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I Miss Him So Much


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Today has been a sad day for me, I've been crying all day... I can't believe we are going through this, it's terrible... my heart is so broken and I still feel it's shattering into little pieces, this feeling is too much to bare, really... I was feeling very depressed so I ended sleeping a couple of hours more, I didn't want to think at all, but I dreamt I was watching Christophe playing ping-pong (he used to play every week), in my dream I knew he would pass away, and that was all of it. I spent later watching pictures and newspaper cuts related with his ping-pong matches. I had to format my pc and I saved the important things in some cds, I wanted to save some things related with Chris into the pc again and when looking at the cds the one that had Chris's things was empty, SILLY me saved everything else properly except the most important of them. I really felt like dying, I can't believe I lost it, I feel so stupid, why didnt I make sure it was saved. I feel awful... it's like the weak shield I've been having is crumbling, I cherish so much every single thing related to him and I lost that cd, maybe it looks no big deal, but it is to me, I can't stop crying.. I miss my baby so much, he was my reason for everything I do and everything I am, living like this is way too painful. I just wish I could hear from him one more "I love you" or just hold him so very tight for a minute.

Hope all of you had a better weekend than I did, blessings to all of you,

Gaby

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Gaby,

I feel so awful for you. I too lost all of the last photos that I had of my man. They were on one of those little cards that go into the camara and I left it laying on the counter in the bathroom at the end of the day at work. The next day of course it was gone and no one had seen it (even the night cleaning staff...although I'm pretty sure that's where it went). It seemed at the time like the worst thing that could have happened to me (which wasn't true, the worst thing had happened weeks before). I too felt incredibly stupid and irresponsible and just plain hearbroken that I would never see that last photo of him again (that's the one that meant the most). I wish I could help you get your priceless computer data back and I wish that I had not put that photo card down on the counter for one minute as I washed my hands. I say it's all the fault of our computerized existence...it's not us! Please don't blame yourself too much, and please try not to dwell too much on what happened. I did for weeks and I still do often and I can see that I'll never get them back either. I had looked at the very last picture often and now I picture it in my mind and have tried to burn it in there so I'll remember. This is all so hard and you are so new at this that it seems like never ending agony. After 6 months, I can say that it still is never ending agony but it really will get better with time. Hang in there. I'm sure we'll all feel better after the 'holidays.'

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Gaby, I'm so sorry you had a hard weekend. I hate them too. You may be able to get that stuff back. Do you know anyone who knows alot about computers? Even if you deleted it, there might be a backup disc. It just happens that Sean's computer broke awhile ago and his cousin was fixing it. He had cleaned everything out of it. But I called him yesterday to ask if there was any way of getting it back. He said there is a backup disc that should still have everything on it. He said he's going to call me tommorrow and let me know if he was able to get it. I hope so, because we had alot on there. Pictures, emails, old IM's and even video files. Hopefully you know someone that can help you. Good luck Gaby, I know these things mean so much to us now. Love, Laurie

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Perhaps the following poem might help ease the pain:

G-d Saw You

G-d saw you getting tired

When a cure was not to be

So he wrapped his arms around you

And whispered, "Come to me".

You didn't deserve what you went through, So he gave you rest.

G-d's garden must be beautiful

He only takes the best.

And when I saw you sleeping,

So peaceful and free from pain,

I could not wish you back

To suffer that again. Author Unknown

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Gaby,

I am so sorry. I sort of know how you feel...George used to stay with some "friends" during the week because of his long commute, and when he died, a lot of his CDs were missing and I know they were there...they said he didn't have anything there, but that's not true, he LIVED there during the week! Of course it was his favorite CDs...he loved music and it was so much a part of him, to me it was kind of like losing him all over again. I kept the empty CD jackets...why I don't know. People don't understand, to us it's not just music, it's THEM!

Ther are experts that can get things off your hard drive even after its crashed, you might want to call a few people and get an estimate or idea of whether they think they can retrieve anything. You might even try some young people/geeks. There are even "Rent a Nerd"s in the phone book. I wish you luck!

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Gaby,

I am so sorry that happened to you. It is not silly to feel like you do. When Jay died I was obsessed with finding every little thing I could and burning it several times. I cant say anything that can ease your pain but please know that my thoughts are with you. I know better days are to come. One day at a time. Take care/.

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Thank you guys for your support, Im very sorry you too had lost important things related to with your loved ones... as kayc said, its feels like losing them all over again. I've been trying not to think much of it since it hurts alot, just one weight more to my pain... I have followed your advices and asked people who know alot about computers if I'm able t recover things and so far I have had a positive answer, but yet they've said there's little possibility, either way it's worth trying. I just need to find somebody who really knows what he's doing. Chris's things worth more than gold to me..

A friend of mine said something nice "What matters is what you have in your heart and memories, and that nobody will take away from you" I loved her phrase, gave me some peace.

Laurie, I wish you luck with your computer as well, hope you may recover everything that is related with Sean, I know how you're feeling, wish you luck too.

Myflyboy, its a beutiful poem, thanks for sharing it the phrase "G-d's garden must be beautiful He only takes the best" I loved it, it must be so..

Thank you again all of you, send you love and blessings,

Gaby

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