It's So Hard

[Laurie]

I almost hate writing this after looking at chrissy's beautiful baby. He is absolutley gorgous. But I had a really bad day today. I cried almost all day. I did all my usual things, working, driving, cooking etc. but I cried through it all. I toned it down a little when the kids were around. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like, why are we given someone to love so much--- only to have them taken away??? It seems like all I have to look foward to is when I die, I'll get to be with Sean again, but then I won't have my kids with me. Why can't I have both? I miss him so much, I have this huge lump in my throat and it's just not fair. I would do anything to have him back. I was trying to make deals with God, begging to please just give me one more chance to be with him. I just can't believe he's really NOT coming back. When is that really going to seem real? I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, like I can almost talk myself out of it being true. Like he's just on a business trip and I'm just missing him alot, and he'll be home soon. Then I almost have to try to convince myself that he's really gone, forever. I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do, I can't do this. I love him and miss him so much I just can't stand it. Laurie

[Maylissa]

Laurie,

Even though our losses are of a different type, I feel the same way you do and think the same, grief-filled and 'crazy' way. I keep thinking that THIS time, when I walk in the door, my girl will be there, somehow, this time 'round...even while knowing that this isn't possible. It really mucks with your mind and yet it's just a part of the grieving process. Bargaining, magical thinking...it's common and yet it can make us feel so...like we're in limbo. It's a mark of not being ready or able to accept our new reality, because our new reality really doesn't make much logical sense and seems to be the mark of an UNloving Source. I just wanted to share that I can relate, because loss is loss and grief is grief, no matter which type of loss it is and there is so much in common, even between types of loss. I've said the same thing myself, so many times..."I can't DO this!" It hurts too much to do it....hence, the self-imposed (though subconscious) numbness in between the pain-filled times.

Edited November 3, 2006 by Maylissa

[gabrielle_land]

Laurie,

I send you the biggest hug. You know I make myself that question evry single day...why did God/life/fate let me love somebody this much and then took him away... Make your whole life plans around the person you love with all your heart and in a blink of an eye everything vanished and feeling we are here "just because" waiting for the day we will be once again with our loved ones... as I read what you wrote I can see just exactly how I'm feeling... I miss Christophe so much I hope every night to see him smiling back at me in my dreams,and in the morning when I wake up I wish I could sleep forever to stay with him there, at least in a dream.

Laurie, I hope you can soon see a glimpse of light in your days to help you move in this difficult moment, and only time will help us all move on, give yourself time, and cry if you feel like crying, you have all the right to let yourself deal with your grief as better as you're able to.

Blessings,

Gaby

[LarrysGirl]

I unfortunately am also having a rough time today. I just don't feel like holding up anymore. I cancelled my counselor appt. because I'm just too tired to do this. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my life back. People around me don't understand the fatigue that this causes. I've carried on for almost 12 months without Larry. I just want a break from this but I can't have one. I don't want this reality. I don't feel like I have the strength to continue to do this day after day. No friends drop by, no family help, they just say you have to push yourself, your not trying, Larry wouldn't want you to be this upset.... How do they know??? They're not the one's going thru this. I wanted to pursue an investigation into his death, I wanted to do something to honor his memory on the 16th, his birthday on the 17th. I don't have the strength. My mind is coming to a complete stop. What do you do when you run out of strength? What will happen to me if I can't keep going. I feel bad for coming here and saying this, like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I do feel sad that I have to find my way, alone.

[missingcharlie]

No one is feeling sorry for themselves...if we are, we deserve to.

I don't know what to tell you because it will be 2 years for me on 11/16 and I still can't believe I will never see him again. I look at his pictures around my house and he looks so young and healthy...this JUST shouldn't have happened. I'm angry about it - I'm angry with everyone and I don't know how to change that. I take it out on my daughter and grandkids and I wish I could stop - I'm just so DAMN sad and want the man I loved more than anything to come back!! Bargaining doesn't help - I've tried it.

I guess we will all just keep going on whether we want to or not. I wish I could tell you guys WHEN you will feel better, but I don't have any answers. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing better, like I might actually be able to survive this and then WHAM! I'm depressed all over again. It's a big roller-coaster and I would imagine that's the way it will go for a very long time.

I know it's a stupid saying, but we all need to "keep our chins up", just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep writing here...to people that REALLY understand what we feel.

All of you take care and hugs to everyone. TRY to have a good day!!!

Patti

[kayc]

I am sorry you are all having such a bad day...I want to give you all hugs and make you feel better. I have my bad days too, and lately there have been a lot of them...depression...it seems it comes and goes, sometimes it stays way too long. I don't even ask the question "why" anymore...I don't know that there is an answer. I try not to think about it too much but sometimes it comes barrelling in and hits me...I am starting to do better but look how long its taken? And I don't take anything for granted any more, not even a good day because if I'm doing good today, that could change tomorrow and I have to accept that it can be different all the time.

I just hope your day gets better...know you're not alone. I care about you!

[Laurie]

Thank you all for reading and writing. You are all the sweetest, most caring group of people. I just can't get myself to stop crying, I could barely see to drive today. It's so bad, I could never imagine before this, that it was possible to feel this upset. I just want to crawl into bed and cry forever. I wish there was some way I could stop thinking and feeling. I think maybe the shock has worn off, I don't know. It's been almost 4 weeks. My kids all have plans tonight, so I'm just gonna go to bed. Thanks, Love Laurie

[Laurie]

Thank you for writing Maylissa, I know our losses are different. But like you said, grief is grief. I do read your posts, and I feel the pain you're in. I also understand because I am also an animal lover. I have quite a collection. My 3 dogs, Maggie, Jack and Jenna, my cat Tommy, and a cockateil, J-Bird. There have been also many hurt or abandoned wild animals I nursed. Squirrels, rabbits, birds and I know the pain when one doesn't make it. My boys each got a dog (from the shelter) for thier 3rd birthdays. They picked them out themselves, and each boy/dog relationship is extremely close and special. My oldest boy Brendan's dog, Maggie is almost 15 yr. old now, and starting to show it. I really worry about her, and how Brendan will handle it when her time comes. Bobby's dog, Jack is 9 yr. old, and still pretty spunky. Jenna is my son Sean's dog, a big goofy lovable yellow lab mix. She's 5 yr's old, but still thinks she's a puppy.

Last year, our cat Trixie died. It was especially hard on Bobby. He picked her out at the shelter, he passed up all the cute little kittens for this sickly older cat who had been a stray. But he loved her, and she loved him. He carried a picture of her around for quite a while after she died. My youngest son, Sean asked me yesterday, "Is Big Sean in Heaven with Trixie now?" I said yes he is, and they are our guardian angels. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about all of my little furry, four-legged loves. And that I understand your feelings for Nissa. Love, Laurie