I feel like I'm on a different planet

[Novi]

Mom,

If you were still here you would be proud of me, I think. I've made so many mistakes. Mistakes when you were still on earth and many more after you left. I broke the only promise you made me keep, that I wouldn't follow in dad's footsteps. But I did, and I did it well. I turned to the bottle instead of dealing with your death, and I made an attempt on my life. For years I stayed in this mindset, I just wanted to numb my pain rather than face it. 

This year everything changed. After over a decade I put the bottle down. I never even struggled with it either, which I still don't get. Maybe you are watching over me from above, if above exists. 

Two months ago I took an opportunity at work, one that had come up a few times in the past which I wasn't ready for. But this year I was ready. I switched from the grueling, forever-alone night shift and went on to work days. It made me miss going to the lake during summer with you even more, seeing the sun so much. 

But something was still missing. I'm still looking for it but now I know what it is. Confidence. Working the day shift seemed to boost it a bit and I felt that I could do better. So I started my search. And yesterday I was offered a job that pays much better, and it's a much better shift - Monday to Friday instead of these never-ending 12 hour shifts that are all over the place. Getting this job was bittersweet because even though it's time for me to move on, the place I worked at for so long have been good to me. They've endured a lot of my instabilities. They helped when I got into my accident last year. They gave me a second chance when I left in frustration. 

I'm giving them a full 2 rotations of notice so they can find someone to replace me, something I don't think I would have done in the past. 

Things are changing so much this year, and I know change is what I need but I just feel so lost right now. I feel like I've woken up in a strange place and I don't even recognize myself. Getting offered this job opportunity made me think of you. I remember during the recession of 2009 I struggled so much to find work after graduating college. When you got home from work I greeted you with the news that I'd finally found a job. You were so excited for me, we went out for dinner to celebrate. Dinner and red wine. I miss those days. I miss you so much. I miss going to the lake with you. I wish you were here to celebrate with me now. I wish this new planet I'm on had you on it too. It's lonely here without you. 

[MartyT]

I understand your missing your mom so much as you so desperately wish she were here to celebrate with you ~ but even though you cannot share your good news with her in person, perhaps you might find some way to do so symbolically. For example, you could write a letter to your mom, telling her all about your new job opportunity. The love you have for your mother has not died, and she lives on in you just as long as you keep her memory alive in your heart. She is part of your very DNA. As long as you live, so will a part of her live on in you. In that sense, she is on this new planet with you, but in a different form. Carry her in your heart. Bring her with you, live your new life in her honor, and know that you are not alone. ❤️

[kayc]

Congratulations on your new job!

Missing someone special is with us the rest of our lives here, and will be until we're together again, for me, my husband and dogs and cats, my sisters, for you, your mom.  They are with us all the time...only a whisper away.  (((hugs)))

[Novi]

14 hours ago, MartyT said:

I understand your missing your mom so much as you so desperately wish she were here to celebrate with you ~ but even though you cannot share your good news with her in person, perhaps you might find some way to do so symbolically. For example, you could write a letter to your mom, telling her all about your new job opportunity. The love you have for your mother has not died, and she lives on in you just as long as you keep her memory alive in your heart. She is part of your very DNA. As long as you live, so will a part of her live on in you. In that sense, she is on this new planet with you, but in a different form. Carry her in your heart. Bring her with you, live your new life in her honor, and know that you are not alone. ❤️

Thank you Marty. Certain events happen sometimes and I just long to see her again. Even if just for a few minutes. I will never understand people that treat their parents like crap, they don't realize what they have (the ones with good parents I mean). I know a few people like that. I would go for coffee with their mum if it wasn't so strange lol. 

I never felt comfortable writing letters to my loved ones. It always feels off. I was going to just write this thread in first person but then I wrote it to my mom so it's sort of like a letter I guess. What do people usually do with the letters they write? You did give me an idea though, I'm going to work on it today.

[Novi]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Congratulations on your new job!

Missing someone special is with us the rest of our lives here, and will be until we're together again, for me, my husband and dogs and cats, my sisters, for you, your mom.  They are with us all the time...only a whisper away.  (((hugs)))

Thanks Kayc.

My cats are special too, especially Beck. I know he's sent me some signs in the past. One is actually quite undeniable, even as mostly a non believer I can't explain what happened. 

I'm looking forward to this new job. My job now is okay but I've been unhappy for a while. The final straw was having a coworker call me stupid and tell me I'm terrible at my job. He took his bad mood out on me and got away with it. It is just a matter of time before he gets like this again. He's done it to others. Being bipolar doesn't excuse abuse towards your coworkers. I cant work in a place that allows this. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Novi said:

even as mostly a non believer I can't explain what happened. 

Accept what you feel in your heart, believe in what you know even though you can't explain it, there's so much more to life/death/afterlife than "science!"  Science is man's way of trying to make sense of things...but some things just are, and defy explanation!  I know what I know the night George came to me, cannot explain it, but know it.  I'd called soc. sec. to find out what I'd get as I was broke after four years of not working, the lady that answered after an hour of holding clearly wanted to be off work. She told me I'd get $250/month. Instantly my anxiety hit the roof! I couldn't live on that with a mortgage, etc. how could that be after working all my life! I tried to get her to doublecheck, nope, wouldn't do it. Told me to call my local office. I called, they'd just left, for a three day weekend. I'd have to wait until Tuesday!

I was laying on my bed that night, face down, when I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder area. It INSTANTLY calmed me, as only he could!  I'd know his touch anywhere, even though it'd been years since he died.  That calm last me until Tuesday, I called the local office, got a wonderful man who filed soc. sec. for me, even setting up Medicare to come out, he was wonderful...I didn't have to do anything, fill out forms, go anywhere.  And I was able to pay my mortgage, utilities, phone, insurance.

No way can I explain this, only that it happened, and if that's the only time I ever get something like that, it'll carry me the rest of my life.

As I pray your cat does with you.

And I agree, you can't work for a place that treats you like that or allows others to.  I wish you the best going forward!

[MartyT]

23 hours ago, Novi said:

What do people usually do with the letters they write?

Some set a match to their letters, letting the smoke carry their contents to the sky ~ a symbolic way of sending their message to the spirit of their loved one. You can bury the letter, or release it to a body of water, or just save it and put it in a safe place. The idea is to contruct a ritual that holds meaning for you.

See, for example, Grief Rituals and the Healing Process:

"In grief, rituals are an important part of the healing process. Rituals provide order to the chaos of grief. They usually involve distinctive ingredients such as candles, food, a special space or place. Rituals have a beginning, a middle and an end. They speak to our hearts and legitimize our emotions while forcing us to focus on the present.

"Rituals create bridges for moving from one psychosocial status to another. From spouse to widow or from child to orphan, rituals can help with the transition.  Anything that has special meaning to us may be part of our mourning ritual, from displaying photographs to bringing flowers to the grave. Again, any act done with intention can be a ritual. It’s about the intention — not just going through the motions."   ❤️

[Novi]

10 hours ago, MartyT said:

Some set a match to their letters, letting the smoke carry their contents to the sky ~ a symbolic way of sending their message to the spirit of their loved one. You can bury the letter, or release it to a body of water, or just save it and put it in a safe place. The idea is to contruct a ritual that holds meaning for you.

See, for example, Grief Rituals and the Healing Process:

"In grief, rituals are an important part of the healing process. Rituals provide order to the chaos of grief. They usually involve distinctive ingredients such as candles, food, a special space or place. Rituals have a beginning, a middle and an end. They speak to our hearts and legitimize our emotions while forcing us to focus on the present.

"Rituals create bridges for moving from one psychosocial status to another. From spouse to widow or from child to orphan, rituals can help with the transition.  Anything that has special meaning to us may be part of our mourning ritual, from displaying photographs to bringing flowers to the grave. Again, any act done with intention can be a ritual. It’s about the intention — not just going through the motions."   ❤️

Thank you for the info. I want to try something like this, and I like the idea of the smoke carrying my contents to the sky. I think I would like to do it at her grave and mix the ashes in the dirt too. 

I'm struggling really hard right now, I've been thinking of her pretty much non stop since I got this new job. I never thought something so simple could trigger so much grief again, especially after this many years. It suddenly feels so fresh again. 

[Novi]

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Accept what you feel in your heart, believe in what you know even though you can't explain it, there's so much more to life/death/afterlife than "science!"  Science is man's way of trying to make sense of things...but some things just are, and defy explanation!  I know what I know the night George came to me, cannot explain it, but know it.  I'd called soc. sec. to find out what I'd get as I was broke after four years of not working, the lady that answered after an hour of holding clearly wanted to be off work. She told me I'd get $250/month. Instantly my anxiety hit the roof! I couldn't live on that with a mortgage, etc. how could that be after working all my life! I tried to get her to doublecheck, nope, wouldn't do it. Told me to call my local office. I called, they'd just left, for a three day weekend. I'd have to wait until Tuesday!

I was laying on my bed that night, face down, when I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder area. It INSTANTLY calmed me, as only he could!  I'd know his touch anywhere, even though it'd been years since he died.  That calm last me until Tuesday, I called the local office, got a wonderful man who filed soc. sec. for me, even setting up Medicare to come out, he was wonderful...I didn't have to do anything, fill out forms, go anywhere.  And I was able to pay my mortgage, utilities, phone, insurance.

No way can I explain this, only that it happened, and if that's the only time I ever get something like that, it'll carry me the rest of my life.

As I pray your cat does with you.

And I agree, you can't work for a place that treats you like that or allows others to.  I wish you the best going forward!

I love that George came to bring you comfort. I never used to believe things like that but now I'm more open to it. The thought of after life brings me comfort because just the idea of never seeing my mom, or Beck, or even my dad (and everyone I have lost and will lose) ever again is just too much to bear. 

And thank you, I hope this new job will treat me well. For the most part my last job did too but too many little things just added up over time. It really was time for me to move on. Hopefully I make new friends on the way, I could use more interaction in my life. 

[kayc]

And I hope that for you. My last job was horrible, LONG expensive commute, a doofus for a boss and young people that had never gone through anything in life and showed up when they wanted, left when they wanted, they took double time breaks.  My previous job was wonderful, my dream job, dream boss, dream coworkers...THAT is what I wish for you!

And you will see your mom and Beck again...believe.

[iPraiseHim]

On 8/2/2023 at 1:32 PM, Novi said:

I never felt comfortable writing letters to my loved ones. It always feels off. I was going to just write this thread in first person but then I wrote it to my mom so it's sort of like a letter I guess. What do people usually do with the letters they write? You did give me an idea though, I'm going to work on it today.

I write to my beloved wife and to God. They are saved and encrypted on my computer. They are my thoughts and feelings. It helps me to get them out of my head and on electronic notes that I can release. It helps me and gives me Peace. May you find the method that works best for you.  - Shalom (Peace)

 

[MartyT]

Writing As A Healing Tool in Grief   ❤️

[Novi]

On 8/5/2023 at 7:27 AM, kayc said:

And I hope that for you. My last job was horrible, LONG expensive commute, a doofus for a boss and young people that had never gone through anything in life and showed up when they wanted, left when they wanted, they took double time breaks.  My previous job was wonderful, my dream job, dream boss, dream coworkers...THAT is what I wish for you!

And you will see your mom and Beck again...believe.

I truly hope this is a change in the right direction. At this point any change is a good one. If the job I am going to doesn't sit well with me I'll keep looking. 

And thank you. I believe there has to be something even if it's not literally seeing them again. Just to be with them in some form of energy is a nice thought. 

[Novi]

7 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I write to my beloved wife and to God. They are saved and encrypted on my computer. They are my thoughts and feelings. It helps me to get them out of my head and on electronic notes that I can release. It helps me and gives me Peace. May you find the method that works best for you.  - Shalom (Peace)

 

The only thing I do is keep a journal which are just anything between my own thoughts or how my day went. It's more for a place to vent and let out my feelings. I like it better than speaking to a therapist. Thank you, I hope to find a method. I do want to speak to my loved ones but I haven't found a way that works for me yet. I sometimes visit my mom at her grave but even then I don't say anything. I just sit there in silence and cry for a while. It's depressing really and makes me not want to go. I definitely need to try something different.

[Novi]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

Writing As A Healing Tool in Grief   ❤️

Thank you for the link. I keep a journal but I think a letter to my loved ones would be worth a try. And writing it in my journal just feels wrong so I won't do that. It will have to be separate. But I think I will try writing to mom and then burning the letter like you mentioned earlier. I really like that idea. 

[kayc]

I have used this in the loss of my husband and also with my beloved pets.  It helps.