Formal Introduction, And Hello!

[Roswell]

I've been lurking here for quite sometime, obviously just reading as this is my first post. Wow...just wow! Some of your

backgrounds/histories are utterly over whelming to listen to. In some measure, I feel guilty mourning my loss as heavily

as I do in comparison to most of you.

Suppose you'd like a hear a little bit 'bout me before I continue. I'm 41 (42) the 27th of this month) and currently residing in

the state of New Mexico. Born and raised in Pennsylvania, I lived there my entire life up until I lost my SO 18 months ago.

Tossed away a job of nearly 18 years, had my home listed and sold just weeks after her swift departure. Really, I was

incapable of staying there.

A bit about her, she was a 41 year old French-Canadian artist living in Windsor, Ontario Canada. Yea, a long distance

relationship. It worked, and seeing each other every 2-3 weeks was something to look forward to. Rather difficult to explain,

absence makes the heart grow fonder. We had just spent the Christmas and New Years holiday together. She and her son

had made the long 10 hour drive home, back to Ontario. She managed to shoot me an e-mail to say that they had arrived

safely. Apparently, after composing and sending off the e-mail, she arose and instantly passed due to a brain aneurysm.

To be honest, I ran away...couldn't deal, as everything was a constant reminder. I removed myself completely in hopes of

alleviating some of the pain. However, sadly, it followed me here. I somehow thought that surrounding myself in beauty

(this picturesque environment) I'd escape some of the agony I was putting myself through. I put my items in storage,

hopped in the car and drove for days on end only stopping to fuel. I landed here, hence (Roswell), yep...where the Aliens

supposedly made their infamous invasion, if you believe in such nonsense.

Anyway, like most of you, I'm living day-to-day...seemingly on borrowed time. I don't really want to be here any longer,

I know God has a master plan for me...yet he only leaves bread crumbs along the trail. Although I'm quite angry with him,

and often question his authority and decisions...I stay stead-fast and true to him. He will provide for me in my hour of

darkest needs. I get the impression that he's not too particular fond of me at this time, with good cause. Anger is quite

a tool.

I've removed myself from society, kinda closed my heart. Certain I'll never let anyone else in...protecting myself.

Lost my Father when I was just 8 years old, this pain and disparity is nothing new to me. I can hack it! Or so I keep

telling myself. All is not lost!

So that was the short version, rendition, be happy...I can grow rather long-winded when writing.

Best wishes to you, and warmest of regards to all, may God be with you.

William

PS. May you begin to live as you were always meant to, and so righteously deserve. (tip from a friend)

[chrissy777]

Hello William and welcome,

I am somewhat new here myself and somewhat new to widowhood. Dont feel like your loss wasnt as significant as others. You lost someone who was so important to you that you had to change your whole entire life around that is pretty significant. I am from Pennsylvania also (where I have lived my whole life) Northeastern Pa. My husband and I had Plans to move to San Antonio some day when he "got better". I lost my husband to cancer on July 5th 2006. He was getting a bone marrow transplant in Philly and had major complications he was 36 I am 24 (25 next month) Sometimes I feel like I just want to run away too, but I dont think I am strong enough to do that. Part of me wants to keep our dream of moving to Texas, butI know its just a fleeting thought. I have to say that this web site is one of the best things I have found to help me cope and I hope it helps you too. Look forward to hearing from you more and God Bless.

Chrissy

[ustwo]

William, Chrissy...I am so sorry to find more broken hearts and spirits here. This became my runaway place...where I could hang on to my sanity. I have become more of a reader than a writer at my 14th month on this journey. I think I have exhausted every emotion possible...some I knew were there and some I never could have imagined. Here everyone understands and here someone will always reach out to help you through the darkest of times.

In the beginning I also just wanted to runaway. I found different ways to do that but realized that I could not run from the pain. I nearly sold my home two weeks after Gene passed from CHF and then realized that I had to be here..here where I could be alone with my memories. For me it is where I feel safe from the world that doesn't understand this pain. I know very few people here since this was an early retirement move...I didn't have to face people I knew everyday. So William..I understand running away and why. Chrizzy, when you get ready you'll make that trip to Texas. All those first steps are so hard...I force myself...I know it's part of healing..what Gene would want me to do. My first trip was heart-wrenching...a trip back to Gene's home town. I had to pull off the road several times to give my heart time to calm down and to let the tears fall but I did it.

Someone wise told me it is ok to do what I feel the need to do or not do. And for months I gave myself permission to do nothing for every day...I was too emotionally paralized. Take a deep breathe in the moment and remember you don't have to decide about anything unless you want to. And whatever you do or not do, it's ok for you. I still runaway sometimes but not as often. I count months now instead of listening to the ticking clock as time passed by the minute.

William, I hope you find peace in Roswell. For years Gene and I traveled through Roswell. We're all trying to find our way...some in new places...some in familiar places. We're here because we are on a journey...none of us wanted it. Our love and memories are in our hearts and travel with us always. Write when you need to...we listen and understand.

Chrissy, you are never alone when you are at this site. I don't know if we'll ever heal completely but you will find strength to take baby steps. And someone will be here to help you along the way.

Moments of peace for everyone.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

William,

I am so sorry that you lost your significant other. One of my worst fears was that I'd lose George before we got married and since we were soulmates I wanted bound to him forever. I now realize that it wasn't the piece of paper that mattered, it's not what joined our hearts, it was our love that did. We started out in a long distance relationship, writing. I recently read that the strongest relationships are built through long distance, and I think it's because you have to make more effort to make it work and be creative in showing your love. Certainly there are those relationships that do that without being long distance, but even so it is easier to take for granted what you have every day. My loss was also sudden and it shocks your system to the core. I hope you find peace in the beauty that surrounds you. Of one thing I am certain, God is not angry with you, He is very understanding of our hurt, confusion, pain and He is patient about waiting for us to come around...I have learned that He has very broad shoulders and "can take it". But when things in life don't go our way, it is easy to blame Him and feel like He must hate us.

Have you found another job where you are at? Have you tried to build any kind of a life for yourself? That is the hard part...if I hadn't been forced to "get out" I probably wouldn't have, but being broke, I've had to...right now my job just ended and I'm forced to get out and do those dreaded job searches and interviews. Ugh!

We're all different ages and have travelled different paths, but we have this one thing in common: we are deeply hurting in the loss of the one we love and we are grappling to deal with the aftermath...and we are here for each other...you included. Please feel free to come back to this site and post as much as you want. Sometimes it helps just to get it all out. There have been times I have poured out my heart and if anyone has tired of hearing from me, they haven't said so. We are a family of sorts...welcome.

Edited August 10, 2006 by kayc

[chrissy777]

Kay C ,

We could never get tired of hearing from you, you have wonderful advice and input.

Chrissy

[Guest PattiZ54]

Hi William - it's nice to meet you. I, too, am very sorry for your loss. . A friend of mine's father passed away from an aneurism many years ago. They DO happen quite quickly!

18 months? You are close to the time frame that I am on. I lost my husband, Charlie, Nov. 16, 2004, so I'm coming up on 21 months. I can hardly believe that two years is just around the corner. It's amazing how quickly it seems to have gone by. I still miss him more than he will ever know. We had been together for a little more than 20 years - he was 46 years old. He passed away from cancer due to systemic scleroderma. Even tho we knew he wasn't in the best health, he was only diagnosed with cancer about 7 weeks before he passed away.

It's a sad journey that we are all on, but we're trying our best to continue on with our lives as our loved ones would want us to do. I hope you will come here often.(and not just "watch" us...) As it has been said previously, we're "family" and we would love to have you be a part of that. We are here to listen and to help in anyway we can. There are a lot of understanding and caring people here and if we can do anything to make your journey easier, we want to.

Take care and hope to hear from you soon.