Gail_R Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 It is 9 months today that my beloved Bruce passed away. I am having a hard time with this. I'm so lost there are day's that I'm not to bad and day's like today that I am having a really hard time with this living without him. i ask myself all the time why us why? Life so unfair. What the hell we do that was so bad that he had to be taken away from me at such a young age we still had a whole life time to live together and now with thebirth of our first grandchild on the way in May. Bruce will never see this beautiful bunddle of joy . He will never here him or her say grandpa I love never see him or her walk talk etc. why is life so unfair? I feel like the only time that I post is when I am feeling down and soooo sad like today. The other day I thought to myself hey not a bad day so maybe I will try and clean out the closest and dresser and pack Bruce clothes well that went like hell broke down cried for hours put all his clothes back wish I had the strenght to do this but I just cann't. I miss him so much my heart is breaking and somedays I just don't feel like doing this anymore. I just want the hurt to stop. Bruce I miss you and will love for ever. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Oh Gail I know so much how you feel, it hurts so bad. I guess we all have our good and bad days and some seem even worse like you are having today. Believe me we have all been there and are still going through this right with you. I just hit my 7 month mark and I know I am better than I was but yes I agree this hurts like hell and has destroyed all of our future plans. Makes you wonder why people even plan for the future as you never know what the future will bring as we have all found out the hard way. Hang in there kiddo, we are all going through this with you, keep writing, it does seem to help to get it all out and share with people who will not judge you and do understand completely. Try to do something for yourself today and I hope the rest of your day goes better and don't forget as someone said here to "breathe."Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 I'm sorry Gail...It really is just so hard. Down the road you won't be asking about the why's, what did he do to deserve this, life's unfair and you'll start thinking about the most wonderful times of your life. We'll continue to love them and cherish those great memories, but, as you know, it's up times and down times. Where would you be if you hadn't loved your Bruce so much - that old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Your heart is a blessed thing and I feel it's very good to share it, and now with all these good people here, your friends.Your friend, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted October 20, 2007 Report Share Posted October 20, 2007 Gail, I know you miss him so much. Nine months feels impossible, I know. My 2 year anniversary is coming in Nov. and I still have not moved his clothes. I try, like you, but just can't bring myself to do it. I feel comforted by them, I touch them and remember all the times together. I know people around me have tried to get me to pack up some things but I have to do it on my own time, if ever. It is hard for all of us who have lost the one's we loved. I don't know about getting easier with time, its changed but I wouldn't say easier. I'm heartbroken without him. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Gail, its 7 and a half months for me and I am feeling alot like you do. I found myself once again asking Gode the whys tonight..... Just now while taking an evening walkWhy us at 47 years old, why wasnt he allowed to share any of my childrens weddings or see any of our grandchildren, why after we went through so much with the cancer was my husband still taken away? Why ...I know that when I ask why its usually my anger surfacing again,and its a horrible space to be in.All of this was triggered off by a baptism of a baby this morning, which he didnt attend with me, and a family birthday party this afternoon. the worst was beside not attendingany of these gatherings with me, He wasnt even at home when I got home.....It doesnt seem fair and I am so sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Erica I know how you feel that is me. These last 9 months have been a living HELL. Like you we had so many things that we wann't to do. We have one more child to marry off and he would have seen them all married but John my youngest son will not have his dad at his wedding when ever he decides to get married. And now with our oldest son Mike and his wife Melanie wxpecting their first baby in may Bruce will not be here to see him or her being born that if just not fair. My Bruce is a few years older then your husband he was 53 when he passed away with no woring and now it is 9 months later and life as we know it is know longer the same. Thanks for being there and understanding what it is that i am going through. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Gail, thank you. I am just so tired. Can I go on? My body is so sore . every muscle aches. has been for weeks. Do you think its part of teh grief..should I see my Doctor. My 9 months will be in December...all those holidyas. Lord plesae have mercy on all of us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Erica if you are not feeling well a doctors visit is not a bad idea. I know myself there are day's you just don't feel well like me you are not sleeping well and not eating right that will make you feel not so good. I think that we are around the same age I'm 49 and have three growing kidds. My son Mike is 30 and my son John is 27 and daughter Christina is 24. Someday's I feel like they donn't need and then there are other day's that they tooare having a hard time with their dad's death. Like you I am not looking forward to Christmas that was Bruce's favorite holiday. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Gail and Erica...Please, I don't want to interrupt, but Erica if you've been feeling this way for two weeks I agree a doctor's trip may help. Things do happen in grief, I know, but I'd sure have it checked out. Thank you for letting me interrupt.Your friend, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 I wanted to add that many people I know that are grieving suffer from body aches and pains. A gentleman I know who lost his wife said his body hurts everyday (something he did not have prior to her death) and that he felt he'd aged 30 years. I know my joints hurt some days for absolutely no reason. Of course a doctors visit never hurts. I just wanted you to know that aches and pains sometimes can just be the awful grief. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 Thanx for the advice. I also read widely taht body aches and pains are part of grief, however I did schedule an appointment with my Doctor for tomorrowI think I need some time off from work...havent had that luxury..Will see what Dr says. I dont want to be dishonest, so I have applied for annual leave for Thursday and FridayLove you all. You make it easier for me and I thank God for this site and I pray that God will bless each of you in a really special and tangible way today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 Absolutely, see a doctor. Such pain usually suggests inflammation either from infection, disregulated immune system, auto-immune problems, or various neuropathies that can amplify your perception of pain -- all of which can indirectly be caused by grief ... but all those things need separate medical evaluation regardless of the cause.--BobGail, thank you. I am just so tired. Can I go on? My body is so sore . every muscle aches. has been for weeks. Do you think its part of teh grief..should I see my Doctor. My 9 months will be in December...all those holidyas. Lord plesae have mercy on all of us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stallyn Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 Gail, A doctor visit is a good suggestion, like you I held off for 8 months and so many things happen temporarily within our bodies coping with grief, I mentioned before I feel like 30 years has whipped by. If its possible, can you take 7 days off? Love,William Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 I would like to say thank you to everyone who have posted. It helps to know that you are not alone. Last night was a really bad night all I wanted to do was cry could not sleep. God I hate nights like that. Miss Bruce so much never in my wildest nightmares did I that that 49 I would be a widow that is not suppose to happen at our age . We have been cheated out of so many years. Someday's are not so bad and then you have a night like last night and back you 5-6 steps and have to start all over again. Think today I will get out of the house and go and see my mom and dad. Thanks again to all if my friends. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 Gail I know what you mean, I am 49 years old also. Funny thing is I always told Steve that I wanted to be the one to die first when we got old. Well my sweet Steve went first and we are not old. Life can be so unfair and it stinks that we have to find out the hard way.Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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