This Weekend Will Be Hard

[magdalyn]

Hi all.

Tomorrow thru Sunday I will be going to my Grandma's house for a belated memorial for my dad. Some of his bros/sister will be there, and this will also be the first time i have seen any of them since he passed over 2 months ago.

I am having this weird issue of feeling like i am no longer a part of the family since he is gone now. I felt like thru some weird way that he was my connection to his side of the family, even though he was estranged from all of them. I really hope this isn't the case and I don't know why I am feeling this way. I hope it is just all in my head.

Anyway, this all has been really hard for me. Even though we didn't have a good relationship, just knowing that I did have a Dad out there was always comforting, and his family was my connection to him, and now he is gone. What is that saying, "Just one more day with him?" That is really hitting home right now. If I could just have one more day with him, if I could have just got to the hospital earlier when he was still coherent. I am so sorry Dad.

Sad today,

Magdalyn

[shell]

Magdalyn,

I understand the feeling you have. My dad had (has) a sister and a half sister, neither of which he was very close to. He was in the Air Force, so we rarely saw them (he didn't really care anyway) and since he is gone, I don't feel like we have ANY connection at all. We still send a Christmas card to his sister, but have cut off ties with his half-sister, since none of us liked her anyway. I just feel like they weren't that close to my dad and so I don't feel close to them either. Although, in your case, you may be pleasantly surprised if they turn out to be warm and comforting. Let's hope so. Good luck with it!

Hugs,

Shell

[starrgirl]

Magdalyn,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 32 years ago and I still miss him terribly. It doesn't hurt like it did at first, but there's still an empty spot. My grief counsellor says that God doesn't fill that empty spot because that relationship is still there, on hold maybe, but still there, and will be taken up again someday.

I found with my dad's family, that over the years, as we've all grown older and lost more and more of our family, that we've grown closer. They are all I have left of my dad, and I'm all they have left of their brother/uncle. When we all used to get together when I was a kid, my dad was famous for saying, "Let's eat quick before someone gets mad and goes home!" They didn't always get along well with each other. They used to each drive his/her own car so that if he/she DID get mad, going home did not involve waiting for a spouse to get ready to go!

Even though the first encounter with your dad's family has potential to be really tough, you may be surprised, as Shell said. I pray so, for your sake and for your family's sake. If some are distant, seek out the ones that are warm,hang with them, and leave the door open for the others to approach you. I pray that this weekend will bring some closure to you and your family, and a mending of relationships.

Let us know how it went.

hugs,

Martha

[Maylissa]

Stargirl,

"God doesn't fill that empty spot because that relationship is still there...and will be taken up again someday."

Your counselor put that beautifully! And I believe that's exactly right. Although a loss feels like a gaping hole, it really isn't, because that relationship with our loved one will never die. We just have to learn and figure out how keep that relationship alive with our loved ones even though they're in spirit now. But they still walk beside us and help us with our lives whenever and wherever they can.

I also must say that your dad certainly had a good sense of humour about his angry family! Talk about preplanning!

Magdalyn,

I'm very sorry for both the loss of your father and that your relationship with him was bumpy. That adds a lot of extra baggage to sift through now. I'd be rather nervous about this visit, too, if it were me, but there's always the chance that there will be an unexpected and pleasant outcome from these encounters with your relatives. It's often one extreme or the other, either families falling apart or becoming closer after a loss. If all you do is try to discern who feels safe for you and who doesn't, you will learn something valuable. At best, you'll have discovered a new and supportive connection to both your dad and at least someone in his family. Best of luck with this and try not to expect anything much from anyone. That way, if something goes well, it will be a pleasant surprise.

Edited November 10, 2006 by Maylissa

[Leann]

Hi, Magdalyn:

This is the first time I've logged on this weekend...my thoughts and prayers are with you that things went ok for you and your family. I truly think the death of parent changes the family dynamic no matter what. My brother and I are closer than ever and we talk several times a week. Even so, it's just not the same. We're both adults, each with busy lives of our own. I still feel disconnected from him and my Mom. Dad and I talked everyday. He kept me in the loop. I guess I'm just going to have to work harder at staying in the family loop now.

Take good care.

Love,

Leann

[magdalyn]

Hi all. Thanks for all of your support. The memorial turned out to be so appropriate for my father. As I said, this is the first time that I have seen any of them since before my father's death. It was something I think we all needed, though. And I was wrong about the disconnection. All I felt was warmth and togetherness. It was like the final chapter of closure, and a new beginning in his honor. We planted a tree and flowers around it in the backyard of my Grandma's house, the house that he grew up in. Now I feel as if I when I visit her, I can also visit that special spot for him. I was able to share my experience with them, and they shared good memories they had of them. My husband videoed it so I will always be able to watch it.

Of course it was very emotionally draining. Whatever tears I had not cried before, just came rolling out. It was a good release. There was a tree that fell in my Grandma's yard the day he died. So we made a big bonfire of the old wood, and planted the new one in it's place. I brought a piece of the wood home. And I have to say that the hardest, hardest part of grief is the emotional draining. Thanks again for listening, and the encouragement. You all are truly a godsend.

XOXO

Magdalyn

[starrgirl]

WONDERFUL!!! I'm SO thankful that it turned out to be a good (although draining) weekend. The memories will bring comfort in the coming days.

Awesome that the tree fell the day your dad died. And how appropriate to plant another in his memory! That's SO special!

Thanks for letting us know how it went!

BIG hugs,

Martha

[Leann]

I'm so glad things worked out, magdalyn!

Hugs,

Leann

[shell]

Magdalyn,

I'm so happy that it turned out ok and that you felt warmth from everyonte. The tree planting idea was beautiful!

Hugs,

Shell