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Punching Walls


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When I'm not crying, or avoiding, or distracting myself, I find I'm really pissed off about my mom's death. I don't know what to do with all the pent up energy that comes from this deep anger either. I can picture myself punching walls, screaming, and perhaps going mad in another dimension. But god forbid, I have to keep my composure, I still have to get up each morning, I still have to go to work, go to school, and live. But I'm so angry that my mom's gone. Not at her, jeezz no, I'm mad at the world, at this life, at the way our society portrays death in such a dark light that we are all too afraid to talk about it until everything hits the fan and we have no other option. In other countries death is not such be all end all, it's more part of the cycle, and in buddhism they even celebrate death days over birthdays. How strange... My mom never talked to me about death, and when my grandmother died my mom competely lost control and seeing her go through that awful pain, I hoped that I'd have the chance to prepare myself better. But that obviously wasn't the case, so now I'm sad, and I'm really really mad. Where's she gonna be when I need advice, when I get married, when I need a grandmother for my kids. She had so many more years in her, there was so much to look forward to. And to think she was just barely starting to continue on in her own life from loosing my grandma...

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Hello,

I can completley identify with the punching walls, I've done it twice and let me tell you it felt good at the time but my hand hurts like hell. I haven't found a way to get rid of my anger but what I try to do is think of something good about my mom which doesn't work all the time. My hand still hurts and I find myself wanting to hit the wall or anything again, just to try to transfer the pain. Our minds go through so many different emotions during grief it's just amazing one minute you could be enjoying a movie, the next minute you're crying like a baby or angry as hell or totally depressed. Being angry is okay, trust me, hitting the wall or something only lessons the pain for a very short time, 5 minutes maybe. If you want to punch the wall or something, put a pillow in front of it and then punch, that way you won't hurt your hand. Once I figure out what to do with my anger I will for sure let you know.

hang in there

Dawn

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Chuckles and Dawn,

The anger is so normal. I have even resented other people who are still alive. Like, why did they get to live and my parents didn't? And my parents were both in their eighties, so I shouldn't feel that way, but sometimes I do! I also have hit things and hurt my hands. I almost laughed, Dawn, when I read your post! I think we all need to get punching bags and gloves, so that we can take out our anger without demolishing ourselves!

Hugs,

Shell

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Shell,

When you made the statement about being mad about others still living- oh! how I could relate to that. I do not go out much, anymore- for one thing my crying can hit at any moment and I do not feel like being in public and starting..... But, I had gone to Cracker Barrel, with my family- and I found myself looking around and every lady in that place that was mom's age or older, I hated....... I had thoughts, like HOW CAN YOU STILL BE LIVING AND MY PRECIOUS MOM IS GONE....... I got up and went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out- people lauging and having a good time---------- it made me sick to my stomach! I have never been mad at mom, though- and I never will- it was not her choice to leave us, she told me many times You all need me, oh!! she just did not know how much.

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Hi all,

Get all the help you can at this point. We can't always be strong and handle everything. Sometimes we need extra help, and why make any of this harder than it has to be? It actually takes more courage sometimes to get help, rather than fall apart by trying to do it all on our own.

Big hugs to al,

Shell

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I'm feeling much better today. Actually, since I've started posting here I've felt relieved to finally begin talking about my mom, and this whole experience. I'm still looking for a support group on Fridays or Sundays. I work and go to school full time, and it means so much to me to be able to continue these normal routines. My mom was my biggest support and I know she would hate to see me not following my dreams. I miss her so badly, it's been over four months now and I just can't believe I haven't talked to her in such a long time! If anyone knows of a group on Fri or Sun, please let me know.

I know I still have a long road ahead, but I'll tell everyone one thing, I don't know that it gets any "easier" but I guess I'm getting used to missing and remembering my mom, rather than seeing and talking to her, and as it all beings to sink in, for real, the overwhelming part eases at least because it all becomes less shocking. At first the grief was so strong I felt out of control and completely overwhelmed. I'm learning what to expect and how to release my sadness these days and it's really helped. It literally took 3-4 months but my boyfriend said to me yesterday that he can tell the old me is finally starting to show itself again, so that was good to hear.

I hope this helps those of you who have just lost their loved ones. I know what it's like to feel completely out of sorts, and I still do sometimes, but there is light within our tunnel, we've just got to get ourselves up and start walking towards it. The denial was a big thing for me, I just wouldn't let myself believe it at first. But these things are not able to be ignored and so it crept up on me and I've had a couple breakdowns. The first step has been to admit that things have changed in not just one direction, but all directions. Good luck everyone, my thoughts are with you.

-Chuckles

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Chuckles,

I think you are, indeed, heading toward your light. I'm so glad to hear it and to know you are on the way to healing. You may have setbacks, but just continue to walk toward that light. You are definitely thinking your way through this and that is really important...good job!

Hugs,

Shell

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I'm trying, but sometimes I think too much. I try to rationalize loosing my mom, and why more importantly she lost her life, why she wasn't given the opportunity to enjoy her retirement years. To work so hard your entire life and then in one moment, life became so fragile that her body wasn't able to hold on. I'm glad that she didn't suffer as much as people who get cancer, or die in car crashes, etc. But she never got a chance to really even voice her final wishes. I got an idea from reading journals and talking to her friends, but it's these type of questions that I wish I could answer and I know I'll never be able to. That's the hardest part. I'm used to fixing problems, and finding solutions. This has none, and I have so many questions about what's going to happen now, and what life would have been like had none of this happened. I guess that's all just me missing my wonderful, funny, goofball mom...

I start school again tomorrow. I always look forward to the start, but I know that it's not going to be an easy day for me. As you know, my mom lived back east. Due to the time difference, and my schedule, the mornings, during my breaks at school, were usually the times when we'd talk. I'm going to miss her advice, her support, her stories, her laughs, everything, and it's going to be so weird to not be able to talk to her about the semester. The worst of it is that I'll probably graduate by next summer. That'll be a hard one. But I know she's watching me, telling me to go to school, to get my degree, to be happy. Easier said than done. Well, nothing more for now. Thanks for listening.

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Chuckles,

Ah...the questions, the "what ifs"...they will surely drive you crazy! I go through that too. It's hard to let them go.

I miss my moms advice and telling her things that no one else cares to hear and just talking about things! But, I'm also glad my moms suffering is over and I have to remind myself of that when I get really down. I guess that's all we can do, just try to find the "positive" side of it.

Good luck with school and tell us how it's going. We aren't your mom, but we're interested!

Hugs,

Shell

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I miss my moms advice so much too. I have a lot of things going on with this grief that I would always talk to my mom about but she's not here and what I do, is write to her and honestly, this may sound weird but I hear her in my head. When I do certain things, like if I don't buckle up I hear, Dawn buckle up. Or when I'm sad, I hear it will be okay, it just takes time. Even though I know my moms presence is around me, I want her 3d, it's not the same. They say it gets easier but not sure what "they" really know what they're talking about. When you graduate, your mom will be there in spirit and will be smiling from ear to ear with excitement.

Take care

Danw

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Dear Dawn,

I know she'll be there when I graduate, just as she was for my first degree but in a different way. You know it's interesting how fate works out. I began by getting my associates, and the degree took forever to process so I didn't get the physical degree until mid march of this year. It just so happens that it was a week before my mom's sudden passing. She was so thrilled to hear I final got it, and so so proud. I'm glad I was able to mark at least that milestone with her.

So I started classes today. For the most part I was okay, but when I first drove past the school sign I bust into tears. I gave myself the minute to "talk to her" and feel better. And the rest of the morning went smoothly. Shells, I really know what you mean about talking with her about stuff no one else would really be interested in. Although people ask me about school and work, she wanted to details, and I mean all of them. "How's the professor, how's the work load, is there a coffee shop near by..." Ahh, where o' where have you gone ma? Well one day down, I miss her like heck, but I think I'll be fine. Thanks for everyone's support.

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I know this is going to sound crazy- but, true..

My mom was my worst critic- if I wore something new she would give me her opinion- I hated that then, but now- I can't stand not having it!!! If she liked or did not like the way I cut my hair she would tell me..... I MISS THAT!!

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No kidding!!! I used to think my mom was so negative, and it used to bug me because I'd say something and she'd constantly play the devil's advocate. Now, what I wouldn't give to hear her opinionated self once more. It makes me laugh to think that some of the most memorable characteristics are often the ones that used to drive us nuts. I was also just getting over the stage of being embarrassed by things she would do. Typical teenager reactions to parent behaviors I guess. I remember telling my mom the last time I saw her that I was sorry for being a brat, and never letting her say no. My mom was so funny, she was such a goofball. I hope I'm half that silly when I become a parent, it would make her proud, I'm sure...

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That is funny! I'll be doing something and say, "Yeah, I know Mom, I should do it your way, but I have to do it my way now!" I'll laugh because I can just see her watching me and fussing that I shouldn't be lifting something heavy or whatever I'm doing at the time! And, of course, then I feel sad that she's not here to fuss at me. Ot tell me something good, like the new dress I got looks great! She was about the only person who could boost my confidence. I miss her feedback sooooo much.

Hugs,

Shell

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Haha, so true. You know what happens to me, my mom used to be obsessed with seatbelts. It's a good thing but it used to drive me nuts because she would have just sat down and already she'd be asking if I had my seatbelt on. She also used to swing her arm out to the passenger seat everytime she had to stop quick. Sometime's she'd kind of pumble me with her arm and I'd be like, "ma!! I'm good! You know I have my seatbelt on, how's your arm gonna help anything!" But, like mother like daughter, I now put my seatbelt on without even thinking about it, before I even start the car. And I might have a person, a purse, or a freaking piece of paper in the passenger seat, but my arm instantly goes out to protect it. There are so many of these little situations. I was an only child with a single parent so my mom was my number one influence, my best buddy, my protector, my teacher, my everything, and I'm so glad these traits of hers wore off on me. I miss her terribly, but at least I know she's inside me with every step I take.

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  • 3 months later...

Chuckles I see ou will be fine you have a sense of humor as I do.My dad died 3 weeks ago today from lung cancer he founf out 5 months before he died he was a great man he was only 64 still lots of energy and loved to run here and there but he got lost when they told him his fate I miss him so much Im not angry at him or god I just get lonely for his voice I had to erase his celll number off my contacts that was hard.you keep up the sense of humor you will be fine Teresa Bennett :lol:

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