Struggling

[Connor'sMom]

Hello,

I am back with another loss. This time my Mom. New support group.

She passed 09/09/21. She was a difficult lady  but she was my mom. I am the youngest of 4. I was the only child she spoke to. I took care of her until the end. I have such a fractured family that I don't have anyone to talk with. It has been over a year and I still haven't written a celebration of life. Nothing. She said she did not believe in heaven. As I cleaned out her purse, she had rosary beads. I cleaned out her house and she had scriptures written down. She did not want to die. During her final hours I felt like she was struggling because she wanted a "do over." 

It has been over a year. I cry at the most inappropriate times. She loved the holidays and was very crafty. I went to TJ Maxx for a few things. Holiday items everywhere. I had a panic attack and went back to my car. 

I don't know how to grieve this.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, you are thrust with the confluence of her, what she displayed, and what she she lived, two different things to merge.  For whatever reason, she wasn't comfortable showing her other side.  I also had a difficult mom (all her life) but had made some bit of peace with it before she died (she had dementia)).  Her mental illness affected all of us.   

I'm sorry you still carry this.  You needn't do anything if you don't want to, if one of your siblings wants to or an aunt, let them.  It can be a lot of pressure.  My sister died in March, my other sister was busy with trips, and her social life so decided we should do it the following April, a year from her bdy, even though I have snow then and can't travel!  Now she has Guillain-Barre and can't drive, so who knows when we will do it.  My brother has her ashes and I have her husband's...I was her caregiver also.  We were very close, she was disabled and had dementia.  But as for scattering their ashes and saying our final farewell, it hangs over me like no one else, yet there are no rules anyone has to live by...

I am sorry it is bothering you.  I found with my mom it bothered me more for the mom I couldn't have, the personage she had to live, the person she couldn't be, but will be that person when I next meet her, that is what all of us kids have surmised from this.  I hope that thought consoles you a bit.  We have this life to get it right and if we do not, the next is the place all is made right. 

[MartyT]

16 hours ago, Connor'sMom said:

I don't know how to grieve this.

My dear, you are one of our valued long-time patrons, and I'm pleased to see that you've found your way back to us. Rest assured that we are here to support and guide you through this more recent loss of your mother. ❤️

Know that it is never too late to do the work of grief, as long as you're willing to do it.

I'm going to suggest for you some readings that I hope will speak to you in a helpful way. Note that beneath each article, you'll find links to additional resources:

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?

Complicated Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother

[Connor'sMom]

Thank you, Ms. Marty.

I appreciate the additional resources. I need reinforcements as we go into the holiday season.

Anxiety head to toe!