My Son Is Gone

[Mattsmom]

I just join this group today. I am hoping that posting something will make me feel less lonely. My son died April 23, 2006. He was 11-years old and the most beautiful boy, I am not saying that just because I am his mother, many have said this. He was beautiful inside and out, extremely sensitive, caring and had a hard short life. Two years ago he was dx with a severe blood disorder and was hospitalized many times and went through chemotherapy and several surgeries. The Sunday after Easter, me and my daughter found him hanging from his ceiling fan in his bedroom. I blame myself and many other people as well. The med's they had him on made him depressed and I should have seen the signs. About a month before he died, he threatened to kill himself. I should have seen the warning signs, but I thought he was throwing a tantrum to get his way. I told him I would not make him take the treatments anymore, but the doctor came into his room the week before he died and said she was going to schedule another round of chemo. This made him very angry and sad. The day he hung himself, I went out for the day with my daughter and he was very upset and jealous. I spoke with him at 7:16 pm on the phone and got home at 7:26. I made him dinner and went to his room to find him. If I had only gone to his room before making dinner he would be with today. I do the what if game and why over and over. I really believe there is no greater loss than a child. We were so close and I love him more than life. I pray for god to take me many times a day. I just want to be with him, hold him, feel him, smell him and hear his sweet voice again. I feel like I am just going though the motions of living at times, I think the only reason I continue is because I have a daughter who 14. I wonder which child needs me more, I just try and think he is in gods hands. I was never a very religious person, but I find myself praying a lot lately. I wish I had the answers. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, but losing them to suicide is even worse. This is one of the first times I have been completely honest. My familly tells people it was an accident, but I know in my heart he wanted to die. Knowing that he was so sad and felt like he had know other choice is killing me. I feel like a victim. I am sorry this is so long but I guess I just needed to vent. Please forgive me.

[LoriW]

Mattsmom,

I am so so sorry. I a cannot even begin to imagine your pain, anguish and loss. I cannot offer any advise other than this place is full of caring people you can come to. My prayers are with you and your family.

[dpodesta]

Mattsmom,

I is normal when you have a loss like this to want God to take you so you can be with the one you lost. You said that you don't know which child needs you most, I can say that your daughter is the one that needs you right now. Matt is in heaven with God and He is taking care of him. Can you imange what your daughter would go through losing you also. I have to think about that myself alot. I lost my wife on April 6th of this year and have a 7 year old son. He is what is keeping me here, I can't imange what he would go through if he were to lose me also.

Praying to God has nothing to do with religion, it is an open conversation with God. God has a reason as to why Matt took his life and succeded. If it wasn't Matt's time then he would still be alive no matter what you did. Everyone has a time as to when they are going to die and only God knows when that time is, and there is nothing we can do to change that time. I played the what if game a lot after Karen died and I finally had to come to relize there was nothing I could have done to stop her from dying. You are doing the right thing coming here and being completely open, I have found that you can post any thing here without having someone put you down for it. You are in the right place and doing the right things. You are interested in recovery or you wouldn't have posted here. I can't pretend to know exactly what you are going through right now because my son is still living, and I don't know how I would feel if he were to die, he is my whole world right now. But I do know there are people here that will help you travel this road of grief that have been in your situation. Keep praying to God, He will give you the strength to keep living and growing. I will keep you in my prayers as well. God is carrying you through this. Keep coming back to this site.

Ps. don't worry about the length of your posts do what you need to do to grieve.

[lorikelly]

I AM SO SORRY FOR YOU LOSS. I CANT IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST FEEL LIKE. MY OLDER SON IS 11 AND I KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. PLS DON'T BLAME YOURSELF I KNOW THAT IS EASIER SAID THEN DONE. I BELIEVE HE IS IN HEAVEN KNOW AND HAS NO MORE PAIN OR SADNESS. YOUR DAUGHTER IS HERE AND SHE NEEDS YOU NOW. YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING ON FOR HER. NEVER STOP , YOU DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT ALSO. KEEP ON GOING AND KEEP ON PRAYING YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.

[shell]

Mattsmom,

I can only echo what the others have said, that I am so sorry for your loss and can't imagine what you are going through. That must be the hardest loss of all. I wanted to tell you about a friend of mine in high school. He had an accident as a youngster and lost one of his eyes, and had a rather disfunctional family life. He committed suicide and I remember talking with his sister and telling her how sorry I was. She said, "At least he's happy now." She looked very peaceful when she said it, and I know she loved her brother very much. I don't know if this story will help you, but every time I have lost someone to suicide I think of that, they they are finally happy and at peace.

I wish peace for you and your daughter. Hopefully together you can come to some kind of understanding of it all. Hang onto each other tight and you will make it through this terrible time. And, please, do not blame yourself.

Hugs to you both,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Mattsmom,

I too can not imagine what pain you must be feeling at this moment, I only can say this I will pray for you and your daughter and hope with God's love and His strength you will find a way to go on. Please be assured that your son did know that you loved him but he was ill and the medication he was on probably had some reasons for his state of mind. God Bless You and your daughter and take care of yourselves Shelley

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[angel588]

My son is gone too.. He died in an avoidable accident though...I guess we all have what ifs...the living people really make it harder to deal with..we will never ever be the same...I wonder what do I do with myself now...you have have my deepest sympathy...you touched my heart and I am so sorry for you...I wish for you some peace..My father committed suicide when I was a child...I don't think they mean to leave US..just the pain..this is a wonderful site and I have sounded off more than once here...no one understands until you've been there..bless you and yours

[STARKISS]

Hi angel588,

I am very, very sorry for your loss, and you are right I do not know how it is to lose a child but after reading your post I just had to write... I will keep you in my prayers and take care of yourself Shelley

[shell]

I remember hearing that the Germans, I think, used to say, "Death is a luxury". I think that for some people (and particularly people who, for whatever reason, commit suicide) this may be true. Whatever pain they are suffering has made life not bearable anymore and that in death, they finally find peace. I am so sorry for the people left behind. It is a terrible cross to bear in life...with all the "what-ifs" and the questions that will never be answered. My heart truly goes out to both of you.

Hugs,

Shell