handle it , and i mostly did it because i wanted to know if he gave himself the space he deserved to grieve or not which my gut said he probably isnt. So i texted him today and as i thought , he still hasn't started grieving , i cannot push him because his mother is still ill , the loom of death isnt exactly over yet , and he would never on his life do anything that could harm her further , so i guess he wont really grieve and i just told him if he realises that this will never work , and he said he knows , either way i told him he can reach me without resisting much , i really dont think i can ever forgive myself if i cannot do this much for him after not even being there when his father passed away. He responded that ' it wont be good for you ' but i only said  'I'm starting therapy , have some faith , i can take it' and he replied with ' youre too good arent you' , and it was the saddest I've seem him as while complimenting me.  He showed me what love is supposed to be , he said it more than once after the seperation that this relationship will be his ideal perfect relationship, I feel that more than ever , he showed me how love and be loved. He had always in every chance complimented me  , but whenever he used to do so , he had this wide smile and his beautiful eyes going kinder and gentler with a affirmation that he was so lucky that I am with him. Yet todays felt so dark  .After the separation when he texted me because they found an unexpected report of his father which he hid of his then condition , few days before his death , its a lot to take in but when we talked that time , he said ' i really dont deserve you at all' , as I stand , i knew i was stripped of the right to even say , i am here infront of him. He only needed to put some faith. 

There is nothing i can not bear more than him being alone right now. I dont know what the future holds , honestly this person saved me and has saved so many others that this is too cruel. If i can still be of use for him. Its fine. I am getting help myself , i can probably bear it. Although his words look like he wouldn't do anything that he thinks will make things hard for me. I hope for once he choose to see me as a person who he can rely on even for a bit. 

 

I dont know if I'm wrong, Kay or anyone reading this. I dont really know. Its a lot of hurt and i still am hurting , but more than me , this person didnt deserved any of this. 

He asked of me to live , as the last thing for him when we were separating , he asked me to live and keep living till one day we can meet again ,and that he wanted to talk and cry with me. Probably of how cruel the world was to him and to us , of how we were stripped to the core of any humanity. Lest to say if I do survive this period of time , which I dont know how , I honestly want to give up, trying and trying again has made me very tired and there is a wound I know would never heal or fill up and to live with it sounds very exhausting but nevertheless if i survive this with therapy or somehow, I will meet him , no matter if he had another person ( if his then partner would be comfortable) or not , it wont change the fact that we brought to each other more than a relationship , we brought peace and trust , we shared a period of time. 

 

I honestly need a little opinion someone so it'll be great if you could respond . If it looks like I'm coping , I'm not lol , I am at the edge everyday, but as much as I'm not coping , how i cherished this person and wanted to see him grow from the start doesn't changes , the pains a lot that I need to just accept that he wont be here even if he lives. That no matter what you do , life will still choose to ruin you. Devoid you of everything you want to hold onto. 

[MartyT]

48 minutes ago, Seiryu said:

He asked of me to live , as the last thing for him when we were separating , he asked me to live and keep living till one day we can meet again

My dear, I urge you to keep in mind what your beloved has asked of you: to live and keep living. Let this be enough, until with the support of your counselor you find the strength you need to do it.

[Seiryu]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Let this be enough

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Words cannot describe this pain and with it the exhaustion i have of this life. But he lives , I wanna see his life , even if that was the only purpose left.

[MartyT]

I just happened upon this article / broadcast, which you may find of interest: On the Disenfranchised Grief Experiences of Romantic Heartbreak and Pet Loss  ♥

[Seiryu]

Thanks Mary , I read it. Unfortunately the circumstances are a little different but thank you for sharing. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Seiryu said:

I dont know what people do when the one who saved you , has to leave. Its hard

I do know.  I met the love of my life in my mid-40s, he was my soul mate and best friend.  Before that I'd been in a cold hard marriage for 23 years, never loved.  George and I adored each other and demonstrated our love every day.  And then he died, barely 51, shocking and up-heaving my life to the core!  I have had to learn so much!  Every friend we had disappeared overnight!  My sisters didn't understand as they'd never been through it.  The only ones who did understand were old people (which I'm one of now!) who at least got to live their lives with their loved one, I felt gypped, our life together cut way short.  I've been alone 16 years today, which was also Father's Day that year, so I get a double whammy most years.

I wrote this with Loss of Spouse in mind but grief is grief and I do think a lot of it might apply in your situation.  I want you to know this is an evolutionary journey and it won't always feel as intense as it does today.  Sending you hugs.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Seiryu]

Hello , 

Thank you for those words @kayc . I had my first counselling session today but as much as I'd say she is professionally capable , but I just cannot express my grief. In the end it came off as a mere heartbreak and someone who i only relied on. And honestly I couldn't correct her , I had no energy left. She tried , but I'm just bad with speaking it out. Texts are way better for me. And so i read through your message and its more comfortable to me reading that than the session i had with the professional. Thank you again. I think I will try to take this one day at a time. Although I asked my therapist and after the entire situation she told me its better if i texted as a friend for support to him and I fully agree. I dont know why but because people were trying to help me through just a breakups point of view that my grief couldn't be conveyed enough whenever I actually speak.

 

I've been given some task to do till the next session. I still dont know what to do but I texted him to talk , to give him a final word to try to talk to me. If he knows fully well that I'm progressing with my therapist , he might come and just grieve a little.  Thats for the better.  His grief is too great to bear now that after his father , his mother is still ill. I'll probably try to stick around and see if he needs help or something , because he clearly is not grieving yet , he was grieving a bit with me before but i just pushed him to his sister thinking he cannot grieve over calls or anything , but I might've been wrong. So I'll ask him again now. 

 

This group gives me a little peace of mind to know that  I said something that someone who gets it ,read it.  I'll keep coming here , thank you 

[kayc]

If you try another counseling session, perhaps you could write it out and give it to her at the beginning of your session so she can take the time to read it and have it fresh on her mind.  Yes, it'd take time for her to read it, but what good does it do if she doesn't "hear you?"  We all convey ourselves differently.  I like writing as you get time to assemble your thoughts with deliberation rather than being caught on the fly.  

21 hours ago, Seiryu said:

just a breakups

"just a" minimizes and devalues, that thought should be discarded/rejected as to you this is VERY REAL and your grief of utmost importance!  Try not to give much thought to the morrow as we do not have foreknowledge of what will happen anyway and thinking unduly about it sends fear/anxiety through us (I have it and people seem to regard it to lack of positive thinking or not trusting God, it is a very real condition and GAD, genetic!.  What we do with it is our choice but having it is definitely not).

21 hours ago, Seiryu said:

So I'll ask him again now. 

Inquiring is appropriate, telling can be a shutdown statement.

Oh Hon, yes I get it, so does Marty, and I read all of the posts here, so does she.  Wishing you (and him) only the best.  And this place literally saved me when I lost my husband to death Father's Day 2005, he was barely 51 and it stunned me to the core.  And when I later lost my fiance when he blindsided me (his mom was dying), again.  It helps to express ourselves to those who get it and understand and care.  Sometimes our family/friends care but have not been there.

[Seiryu]

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

write it out and give it to her at the beginning of your session so she can take the time to read it and have it fresh on her mind. 

I think ill do this. Actually she(my therapist) told me to write a letter in a way things I wanted ,because as things stand I didnt wanted anything at all , everything was for him and this gave me every reason to continue forth with life. Ill take some time and slowly write everything I can before the next session. Thank you!

 

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

(I have it and people seem to regard it to lack of positive thinking or not trusting God, it is a very real condition and GAD, genetic

I'm sorry for people treating you like that. I may be very young but I understand that anxiety and its physical repercussions and honestly it takes in so much energy to fight it in the moment and then people just fly it off with mere words. He used to put me on grounding techniques to try to get out of the immediate anxiety. Also anxiety is a survival response , often comes from fear , thats what I've learned. I'm glad you know people are wrong. 

 

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

Inquiring is appropriate, telling can be a shutdown statement.

Yes actually we talked on call when he got free. I didnt fall apart hearing him , I was glad he is just alive amidst this brutal reality he is trapped into. I felt so relieved hearing him. Although he is constantly going worse for now but only holding on for his mother. I realised I cannot do anything but be an emotional support to him for now. If I need to help him in real , I need to get my degree and have a standing in terms of money to help at all. Losing a father has put him in a very constrained manner infront of all the other elders who dont have enough sympathy or care. And its very frustrating but he will need to hold on , I can only watch at the moment. I thought a lot upon this , for hours and there is no other way for me to do anything except getting my degree first and becoming stable and well enough that none of the elders will interfere with his life( I dont mean it to be romantic way , but just his life alone , I want to give him his space if I can where he used to be him ). I'm glad I have the opportunity to work at least. He is alive. Im very , very grateful that he lived. 

 

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

I lost my husband to death Father's Day 2005, he was barely 51 and it stunned me to the core.  And when I later lost my fiance when he blindsided me (his mom was dying), again.

Kay , I really do wonder why life is how it is. Why is it so unfair and keeps taking. Thank you for existing kay. You're saving so many people , I wish for nothing but kindness and peace for you in your own life. 

 

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

Oh Hon, yes I get it, so does Marty, and I read all of the posts here, so does she.  Wishing you (and him) only the best.

Thank you really :')

[kayc]

I'm glad you're holding it together and your degree is a good goal to continue towards!  We can't help people really unless they want and go after help themselves.  All we can do is provide emotional support and resources, words of advice if they ask for and are receptive to it.  I love that saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."  So true!  I'm going through that with my sister right now, you can give them the most sound advice and help but unless they want change, it does no good...she is often her own worst enemy.  I hope this is not the case with your friend.

What elders are you referring to?  (Wondering if you're an LDS).

[Seiryu]

Honestly , he was the person who was on the other side of this. Always being there for everyone , maybe because of the nature of his job but he never believed in that someone cannot be helped. I want to be that now , just for him, its okay even if I have to pretend to be alright , eventually I will be okay someday , but if it gives him any kind of hope I'll do it. Also he isn't rejecting things , but the situation is such that he is extremely binded because the only one who can do anything is his mother and she is devastated as of now. If anything I'm trying to see what can be done , their city of residence dont have any support groups for people who've lost someone or are elders , and online wouldn't fetch her , I'll try asking my therapist what can be done . 

There is one thing though , I didnt wanted to say to him so I haven't as of now , but he is completely doing anything that he thinks will be okay for his mother , but life is such that it really does slip away unknowingly , I dont know what he will do when aunty wont be there , i really just am hoping he comes to this realisation when aunty is still here and try to not get into something he wouldn't wish for 10-20 years from now.  Thats also why I want to go to meet him and his mother once I have some reputation or standing enough for my words to be taken with some weightage and not just brushed off. I think it will also help his mother if a person who is doing well , tells her that his son will be okay , you dont need to rush him into everything cause you are worried for what will happen to him when you're not here. I kind of want her to listen to these words when I've something to offer more than mere words , I dont think I want to take the responsibility of me loving him by that point of time , it will be foolish to think he will still love me and not have found someone else , but also that if he still continues to feel like now then I wouldn't mind it , as much as I know ill cherish his existence till I live there is no two second thought about it but I wont expect it out of him. 

 If by that time , he allows the marriage to happen to him with someone for the sake of the pressure on him, I'll have to leave this thought ,but if he doesn't. Ill go meet them. 

Umm tell me if I'm being delusional lol . I know it can be hard to maintain the thought , but talking to him made me convinced I want to do this. If I were to die today , I cannot do anything at all. This life is because he is , I kind of want to return that favor. It still hurts incredibly ,knowing he did this , can't really complain to anyone , no one is to blame , the limbo gets me many times in a day ,but it also remains ,I dont regret loving him or meeting him. He says sorry everytime I've talked to him , which is thrice in more than 10 days and he is angry at his own situation too , its too much for anyone he is very angry why it all happened. I'll stay here and look after him as much as I can. 

 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

What elders are you referring to?  (Wondering if you're an LDS).

I'm not sure what lds is. By elders I mean , the eldest people after his father , like his fathers brothers and all. 

[kayc]

Just be careful not to make him your life cause, try to balance with YOU as priority, you do not want to lose yourself in this, very important.  If we put too much in a person we easily can.

[Seiryu]

I dont really know it yet kay. I'm trying to move because he is trying too. Will have to see for myself.

[Seiryu]

Hey all been a while

Few things , I went to therapy , Couldn't help me I feel , kind of tired also , its just finding therapists again and again , I don't know , I've never been able to be okay with myself that I'll try so much for my ownself. So I'm not sure. 

I talked to him few times too , barely 2 maybe , otherwise its just me texting how he was cause there were things still left to do for his fathers last rites and I couldn't not ask if he is at least physically alright. They had to take the ashes to drown them in a different city so the day before it he texted me asking how i was and then continued with that 'tomorrow will be heavy' when they had to travel with the ashes. I listened as usual , then later that evening he said he finished his masters :') got the certificate and was thanking me for being there. Honestly I dont really know what I did but yeah I told him it was his efforts amidst this horrible reality that he still managed to do it. 

I made a playlist for him the next day incase he gets time alone in travelling , he could use it.  Fast forward to now , They came back safe and things are just bad , the relatives and everyone left right when they came back , formalities. He also had a page / website and everything for psychology since he is one and I was there when he started it , the community is beautiful rn , he has managed to counsel so many people for free and it was so great to see him happy when people responded positively to it. Almost 1.5 years of work on it. In the recent days of our breakup , he said he didnt know how to go back to that page and space without me because for him I helped him when he was helping others. He has two more team members in it ,and i thought they will figure something out but he told me day before yesterday that he disbanded the team , he cannot work as a team at all now and everything. I dont know how to help him or what to do about it. It will take time , a lot of it. But I only told him to not delete the page itself , teams can still be made , its nothing irreversible I said. I hope he gets it. I feel the joy he used to get from helping people should not be forgotten. They were the reason why he was himself too. 

But yeah , things have been hard , I'm being called to my college in offline mode even though there is covid and I hated the college space but it was alright when he was there ,now I'm just anxious and scared of it. I'm getting so much anxiety just thinking about it , Its always been him I used to go to but I cannot do that now i guess? I'm probably not allowed to. And therapists just wont work for me i feel , i tried and it never leaves me the fact that these people are only here for the money and nothing would impact them of what happens to me. 

Kinda stuck I guess , kinda do think it'll be okay if I just sleep and donot wake up peacefully at this point.  Im pretty tired of it all.  I know I wont harm myself , thats another guilt but sigh. 

Either way how are you all doing too :') 

[kayc]

I am sorry you haven't had good therapists.  I have learned so much from Marty over the years, she's not only a grief counselor but owner of this website, I admire her so much for her compassionate heart and wealth of knowledge.  Of course, coming here is not the same as in person therapy one on one, but I say all this to say that I know there are caring good ones out there, sometimes it's a matter of try try again and you'll eventually hit the jackpot.  I've also learned so much from the other posters here, I've read each and every thread in this section and see a pattern that can be learned from, behaviors are classic and tell a story if we but listen.

Unless you give yourself time away from him to heal it will make it very hard for you to get over him so you can move on in your life.  I know you care about him, I get that.  But if you hope for something more it's highly unlikely judging from all of the threads here that that will ever happen.  Be very honest with yourself about whether you can do friends only without it hurting, only you can know, but most cannot. I think I was the one exception as I am a realist, I could see what was happening and did not allow his waffling to continue to tear me up emotionally (I'd get mixed messages after his breakup), I let what he said go in one ear and out the other, and we've been friends for the 11 years since but we did have several months no contact after the breakup, that helped.  He was a mess, for a very long time after his mom died.  He went back to his old patterns and allowed his XW to move in when she would have been homeless, now they do everything together, not romantically but a "family" nonetheless.  If I hadn't been totally over him it would have torn me up to see, but it is what it is and I've never hoped/expected anything else from him.  I was there for him when he very nearly died of CHF.  So just be very very honest with yourself to spare yourself setbacks or more pain, okay?  (((hugs)))

 

[Seiryu]

I don't think no matter even if I wanted more , I won't say it.  Severing ties is something I cannot do right now , its merely this thing when I know he isn't well , I cannot bring myself to work unknowing of his condition , its not something with any regards of the relationship , considering he almost came out of death , I can't not be in contact if death knocks again. Thats my worst fear , people dying when I didn't knew , at least ones who I care for. Likewise love will always be there , it will change its form that I'm unsure of but it could. Its not being in touch (barely ) with him thats tiring, thats the most relieving thing that he isn't dead. 

Whats tiring is everything else , I dont think I've been crying a lot lately , i dont think I'm crying at all , just once in a few days now. The rest of the things have just become numb in a way. The memories are all fresh , they dont go away even if the person has. Its a lot of losses everywhere that pile up. I'm not in contact with him enough for it to cause any hinderance in things a lot. But sometimes I just want to quit acting like an adult. I think of what will be the better option , didn't let myself loose at all. Sometimes I dont want to. I didn't think 20 years would show me this pain , it really sucks to know that people I know in my immediate circle would never relate to me , why was I given all of this at this age? I dont know . I do feel numb , will be going to college and dont know how to cope in that hell hole campus but I'll be busier. I'll probably just get into drinks and gatherings. It sounds better.

9 hours ago, kayc said:

it is what it is and I've never hoped/expected anything else from him.  I was there for him when he very nearly died of CHF. 

Thats sad. And he did a fedex. I dont think I would ever not hate someone if they did this as a breakup , I cannot with disrespect. 

 

 

[kayc]

He has Aspergers and can't handle confrontation, focuses on one thing at a time...at this time it was taking care of his mom who failed to thrive...she died nearly three months later.

Your quadruple use of negatives makes it hard to follow what you're saying...

10 hours ago, Seiryu said:

I dont think I would ever not hate someone if they did this as a breakup , I cannot with disrespect.

 

[Seiryu]

36 minutes ago, kayc said:

Your quadruple use of negatives makes it hard to follow what you're saying...

My bad , It isnt my first language. Regardless , I just thought of getting left with a mail or something and it sounded harsh. But I understand if they had a condition. Sorry for the wrong choice of words kay. 

 

[kayc]

Wow, I had no idea English isn't your first language!  You do amazing with it!  I see what you were saying...yes it was very hard having him break our engagement of a year by Fed Ex, especially to my office where I didn't receive the news in private and was told to leave!  It was humiliating!  But just goes to show the relationship was not meant to be, we were better off as friends and it would have been difficult to be married with his condition.  What you can accept in a friendship is not the same expectation for a spouse.  With his XW they were codependent in an unhealthy way and yet it's what they've found familiar and thus comfortable.  At least I was able to urge him to take some actions he needed to take financially and see that helped him save his home and his life, so it wasn't all for naught!  I learned to choose more carefully, not just how good a wife I can be to someone but also consider how they would be for me, I am just as valuable.  Of course, I haven't been in a relationship since, LOL!  

I wish you the best going forward and hope you also choose YOU and put your own health, mental and physical, first, not just the other person's. 

 

[Seiryu]

You are worthy of it all, I see that very well. I'm glad of the point you currently are at. Its very admirable :') 

 

I'm still pretty much in the starters of this all , one minute at a time i guess.  

 

[Seiryu]

Hey all,

How are you all?

Its been a while. A lot happened. I'm in my college again , living in the hostel. And although I've tried distracting myself with people , it haunts again and again. He was slipping words a few times when we used to talk a little more , and it made me want to as well , but I did not absolutely wanted to be in a place where cutting ties altogether would happen. I just need to know people I've loved are alive. So I even told him one time that I wouldn't make any mistake talking you , this is the only communication left and so i cannot go wrong , by mistakes i mean the words , things that will take us back to the time we had and hurting us , words like maybe i miss you and everything. I've not said this once from the very beginning even though he almost said it  , he said 'you miss me too?' , thats all. Thats when i told him we needed to restrain or this will go nowhere. 

And he said he will keep a check on him after that  And he did , he never said anything of that sort again.

But the last call we had. Few days ago , i got a little into contact because some twisted s*** happened in his family and he was just in a mess and asked me for opinion. So i checked on him a little for a few days , last we talked on call , I slipped , for the first time. I was going to say something but i didnt , i stopped so he said 'is it not worth it anymore?' , and I mean , how could anything not be worth it. Communication was our love , since he is a psychologist , communicating everything meant so much . And In that flow i just said ' how will anything I have to say not be worth it saying to you ' and I gave a pause but I couldn't ,it was too much and I said ' I missed you' and he kept his word ,he didnt said anything ,only long breaths  , i cried. A lot. College has always been horrendous for me , people I dont wanna be with and things I never wanted to do and the person who made it bearable was him , I walk by places in my campus where i remember was my escape cause I'd be alone talking to him and it would be okay before I get back into the whole sheet works of arch. We cut the call because I couldn't speak anymore , holding back the cry made my throat so full. But we just exchanged well wishes and cut the call. Thats the last call , I didnt contacted him at all after it , he did it once after a few days , showing me his random brush strokes saying his artist has awaken or something lol. But yeah thats the end of it. 

I always think no contact mightve done good but if I went into it , all I'll ever think of him would be an ex. Its definitely hard right now , but life is slipping so much , nothing holds up for us even for a second , I don't wanna live in a place where people I've loved and who haven't done wrong to me no longer exists , and so I don't wanna be in a place where I am just always finding new people and leaving the ones I've loved. And I forced myself into going out with classmates and I felt alien. People infront of me , most of them looked so normal for this age. Like theyre just living life as it is given to them , not a lot to loose , not a lot of things that they cannot control. I've become this person infront of everyone where I'm unable to show emotions much , cause they feel uncomfortable if I even said something once and tbh they are kids , my classmates , I dont want them to know yet that life fucks you up if theirs is alright for now. 

Most of the time I've stopped wishing to not wake up in the morning but once i do wake up , I do wonder why. Its not a necessity , I could give things up and rest a few years ahead of the normal age to rest? I'm not sure but a few months or years of sorrow in peoples memories , their lives will not stop either . But once you realise nothing in the life itself has any purpose , you put meaning again and again to just live it , even though we all know we wont make it at the end. People are pointlessly living , maybe its how they forget that all of our walkways ends are the same. 

I'm not actively thinking of suiciding , but its just I've known this for a long time which is why nothing makes sense to me , thats why he was a goal to reach to stay with. But now I came to understand that death will leave you bawling your heart out and you cannot do anything about it. You work for people you love , but if those people are taken away , what do you do . Its just a thought.  

Its probably cause I've become tired of people around me that I keep coming here again. 

Thanks for reading although its just crap , I only feel tired of it all is all I'm saying. 

Have a Good day!

 

Ps - I've been really wanting to get into alcohol cause I wanna think less , so I've started it a little although my mother knows about what all happened with me so she is against it cause its not happy drinking right now, but like everyone only ever tells me there was no solution to this , And I know that but like if thats all people will always say , I'd rather try to let go of my senses altogether is all I think. Its kinda bad I guess , I know that and its pathetic , but I dont think I care a lot. If all I need to do is suck it up , I'd do it with alcohol maybe. Therapy didnt worked online and offline wont happen since pandemic is still in a bad shape in my place. So yeah. 

 

[kayc]

You are heavily grieving relationship so I advise strongly against turning to alcohol in it.  It further depresses you.  We can't go through life very well numb.  I'm sorry you're hurting so bad.  It helps to understand the science of our body.  Sodas cause depression & anxiety too, not helpful.  What we eat and do does make a difference in how we're able to handle things and cope, to give yourself the best possible chance at coping to the best of your ability, take care of yourself, get some exercise to release endorphins and give yourself optimal chance at getting through this with quality of life.    Nothing good seems to happen instantly but in our society we're not taught patience.  Prayer/meditations help too.

[MartyT]

Kay's words are wise ones: 

2 hours ago, kayc said:

advise strongly against turning to alcohol in it.  It further depresses you.  We can't go through life very well numb. 

See Mixing Grief With Alcohol: Will It Lead to Addiction?

2 hours ago, kayc said:

What we eat and do does make a difference in how we're able to handle things and cope

See Physical Reactions to Loss

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