Why Can't I Cry?

[magdalyn]

Just wondering if anyone out there can tell me if not being able to cry shortly after a death is normal? I was estranged from my father most of my life, but i spent a few months with him 12 years ago, and recently I was at his bedside when he passed away. then I had to take care of the funeral arrangements, etc. I am feeling empty and disconnected from others, and I cried for the first few days, but now I am feeling just tired, sad, not hungry and I can't cry.

[STARKISS]

Hi Magadlyn,

I am very, very sorry for the loss of your father. But not being able to cryafter just five days is perfectly normal eventhough you and your father were not close for most of your lives. He was still your father and what you are feeling is very emotional due to a sudden death. You are just at the beginning of your grief journey... I did the same when my mom died as well as when my dad died. It is a normal react to what has happen to you... You need to just let it take it course and try not to bottle it up because it will be worst afterwards.... Take care and I will pray for you and I am sending you a big hug. Shelley

[magdalyn]

Shelly,

Thank you! I was afraid of bottling it up. Having him in an out of my life just makes me feel guilty, and I am afraid of pushing him out just like I did before. But i can't ignore the emptiness! I just needed to hear from someone else that my feelings were normal (as normal as they can be in this situation). You hang in there too, and I hope to talk to you again.

Magdalyn

[KathyD]

Hi Magdayln,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Not crying is perfectly normal, as is everything else you're feeling. I lost my father 5 months ago and have felt tired, depressed, empty, hopeless...the list goes on and on and I'm still in the grieving process. At 5 days you're probably a little numb and in shock even though you weren't close to your Dad. Everyone reacts differently to a death but usually there is a sense of numbness soon afterwards, which may be partially to blame for your not crying. I hope this helps a bit.

Take care,

Kathy

[magdalyn]

Kathy-

Thanks, that helps alot. I think numbness is definitely the word for it. So instead of trying to force myself to feel something, I think I just need to let it run it's course. It helps to hear that others have felt the same way. I have been on autopilot since I heard he was in the hospital last week. I got to the hospital (a 16-hour) drive in time to be with him on his last day. I am glad I went though because I got out alot of negative emotions about our relationship. He was just a very angry, lonely man and I was never estranged from him by my choice. I think the most important thing I learned is we are born into this world alone, and we die alone, but we don't have to live our lives alone.

Thanks again and take care,

Magdalyn

[LoriW]

magdalyn,

I think Kathy is right. I was very close to my Mom and I really couldn't cry at first. Kind of differnt than your experience. It's the shock. I remember seeing her in the bed, kissing her goodbye and telling her she was a good Mom. I felt disconnected from myself. Today, just over 9 months later, I can totally describe the slant of sunlight driving home from the hosptial to my Mom and Dad's house. The color of the sky, the leaves on the ground, the bumps in the road. I came in, picked up the afghan that she had wrapped around her in the kitchen, her slippers and put them in the closet before my Dad got there. I didn't know what to feel and what you are going through is perfectly normal. It was once things slowed down, people went home and stopped calling is when I had time to process it all and that's when I cried a lot.

Your feelings are valid. Everyone goes through their own way of processing a loss. I wish you peace.

Lori

[magdalyn]

Lori-

You guys are all great! I am so glad I found this group. I am sorry about your mom. It sounds like you were very close. You all have helped me sort out some of my feelings by sharing your own experiences. I have friends to talk to but how do you talk when you are not sure how or what you are feeling? Plus I don't want to dump on anyone. But this has been a nice way to sort things out.

Magdalyn

[Rayon]

Hi Magdalyn,

I lost my father on his birthday almost two weeks ago. I didn't get along too well with him most of my life until the last few months of his life. I also cried the first few days that he died, then I went numb and tried not to think about him.

Now I am crying like crazy again. I am left with shame and guilt and sadness of what should have been between us, but wasn't. I'm also very tired, and just want to sleep all the time, and I go between not being hungry at all to eating and slurging on food all the time. My weight is just going up and down. But I've been reading a couple of books and they seem to agree that my behavior (and yours) is normal during grief and just takes time. Weeks, months, even years.

[shell]

Magdalyn,

My mother told me that when her mom died, she couldn't cry. She dealt with the arrangements and all the other stuff and it was at her funeral that she started to cry and couldn't quit. I cried when my dad died the first few days, and I, too, had to take care of everything. Then I didn't cry haradly at all. Later, of course I started crying all the time. I think part of it may be that we are taking care of everything and have to keep ourselves together. When everything is finally over and done, the waterworks will eventually catch up with us. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you were able to be there with your dad at the end, for him and for you.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[LoriW]

Magdalyn,

You're right, this is a great place to come. I know what you mean about talking to friends. You just don't want to feel like their "downer". I feel most comfortable talking with a very good friend who lost a brother 4 years ago. She is great and this place is super great....it's ALWAYS here and so are the people.

You always have this place and us to come to if you need to cry, vent, question or share. We are all trying to understand what has happened and find a new way to live without someone we have lost.

Hugs to you.

Lori

[magdalyn]

I know that He will always be in my heart. Yesterday I was feeling a weight on my heart, I mean physically. His first name was John, it almost seems climatic that Hurricane John has come around. Alot of the reason I also have to hold it together is for my two kids. They didn't know him, but met him in the hospital before he passed. I am trying to think of their feelings too, and I keep asking them how they are doing. My youngest found some leaves on the ground at the memorial park, and she brought them home with her so she can always remember him. I didn't find this out until she told me. It broke my heart. Today I have to function for my kids, but even last night after they went to bed, I had a little time to read Ecclesiates, his favorite book, and then I was able to cry. Thank you all again for listening.

Magdalyn