What Do I Do Now?

[jolee]

hello,

i am not sure where to start, or where this ends. my husband of 9 years went to town to a go to a gathering. his brother called and said i have to get up to the hospital, he quit breathing. the hospital is 23 miles away from our house, and it took me 8 minutes to get there. i got to the hospital, and the whole family was there. the nurses came out, and said that he had passed away. i ran into the room that he was in, and was talking to him, begging him to come back to us, but he didnt. this happen april 18, 2004. we had the wake and funeral, and over 300 people came. the house was full of people, the kids were all running around and the family was gathered. now, i am all alone. i go to work, and try to keep myself strong enough to keep going. but i am lost in so many ways. i cant remember things, i have some sort of video that plays in my head, i see him, smell him, and miss him. we entangled every part of our lives together. sometimes, i cant hardly breathe, and have to remind myself to do just that. one day, i sat at the table and smoked cigarettes, before i knew it the day was gone, and so was 4 pks of cigarettes. i tried to get his things together, but i cant. i tried to keep busy, and not think, but i still keep remembering. i cant watch the tv, because he is not there to watch with me. i sleep and wake myself up crying. i work at a very stressful job, and that will make me cry, my stomache hurt, and feel like i am so tied up in knots i dont know where any balance is. people that came all went back to thier lives. family has gone back to thier lives. the kids have become very busy with thier lives. and i am here. my life is gone too, at least that is how it feels. i am not this strong. there are things around the house that was his jobs, now i am trying to do them. the bills keep coming in and there is no money to pay them. the kids need things, and i try to keep up with all of that. our boy graduated from high school, but his dad was not there. he did not even want to go to his own graduation. my husband and i shared a path that was full of supporting and respecting each other, we were soul mates and knew that from the time we met. i dont know what to do. i feel like i am going crazy. i dont want to talk on the phone, and i dont want to answer the door. i have responsiblities and commitments, and attempt to keep up with them, but some of them i have called and said i can no longer be a part of. i need to take some time off work, but without a job, i have no way of paying any of the bills. people say, time will fix it, some say that i am young and will find some one new, i dont want no one new. some say that i will get used to it, just dont cry and dont let yourself be lonely. i cant listen to these people, because it just hurts my heart. i know that they mean well, but it doesnt seem to make sence to me. i trying to be a good strong woman, but at the same time, i just cant make this understanding to be true. i keep waiting for him to come home. i seen him buried, but that is like a dream, and waiting for him to drive in seems real. i cannot seem to get it. i dont know what to do, or how to do it, dont know what is right, and how not to go crazy here. my cousin found this place, said to write. so i am writing. thank you for listening to me. i appriciate your time.

[goldsunshine897]

May God bless you Jolee. My heart goes out to you because I know exactly what you're feeling. The worst part of this is probably the unexpectedness of his death. I too lost my soulmate- 3 weeks ago. What's irritating are the people who want me to "hurry up and get over him". It's only been 3 wks! I lived with my boyfriend for 8 yrs and I can't see enjoying life without him. This is hard for both of us, and if you ever need for someone to listen I'm here.

[yellowroseoftex03]

Dear ((Jolee))

I've been going through a lot of the same..People mean well but they don't really know what its like unless there going through it. Some of our friends even quit calling because they don't know what to say. My Eddie passed New Years Eve and it felt like the whole world stopped, I was in a fog, and still am at times. I have a very close friend that I talk to a lot who lost her husband a couple of years ago. I would actually call her and still do every morning and say at times what do I do now. She will say do the dishes and call me right back. It's one min at a time. I've always been one to do things myself never asking for help. Its ok to say I need help, you don't need to be alone right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers, If you need to talk just let me know on here ok. You are not alone. Love, Theresa

[bena]

Jolee, I'm not going to tell you it gets better or to get over it because I don't know if we ever will. My husband died suddenly last Aug. It seems like yesterday and my pain is there every day.

I experienced a lot of the same things you described the first months after his death. You go thru the emotions of living but you really aren't. You do what is expected of you but you really aren't there. I thought this last March I was OK, so took a short trip to see his grown children who couldn't come when Bob died and also to take care of some real estate business in another state. The trip only made it worse. The worse depression set in when I returned. They say you go thru stages of grief and when those stages are going to hit, we just don't know. But allow youself time to go through them. I am and I don't care how long it takes. I know as the year annivesary approaches, I am going to have a difficult time. We were married for 23 yrs. and together 25 yrs. I don't think anyone has the right to expect us to do our healings in weeks or months when we have lost the loves of our lives. The pain for me today, is like this all happened yesterday even tho it's been ten and a half months. When people tell me it will get better, I ask them to give me a date when this will happen, and then they are usually silent. Please, Jolee, give yourself time, all the time you need and no one knows better than you how much time that is.

[joane]

Hi,

I lost my husband in dec.2001 and he had only been sick for 2 months and before that he had never been sick. We got married when he was 18 and I was 17, so as you can see we grew up together. We have 5 children and they all live near me. We were married 41 years and I don't even remember the first year after his death, it like a black hole to me. We went everywhere together and we made decicion together although he paid all the bills. right now I feel like I am greiving mor now than when he first died. What makes it even harder is that I haven't been able to cry at all. This may sound silly but I feel I must set an example for my grown children. My husband and I were also rasing 2 granddaughters and they felt their papa was their father as their father never came around. During this summer the granddaughters have gone to stay with their mother and I still can't cry and I feel so alone. There are days that I don't feel like going on but I know I have to. I have been to dr. and Ian on some medication that is helping some. I also am trying to find everything on greiving and I noe understand it takes some people longer than others and it is truly hard on a person as you go through it. I also know the lord never gives more than we can handle. god Bless Joanie