Numb, Just Going Through The Motions Of Living

[walter/Erica]

Hello all and thank you for helping me thus far. today I feel numb, is that normal.....?Not feeling the intense pain of a few days ago,instead a painless, dull, everpresent void. i feel like i am a shell housing nothing if that makes sense. I laugh, work, move and smile but I feel that my smile does not reach my eyes or my heart / soul.i just feel so anchorless, God, my main anchor feels so far away, and Walter my other anchor has passed on.

My prayer si that God will jsut help me get through each and every day. I feel at times like curling up and just not going anywhere or doing anything

I pray that God will just lead me gently on this journey

[dpodesta]

Erica,

What you are feeling is normal. You will go through periods of intense pain and saddness and then there will be days of numbness. I can remember those time periods where it felt like God wasn't with me. Looking back I realize that He never left me. Even whenit felt like He wasn't there, He was carrying me. He will get you through this. I remember many mornings when it took every ounce of energy to get out of bed. I can remember many evenings where all I wanted to do was crawl up in a corner and do nothing, however I had a child to take care of so I had to keep moving. There were several times that all I could do is pray "God help me" I will tell you it does get better it had now been 16 months for me and I can see light again. Looking back on my first months everything looks so dark. Just keep praying and keep coming here and posting and it will get better.

Love always

Derek

[MartyT]

Erica, dear ~ I know from your e-mails to me yesterday that (like me ) you're not really comfortable with computers, and since you're so new to our site I want to be sure you know about one very helpful feature. (It occurs to me that some others reading this post may not know this, either.) As Derek points out, although he is farther along on this journey than you are now, he still remembers how he felt when he was where you are now. To get a real sense of that, you can simply click on Derek's name (dpodesta). That will take you to Derek's Member Profile page. At the top right of the page, click on the link entitled Profile Options. Then you'll see a pop-up window appear. Click on Find Member's Posts. Now, if you like, you can read all of Derek's posts (all 18 pages of them!) since he first joined our family back in June, 2006. Actually, anyone can do this by clicking on any member's posts on our site.

[dpodesta]

Thanks Marty,

I have done that once before but it was a long time ago and I have long forgotten about it. I am not one on journeling however it is easier for me to post. This gives me the opurtunity to see where I have been and how far I have gone especially when I hit one of those valleys and think I haven't gone anywhere.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Erica,

Yes, what you are feeling is very normal...I think the numbness is kind of like shock. Sometimes the body turns off the feelings as a way of self preservation until such a time as the body can better handle it, especially if it's an overload. Like Derek said, there will be intermittent feelings of intense pain, and numbness. Also, like Derek said, even though you may not feel God is there, He is. You will go through a lot, but you will move through the different stages of grief and gradually come to adjust. It's hard, it takes a tremendous amount of effort, none of which you may feel up to right now. My children are grown and don't need me like Derek's son does him but still, no child wants their parent to commit suicide so between having my family and my faith, even when I felt abandoned by God (I wasn't, it was just my feelings) I knew that suicide could not be an option...the thought sounds alluring at times when the pain is so great and everything is so overwhelming, but at no point can it be an option. I say this because most of us feel that way at some point. Be prepared to tell yourself that you will get through this and we are here to listen, to care, to understand, to help in any way we can. We have been there. We are there. Our thoughts are with you...

Edited August 16, 2007 by kayc

[walter/Erica]

Derek, you sound such a wonderful Christian. Its so encouraging to hear you say that God has helped you thus far, you seemed to have made progress on this journey and this gives me great hope. In which month did you feel a breakthrough in your grief, by that I mean better....I am in my 6th month and I feel jsut the same as when I first lost him. No break /respite from one day to the next

God Bless

Erica

[dpodesta]

Erica,

Thank you, as I think about it I would say is was around February which would make it month 10. Keep in mind that around the 6 month mark is when you start coming out of the shock. I think that is when your mind starts realizing that it isn't a dream. At 6 months it seems like it has been forever, but it has really been short. Just keep going one day at a time, keep asking God to help you through this and he will carry you. Just remember that each of us are different in our grief journey so it may happen quicker or maybe longer for you. Don't let it discourage you, it will get better just let youself feel your feelings.

Love always

Derek