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Figuring out my work life after loss


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Hello, I'm new.  The losses I've had this year, I could be posting in multiple groups, but thought I would start here.

I've had one huge loss in April 2020 that I am still reeling from.  It was traumatic has forever changed myself and my husband.  We are still reeling and both in counseling trying to work through it.  My mother has also now been diagnosed with cancer and it is not treatable and has been given a few months.

After my loss in April 2020, i was away from work for 3 months.  After those 3 months I was ready to go back and needed the distraction.  One thing i noticed though is that my ability to focus and deal with decisions and stressful situations has deteriorated.  My patience is thin with trivial things that people stress about, and can normally handle that ok but sometimes get frustrated.  I am a manager of a small crew of 4 and we are all pretty close and were co-workers before I moved into this position.  

I'm struggling with if I should talk to my HR dept or my manager (who's not easy to talk with, he worked the day after his own mother passed).  At work I now need more time to process things.  I find in meetings, I can't walk away with all the info, I need things in writing to read over a few times to wrap my head around the information.  I need time to make a decision, I can't answer right away on some things that for me require thought.  I feel like i'm not 100% at my job anymore and have been thinking I should look at stepping away into a position with less responsibility.  I feel like I'm letting everyone down.  I love my job, and for the most part things are just fine, this is something that just sits in the back of my mind bothering me.  

Has anyone felt the same or gone through something similar?  What did you do?  I'm overwhelmed right now with losing my mom soon so things are even worse and I might be overthinking.  Thank you in advance, sorry if I didn't include enough info.  

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21 hours ago, Mellar said:

he worked the day after his own mother passed

Welcome here!  Not everyone's relationships are the same and neither are their responses.  It would be unrealistic for him to expect the same response from you as he had.  That's why we have laws governing time off for bereavement.  I only took two weeks off after losing my husband suddenly/unexpectedly (he'd just turned 51!) going in to do payroll on day 5.  They didn't have anyone else and it would have been a hardship for the company but my boss was wonderful, his wife brought me food and put up flyers around town, he arranged for someone to speak to the coworkers about loss, what to expect and how they could support me, I will always be grateful for his handling of it.

My focus was NOT the same after loss as prior to.  I asked my boss to double check my work, something I never needed before, but I felt I couldn't trust my own brain.  My job ended within a few months after my George died as it was the beginning of the recession and the business didn't make it.  My next job was not as challenging for me but required a long commute.  I will always miss that other job as it was my favorite in my working career, I would have worked there until age 70 if I could have!  But sometimes there's something to be said for a job being easier when you are taxed to the max in your personal life.

I am sorry for your losses, I don't know what your first one was, but I also know what it is to lose my mom...mine died seven years ago from dementia.  I've had more losses than I can count and each one is different, my husband was the hardest one to weather, the other hardest was my companion dog, Arlie.

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