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Am I Losing My Mind?


Stallyn

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Hello all, My wife passed in march 2nd of this year, its been hell since then, anyways, I woke up this morning thinking my wife was sleeping next to me, I never experienced this until this morning, for 2 months I didn't have anything happen out of the ordinary except a few days I woke my self up conversing to my wife, joking and saying loving words to her, it really bothers me, has anyone had this experience? :wacko:

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We do such strange things when our loss is new. I know you're not wacko, just grieving. My "strange" thing after a year and a half is I can't see his face in my mind and I'd love to. I think I must feel he's lost to me for now, I don't know. Take your time, go slowly, you will get better. As they all told me, it just takes time. You'll never forget her, you'll just get used to this "new" life. Take care and be good to yourself.

Your friend....Karen

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Karen, thanks for assuring me my mind has not gone on hiatus, I too have a hard time seeing her in my mind too, too painful to do so, but I get subtle memories of her in various places, sometimes I hope to "snap" out of this and see her come home to me, I would feel better if i went to her grave in guatemala, but I can't afford it and physically unable to travel. I ask myself if I will ever have a new life, Its been a big nightmare, thanks for listening. God bless you!

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Rest easy tonight. Here's a funny story to go to bed with. My husband wanted to be cremated, so I did. I couldn't stand to have him in front of me so Jack finally went into the closet. He was there for a year or so when I finally called my friend and said we have to take him to the ocean where he wanted to be. Well, I'm not really near the ocean so we decided to take him to a nearby port. We got there, 1 1/2 hours later, went to the dock with what I thought was a biodegradable urn and couldn't get onto the dock. We finally found a beach, I waded out and put him in his ocean, hoping that the water would gently take him out there. Stupid, huh? The next day I got a call from the local police department saying the tide had brought Jack back in and what were they to do about him. I don't know. She talked to her supervisor and said she would bring him back home again. She drove up in a big black car and brought Jack back home, dripping wet. He got a police escort back home. Well, whatta do you do. I put him on top of the dryer and prayed. The next day our dog and I went to one of our favotite fishing spots, I walked out in the water again, set him down with a prayer and waited while the waves took him out to his ocean. When I told others about this, they just laughed and laughed because they knew my Jack was sitting on my shoulder cracking up about his silly wife. Try to go to sleep with a smile?

Your friend.....Karen

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Karen, that is funny, I guess he liked the closet better right? He sailed away wow that brings a new chapter in your life, perhaps you might get a call from china next week if you left a note in it :) Thank you that was amusing, I will make the effort to get some sleep, I don't look good with the bags under my eyes :wacko:

Hugs,

William

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Dear William and Karen, I am so sorry about the loss of your spouses. I couldn't possibly have any words of wisdom and can't even imagine. You have found a wonderful place to get your feelings out. These boards were a lifeline after my mom died six months ago. I was just checking in today and noticed that both of you are new...so welcome.

Take care...Lori

Karen...I loved that story that you just shared!

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Hi Stallyn,

I really feel for you; this is a tough, tough road we're walking, and reading of other's experiences while recovering from the death of a loved one provides, at least, insight, and potentially a light at the end of the tunnel. My beautiful wife (she was my best friend too) died in February of 06' and I have yet to experience the seemingly common occurrence you describe of waking with thoughts that a spouse who has died is still alive. I've never felt that she was going to walk through the door at any minute or any of the other similar sensations that are often described. I don't know whether this is a result of personal makeup, or whether the nature of her death plays a role. Dealing with the death of a spouse is such a solitary experience even when there are others to speak or exchange thoughts with.

I do have intermittent dreams with my wife and I living life as we did--happy, laughing often, and always enjoying each other's company. When I wake up, I'm immediately, and painfully aware that I was dreaming. I suppose this is similar to what you just experienced. It feels as though I'm ripping open a barely healing wound each time. If you woke speaking with your wife, it seems you were dreaming of her, and if your dreams are like mine, your wife is alive and well--and very, very real. The waking realization that the person loved most is not alive, but seemed to be moments ago is, of course, painful.

I truly wish I had some words of wisdom for you in dealing with this, but I'm muddling through myself. You are not alone though. I for one, have had similar unhappy experiences.

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Lori & Steven, just reading your posts opens my eyes further, I know our experiences may be different, I don't feel new to the pain anymore though, I kinda gotten numb I suppose, always feeling that part of me that died with my wife, Steven I havent had ANY dreams with my wife, I don't know why that is. I been making alot of rash decisions lately compensating for my loss, anyone experience that?

God bless you all!

William

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William,

Everything you experience while grieving is normal...although you will sometimes think you are losing your mind, you're not! It's a painful, confusing, even wacky journey. As far as making rash decisions, join the club! You are so new to this (less than two months!) that you are right about being numb at this point. That will pass and you'll enter a different phase. It might also be helpful to read some books on grief or any of the wonderful articles available through this site. Just remember that you are not going crazy and keep posting. You'll soon learn almost all of us have been where you are now and have had similar experiences. It helps keep you "grounded" to know it's normal!

A bug hug to you,and I'm so sorry for your loss,

Shell

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It hasn't been that long since you lost her, you're still used to having her in your life, so it doesn't strike me as unusual at all.

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Thanks for the assurance & input, I been finding myself doing alot of crazy things, for example last month I went manic and almost bought a car without realizing the end result,and at the same token, I tried singles sites, whew such bad choices, what do you guys do to fill the "void"? bless you all

William

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William,

I'm sure you're not being literal when you say "fill the void" but it's worth mentioning that trying to replace the irreplaceable positions us in a very difficult condition. Many years ago, I worked on art projects, and following the recent death of my wife, I started purchasing all sorts of art-related tools, equipment, media, books--you name it. I have yet to use any of it. Anyone need 12 ostrich eggs? In my case, this approach seems to be of the band-aid variety. I'm trying to address pain with stuff. I'm probably on the right track, but rather than collecting stuff related to expression, I should be expressing--sketching, writing, painting--anything that might help release, or at least address the pain. What do you think?

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"anyone need 12 ostrich eggs?" :D I love that. I've done the same thing. And I think we've all felt we've lost our minds at times and felt ourselves doing things out of the ordinary.

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Steven,

I suppose it could be literal since I "feel" a void, not complete anymore, I been doing the same, spend spend spend, but at the end of the day I am still unhappy and poorer, I think I might have 24 ostrich eggs by now, but it is forgotten like alot of things have been lately, I think what you are doing is a good thing, art soothes the soul, I wish I could draw :excl:

William

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