A New Word for A New Year

[Boho-Soul]

It's hard to believe it's been just over 2 years since my husband died. I can see the passing of time as I watch my gransdson grow (he'll be 2 yrs next month). But for the most part I felt like I went through life in a fog during that time. I'm changing that with the new year arriving this week. I don't want to live an unlived life moving forward and with all the healing and self care I've done I want to live more with the life I still have. 

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. I always lived my life with intention so the concept seems odd to me. What I do is choose a word to live by for each year. A new year started 3 weeks after my husband passed in 2020, and the word I choose for 2021 was 'Healing'. My word for 2022 was 'Self-care'. My word for 2023 is 'Connections'. I lost so many friends after my husband died, most all really, so now that I'm in a more stable place my intention this year is to connect with others and build new friendships.

Blessings to all in 2023

[V. R.]

Hi Boho-Soul, we haven't 'spoken' for a while. It's nice to hear from you again. I haven't been on here much lately. This long, too long festive period has completely shut me down. It's amazing how your words resonate with me so much. I feel as if someone else has been living in my place,these past two years,instead of me, and I am not really here, only my body is. I'm just watching the world go by as a mere spectator and not taking part.  As if I'm just lost in time, or in a trance, there aren't really any appropriate words to describe this feeling. I  lost my husband six weeks before the end of 2020, similar to your three weeks. I don't even remember going through last Christmas/New Year and the year before that, as if they never happened. Everything that's been going on in the world, in our lives since that day  doesn't seem real.  My daughter and I were having a discussion about this 'lost concept of time' yesterday,she's having this problem too. 

I like the way you reserve a special word for each New Year, 'Connections' is a great choice, I have also abandoned all human connection, but I think I need to connect with myself first. Perhaps this could be my NY resolution. 

Thanks for being an 'eye opener'.

Wishing you and everyone here a much more peaceful, stronger, fulfilling new year. 

 

[kayc]

I like that!  (word for the year)  I've never been one to make (thus break) NY resolutions, but I started Keto NYD 2020 and it's for LIFE not something to do for a while and then quit, and therein I think lies my success with it.  I've seen so many benefits it's been inspiring and I keep going, not even tempted with carbs, quite honestly.  Doing this enables me to live my best life.  Yesterday was National Keto Day!  I hadn't even known they had one, but it's a good time to draw attention to it for those out there suffering physically when they could intentionally change it.

10 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

My word for 2023 is 'Connections'.

And I wish you well with your endeavors for new friendships!  I had made a new life for myself with friendships and activities, then ten years in my BFF moved to TX to remarry and I have not found another in that category since!  I built "small friendships" and connections and then Covid came along and destroyed even that.  So back to square one.  I still make effort to get outside of myself although physical infirmities (injuries) limit that recently.  I will never give up as long as I breathe!  No man is an island!

I find the keyboard is a great way to connect with others but not enough, we need in flesh connections as well.  Good luck with you also, @V. R. both of you are people I admire!

[V. R.]

Thank you @kayc, and may I say "well done" to you for keeping up with your special diet, you have great will-power.

Your words "No man is an island" should be an inspiration for us all. 

 

[nashreed]

I haven't posted on here for a while. I still read posts, but there's not a lot of activity usually. 

I have just given up on human connection. I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never have another relationship even remotely close to what Annette and I had, so why bother? Small talk with cashiers at the supermarket doesn't do a thing for me. I tried to develop a friendship (online) with three different widows that I met on here and they all crashed and burned. One of them I thought I had developed a really good communication with- writing and texting- but, she just decided that she would rather not have a friendship with me at all than deal with the disagreements we had. I was too needy. Another lasted exactly a month. We even talked on the phone a couple of times, but again, we were both looking for different things out of it. She just wanted someone to listen to her talk, ultimately. I don't know what I expect. Nobody is going to want any romantic relationship with me-- I'm just a creepy old guy now.  I had a flesh and blood friend here in town, but I couldn't deal with hearing about his great life, his wife, his kid, vacations.... So I can't be friends with someone who is in a marriage/relationship, because they just don't understand what this is like- to be so alone and lost. 

It's just easier to listen to music, watch TV and not deal with anyone but my Mom and brother. That's the only people who even accept me around, though I can't talk to them about my feelings or anything that matters. I'm just shut down and I accept it. I have no expectation for a life without Annette anymore. I just want it to be over with. I'm tired of missing her. 

I'll never matter to anyone ever again. I wish the best for all of you and hope that you all can find some happiness where you can. 

James

[Boho-Soul]

18 hours ago, V. R. said:

I like the way you reserve a special word for each New Year, 'Connections' is a great choice, I have also abandoned all human connection, but I think I need to connect with myself first. Perhaps this could be my NY resolution. 

Hi V.R. 😊 Ya I haven't been on for some time, I've been dealing with some things, but I don't want to post my struggles. I journal the hard stuff and then let it go so I don't focus on them more, but that's just me. Then I focus on the things that make me smile, or that I am grateful for each day, even if it's just rewatching the sweet videos I've taken of my grandson. That always puts a smile on my face, or makes me laugh which brings me joy.

I think connecting with yourself is a fabulous idea. That's an ongoing thing I'm also working on. I think, "Who am I now?" because I will never be able to go back to who I was. It kinda reminds me of when I left my abusive marriage years ago, I instantly became a single mom, and I had the same thought of, "Who am I now?" because I didn't know how to do life as a single mom. Just like now, I don't always know how to do life as a widow. I figured out how to be a single mom sometimes daily, and that's kinda what I'm doing now as I move through life as a widow.

13 hours ago, kayc said:

I find the keyboard is a great way to connect with others but not enough, we need in flesh connections as well.  Good luck with you also, @V. R. both of you are people I admire!

Thx kayc. I totally agree with you about needing in flesh connections. Sometimes you just want someone to give you a hug, can't get that by typing on a keyboard. And words on a screen isn't always the best substitution for real life conversations.

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish the best for all of you and hope that you all can find some happiness where you can. 

Oh my goodness James, sorry your past connections didn't work out. From past posts I know how your situation is so hard. I seriously hope and pray you can find some sense of happiness in 2023. Gosh, everyone on here deserves that 🙏❤️

[V. R.]

6 hours ago, nashreed said:

I haven't posted on here for a while. I still read posts, but there's not a lot of activity usually. 

I have just given up on human connection. I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never have another relationship even remotely close to what Annette and I had, so why bother? Small talk with cashiers at the supermarket doesn't do a thing for me. I tried to develop a friendship (online) with three different widows that I met on here and they all crashed and burned. One of them I thought I had developed a really good communication with- writing and texting- but, she just decided that she would rather not have a friendship with me at all than deal with the disagreements we had. I was too needy. Another lasted exactly a month. We even talked on the phone a couple of times, but again, we were both looking for different things out of it. She just wanted someone to listen to her talk, ultimately. I don't know what I expect. Nobody is going to want any romantic relationship with me-- I'm just a creepy old guy now.  I had a flesh and blood friend here in town, but I couldn't deal with hearing about his great life, his wife, his kid, vacations.... So I can't be friends with someone who is in a marriage/relationship, because they just don't understand what this is like- to be so alone and lost. 

It's just easier to listen to music, watch TV and not deal with anyone but my Mom and brother. That's the only people who even accept me around, though I can't talk to them about my feelings or anything that matters. I'm just shut down and I accept it. I have no expectation for a life without Annette anymore. I just want it to be over with. I'm tired of missing her. 

I'll never matter to anyone ever again. I wish the best for all of you and hope that you all can find some happiness where you can. 

James

Hi James, just like you and Boho, I haven't been on here much. I still find it hard to have 'general chat' conversations with people, my head is always elsewhere. I'm just not connected with this real world any longer, I prefer the comfort of my own home, where I feel my husband close to me. Every time I need to go into town for shopping and other errands, I just can't wait to get back to my home/safety nest, where I can also take my 'nature therapy' walks in our fields (weather-permitting, of course). I'm so glad Christmas/New Year are all over, seemed to last forever. I felt like getting hold of the TV and throwing it out of the window, couldn't bear to see all that holiday stuff. So during  these long lonely winter evenings, I'm just watching films and TV series on Amazon Prime to stop me from thinking too much, a sort of evasion, and  playing adventure games on my tablet. I've reached the 3rd season of Lost, by the way, very strange but captures my curiosity, and keeps my mind  occupied. Although I feel like those people, in a way! 

I'm sorry for your disappointing experiences recently. I don't want to  impose any suggestions,  but maybe you could try to find some sort of interest/hobby which would involve meeting people face to face, rather than depend on online chatting. I know it's easier said than done, for all of us, believe me. You are not alone in this. 

Sending you strength and hoping the coming year will send you more joy and positivity. 

Enza. 

[V. R.]

3 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

think connecting with yourself is a fabulous idea. That's an ongoing thing I'm also working on. I think, "Who am I now?" because I will never be able to go back to who I was. It kinda reminds me of when I left my abusive marriage years ago, I instantly became a single mom, and I had the same thought of, "Who am I now?" because I didn't know how to do life as a single mom. Just like now, I don't always know how to do life as a widow

Thanks Boho. I'm sorry to hear about your past sad experience and finding yourself a single mom. It must have been so hard for you. Yes, this is a 'new normal' we need to adapt to,but I just can't see it that way, at least just not yet. I manage to struggle on by 'taking' my husband with me in everything I do, everything I think, talking to him, asking him for advice as he always had the right solutions, was able to resolve any difficult situation, trying to use his knowledge and wisdom that he has transmitted to us. My daughter frequently asks what would dad do?,  my son's more reserved, keeps it all inside. This is what keeps me going, also for the sake of my children, they have already lost their dad prematurely, they don't need to see their mum going mad. 

Yes, let's all wish better days for all of us. 🌈

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Thx kayc. I totally agree with you about needing in flesh connections. Sometimes you just want someone to give you a hug, can't get that by typing on a keyboard. And words on a screen isn't always the best substitution for real life conversations.

However, there are times you wonder why you bother.  I got lectured royally because I couldn't get my generlink to work, generator works, it's something I'm doing wrong in the connecting.  They said I paid all that $ and should be able to make it work. They said I should go on youtube, I don't learn that way, can never figure out what they're trying to show, images too tiny, I learn best by being shown or if directions are very clear!  (I have and tried to follow directions).  My son can always just figure things out, I know he could show me if he came.  But this person went on and on and berated me.  I wonder how well his wife would do if he died because he always does such things around their house.  Let alone if she had to be on her own totally for 17 1/2 years.  My eyes have a hard time honing in on things, that may be part of it.  Not once did he offer to come look at it!  I don't need lectures.  I can hook my refrigerator up to my generator and my freezer to it and do my business out in the woods when the power is out, not ideal but...

10 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Oh my goodness James, sorry your past connections didn't work out. From past posts I know how your situation is so hard. I seriously hope and pray you can find some sense of happiness in 2023. Gosh, everyone on here deserves that

Yes!

 

[Boho-Soul]

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

Thanks Boho. I'm sorry to hear about your past sad experience and finding yourself a single mom. It must have been so hard for you. Yes, this is a 'new normal' we need to adapt to,but I just can't see it that way, at least just not yet. I manage to struggle on by 'taking' my husband with me in everything I do, everything I think, talking to him, asking him for advice as he always had the right solutions, was able to resolve any difficult situation, trying to use his knowledge and wisdom that he has transmitted to us. My daughter frequently asks what would dad do?,  my son's more reserved, keeps it all inside. This is what keeps me going, also for the sake of my children, they have already lost their dad prematurely, they don't need to see their mum going mad. 

Yes, being a single mom was a challenging time, but I look back now and see that I managed and did the best I could. Just like you now, you keep going for your children's sake, that's what I did as a single mom, I did what was needed for my daughter. I also became empowered realizing that I could do things that needed to be done on my own. Doesn't mean it was smooth sailing as I did have big obstacles to overcome, but I believe the experience strenthened me.

Even now I'm doing what needs to be done, but I make the decisions on my own as my Michael isn't here. Just months after his death my hot water tank went, and as I was trying to figure out what to do my furnance started to fail. If Michael was here he'd just buy new ones. But without his income that wasn't possible for me, so I had to make the decision on what to do. I decided to rent a new high efficient furnace and a hot water heater instead of a water tank, and the monthly payments are manageable.

I'm glad you have your children around Enza, and I like how your daughter asks, 'what would dad do?' 

[nashreed]

12 hours ago, V. R. said:

Hi James, just like you and Boho, I haven't been on here much. I still find it hard to have 'general chat' conversations with people, my head is always elsewhere. I'm just not connected with this real world any longer, I prefer the comfort of my own home, where I feel my husband close to me. Every time I need to go into town for shopping and other errands, I just can't wait to get back to my home/safety nest, where I can also take my 'nature therapy' walks in our fields (weather-permitting, of course). I'm so glad Christmas/New Year are all over, seemed to last forever. I felt like getting hold of the TV and throwing it out of the window, couldn't bear to see all that holiday stuff. So during  these long lonely winter evenings, I'm just watching films and TV series on Amazon Prime to stop me from thinking too much, a sort of evasion, and  playing adventure games on my tablet. I've reached the 3rd season of Lost, by the way, very strange but captures my curiosity, and keeps my mind  occupied. Although I feel like those people, in a way! 

I'm sorry for your disappointing experiences recently. I don't want to  impose any suggestions,  but maybe you could try to find some sort of interest/hobby which would involve meeting people face to face, rather than depend on online chatting. I know it's easier said than done, for all of us, believe me. You are not alone in this. 

Sending you strength and hoping the coming year will send you more joy and positivity. 

Enza. 

My only hobby is music (collecting CD's and listening) and it's a slightly more social hobby than say, birdwatching. 

I used to manage a music chain called FYE (which used to be Wherehouse Music) and there are a couple locations reasonably close. Unfortunately, they are very, very lame these days- mostly focusing on Funko Pop toys and other toys and junk from Japan. They have requisite overpriced vinyl for hipsters, but they don't feel like a music store anymore. The nearest real one is probably in Los Angeles (quite a distance). I chat with other like-minded collectors online in a Facebook group for CD collectors, and I assume they're real people.... But it's not quite the same. 

I was so desperate for "connection" that I looked up an old boss of mine from my retail days. We had a good Facebook Messenger chat this morning. She remembers me with much more fondness than I would have guessed. I really didn't think I made an impression on anyone. Of course, she lives in Iceland now, so a get together isn't possible. But, y'know, in spite of myself, I keep searching for connections. It's human nature...and it sucks and I hate being a slave to it . 

[Boho-Soul]

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

But, y'know, in spite of myself, I keep searching for connections. It's human nature.

You're so right James. We all crave deep connections.  It's in our DNA. We weren't created to live life alone and live with loneliness.

Glad to hear that you'll keep searching. I hope you find connections. And if it means anything - I prayed that very thing for you today 🙏

[nashreed]

Oh, thank you Boho. 

It's very hard to "put yourself out there", even if it's just hoping for a friend. I can't handle rejection very well with my anxiety, and it's stressful trying to say the right thing and trying not to say the wrong thing because I don't want to lose a new connection. It's so much easier to just not even try.... But, I do. 

I miss the ease of my relationship with Annette. No stress, no worrying about offending her (though I know I could- I tend to say what I think without thinking of the other person, especially when I can be myself- whoever that is now). I still can't believe I'll never have that again with anyone (my Mom and brother kinda don't count- they have to put up with me). Thinking about what it took to woo and win Annette so long ago now (1988-91), I could never even fathom having that kind of stamina and tenacity now. 

[Boho-Soul]

5 hours ago, nashreed said:

Oh, thank you Boho. 

It's very hard to "put yourself out there", even if it's just hoping for a friend. I can't handle rejection very well with my anxiety, and it's stressful trying to say the right thing and trying not to say the wrong thing because I don't want to lose a new connection. It's so much easier to just not even try.... But, I do. 

I miss the ease of my relationship with Annette. No stress, no worrying about offending her (though I know I could- I tend to say what I think without thinking of the other person, especially when I can be myself- whoever that is now). I still can't believe I'll never have that again with anyone (my Mom and brother kinda don't count- they have to put up with me). Thinking about what it took to woo and win Annette so long ago now (1988-91), I could never even fathom having that kind of stamina and tenacity now. 

You're welcome James. I prayer almost daily for connections myself, so I'll pray for you at the same time.

It is hard to put yourself out there for sure. When I meet someone new I just enjoy the conversation, however brief, with no expectaions. That way if nothing comes from it there's less of a let down than if I had built up a hope for possible friendship. 

I too miss the familiarity of my relationship with my Michael. One can never have a relationship like the one we had, there will never be another one like the one we lost. If by chance I do meet someone special it will be a different kind of familiar, and a completely different type of relationship. Perhaps just friendship. 

[V. R.]

9 hours ago, nashreed said:

miss the ease of my relationship with Annette. No

 

3 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

too miss the familiarity of my relationship with my Michael. One can never have a relationship like the one we had, there will never be another one

James and Boho, you have both written sacred words here, they echo my thoughts precisely. That's just it, we may be able to have other friendships, but that special bond with our soulmates is incomparable. We were part of each other, a fusion, an "all in one" mix, I actually still think of it that way. They are still part of us and we are part of them, and always will be,no matter what. 

After all, we are  'social animals", we need to connect and talk to others. I seem to be going against this natural instinct though, I even get fed up and irritated when my mum calls me, she starts talking about this and that and I just answer mmmm, yes, huffing and puffing, getting irritated, trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I know she just wants to try and get me back to normality /real life, trying not to think too much, but I just can't. She doesn't realize it's doing me more harm than good. Someone who hasn't gone through the loss of a life partner just cannot comprehend the devastation. I can't talk to her about how I'm feeling, she wouldn't understand, and I've never been one to confide and express my feelings anyway, I've always tended to repress them, causing me many problems with my social life, didn't have many friends, I appeared to others as cold and withdrawn. I even had trouble doing with this with my husband at first, then it all came naturally,as we grew closer. Now, apart from my two grownup kids, my FIL and his wife, I can only relate and converse with everyone  here on this site, who are in the same situation as me, we can empathize with each other. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

I also became empowered realizing that I could do things that needed to be done on my own. Doesn't mean it was smooth sailing as I did have big obstacles to overcome, but I believe the experience strenthened me.

Absolutely!  I have learned the same thing, make the best decision I can.  I'm not good at fixing things myself so my "connections" to people that can do the job are very important to me!  Like the guy that sells me firewood, cleans my roof, chimney, gutters, cuts, inspects, and trims trees for me, starts burn piles.  He's a very essential part of my being able to continue living here!  If I had to hire places to do what he does, I couldn't afford it!  Also knowing what plumber to call, roofer, etc.  Cheapest isn't always best, I've learned (the hard way).  So I always keep these tidbits on reference.

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

she lives in Iceland now

Wow!  That's a real switch!  It's neat to know someone values you though!

15 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

We weren't created to live life alone and live with loneliness.

For sure.  And those connections, however small, make a difference!  Mine is my neighbors, it's amazing what a couple of walks do a day, not only for exercise and our serenity, but also you do get to know your neighbors and they you.  I've lived her the longest (45 years) and am second oldest on the street, they all know me and Kodie, the connection is important..

14 hours ago, nashreed said:

Thinking about what it took to woo and win Annette so long ago

I understand, James!  And that's one thing I don't feel up to doing at my age!  But you're a lot younger, connections can be made online if willing to put in the effort, it's not for me, but it's a consideration.  I know someone a few years younger who found her husband that way and is very happy!  (Her husband had passed from cancer.)

8 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

When I meet someone new I just enjoy the conversation, however brief, with no expectaions.

Your reasoning sounds good!  Without getting hopes up how can we get let down!

8 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

there will never be another one like the one we lost.

For sure.  And we had it all, I realize how lucky we were to have met and clicked like we did!  Definitely soulmates.

@V. R.I don't even have it with my kids, parents long gone, sister died a few months ago (oh man do I miss that connection!) so no connecting with my family, but a bit with neighbors, I kind of lost the "friendships" I'd built when Covid came along.  Used to get together with ladies on Fridays, have lunch, didn't much care for the t.v. part they shared, also used to get together with a couple of friends and play scrabble, share lunch, about once a month, now these are gone and it's amazing how much I miss it.  No easy answers, that's for sure, just keep making effort and hoping someday it might pan out a bit.  I kind of lean towards being a hermit but know that's not the answer so I fight it a bit.

[Boho-Soul]

On 1/7/2023 at 11:24 PM, V. R. said:

Someone who hasn't gone through the loss of a life partner just cannot comprehend the devastation.

This is so true. Those who have experienced a loss can understand grief, but the loss of a spouse is a completely different category of loss. Everyone's loss situation is so unique, so if there is added complexities, like there is with my scenario, then who can really relate to your experience. I'm thankful for my therapist's insights, support and therapeutic level of understanding. It's nice to see them just so I can let out my latest angst and get their perspective on moving forward.