Am I Just Being Selfish?

[AnnC]

My former husband's birthday, the third one since his death, is in a few days, and I’m really having a bad night. I feel my life is nothing but loss after loss, and I guess I just have this feeling that there is something horribly wrong with me that I lose everything. From the time I was born, my parents moved frequently, so that I could never get attached to a house or a school or friends, because we would move after a couple of years or less and I would have to start all over. We moved ten times before I went to college. I felt at home at college because at least I lived there and went to one school for four years.

I met Don at college, first weekend of freshman year. We dated for six years, then got married, and although my parents didn’t like him, I was completely in love. He was so different from me, I thought -- good looking, witty, fun, outgoing, talented, popular. I couldn’t believe he wanted me. But I learned to trust and be happy. Even though we moved a couple of times as he went through grad school, and that was difficult, he was with me, so I could get through it. But it didn’t last. We lost a pregnancy -- then he left me. I was so devastated I became frozen -- I couldn’t bear to do anything about changing my job, my apartment, my car -- anything, I was terrified to make any new commitments, take on any new challenges.

I learned finally that my husband had left me because he found out he was gay, but although I realized intellectually that this did not mean it was my fault, and I understand that he was too scared to tell me the truth back then, my feelings of betrayal and abandonment did not go away. I entered into a few relationships, but none worked out. I became brave enough to apply for and get a promotion, but was laid off after four years.

I recovered enough to move to the West Coast, where I had been born, and started over again -- it was the only move I ever made just on my own decision, rather than being dragged by someone else. But I was so frightened of responsibility that I took a low level office assistant job although I have a Masters degree. I fell for a man, but he was happily married so we remained friends only, and then he died last year. I became close friends with my ex-husband three years ago when he became ill with liver disease, and then he died, leaving me more abandoned than ever. And I developed diabetes and cancer, and had a hysterectomy.

I have never had any sense of security. I lost home, friends, school, job, my husband twice, my child, any hope for more children, financial security, and my health. I feel unworthy of anything good. Why try for a better job, when I’ll only lose it? Why fall in love again, when that means nothing but loss and pain? My sisters are both happily married and have been for over 20 years each, and each have two beautiful children. I’m so envious. What did I do to deserve this life?

My father now has stage 4 cancer and it’s terminal. But I have to admit, I look at my parents and think, So what? They are 78 years old, married for 55 years. They have children, grandchildren, a wealthy lifestyle, lifelong friends, and their siblings, though not their parents, are still living and in good health. They don’t appreciate what they have, their long lives and long happy marriage. And they did their best to sabotage MY marriage, and said "We told you so" when I got divorced. They were completely cold when Don died. Who are they to complain? I know this is selfish, but I feel so cheated. I have nothing. What is wrong with me that I have lost everything good I ever had?

I know this is just a litany of self-pity, but I am really hitting bottom tonight. My life is just gray and empty, and I’m sick of it. I am not suicidal, but if I had not woken up from the surgery when I had the hysterectomy, I would not have minded all that much. At least I would have been with my husband and baby.

[LarrysGirl]

Ann, Its very hard what you are experiencing and to me its not self-pity, its just how you feel right now. None of this feels fair and its hard to look at others lives and wonder why me. When I lost Larry after 14 years it has been devastating. What upsets me is that it was the first time in my life I had felt safe and secure and now its gone, or it feels that way. My childhood was not too hot and a previous relationship was abusive and traumatic. Being loved by Larry was something I had never experienced in all my life and I felt free and loved. I'm don't know what to say to help you as I'm trying to find my reason to go on also but I do know that its okay to say how you feel here and maybe just saying it will help you release some of the frustration. I hope so. Deborah

[STARKISS]

Hi Ann C,

I am very sorry that you are having such a rough time right now... I am very sorry for your loss... What you are feeling is normal and is all apart of the grieving process... You need to be less hard on your self and realize that your emotions are all over the place right now.... Take care and God Bless You and I will pray for you Shelley

[AnnC]

Thanks, Deborah. I'm sorry you have to feel the same way, that after finally finding a happy secure life, then it's gone. It's so hard. But I actually felt better after posting. I realized all this was boiling up last night, and I had no one to call who would really understand my rant, and then I thought, I can come and say all this on this board and people wouldn't judge me. So once I got it all off my chest, I did feel better. I do have good things in my life, I love my nieces and nephew. But it just really got to me last night, all that I have lost, and I was feeling pretty bad. Thank you all on this board for a place to come and vent and be heard.

[kayc]

I have heard it said, "Life sucks, and then you die." It is supposed to be humorous, I think, and yet there seems to be a degree of truth to it, or so it seems to me. This emptiness, this lonliness is something that is so hard for all of us to go through...it is made all the more acute when we were happy...and then lost it. I am having a very hard time going through yet another holiday weekend all alone, I hate it. I am going stircrazy being in the house, yet a trip into Oakridge costs me a gallon of gas which I can ill afford on unemployment right now. Where did all of our friends disappear to? Why do people think I am over this, even though it's been 14 1/2 months...I don't think that happens. We somehow get more used to things but still, depression sets in and we wonder over and over again, what is the point? There was nothing like being held, smelling his smell, feeling my head against his chest while his big arms were wrapped around me...and it's something I can't even bear to think about...the pain is too great. So I try to settle for moments of enjoyment here or there, any way I can get them...but this weekend, there is nothing but lonliness. I hate it.

[dpodesta]

Kay, even though distance separates us, remember you are not alone during this holiday weekend, the rest of us lonely people are right here with you. I am trying to keep myself busy around the house so I won't have time to think about the lonelyness. I finally decided tonight that I would take Carson to Chucky Cheese for dinner and spend some time with him. It was wonderful, I forgot what is was like to spend some time with him. Kay, you will be in my thoughts this weekend as will everyone else on this site, I know holidays can be the worst. I have been thinging a lot already this weekend about everyone and how we will be on Monday. Take care and remember we are here for each other.

[kayc]

Derek, I had to smile when you said you took Carson to Chucky Cheese...I went there 29 years ago with my little nephew, it is fun...kids are wonderful, they force you to have fun! So do teenagers, I loved having teenagers, I loved working with the teens at the Youth Center years ago...teens know how to have fun.

[ustwo]

KayC...stircrazy...depressed, your words describe exactly what my weekend is. 14 1/2 months into this lonely journey it's caught me off guard and I guess I'll continue pacing my way through it. Gene should be cooking his famous hamburgers and then settling in to watch football. I still want to know why...all I'm left with is this pain, longing for my Gene, and the smell of his colonge. It's Sunday again so guess I'll force my way to church and ask again.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Oh Evelyn, I still feel that way, I think this has been one of the longest weekends of my life! My son came home last night and we sat down to watch a movie but I fell asleep...then I got up at 4:30 a.m. to see him off as he went on a brutal hike today. I would have loved to have gone but doubt I'm up to that particular hike and I didn't want to intrude on his plans with his friend. I need a hiking partner! Everyone I know can't do it for this reason or that, but oh how I miss it and it just doesn't seem the same alone...maybe I should try it alone though, maybe it'd beat sitting at home alone. Nothing could be worse than this, if George was here we would have gone camping together this weekend. We'd have taken walks and eaten and held hands and...but he isn't here. No one is.