I am not reacting well to my father’s sudden death caused by heart attack

[Kayana]

Hi, about three months ago i lost my father through heart attack. It was a very sudden death because he has always been very healthy and up until the moment he died he didn’t show any signs of physical pain other than the few complaints he had about his chest feeling pain. I didn’t react to the whole ordeal really well, it changed my life completely. His death made me feel awfully conscious about death and full of “who’s gonna be next” thoughts, and i feel physically tired of it. I think it’s the fact that i now realize that death is real and it’s a universal experience that makes it really unsettling for me, i can’t help myself but to fear night time because of it, i just don’t feel safe. It is worth mentioning that a day before my father passed, we were celebrating a family function. This past few days it has dawned on me that you really don’t know what’s coming towards you. He was laughing and smiling yesterday while enjoying home made meals, yet he’s no longer with us the next day. Part of me is also very uncomfortable with the thought of what my father had to experience in the last 24 hours of his life. On the morning of the day he died, he was visibly very concerned of something, he followed everyone everywhere, he even called for a day off from his office because he felt like something is off. Apparently something really is going on, and he died suddenly, with no warnings, nothing. Now, whenever i feel worry building up inside of me, it reminds me of death, of what happened to my father, i’m scared it might happen to me too, i am now 19 years old. Has anyone ever experienced something similar? please share your experience because i feel like i’m going insane, thank you so much!

[MartyT]

First of all, my dear, please know that I am so very sorry to learn of the sudden, totally unexpected death of your father ~ especially when you yourself are so young. Next, I want to assure you that your reactions are normal and understandable under the circumstances. In a single instant, everything you knew and thought you understood about life got turned upside down, and the world as you've known it got totally changed forever. That is enough to put anyone over the edge, especially if this is your first experience with a significant loss. It's only natural to think, if this could happen to your father, then certainly it could happen to you ~ or to anyone else you love, for that matter ~ suddenly, out of the blue, without any warning at all.

This is why it can be so helpful to find someone you know and trust, someone you can talk to, someone who can help you look at all of this and evaluate it more objectively. That can be a friend, a trusted relative, or even a therapist / counselor who specializes in bereavement.

If you find that sharing your story here with us is enough, that is wonderful too, and we will do all we can to support you and help you come to a better understanding of your grief and what you might do to better manage your own reactions.

You might begin by reading a bit about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief. Click on these titles to read on ~ and note that additional readings are listed at the base of each article:

Grief: Understanding The Process

Traumatic Loss: Surviving A Parent's Sudden, Accidental Death

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss, my friend is in the hospital right now with CHF, my own dad died at 62 when I was in my 20s expecting my first child, his heart attack was brought on by the stress from radiation all over his back due to skin cancer.  My best friend just finished radiation after cancer treatment for three years, it's hard to watch the people we love going through this.

Heart is often brought on by inflammation due to seed oils, try to avoid them.  Stick to avocado oil, olive oil, coconut oil, avoid saffola, canola, etc.  Don't look at heredity as a doom, but use it to arm yourself with information and turn your health into your favor...sorry, I'm an admin. of a Diabetic site, it's in my blood.

I am very sorry you lost your dad, I'm 71 now so mine died many years ago, we continue to miss them even as time passes.  I believe we will be together again.  

 

[happytreesloth]

Hi Kayana, I am so sorry. I lost my Dad in September from a heart attack as well. We talked the day before and I was tired and grumpy. But we talked. We had a blast partying when he came 2 weeks prior to celebrate my Uncle's and Aunt's birthdays. He just got certain things including his money from  his job( he cashed out and left 14 years before he could  retire but had to wait due to my parent's divorce that held money up). He was newly divorced and tho mourning that was going to a new chapter. He was working on training people in boxing, he just emailed about a massage program in Thailand and we were planning to go together for advancement in our different careers. I was so excited as we worked on the issues of the past while embarking on our futures,  together!  I texted the day he passed. He texted me back and 30 minutes later he was gone.

I have anxiety disorder and other mental health issues but was really working on the feeling that life doesn't always turn upside down. It has happened often because of people. Because of family issues. But this time as I was just letting myself ease a bit-this happened. 

My anxiety has skyrocketed and dreams feel shattered. I am trying to each day take it a lil bit at a time. The first month I was around family. I brushed my hair and took showers. Now it gets harder for me( and I love showers) and I roll out of bed for the seasonal work I do twice a week. Pay a couple of bills. finally combed my curly hair after 2 weeks. 

I don't have advice-just wanted to let you know I feel a bit what you are going through. There are differences for everyone but the shock, your world going upside down and hole gapping feeling, the anxiety. The one moment smiling and next moment this person you cherish and is your foundation almost "vanishing". That thing-I feel you. Any questions let me know. I hope you have waves of peace, some type of joy seep in. It is really hard. I am going to take some advice from the people who responded to you. We are very early in our grief. Sending you love.

[kayc]

In 2008 my doctor prescribed Valium for my anxiety, I didn't want that, it's very addictive (Remember Valley of the Dolls?), two days on it and I couldn't do my job or drive, I took myself off of it and looked up info on different meds...I didn't want something that would alter my brain, just something to take the edge off a bit so I could cope.  I found Buspar (Buspirone) and take the lowest dose.  I've had no side effects and it's helped me, I imagine I'll be on it for life as I was diagnosed GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and I had it even as a child.  I printed out the info and took it to my doctor, who got sarcastic with me (I told him it's my body, I have a vested interest in it!) but prescribed it.  I did better than he had!  

My friend was having problems with her anxiety meds so I told her about it, and she talked with her doctor and within a week it was working, also no side effects and much safer than what she'd been on for ages.  

[happytreesloth]

Thank you @kayc. I will do some more research and find a doctor this month. I definitely think I am going to need a small dosage of something. Thank you for sharing an experience where medication in a smaller dosage helps. I am so glad you listened to your body and got off the Valium quickly and tried something else! When I was a teenager I was on a slew of medication. Got off it when 17 and 18 years old and then was scared to ever try again. I have to remember I can advocate for myself as an adult and tell a doctor what I need. 

[kayc]

Yes, it's important to be our own advocate.

[Kayana]

On 10/20/2023 at 4:12 AM, MartyT said:

First of all, my dear, please know that I am so very sorry to learn of the sudden, totally unexpected death of your father ~ especially when you yourself are so young. Next, I want to assure you that your reactions are normal and understandable under the circumstances. In a single instant, everything you knew and thought you understood about life got turned upside down, and the world as you've known it got totally changed forever. That is enough to put anyone over the edge, especially if this is your first experience with a significant loss. It's only natural to think, if this could happen to your father, then certainly it could happen to you ~ or to anyone else you love, for that matter ~ suddenly, out of the blue, without any warning at all.

This is why it can be so helpful to find someone you know and trust, someone you can talk to, someone who can help you look at all of this and evaluate it more objectively. That can be a friend, a trusted relative, or even a therapist / counselor who specializes in bereavement.

If you find that sharing your story here with us is enough, that is wonderful too, and we will do all we can to support you and help you come to a better understanding of your grief and what you might do to better manage your own reactions.

You might begin by reading a bit about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief. Click on these titles to read on ~ and note that additional readings are listed at the base of each article:

Grief: Understanding The Process

Traumatic Loss: Surviving A Parent's Sudden, Accidental Death

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

 

@MartyT thank you so much for the reply, it helps me a lot to understand my reaction a bit better. I have a question, is it a normal reaction to always unconsciously associate myself with my father’s death?

for example :

My father experienced many new things on his last year of living. He attended a concert for the first time few months before he died, and in the near future I will be attending a concert too. I can’t help myself but to think that I am going to experience what my father experienced after the concert, even though I have no reasons and I’m in a perfectly healthy condition right now.

is that normal? is there anything i can do to stop thinking that way? thank you so much!

[Kayana]

@happytreesloth I’m so sorry to hear what you went through, I relate to your experience so much. About two hours before my father died, we were texting about new pair of shoes that I’ve been wanting for a while, not long after that he’s gone forever. I probably would never understand the suddenness, and it will be hard for me to get over the regret and unsaid words, but i hope I’ll get over it in the future. I also had a very hard time on the second month after his passing, I stopped having afternoon walk, I stopped listening to music, and i got prescribed with sleeping pills because my body reacted badly with antidepressant (fluoxetine). Having better sleeping schedule really helped me minimize the anxiety and the messy thoughts. I also felt a lot better after i started taking care of myself again, showering before sleep really helped me a lot as well.

I’m definitely still not over what happened, I still miss my father at the most random times, and I still cry because of the overwhelming feeling sometimes, but I’m working on it and I just started a new therapy session with a new psychologist that understands me really well, I hope things work out.

Hoping all the best for you too btw! It’s not easy, but I hope we’ll find our own ways to deal with our early stage of grief through this forum. Lots of love!

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Kayana said:

is that normal? is there anything i can do to stop thinking that way? thank you so much!

If it's happening to you, then I would say that it is normal for YOU ~ in the sense that it fits with how you've been reacting to the sudden, unexpected death of your father. As for what you can do to stop thinking that way, there are lots of suggestions you can find online to help. See, for example, How to Stop Instrusive Thoughts. You might also bring this up as one of the talking points to discuss with your therapist. ❤️