My Story.

[Natalie_xox]

After three horrible months batlling cancer in ICU, it happened. Two years ago when i was in highschool my father passed away from his second fight at cancer (survived his first)

but just recently i've been holding in bursting out into tears in like the most randomest of places, school, shopping, driving. its like some crazy delayed sadness.. in midst of the depressed lonely emptiness.

i dont know. when it happened everything just fell apart all at once.

my dad passed away from cancer a month later a good friend got hit by a truck while running for cross country, then two months after that my other friend died from cancer.

I felt bad by not going to their funerals, but it was too hard/a reminder of what just had happened.

Now .. its like a song on the radio, a movie or tv episode, something we shared will bring back sadness..but I want to try and make it happiness of a memory, not sadness that it can never happen again.

I dont know like my dad's work cell phone, i used to call... hear him give the ol"Sorry i'm not here right now leave a message.. etc".. then i'd leave messages of how I was. kind of like i was talking to him. i dont know its wierd...i did this for awhile. then last month i called and they'd disconnected the line.

it sucked, kind of a reminder/another glimpse at reality.

I stillll feel he should walk through the door at work even though i know he's gone.

I'm the kind of person who holds things in and I dont like talking about it much least of all with my mom or family (brother's okay..but hes young and doesnt really assess it either). my mom hates that i dont like talking and has even accused me of "not giving a damn" that hurt a lot too. because I love him more than anything. and miss him just as much. Everything, EVERYTHING in my life is affected, i've started college now but am reluctant to go on.. because i know he still wont be there. he missed my hs graduation, he'll miss my college, wont get to grill guys that i date, walk me down the aisle. I just dont know anymore. i thought i'd dealt with it. but i guess i haven't.

I dont know if this is even all of how i feel, because inside its all a blur still.

[Laurie]

Natalie, I'm so very sorry. You have been through so much for someone so young. I know how much you are hurting, but I'm happy you are here. You came to the right place. We are all here for eachother. Write anytime you want to, about whatever you are feeling. It helps to have others to talk to, people who understand. Laurie

[Leann]

Hi, Natalie: Things seem to come in bunches, that's for sure. This year, I've lost my uncle, my Dad, and my Aunt (my uncle's wife). It's just a rough thing to go through. I've had lots of crying jags the past couple of days (had one at my Weight Watchers meeting this evening). I've gained some of my weight back since my Dad died, and that upset me. The others in the group were talking about battling the food thing and getting through the upcoming holidays from that standpoint. I'm sitting there thinking, "Geez, not only am I going to have to battle the food/weight thing, I'm also going to have to get through this first holiday season without my Dad and try to control my eating on top of it. Battles, battles, and more battles!" That's when I started to cry and had to leave the meeting. It was just too much right then. Sometimes, you just have to let stuff out (and it's eventually going to come out whether you want it to or not) and it might come out in the strangest places. That feels unsettling, but you'll be better off for it. Take good care and keep talking with us. We understand, believe me. Just give yourself time. You've had quite a jolt.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

[shell]

Natalie,

Welcome to the site. Trying to hold things in is common, and like Leann said, it will come out eventually! I'm so sorry for your losses. I had a bundle of them too and it just seems too much to handle sometimes. But the fact that you came to this site is a sign that you are taking the first steps to deal with your grief. I can talk to the wonderful people on here a lot easier than I can even some of my family. Keep posting and get your feelings out. And don't hold in your tears....they will help heal you.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[daddyslilgirl]

Natalie, First I want to say I am sorry for your loss. And like Shell and Leann said, you can only hold it in for so long before the gates open wide. I talk about my Dad often but I can't cry. Losing him was losing my best friend, my number one fan and the only person who never hurt me..So I know what you are feeling..Talk, cry, scream do what ever it takes for you to grieve, and don't be ashamed of it...And if you can't do any of those, then try writing down your feelings. Write letters to him, keep a journal...As for going to college, don't not do that because of him, Think what he would want. Wouldn't he not want you to go and better yourself. When my Dad passed, I wondered how I could go on living, knowing he wasn't any longer and then it hit me, I would go on because he wants me too. He was so full of life and thru me his memory will countinue. So every day, I tell storys about him, or paint a picture, or teach someone something he taught me. And becuase of that, he will live forever in the memories..I miss him everyday so very much, but I know he's happy and what else could I want for him but that. Anyways, in a nutshell, My thoughts and prayers are with you and just keep on posting, there's always someone hear to listen...

[shell]

daddyslilgirl brought up an important thought. I will, with shame, admit that when someone died (before my own losses!) and they were acting all chipper and happy and would say, "They wouldn't want me to be unhappy", I would think they didn't care very much about whoever died! Now, I know better. I always say goodnight to everyone I've lost and tell them I hope they are happy. And I desperately hope that. One night it hit me in a weird way. So simple, but I realized that they HONESTLY would want the same for me. They really would. It was ok to try to be happy. It's still hard to BE happy, but I feel less guilt about it. I feel like it's what they would want for me, truly in my heart now. We all need to remember that and let ourselves at least TRY to be happy.

Hugs to all,

Shell