One Year Tail Spin

[FUNNYFACE]

Well...once again I feel the need to sit here and unload. It was a year ago this week that things in my life started to unravel...My mother had a mastectomy for cancer at 83...there was no other choice...and just gave up..and the downward spiral started. I thought that I was doing so well...was really proud of myself for reaching this point in my grieving process than my childhood friends parents started to get really sick and several die over the last few weeks and than it hit me.... while I was telling them how wonderful Hospice had been and how they helped me so much and how far I had come.....I was in that same horrible place that they were now a year ago. Everything came rushing back like a bad dream....the being unable to sleep, the crying jags...everything came rushing back...and is back. That is why I am sitting here at 12:30 am with tears steaming down my face. In some ways I am mad at myself for letting this start all over again...but a part of me knows that this would happen at this time of year....it is the first year....I know that this too will pass...I hope...but once again I feel like the little girl without a Mother....even though I am 55 yrs old.

My family, husband,son,daughter-in-law just got back from a fabulous trip to Alaska in honor of both of my parents...they always wanted to go there and never made it so we made it a point to go this summer in their honor...it was a wonderful trip..probably the best we have ever had.....than I come home to a e-mail from my best friend regarding her Mother and eventually she died and all of a sudden I was back a year ago again.....than my sister-in-law tells me her mother who I am close to has unoperable cancer, and my God mother calls to tell me she has lung cancer.....I want to go take care of her in Calif, as she has no one to care for her but I am afraid that will really set me off , as I took care of my Mother too....

Sorry to just go rambling on + on...probably make no sense at all but I have been meaning to sit down and just write what was on my mind + I have.

I miss both my parents terribly...Dad died 6 months before my Mom died..(I'm a only child)....I so wanted to be able to tell her all about our wonderful vacation but she probably all ready knew because I am possitive that she and my Dad are always with me.....looking down over all of us......

Funnyface

[lorikelly]

I still can't believe that i don't have my mom either. It has been only 7 weeks but can't believe i have not seen her for that long. i can relate to how you feel. i am 38 and now i have to live the rest of my life with out my mom or dad. there is a good book out that i am going to start to read it is Motherless Daughters, have you read it? i think maybe going to help your god mother could be good and could be bad. Maybe go and visit and set her up with some help , i am not sure if you should go back into being a caregiver this soon. you can help her but finding others to also help. be kind to yourself and let yourself cry. i think we have a right to that.

[STARKISS]

Hi Funnyface,

I just wanted to let you know that I too had a very rough time when I faced my mom's one year mark since her death... I spent the day alone and remembering times spent with her and my dad.. Next week will be the one year mark since my dad died and I am not looking forward to it all. I had a great ideal to send a tribute to my mom and so I did.. I bought a balloon and I went to a nearby park said a wonderful piece that my mom liked and than released the balloon... I am going to do the same thing for my dad's one year next week... Take care funnyface and God Bless Shelley

[FUNNYFACE]

[quote name='STARKISS' date='Aug 20 2006, 01:31 PM' post='7360'

Thanks LoriKelley and Starkiss for your input....I hadn't thought of a balloon and that is what I will do.....we buried my parents the same day due to the fact that they were both cremated and I could do that on the anniversary that they were buried .....the end of Sept....

LoriKelly....you have a good idea reagarding my God mothe but I do not know what there finances are....will see what I can do....I am a nurse...so the very first thing that I ever think about is "taking care of the person".....something in our makeup I guess.

Spent the whole day sleeping today....just couldn't get up and face the world....I feel really dumb for that....I should be able to get up and get going....it's not like it just happened.....My husband keeps asking me what is wrong and I can't even tell him......he didn't really understand before I don't think and he sure isn't gonna understand now....I refuse to take any kind of med....I guess it is the fact that I think that I would be giving in....I'm a tough ole Irishman or so I think I am.....

Thanks for your replys and listening.....LoriKelly...I will get that bood you suggested....I have heard of it..I did go to a 6 weeks workshop though HOV called Daughters without Mothers this spring and it really did help...I was so proud of myself and now here I am again.....

Hugs to all Funnyface

[shell]

Funnyface,

Boy, can I relate to you! I was feeling the same way, that I had it more or less "together" and was in control of my grief. About a week ago I felt totally lost again and depressed and cried a lot. So, I guess we now have to realize that this will happen from time to time. I give everyone advice on this board and then sometimes I feel like, Who am I to be giving advice? I'm not as together as I thought! But, I will say that today I feel better than a week ago, so I guess we have our "together days"" and then our "falling apart days" for a long time. I talked to a very dear friend (about the only one I can talk about this stuff with) today and that's a big reason why I feel better. Support REALLY helps! Just hang in there. Things will get easier again. We are all going to have our setbacks and we just have to ride them out, yet once again. And you still have good reason to be proud of yourself!

A big hug to you,

Shell

[nic]

Hello Funnyface

For me, it has been only 4 months August 16th and I thought I was doing better and I kept going through the house stuff and boxes every weekend. Being a lonely child the task of sorting all is mine. I was getting stronger, thinking as you did, that they are there somewhere...and suddenly yesterday, hit me like a brick wall...it was like an autumn day outside, and I cried, and all became a big mountain I could not climb...but today, I re-started taking one day, nearly one hour at a time. Work is keeping me really busy but still I know my birthday is coming and it will be the first without my mom.

But I came here at this site, and again I felt comfort. I am not alone and people here are really feeling the same emotional pains. I think it will happen once in a while, and so is life. As we get older and wiser, and could enjoy life differently, we also do have loss in our lifes that shades our daily life. But I tried to remember that my parents were happy when I was living fully and having a good time. Your parents would have been happy of the wonderful trip you took. And that's the kind of thinking which forces me to keep going with my life and making the dreams my mom could not finish, a reality in my life.