I Just Want Him Back!

[Brooke]

I am so angry right now, I am angry because my finace was taken from me too early (I know we all feel this way about our loved ones), we just shared the birth of our first son in May, now I have to raise him alone. He's 3 months old and his father is gone. Nobody seems to understand anymore, and the friends have started back to their own lives, I jsut feel so overwhelmed sometimes, and it's my own fault because I hate asking for help. I am lucky because I have a piece of him in my son, and I can see him everyday. One of my biggest fears in life was to be a single mother, and now here I am. People say my son will need a father figure in his life, and at some point I will move on as I am only 26, I just want him back, I don't want anyone else!!! I feel guilty just THINKING of moving on, although I know he would want me to. I'm so confused and I just don't want to be angry anymore!!!

[AnnC]

I am so sorry for your loss. Since you say your fiance was there 3 months ago to see the birth of your son, I assume it has been less than that since he died. That is so fresh a loss, and I know how hard it is to have people expect you to "be over it" when it's only been such a short time! I also have had people tell me to "move on", and recently, I just decided that I have a RIGHT to NOT move on if I don't want to. In a weird way, I think this is helping me to move on, I guess because I removed that pressure from myself of living up to other people's expectations and timetables.

There IS no timetable. You have suffered a terrible loss, especially with so young a baby to now raise. It doesn't feel fair, and that's because it isn't fair. It's no wonder you feel as you do.

I don't have children, so I can't completely identify with your feelings, but I was devastated when my ex-husband died, and now my friends want me to "move on", which apparently in their minds means dating and remarrying! I'm ready to tell them all to Back Off!!! Are they nuts? Maybe, maybe in the far future IF I should meet someone -- I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's not going to happen right now, and I find them insensitive and pushy to be going on about it. My best (?) friend told me it PROVES I am failing to move on because I am not remarried after our divorce and his death, and I told her to mind her own business.

Each grief journey is unique, and no one can tell you what you should be doing.

[dpodesta]

Dearest Brooke,

I am so sad to hear of your loss. I to have a hard problem asking for help here at home, I know my family and friends want to do everything they can to help me and my 7 year old son, but in mind it just seems like an incovience or that I am taking advantage. I have started to learn that I can't do it all and do need help and everyone has stepped up to the plate. I agree with what you said when people are saying you will find someone else, you are young. Like you, I don't want anyone else, I just want Karen back. This is going to be a confusing time for you right now with emotions running wild at times. I won't try to sugar coat anything by saying it will be an easy journey. I will be coming up on 5 months on September 6th and have had one heck of a roller coaster ride this past week, but I will say this...everyone on this site pulled through for me, sent me messages and were there when I needed them. They made things go a little easier. I was blessed by finding this site and if you continue to come here and read and post I know you will be to. I wish I could make you pain and confusion go away, but unfortunately I can't but all of us here will help you get through it. I will pray that God give you some peace and guidance.

[Brooke]

Thank you both for your sweet words, reassurance and prayers it is greatly appreciated by both myself and my son. My prayers are with you both as well as you also go through your healing.

Thank you,

Brooke

[Guest PattiZ54]

You all are so new to this experience and no one should be expecting you to "move on" at this point. WE certainly do not expect that from you...I don't think ANY of us want to "move on". I'm going on two years and I STILL want my husband back. He was the one person I was happy with and could laugh with and just be myself - we truly loved each other and I miss him terribly every day. Unfortunately the world doesn't stop just because we have lost someone that we loved. We are just expected to move on with everyone else and no one has any idea how hard that is unless they have been through it. I was having a terrible day, myself, yesterday and I just fell apart. I cried hysterically and screamed about how tired I was of my life being this way. I'm trusting that today will be a better day. My daughter tells me how irritable and unhappy I am and that I hardly ever smile anymore....well, my happiness and "smile" left on November 16, 2004. I try to be happy and have a good time, but nothing is the same and as far as I know right now, it never will be. I'm going to be 52 years old this year and hopefully I have quite a bit of time left in my earth life, so I'm hoping to be happy again someday. I know that's what Charlie wants for me and I'm working on trying to make my life happier, but it's been hard without him. I know he's watching over me and that he will help me get through this just like he always helped me get through everything.

Everyone has their own time frame on this grieving thing and you don't need to be concerned with what everyone else thinks. You take it in your own time and KNOW that we will be here to talk with even if no one else wants to listen. We're all on this journey together and we will get through it - hugging each other along the way.

I hope everyone has a better day today!! Big HUGS to all of you....(I know I needed a hug yesterday). Take care! It's one step at a time.

[kayc]

I want to say too, that I am sorry for your loss. I pray your son brings you much joy in life. I don't think it's a question of when to move on or if we want to or can...what we experience, we experience, it's as simple as that, and it doesn't matter if we're 26 or 76, the loss is acute and we have no choice but to deal with it, one day at a time. Your friends are undoubtedly young and perhaps aren't accustomed to such loss...even my friends, in their 50's and beyond, don't always seem to know what I'm going through. That's why this website is so invaluable. We who are here know and care.

When I think of those who so inappropriately told us we will move on or find someone else...I tell them to never say that to anyone who has experienced such a loss ever again...it does not bring reassurance and encouragement, but rather rage...it is invalidating our feelings of loss and what we had with the deceased person. Rather they should listen and care and be there in the lonely hours. Whatever you decide to do with your life is up to you and in your own timetable, you really don't need anyone telling you what to do...you need caring, We are here to listen and let you pour your heart out.

[chrissy777]

Brooke,

I can relate I am 38 weeks pregnant with our son. I get so scared about how I am going to handle this on my own or am I going to be able to raise our son the way Jay wouldve wanted me to. It is very scary! I know what you mean about always having a part of him with you this does bring me some comfort. I hate the way people automatically assume when I go to the OB doctor that because my husband isnt there I choose to be a single mom or something. I tried to go to a lamaze class and lasted through2 of the 4 classes because while everyone elses coaches where there sig others I had my sister in law. (not that i didnt appreciate her being there it just hurts) I hate to think there are other people out there that have to suffer as much as me because I wouldnt wish this on my worse enemy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Edited September 3, 2006 by chrissy777

[kayc]

Chrissy777, I can't imagine how hard it must be to go to Lamaze without your partner, or any of those things...but Honey, Lamaze helps you when you give birth, so if there's any way you can finish learning it, please try to. Did you ever talk to the instructor about how you feel? Maybe there could be some alternative way to learn it other than a class with "couples". A tape, video, tutor, book, something!

[Haley]

Brooke

You will hear all kinds of things from people I don't think that they mean much harm from it I bet they are just trying to give you words to go on. You are only 26 and you are a single MOM hang in there and came and talk to us about anything I am to a single MOM and will give you any encouragement that you need feel free to talk to me when you need some times it is easier to get advice from people that you do not no than to face the ones and ask for help I am that way and Shell and Derek and Paul and EVERYBODY here is great. Keep your head high and cherrish your baby for the both of you.

Don't worry about moving on your life will take you where you want and need it to be. Just remember people can not read your mind so when you really need help and thats ok also just ask for it and true people in your life will help you. We are here for you also.

Thanks

Haley