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If Things Were Reversed


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I often think about something.  

How would my wife  be coping now, had I passed first?

In all candor, I feel she might possibly suffered more than I am.  There is a variety of reasons for this. I will say, the way my family—for some unknown reason—has shunned me, I have no reason to believe they would not have shunned her as well.  

Consequently, I sometimes truly wonder…is it better she went first? I just cannot answer this in my head. . 

So my questions to you are:
1. Do you feel your significant other would have suffered equally, if not worse than you have?
2. If your answer to above is “Yes” do you take ANY comfort in knowing that he or she was exempt from experiencing this level of sorrow?

It’s really a difficult one for me.  I sometimes think “the ONLY way I could ever be more heart-broken than I am, is if is I passed first,  and had to watch/be aware of my wife going through what I have.   

i shutter to think how scared she would be and I’m confident she would mourn me with as much, if not more tenacity than I am her. 

When I talk to her. I rarely complain about any of life’s problems.  I figure either she is aware or she isn’t.  If she’s not there is no point bothering her about i.  I’ll just wait until we are reunited and the.bitch and moan until she gets sick of it. Seriously, I hope she is not aware of the unjust I have faced…she just needs to know I miss her and am heart-broken beyond repair. 

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I cannot picture my husband here without me.  He'd been through so much in his life!  I was the strong one...that said, how I'm feeling, no, I can't imagine.  I think it would have been bad..  I'm glad for him that he didn't have to do this.

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It's very fortunate that Annette passed first, as terrible as that may sound. She felt she was a burden to me, even though she wasn't. She would not have wanted to be a burden on anyone else, and she had so many medical issues, including impending blindness. She really wouldn't have had any good options of where to go. Her sister would have taken her in, but that would have been imposing on her sister's life- her husband, and her many dogs. It would have been very hard. She couldn't go to her father- he had a wife and he was living there with his wifes daughter and sons. She would never have wanted to live in a facility. At least I had somewhere to go.... It was better this way. 

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We talked about there wasn’t an answer to this.  We loved each other too much to want to feel the pain of the loss of the other, precisely where we are now.  We didn’t look at it selfishly.  Hs hard for anyone to  not see it that way.  I still feel as II did the moment it happened - this was a mistake.  It was supposed to me.  We want to take their place.  It’s denied.  Now I’m left behind and handicapped.  And alone.  Is this better than being dead?  We’d always say……if you really love me , you wouldn’t make me live without you.  Maybe we were weird sounding to you, but that’s how we looked at it.

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I think I am taking his place...his place here without me would have been extremely hard on him.

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