I Dread The Phone Call...

[MaFille]

I'd like to start by introducing myself. My name is Angele and I am 26 years old. I am relieved to have found a site such as this one. Please bear with me for this is my first post of this sort.

I have been raised by my mother and maternal grandmother. All my life I have been unbelievably close to these women, as to this day. My grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer right before mothers day. This is a woman who never once has been sick and you could never tell that she is 75 years old. She was insanely active and is the only person I can truly be myself with, without feeling any judgment. She understands me as I understand her. We have a weird sort of connection that way. She always said I am like her daughter not her granddaughter. After the diagnosis they ran a bunch of tests to see if she was a candidate for the surgery to remove one thrid of her lung. She was deemed healthy as an ox, (with the exception of the cancer) so the procedure was scheduled for 2 weeks later. For those 2 weeks I went to her house every lunch hour to make her lunch, do her hair, nails, wash the house and whatever else she needed. I felt so happy that I work accross the street from her and I could take advantage of that to see her every lunch hour.

So I dont think I need to go into elaborate detail of what this woman means to me. As anyone who is close to a grandparent knows its an amazing sort of love.

She was sceduled for surgery on a Tuesday and I was going to go see her Wednesday. The family got a call on Tuesday afternoon telling us that the surgery went very well and she was doing great~ We were thrilled! My strong stubborn "memere" was ok. Thank God....

Tuesday night, we get a phone call form her doctor telling us to come up as soon as possible since she had a heart attack as the medication was wearing off, her kidneys had failed and her lungs had collapsed. Since we were all 1 hr away, we hopped into the car and got there ASAP. The doctors told us to be prepared for the worst and to pray. We were devestated! I cant begin to explain the pain and emptiness I felt at that very moment.

She held on for a week like that, still in the ICU, on a ventilator, on heart and bp meds. We continued to pray. 2 weeks pass and she starts wake up when im in her room. She squeezes my hand and I rub her hair. You see her tears stream down her face as she cannot talk. I stayed there for so long until they had to get me to leave. I love her sooo much and I wanted to be there til she sat up and told me she was ready to come home...

If youre still with me thank you sooo much! I cant add more stress on my family by expressing all of this. Even if no one is reading, its still helpful.

So now she is slowly getting better and doctors are amazed. They tell us how well she is doing, they lower her oxygen, she regulates her own heart and bp and she is less sedated. I had an amzing visit with her. I was in her ICU room and I was kissing her cheek. She woke up and to my surprise grabbed my arm very tightly~ Signaled me to move sides of the bed so that she could see me better. Keep in mind at this time she has a tracheotomy inserted and is unable to talk but is coherant. I begin to smile as she opens her eyes. She smiled so big that i thought her face would crack.. Finally my grandmother had re- emerged. My "memere" was back. I started joking with her as I always do, I told her she is still running the show and making us pay attention. You could hear her laugh through her trach. It was a beautiful sound, as beautiful as the first cries of my babies. She continues to rub my hands as though I was in need of comforting. She motions me for a kiss. With pleasure I get up on my tip-toes; as her bed is so high and I kiss my "memere" one last time while she is awake.

I tell her that I am getting married and that I want her to hurry up and get out so she can finally see it happen.. That laugh once again.. I explain to her how badly I feel about going through with my wedding since she wont be there~! I had 7 years prior to do so, but unfortunetly this summer was the time we could do it.. She looks at me with this warm yet pissed off look, she mouths the words, " Finally, go get married and be happy. Have fun "ma fille" (my girl in french) I started to cry and I thanked her.... I hugged her as though I knew that it would be that last time that I would be able to feel her warmth, comfort and spunk. I left the room when she fell asleep and I couldnt get that grin off my face. I had told my grandmother everything I wanted to. Thanked her for raising me a strong woman like her, thanked her for teaching me how to be a mother. Told her how much I loved her.

I knew that she had come to peace with her condition and I knew that she did not have much time left here with us..

Today at 5pm, I am waiting by the phone because her 3 oldest childrea are meeting with her various specialists. She has taken a turn for the worse. They must make a decision. She is not responding to dialysis at all as she is producing blood clots. They had to sedate her immensily as everything is shutting down and she is in agony. She is now once again soley dependant on the ventilator.

The doctors need to know what we want to do. A new form of dialysis which her body isnt strong enough for or no dialysis at all. Well, we know these both lead to the end.

I am devestated to no end. I dont know how to deal with this. I cant imaging my life without my "memere", my saturday spaghetti suppers at her house, my crazy lunch hour talks and the simple knitting lessons I enjoyed so very much!

I have 2 daughters, they need me to be strong, attentive and alert. I cant help but feel sad and absolutely heart broken. This is the first time I have gone through this. I know its a natural progression of life, but I cant accept that my "memere" (grandmother in french) will no longer be around..

ITs so long Im sooo sorry! but thank you for letting me express myself... I guess I just need to know that I'm going to be ok, and that she is going to a better place..

With grattitude for your reading,

Angele

[Tracey B]

Hi Angele

I know what you are going throw,for i just lost my mom she was to be fine just about got home,than I got the phone call she was not good from 1am to 5:30 i watch her try to breath Iam not sure if she know i was there or not hope she did.She to had the big C but it was in her month she made it throw a 10hour operation and i take care of her for 2 years this year i started my own business and she got to see it and baked for my grand opening.Now she is gone and I feel very lost can't seem to work or think. I looked over a few note my staff left and it made no sense to me.Try to do next week hour i could not. Be thankful for the time you had and knowing she wwished you the best.I also lost my dad 8 years ago at this same time, having my mother around gave me the enregy to go on.Your kids will help you make it.I do belive there is a better place and she will be there.But their will be pain for you that i do know that and tears will flow hope this helped Iam still trying to deal with it all thinking i could have done something,but will never no.My mom had DNR so she called the shots till the end.Good luck

[AnnieO]

Angele

I am so sorry about your grandmother. Although, your post was so sad, it also told of a beautiful, loving relationship with your grandmother. A relationship that not many people get the chance to have with their grandmothers. She sounds like a very special woman. I am sure the months ahead will be so hard, but keep your memories of her, close to your heart and also know you got the opportunity to tell her all the things you needed to tell her and she heard you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[shell]

Angele,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I just lost my mom two weeks ago. It is so hard. Your grandmother was a very strong woman and I can tell you have the same strength. You will be ok, never over it, but ok. It is so wonderful you had that last, touching moment with her. She wanted you to be happy, so try to honor her wishes. And, please, don't appologize for your post being too long. That's what we are all here for, to express our feelings. So feel free to write as much as you want! It helps you and us too.

Hugs,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Dear Angele, I am so sorry about your grandmother. It's a very hard time for you, but you will be ok. I lost my mom 8 months ago today and my daughter who is your age was very close to my mom. She is getting married in October and of course wanted her grandmother there. She, too, had a special connection with my mom different from my other daughter or my moms other grandchildren. She said everything she wanted to say to my mom and I know my mom is watching over her right now as she prepares for her wedding. Your grandmother loves you and only wants your happiness. You are are a part of her, you carry her genetics, so remember she is within you.

It's very sad what you are going through, but you will be ok. It will take time and we're all here to help you in any way.

Take care...Lori

[lorikelly]

Angele

What a love you and your grandma have. i am sorry for this. i can only say that we are all here for you . please keep coming back. your memere loves you and always will . lori

[STARKISS]

Hi Angele,

First of all I want to say that I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. When my mom died she had beaten two different cancers and we thought she was going to be okay... We took a trip to one of her favorite places for vacation which is Las Vegas... On the second last day there she started not feeling well, but we just figured it must have been something she ate... But by the evening of the last day she seemed to be worst so we all decided to go to be early and get a good night sleep thinking that is all she needed... The next day we woke up early since it was the day we were to leave for Canada... I got up first and started to pack things up... Dad woke up shortly after and helped me get things packed... We thought it was strange that mom was not awake yet so I went over to where she was sleeping and rubbed her shoulder and called her name but nothing seemed to wake her up... Dad shook her and still nothing happen... We than phoned down to the front desk to ask for help and they sent up the doctor of the hotel... He took one look and called for an ambulance to come right away... Shortly there after she was worked on and than transported to the hospital... I went down to the front desk and told them that we would not be leaving and to arrange for another night at the hotel... Dad went in the ambulance with mom and after eight hours came back to the hotel to tell me that she did not wake up and that she is on a breathing machine... We called Canada to tell our family there what was happening and my two brothers and my sister came down on the red eye the very next night... Mom went into the hospital on Saturday and she did not wake up and the doctor's said she would never wake up because her body was shutting down... She had gone into a diabetic coma and her kidneys and heart had stopped working properly... As the family arrived we spoke together and decided that we would stop the machines and let her go... It was so very hard to do this but we knew that it was what she wanted us to do if this happened... So you see sometimes you have to make decisions that are bad for you but good for the person who is suffering.... It now has been two years ago this happen but I do have times where I think it was yesterday but it is not as hard as it was at first.... Take care and I hope this helps... I will keep you and your family in my prayers and if you ever just need someone to listen please email me.... Shelley