Steps Backwards

[teny]

I feel desperate and reading the post ofWalt c made me feel that there is no hope of ever geting easier >Waching TV with the news of all total catastrof around is like hell. Fire is under controll but what left behind is unbelievable.As I go back in memorie is also this time of the year that YIANY got the first cancer atack.That is steel hard to believe he is gone for ever.Yesterday by going to bed I thought that if I take more of my sleeping meds I gan go find him then my litle grandsun came and gave me a hug and I have no gourage of good by .I have no life and I do hate my new title Widow.Im not anybodys love Im not proud any more of being awomen that her husband was so much in love with her.WHY? There are so many couples that are not inlove and are together .WHY WHY WHY? TENY

[walter/Erica]

Dear Teny I know how you feel...feel similarly alot of the time. How long since your darling husband passed on and how long were you married for?

We took a great risk by loving our husbands so much, but we also lost much when they passed on, but then again we experienced so much happiness with them.

My therapist told me only on Monday, its because we had such blessed marriages that we are grieving so intensely. Its a wonderful tribute to them , even if they are now completely oblivious of what we are going thru. She actually mentioned that there are clients she counsels, who have lost their husbands but FEEL so guilty that they are not feelind any sadness or grief at thier losses, becuase of the rotten marriages they had, She says they have done the grievinng in their marriages.

Thank God for the brief time we had with our special men

God comfort you and flood you with His presence right now. amen

[teny]

Thank you so much for your reply and your conforting words.I was merried 40 years.Yiany died of cancer within 10 days He had no symtoms and it was so sudden Sunday the 2 is going to be 10 months.It is hard tohard.

[dpodesta]

Teny,

I remember all too well the feeling of hoplessness. I was on sleeping pill as well and I can remember on many occassions thinking I could just take the whole bottle and be done with it all. I wouldn't have to feel the pain any more. Then I would remember my son and think of the impact on his life if he lost both parents so close together. You didn't have a child however you had a grandchild remind you. I know the pain is unbearable and I wish that noe of us had to go through it. However like Erica said that is a testomny to how much you loved your husband. I am sure you have heard this over and over, but I am going to say it again. I will get better, take it one day at a time. Don't try and look at the future right now. If you do all you see is lonlyness and that just makes it worse. As time goes on you will start to look at the future and it weon't look so bad. You have a lot going on right now in your life and in your country all of that is going to be gard to deal with. Take care of yourself and I will be praying for you.

Love always

Derek

[ustwo]

Teny, your pain screamed at me this morning. I know all you are feeling since I am approaching 27 months into this journey. I lost my mother 3 months before my wonderful husband passed away. Two months later I was sitting alone facing the possibility of Katrina. God spared me the devistation of that storm. But I sat alone in the dark for 4 days with my grief. I had 28 years with the love of my life. I was 29 years old when God blessed me with the amazing man that would be my soul mate forever. I don't know if I'll be able to put to word how grief does change. With time the daily intense pain will change. It will become easier to cope with the days. It took me a year to fully accept this reality. I don't like it...I don't want it......I want my husband back every moment of everyday but that cannot be. I have posted this statement before....advice from a friend of mine for over 30 years who introduced me to my husband. She lost her husband over 15 years ago. I will never be happy the way I was with Gene for 28 years but I will find a different happiness in the peace that will come to my soul in time. I can see it in this dear friend and that's where I get my hope from. I can see it in the many widows in my church..........life does go on in it's own way. The intensity of the pain is less on most days but the deep sadness is always there. It is part of my life now. And there are still deep dark days but they do not go one for weeks. I suppose "moving forward" has a different meaning to each one of us. I don't feel like I have most days but when I go back and read my posts I guess I have taken more steps forward than backwards. Teny, hang on to all here. Someone is always walking besides you, ahead of you....holding out a hand of hope. Take it one day at a time. I don't ask Why anymore.....I've accepted that God knows what he is doing. And I carry Gene with me each moment grateful for his love. Teny, grief will change and get a little easier to bear. I offer you a little hope as my friend offered me.

I wish you moments of peace.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Oh Teny, You ARE somebody's love! You are Yianni's love! Just as George still loves me. We go on in this life only because we have to...we want to be with them again and I, for one, am not willing to chance NOT being with him because of prematurely ending my life...eternity isn't something I want to gamble on. Just as your grandson reminded you of why you are needed here, we all have someone that we continue to live for...children, someone. Your love has not been destroyed, you are just unable to see each other right now. Continue to know you are the most important person in the world to Yianni.

Your Greece is much like our New Orleans was...the devastation is hard to comprehend, let alone understand. We continue to pray for you and for your country. We are so sorry you are going through this, especially on top of the loss you have already suffered. It seems unfair because it is. Our thoughts are with you, Teny.

Edited August 29, 2007 by kayc