Struggling

[dpodesta]

Hello to all, it has been a couple of rough days this week, and I haven't taken the time to come on to the site. I just felt like I couldn't do it.

I am having problems with Carson. His school work is suffering. The school has asked that he go into tutoring for reading because he is below level which I have agreed to. His math work is...I don't have a word for it, but it isn't good. He is a smart kid and has always done good on work he just isn't applying himself. I got on to him tonight because when I corrected him while he was reading, and while I was talking he was moving his lips trying to hide them behind the book mocking me. Last week, he wrote a note with the help of his school counslor saying that he was mad at God for taking his mom, but he was happy that we did some things last week and that I was happier. So when I got on to him tonight, he threw that in my face saying "you treat me like this after I wrote good things about you". Trying to play the guilt card, which I didn't give into (In front of him anyway. He is getting to me, after he went to bed, all of the feelings hit. I know in my mind I am doing the right thing, but my heart is telling me other wise. I am scared, and I am tired of dealing with all the emotions. I am starting to get a build up of anger, and don't know how to release it. I don't know who I am angry at. You are supposed to be able to enjoy life, how can I enjoy life without Karen. I don't feel like my life can be enjoyable right now. Why do I have to do all of this? Why did Godd see fit to take Karen away from us? I wish I knew the answers, that would make it easier to understand. Where do I go from here?

[kayc]

Oh Derek, I'm so sorry. You are a wonderful parent. Carson, it sounds like, is acting out, the only way he knows how to get out what is going on inside of him, and he has a lot of feelings and grief too, it's natural that he's going to have a hard time for a while. Is there a counselor at school that he could talk to? Kids do what kids do though, and it sounds like he is no different in that respect...they try to work us, and you were so right to not let it show (to him) that it got to you. Keep being the parent, that is your first and foremost role. Sometimes it is years before our kids appreciate what we've done in our role as parent, but we must do it anyway. It gets tiring going it alone all the time. I am getting scared with summer ending and not having a husband to be with me through everything...my furnace quit working before summer and they still haven't come out, I hate having to deal with all the stuff around this place by myself and my self esteem is pretty shaky right now with looking for work and getting rejection notices...but I tell myself it's an opportunity to learn and I have to keep trusting God...it is HIS problem and I need to remember that and to keep dumping it back into his lap. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, you really are handling things well, even if you don't always feel like it...you are a terrific dad and a terrific person.

Edited September 13, 2006 by kayc

[lorikelly]

Derek

I was wondering where you were. Oh pls don't be so hard on yourself. Carson will be ok in time. i think he may need some help . i take my boys to see a therapist to help with the grief and it really helps, try the hospitals they offer free groups for children. it probably is very hard for him to concentrate since he is so sad. i think we take them for granted and b/c they don't act like us we think they are feeling better or over it. well he is not, he probably feels awful just like you. i tell my boys everyday that they are my hope, my hope to continue on and get through this grief. remenber carson is that for you. karen lives on in him. try to spend a day every week doing something just the two of you, your special time. maybe everynight you can read to him, i also make sure i tell the boys a story about grandma everyday. try telling carson things about his mom he didn't know. God will give you the strenght, he never would of placedCarson in your hands if he didn't think you could do it. you are a wonderful dad. try to get some help for you by going to a group so you can talk to others like you and maybe carson can meet other children who have lost a parent.

God please replace Dereks heart with joy and remove the sorrow.

i wish i lived in texas so i could help you. God Bless.

Lori

[dpodesta]

Lori,

THank you for you r reply and prayer, we are going to the WARM Place every other Wednesday night the kids meet in age specific groups while the parents meet together. This is for children who have lost a parent and parents who have lost a spouse. It has been helping some, but it is the times in between that get me. I am going through them to find some counsling for myself and then as time goes on for Carson.

[Penny1]

Hi Derek

I am sorry to hear that things aren't going so well....

Can I give you some words of advice....when my son lost his father (he was 4) I went through one heck of a time with him....

He was such a wonderful, well behaved child and then when his dad was killed, he turned into this totally out of control child... he wouldn't listen, talked back, threw huge tantrums.... I was lost....

I sat him down and asked him to explain to me what was wrong... he was so angry over losing his dad.... he thought God ate his dad(that was horrific) he had no faith... he was only 4. I got help for him.... I asked his grandmother to help me out for I just wasn't sure how I could deal with it...

So I think what Carson is going through is grieving.... children grieve so differently than we do.... we have faith in God to carry us through but I don't think young children have faith.... they are too young...

My suggestion is to find a good grief counsellor to work with him one on one...

My son still has unresolved issues over losing his dad that affects his life...

Losing Karen may affect his life forever... and hopefully someone (counsellor) can help him with his grieving journey....

Hang in there, I too wish I could help you....

We are all here for you and in our thoughts and prayers....