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Bad Timing For A Grief Burst


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Hello,

It's been a little over 6 months since my mom died. I am not in a very good place and really struggling with my emotions. The grief bursts come more often and harder to get thru. But I had one this past week-end, I wanted to share with you. I went to Rockford,Il. for my son's soccer tournament. The team and families rode a bus. (14 hours of togetherness) The first night, we ALL went out to dinner. I went to sit with my husband, and was told the "women" were sitting at a different table. I hate being split up "girls at one table, boys at the other". I made a slight protest, but slowly gave up and sulked over to the "girls" table. On my way there, I got a phone call, we were getting an offer on my parents house. A good thing, right? No, I guess it wasn't. I burst into tears, tried to compose myself, but had to leave and go outside. I sobbed and sobbed. So, now the entire group is trying to figure out what has happened. I finally came back in, made it thru dinner, but didn't say a word. Tonight I walked up to the soccer field and everyone was treating me like I was so fragile, the funniest was, I started to set up my chair and people were scattering all over the place, making sure I had room, and wanting to know where I wanted to sit. All of a sudden, I just started laughing, they were afraid if I didn't get to sit where I wanted, I might start crying again! It makes me laugh to think about it! Next time at dinner I bet I get to sit with my husband! I wish you all a peaceful night.

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Annie,

Six months was a very hard time for me also. I thought immediatly after my Mom passed would be the hardest. In some ways it was-- I was still so numb-- in other ways-- no. At first my head new she was gone. At four, six, nine, my heart aches so much because I miss her so much. Waves of grief comes at different stages. You have to just go with to get through it. In some ways it gets easier. But the pain just gets different. So close to a year for my Mom and sometimes I still ask myself if it's real. I'm sorry you were so sad but you made me laugh when I am also having a hard time right now. Thanks.

June 21, 2006 is when we found out Mom had cancer. I spent the night at the hospital that night with her. Just trying to be upbeat and get through the night with her and hold myself together. I can tell you where I was June 1, 2006 - July 16, 2006. Everyday. Dr. appt. for her, etc., I just keep reliving everything. I'm sure this is normal.

So anyway, your ups and down are normal, Annie. Thanks, again, for making me laugh. Besides, who wants to go eat out and not eat with their husband anyway.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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Annie, that was funny! Sad, but funny! I too am having "grief bursts" as today marks exactly 8 months that I lost my mom. I went to return something to my friends house (she isn't a close friend) and she said that I seemed down when she talked to me on the phone a couple times lately and why I was down. I looked at her and burst out crying. First I thought "How stupid, don't you completely understand what I'm going through?" than I was just sad. People care, they just don't know how to react to our grief sometimes.

Take care...Lori

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Trudy,

You are exactly right. I thought the worst part of this journey would be right after my mom died. But, right now it hurts so bad I can't stand it.

My dad is getting worse and worse and the only person I want to talk about it with is my mom. I want her here to help me, help my dad. My dad's dementia is getting very bad and he gets upset with me because I won't drive him to see my mom or help him dial the phone to call her. I keep telling him she has died, but he can't keep that in his mind. Or, he thinks I am my mom, which is really hard.The realtor that is selling their house ,keeps asking me to meet her there for different things.I finally told her yesterday, I can't walk in that house one more time.

The other day my husband was sitting out on our deck, I noticed he was really sad and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I just miss your mom so much". I forget about other people's sadness because mine seems so great. I was sad for him but also thought how wonderful it was that my mom meant so much to my husband too.

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My mom will be gone 1 yr this july 3rd. i am leaving for disney world tomorrow and will be returning on july 2nd. i did this to keep my mind occupied the week before she passed. i know i will relive each day up to her passing. i hope disney will keep me occupied.

i don't care anymore what people think if i feel sad. i miss my mom so much and if they don't like it , the HELL with them. she was my mom and i love her and miss her so. someone asked me if july 3rd will be real hard well of course but i also said i won't her any more or less that day, i just MISS HER everyday . i just try to keep busy. when i am sitting home that is when it creeps up on me. at night i crawl into bed and watch tv that keep my mind occupied. this may seem crazy but i feel less of a person with out her. before i enjoyed everyday of life now somedays are difficult. don't get me wrong i have come along way in these 11 mos and i am proud of that. but somedays it is so damm hard.

i will talk to you all when i get back. God Bless Lori

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Annie,

It's so nice when we know that other people have not forgotten our Moms. Since the time that Mom has passed, people would always say "So, how are you doing" It always made me feel good. Not because they wanted to know how I was doing but because they remembered her. They remembered she was alive. She was my Mom and that she had been special in this world.

As for as going to your parents home with the realtor, I'm glad you knew your limits. Someone posted on here a while back, "I can only handle what I can do. And Do only what I can handle." Thank you to whoever wrote that because I live by that now. Now it doesn't bother me to just say no. I don't have to explain. If you've been there like you, me, Lori and everyone else at this site, you understand. For Mothers Day, I did not want people to wish my a "HAPPY" Mother's Day. I couldn't be in church with so many people and their mothers. I wasn't happy so I stayed home. My family was wonderful. They understood.

Annie, I am so sorry about your Dad getting worse. That has got to be really hard to deal with on top of everything else. If you ever need an ear, email me. I'll send you my cell number and we can talk. God Bless you.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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This is all so sad to me. I am going through a hard time now, too. I miss my mom so much. Thanks to all of you for understanding what this feels like. I wish we could all meet and just sit and talk. Nobody else really and truly understands.

Take care...Lori

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AnnieO,

My Mom had dementia too and got to the point where she thought HER dad died 2 and a half years ago, not her husband, MY father! I finally just let her believe what she wanted to, or what she thought was real. For her, in her own world, it was true. That is one of the hardest parts of dealing with someone with dementia, having to realize they live in a different reality than we do. I feel for you, it's very hard emotionally. And I know what you mean about wanting to talk to him about your mom and you can't. It killed me when I couldn't share stuff with my mom, who was the first person I would share anything with!

Lorikelly,

I feel the same way. I don't care if i have emotional bursts or not. If someone doesn't understand, tooooo bad! I try to stay busy too and it works for awhile, but late at night I get weepy and have a good cry. I also watch tons of TV to keep my mind occupied. I hope you have a good trip. Let us know how it went when you get back!

LoriS,

I, too, wish we could all get together and talk. What a terrific support group we'd have! At least we have this board, thank God. Hang in there.

Hugs to all,

Shell

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Thanks Trudy...a big hug goes out to you too! My husband urged me to go out with him today to go bike riding at the beach. I did NOT want to go because it's out of my comfort zone right now. I somehow found strength to go and I told myself that even if I don't want to be there that I NEED to be there and try to go along with things for him. I ended up having a pretty good good time. I "heard" my mom say to me "Lori dear (she always called me Lori dear)you MUST move on and go and do things. It's ok to have a good time". I have tried and have come a long way, but for some reason this 8 month mark is really hitting me strongly.

Thanks all of you...without you guys I would have continued to completely fall apart!

Take care...Lori

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Trudy, thanks...wish we could all live in the same place!

LoriS,

Good for you! Sometimes we have to force ourselves a little to get on with things. The eight month mark has come up before, I think. I think grief just comes in waves. As we've said many times, it's a roller coaster ride. Seems just when you think you're doing better, you slide down the other side again....BUT, you will go up again too, so hang in there!

Hugs to all,

Shell

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LoriS,

You know, I have seen progress in you. I've told Shelley the same thing. I think we all can see progress better in others than in ourselves. But you have definitely gotten "better". So when you have your lapses and feel like your slipping backward, remember that it's temporary and you will be more in control again.

Hugs,

Shell

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Thanks Shell!!! That made my day! I have to say that I have been feeling much better the last few days. My doctor and I switched things up a bit with my medication and I am starting to feel more back to myself again. I have been a manicurist for 23 years on and off, part time and full time, and last year I broke my arm and couldn't work, than my mom became ill so I flew back east to be with her until she died, than the cleaning out of her apartment, than the intense grief, etc. I have been doing some bookkeeping for my husbands business, but I really miss the independence that I had with my job, and I made some very good friends in my clients over the years. So, I am seriously thinking of doing nails again part time. A friend of mine that I worked with years ago just opened a quaint spa near my house and we talked about putting together spa packages with manicures and pedicures. I called a few of my old clients and they were thrilled. It made me feel great to know that I had been missed. I think a lot of what we're feeling (at least I know for me to be true) is that I didn't feel needed. When my mom was alive, I knew she needed me and I needed her. It's just a basic human trait, but when it isn't there from a person that you are so close to, it just seems like the world around you doesn't matter or make sense anymore. I know my mom would be thrilled if I went back to doing nails again; she always loved when I would give her a manicure! Whenever I would go to visit her, she would always remind me to bring all my manicure tools and her favorite polishes. She especially would love when I would put lotion on her arms and give her a massage. It was a special time that we shared when we were together.

Today is my youngest daughters 21st birthday. My mom loved my daughters so much. I almost feel her happiness and a feeling of being proud that her youngest grandaughter has reached a right of passage.

I miss my mom so much sometimes that it hurts. I miss her so much, but I know that she would not want me to be miserable all the time. So I am really going to try. Also switching my meds around has definately helped, I can't deny that aspect, too.

Thanks everybody for listening.

Take care, Lori

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Lori,

I am glad you are feeling better. I am still trying to decide about medication.Some days I think I need it and then I will have a better day and think maybe I don't.

I wanted to tell you about a friend of mine. She had just lost her second husband(both husbands died of a brain tumor) She was really struggling and was so depressed, not really wanting to go on. Someone talked her into going for a manicure. She and the technician got talking, conversation turned to horses. My friend used to ride years horses years ago. The tech. ownes a horse and talked my friend into coming out to the barn and meeting her horse. My friend now ownes 3 horses, shows them all and has many friends in the horse world. She and the manicurist are the best of friends and my friend tells everyone that getting her nails done that day and meeting the tech. saved her life. So, I am not surprised that your clients are happy you are thinking about coming back!

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Thanks Annie. I have been on medication since 1995 for panic attacks. We had just had the Northridge earthquake and my mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and was given a 30% chance to live. Long story short, I was so panic stricken and depressed and she was getting better! I fell into such a state that landed me in the hospital. I always felt I had some anxiety, even as a child I was painfully shy, but I always got through it somehow. But between the earthquake and my mom, I thought I'd die. Medication has just been a part of my life for so many years, but every so often an issue will arise that sends me out of control with depression...example my moms death. I expected to grieve, but I couldn't function. That's when my dr. switched things and what he switched me to wasn't the right thing for me. But now that I'm back on my old meds, things seem brighter.

Don't forget, you are dealing with a lot of issues with your dad and the recent loss of your mom must have put you in a talespin. You are dealing with quite a lot right now and medication may help you through. I would try counseling first, though...just a thought.

I loved the story about your friend, her manicurest, their friendship and their horses! It's true that special friendships can form in the manicuring business.

Thanks again!

Take care...Lori

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Lori,

I think that's a great idea about you going back to work. I know what you mean about not being needed. My mom and I were always right there for each other and knew we could always count on each other. Like you said, she needed me and I needed her. I took our neighbor out to lunch today (she's my moms age) to thank her for all she did for me while my mom was sick. She lives alone and her kids are busy, so she was really happy to get out and do something. It made me feel good to give her a nice day, and in a way, it made me feel needed.

I'm sure your clients would love to come to you again and I think it would help you a lot! Good luck.

And yes, meds do help you to cope! I couldn't function without mine! I, too, have a long history of panic attacks, so I know where you're coming from. Just wish I had had these meds years ago!

A big hug,

Shell

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Thanks Shell! I am going to meet with my friend at the end of this week and go over the details. Than next week we're going to Arizona to visit our daughter and her fiance, so I'm thinking it will be the following week. Since I had gone to part time a couple of years ago, and I traveled back and forth to see my mom while she wasn't able to travel here anymore, I only have a handful of clients that I kept in touch with. But it's a start and I really want to get back into it slowly, at least until after my daughters wedding. 2-3 days a week is fine with me for a few hours. That's all I want to do anyways at this time.

Thanks again!

Take care...Lori

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