Self-confidence

[Corinne]

Hi Everyone,

I have a question. In your grief process have you run into a lack of self-confidence. I am in the process of trying to find a new job now that we are moved in and the girls are settled into school and I don't get it, I have no confidence in my abilities. I am very capable and have a good work history and resume. I almost have to tie myself down to look at the ads and email resumes. I also get panic attacks when I think about getting a response and having to go on an interview. Just wondering if anyone else has gone through this? It is really starting to get on my nerves.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[Gail_R]

Corinne i have had the same feelings also.But not from looking for a job mine is from taking over our farming as Bruce took care of all of it, and now it is up to me to make sure that it all rans as he would have done it. That keeps me up at night trying to make sure that all the bills are payed the boys do all the field work and barn work but still I am always second guess myself. Not sure if I am doing things right or not. So just know that you are not alone I think that we all feel like this. Gail

[karenb]

Gail....I admire you soooo much for doing what you're doing. That really takes "hootspa!" Bless your heart. I'll bet it occupies your mind as well. Cheers to you!

Corrine....that is a feeling so many of us have...jobs, interviews, new people! It really is something no one wants to do, but you're out there doing it. Cudos to you, too. We just go on, don't we. You sound like you're doing great and such a good mother. Here's Cheers to you, too!

Your friend, Karen

[suzanne]

Corinne

I had all of those feelings before Will died. He was my confidence. I hope you will find the confidence you need. I'm not looking for a job at the present but I would find it difficult. I have been through several lay offs with closing of companies. One I was with for 14 years. I admire your courage you show for your and your girls. Sorry I can't be of any help. I don't think I have done anything right. But as Gail said, you are not alone.

Suzanne

[Corinne]

Thank you, it does help to know I am not the only one with these feelings!

Gail... I too admire what you are doing.

Karen...as always thank you for your support, you are the awesome Mom!

Suzanne...thank you and know that you are doing the hardest thing right-- SURVIVING!

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[LarrysGirl]

Corinne, I wanted to tell you that my confidence has been shaken since Larry's death. I'm an artist and recently I've been not following thru with showing my work to people that are interested. I've got confidence in my painting but have lost confidence in speaking to new people. Anxiety and panic attacks have tried to take over. Just wanted you to know someone else feels like you. Deborah

[kayc]

My confidence has been shaken too...George was my cheering squad, and when I lost him, it was hard when I had to go out and try to get a job...it took me 5 1/2 months to get one that would pay enough that I could (barely) live on it. But my confidence is getting better as little by little I've had to tackle things...for over two years now I've managed to support myself and pay the bills, and even though my house and yard isn't in the shape I'd like it to be in, I am (barely) making it. I've had to make decisions by myself, like remortgage the house, buy a new car, etc. I haven't always made good decisions but I'm trying and surviving.

Last night I had chest pain and it scared me...and I realized one thing, I want to live, I don't want to go yet. I've been walking every day but I can make improvements in my diet to help my health. I want to live and be here for John. I know life is overwhelming and I get tired and it'd be nice to be on the other side, but I have a lot to do here yet too. I have future grandchildren to meet, animals to take care of, and I want to see if this company I work for will make it or not...I want to see John realize his dream and get his truck out on the road. I want to be here for my friend if/when her husband passes and she needs me (his health is precarious at best). I want to be herre for my kids when they need me in life.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I too feel that I have lost my self confidence and find it hard to make choices that I used to get help with... I am just starting to take chances with my choices now and finding slowly I am getting my self confidence back little by little.. Take care Shelley

[karenb]

Kay....You have to take care of yourself for all the reasons you just stated. I was thinking about you the other day but I have this deadline on my transcription business so I didn't post. But I was just picturing you on your mountain with the woods around you, looking down a rolling grassy slope to a beautiful little stream with forest animals sipping the cool water. I bet I'm not far off, right? Be proactive about your health...it's so important. You take care and have a good day.

Your friend, Karen

Shelley....You just keep taking one step at a time and your confidence will return. You've come a long way already. Try and enjoy your day...it's going to be a good one.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Karen,

No, you're right on...you can't see the creek from the house most of the time unless you peek just right in between the woods, but you can hear it. And yes, the backyard is on a downward slope, how did you know? Lots of trees, mostly Doug Fir but also some Pine, Vine Maple, a Madrone tree, all kinds of trees, ferns, bushes. And lots of wild critters, I love listening to them (all except for the cougar we had a couple of months back...I can do without him).

[karenb]

It's just what I pictured, isn't that funny! Jack and I fished and hunted so I was wondering if you have any firearms for protection.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

I don't have any guns, but I do have a stun stick for my walks in the woods. I have been thinking about getting a pistol but don't have money for one right now. John gets nervous about me going for walks in the woods at night and after the encounter in the backyard with the cougar, I'm more inclined to agree with him. Come winter I'll stick to my treadmill.

[karenb]

I agree with John. The treadmill's a better idea. Also, I went online and bought two canisters of pepper spray that shoot about 18 feet. I have one in the bedroom and one in my truck, plus a stun gun. I used to have our whole arsenel of rifles, shotguns and pistols but I only kept the 357. I used to be nervous after Jack died but I'm 100% better now. Sadie Mae sleeps at the foot of my bed and she's a real protector, a big black lab with a big black bark!

Your friend, Karen

[Corinne]

Thank you Deborah, Kay & Shelley, it really helps to know so many of us are experiencing these feelings, it must be another one of the steps in grieving. At least now I know that it is not just me.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[DesertBob]

Let me offer a slightly different perspective for what it's worth.

There is an upside AND a downside when your partner props you up in an area where you feel insecure or are (or feel) weak. The upside of course is that you feel emboldened to do things and see things through that perhaps you otherwise wouldn't; or at least it makes it easier.

The flip side though is that you may or may not actually grow as a person in this area. Sometimes, all it takes is a little encouragement to make you see that you can do something; other times, you actually have to do it *all by yourself* to be convinced that you are capable of succeeding and that your success was not simply because of your partner's support, or because they were some kind of lucky charm.

If you feel insecure it may be an opportunity to discover inner strength that will surprise you. Maybe your partner was not cheering you on just to be nice. Maybe they really believed in you. Maybe you should, too. They'd want that.

In my case, Linda was my sunshine. I hesitate to put it that way because she was not one of these annoying people who are mindlessly radiant with their face frozen in a rictus of grinning 24 hours a day. You know the type, they have so much natural dopamine flowing through their veins that EVERYTHING is pleasurable. No, Linda was grounded and practical, but she was a GREAT encourager and wonderful at help you figuring out what you want / need and then encouraging you to "go for it".

In the past couple of years as she became desperately ill, that fell away and our roles were reversed. I had to be HER sunshine. As I've said elsewhere, I did less than a perfect job of it, but I did pretty well -- for a German.

So MY insecurity is keeping a positive attitude on my own. This is as needful for me as putting bread on my table. I am determined not to become a crochety old man. If I ever see Linda again she is going to say, "well done!" (after she comes to from the shock).

Our spouses, in these areas where they were our strength, were also I think put there to help us grow. Now we have to do it ourselves. I think we can. I think we must.

--Bob

[karenb]

Here, here, Bob! Cheers to you, it's exactly the way I feel. Nice to hear.

Your friend, Karen

[suzanne]

Bob

Thank you for your encouragement. I know my husband believed in me, but it is just so hard to do it by myself. I know what he would want but he's not having to do it. Yes I have done some things I thought I couldn't do. But simple things I should have known all along. I allowed myself to be totally dependent on him. Wasn't his fault. I just let it happen. Now I have learned to balance the checkbook, put washer fluid in the car when I didn't even know where it went. Guess that is some progress. One step at a time as they say.

Suzanne

[kayc]

Bob, Thank you, your words are very true and it was a good reminder of what we needed to hear. I was fortunate that George was not a controlling take-over type of person, but he was a great encourager and believed in me. You are right, this does stretch us.

Karen,

My kids got me some pepper spray, I don't usually carry it as during the week I just walk the dogs on our street and so far it's been light enough out, but it's starting to get darker way earlier now...last night I got home a little late and had to use a flashlight. I will only have my son's dog one more week and as my dog is older and well trained and she can walk whenever she wants on our property, I won't have to worry about taking her for walks...Skye, on the other hand, can't be off a leash or chain and is a young Siberian Husky that has huge amounts of energy and strength and it is imperative that I walk him every day as soon as I get home, it's an absolute need of his. In one more week I can go back to the treadmill, but I will miss my walks, it's not the same. Usually on the weekends John and I take the dogs out someplace special, in the woods or somewhere different for them so they aren't so bored, plus we enjoy the change of scenery, but then it's daytime and I'm not alone. We do have to worry about hunters this time of year, there's always those people who shoot when they see movement, so for the Fall it's best to stick to a beautiful haven like Greenwaters Park in Oakridge, it is gorgeous with natural surroundings, trails, and has a river, and it's perfect for the dogs. They can even swim in the river (Skye swims with his leash). I used to walk every night in the woods between 10:00 and midnight but a lot of people feel it's not safe so I probably won't do that anymore. It's not so much the animals you have to worry about as people. I've run into bear before and as long as you don't come between a mother and cub you're okay...if you do run across one, just go back the way you came from and you're okay. Cougar are another thing...I hadn't known they'd be down this far (elevations wise).

About guns...more women end up getting their guns used ON them than using them properly themselves. If you're going to have a gun, you need to make sure you have the guts to use it and that you have learned to shoot it well. I don't think I'd have a problem with the gumption part but if I got one, I'd take it out to the shooting range and practice. If you're going to let someone wield a gun away from you or going to be all soft about shooting someone when they're endangering your life, you're probably best off not to have a gun and to stick to using your mind instead.

Anyway, sorry to go off on that tangent, but it really is a relevant issue, especially with women who are now living alone for the first time in their lives. I've been alone much of my life, even while married, so it's not really that new to me. I do have a state trooper that lives about two blocks from here and I have his home phone number if anything arises too.

Karen,I didn't know you guys hunted, did you do so as well? I was born on a deer hunting trip, my mom was 7 months pregnant, tromping up and down hills, and went into labor...so I guess it's in my blood. My kids' dad hunted, as does my son.

[karenb]

Kay.....Yeah, I've hunted for years and been around firearms since I was about 11 or so. I kept the 357 because it was a gift. I don't plan on using it, it's nice to have. Jack and I hunted a lot, mostly deer but I've gone elk hunting as well. We used to butcher them in the garage. Well, I'm going to run. I have a home transcription business for courtroom proceedings and I've got a deadline here. You have a nice weekend. Talk to you later.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Kay I have a question for you. Steve was a hunter also and also loved going to the range with his pistols. There is a compound bow in his closet along with a couple rifles and shotguns and I believe 2 pistols of which one is a 357 Magnum. I am not looking to make a large buck with these but I do not have a desire to keep them, nor any of the ammunition in there. Since I know nothing about these at all is there someplace I can go that someone would buy these from me for a price? Do I have to have a license to sell these? Any help you could give would be appreciated. I do not want to advertise them and have strangers come to my home.

Thanks,

Love Wendy

[Corinne]

Hey Wendy,

I also hunted with both Jimmy and John. When Jimmy died I had to sell some of his rifles and pistols because I needed the money. You can usually sell them at gun shops. You said you work with a bunch of guys. If I were you I would check with some of them as to who in your area buys guns and will give you a fair price. You can also call around to the gun shops in your area to see who will buy them. You do not have to have a license to sell them.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne