walter/Erica Posted October 29, 2007 Report Share Posted October 29, 2007 Hi Friends, havent posted in a while but as I read thru the e mails i am feeling like many of you do..Sad, miserable, tired, envious( of other who are still married)lonely , plain sick and tired! I just miss him so much and this feeling has been almsot pervasive for weeks, now. Very similar to the way I felt in the first few months after losing Walter..I wake up with this horrible feeling, and go to sleep with the same aweful feeling. Why? Why? why?The blood results from the Dr were fine. Its grief..pure and simple!Please pray for me. Its just so sore, cant imagine that I was "okay" a few weeks agoI still feel like joining Walter in Heaven, but like many of you, I think about Jody and Jill and that I cannot do this to them. They have been traumatised enough by the death of their father, and its this, that I need to remind myself all the time. More importantly that its NOT Gods time for me to die yet, maybe I will be okay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 29, 2007 Report Share Posted October 29, 2007 Erica I know how you feel. It has been 9 months since Bruce passed away and it is the hardest thing that I have ever lived through. I ask the same question that you are asking WHY WHY WHY and I yet to figure that out so maybe we can do that together. I like you would much rather just crawl back into my bed and sleep the rest of my life away but that would not be fair to the kids so with that said we should pick ourselves up and try with everything we have in us and try to make the best out of this hand we have been dealt. Hope your day gets better. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 30, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Gail, thank you. Im sorry if I asked this question before, but how old are your children? I have been really missing Walter and in deep emotinal pain the last 10 days. I have learnt to " ride the storm" and with Gods help i am doing that. I know I will feel better at some stage. What are your thoughts and feelings on the approaching Christmas season. It used to be the best time of the year for our family.....I am approaching the season with apprehension, but also trusting God to carry me through speediliy and all of us on this site Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Erica my kids are Mike my oldest will be 30 on Dec9th, John my second is 27 and Christina the baby is 24. I know how you feel with christmas just around the corner Bruce was a last minute shopper he and our duaghter always went shopping for my christmas present together that was their time. He would take her out and they would go and look to find the prefect gift and to me it didn't matter what is was as long as they did this together and they had been doing this together since her was young. I think that you and I are about the same age I turned 49 in July we would have been married 31 years on Sept 18th. This has been the year from HELL I wish that I could turn the clock back and start the year all over. Like you these last few weeks have been a living hell I feel like I'm to the first few weeks after Bruce's death. I guess this is more information then you asked for sorry there are not many people that don't ask about Bruce much and I'm not sure why is because they are afraid that they will upset me not sure. Hope your day gets better just know that I am thinking about and know what it is you are going through. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnieO Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Gail,Thank you for bringing back some wonderful memories for me.My dad and I used to go out, just the 2 of us and Xmas shop for my mom. We would alway shop and then go to lunch, same restaurant every year. My mom died before Xmas last year and now he is gone too...but I had not thought of all of those lunches and shopping trips for so long. I know your daughter will miss her dad so much this Xmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Annie I know that Christina will miss her and dad's shopping trips this christmas. Not sure how I can help with that??? Any suggestions form anybody would help. Just thinking about christmas feels like my heart is being riped out of my chest,crying right know just thinking about I miss Bruce so much. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 30, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Gail, we have many things in common. I am 48 yrs. I have my son Jody age 25 and Jill age 19. Walter and i were married for 25 years and courted for 5 years. So for 30 out of my 48 yrs i knew him intimately.A lifetime, which if it werent for my children and my strong belief in My God who is responsible for perfect timing, I would want my life to end!Do you work?... I am sitting at my desk right now feeling physically ill..not sure if its my anxiety levels or a drop in blood sugar. Just feeling so shaky...This current bout of blues have beeen with me for about 10 days..no letting up yet...I am just clinging to God to help me get thru each day, no each second. this is so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Hey girls, I am at work so I can't write too much now but I just wanted you to know I am right there with both of you. My husband would always go Christmas shopping with my daughter also so I know she is going to be lost this year without him. My oldest daughter is 27 next month and my youngest daughter is 22 this past May. I am 49 and Steve and I were married for 28 years but also courted for 5 years prior to getting married, wow we are all at the same point right now. Nov 7th will be 8 months since I lost my Steve and I am in a panic as to how I am going to handle the holidays especially since dinner is at my house !Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted October 30, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Wendy, my 8 months will be the day after yours, on 8th November. At least you will be so busy ....who will be coming, just your children or the extended family and friends as well? i made sure that we are at Walters siters home with his family. I think for me it will be harder being at my own home.I will however still cook and bake my shareof goodies...Initially I was so tempted not to decorate the house at all, but I read in one of my grief books thats the wrong thing to do! ..to make as if Christmas does not exist. The author suggested taking out just some of the trimmings and I will do that...I have so many... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 My inlaws live in Colorado (thank goodness) and I have not heard from them....nice huh? Anyhow initially my Mom was going to have Christmas for me but since she just got out of the hospital it would be too much for her too and I can't ask muy sister as she is doing Thanksgiving. There will be my Mom and Granmother and 2 Aunts and my sister and her husband with my 2 twin nephews and my oldest daughter and her husband and my youngest daughter and possibly her boyfriend so that is....I guess 12 people? I already told my mom I am getting dinner catered this year...no cooking at all. Just put the pans on the sterno thingies and come and get it and find a place to sit down. Just bring a couple desserts and I will put out a few hor deurves and thats it ! How about you?Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Erica and Wendy as for working no. Bruce and our boy's and I guess myself farm. But I don't do any of the work I take care of the books and make such that they are feed. Like right now I have burgers of the bar-u-q have to take them to the field as they are taking off corn.(combining). talk to you guy's later so nice to have someone to talkbabout all the things that are going through my head Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Gail I so miss my hubby making burgers on the grill, can I have one ? I take onions on mine okay?Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Wendy burger coming with onions. i have always done the grilling with the guy's in the field or in the barn that has always been my job and it is something that I like to do.So yes anytime you would like a burger come on over. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Erica,I have to disagree with the author...I think however it feels most comfortable for you to survive it, ESP. the first year, is not "wrong". Maybe the author felt plunging on through was the right way, but that is HER way, not the "right" way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 Gail that was a great burger ...thanks !Erica I have the same feelings this week. No motivation, very tired, very blah, can't stop thinking about the holidays coming up already etc. I keep falling asleep in Steve's recliner not realizing I am getting tired and waking up in the middle of the night, taking my meds late and then crawling into bed like 3 or 4am and then before I know it the alarm is going off and I feel like I haven't even slept ! I keep saying I am going to get my crap together and start getting into a routine before Derek yells at me (shhhh don't tell him) but each night it is the same. I want to get my life in order but each night ends up the same, it is just like Steve always said, if he wasn't here I would end up sleeping out in the livingroom and forgetting my meds....he was so right and I told him so at the time !Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzanne Posted October 30, 2007 Report Share Posted October 30, 2007 My eight months will be on Friday, November 2 (plus Will died on a Friday), today was two months since my Dad died. I as well feel like I'm going so backwards but I think some of it may be the change of seasons. Weather getting cooler, leaves falling and darkness much earlier, plus the holidays looming ahead. I could never had made it this far without everyone here and one thing I am thankful for as the holidays approach is to have found the friendship and understanding of each of you. I know that each of us has suffered a great loss and have an empty spot within our hearts or we would not be here (two legged or four legged Maylissa) and I pray every day for each of us to find what we need, each in our own way.SuzannePS Gail- burgers grilled out would be so wonderful. Add extra cheese to mine.KayC - I agree with you. First year if you want to avoid Christmas, and do something else, especially with no children, it would be okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted October 31, 2007 Report Share Posted October 31, 2007 Suzanne it was 9 months on Oct 20th that Bruce passed away and it 7 months on the 27th that my grandmother passed away to say that this was and is the year from HELL would be an understament. Now if I can get through Christmas that would be a blessing. If not for my kids I don't think that I would celebrate christmas this year but that would not be fair to them. I guess we have just under 2 months to get ourselves ready. The thoughts of get christmas shopping makes me ill. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzanne Posted October 31, 2007 Report Share Posted October 31, 2007 GailSo glad you have your children to help you through this. I have often times wished we would have a child togther. Maybe it would have been easier, maybe not. I just found out one of my bosses has died tonight (his name is Greg), he has a wife and two children (Leah, Ellen and Stephen). Please remember them in your prayers tonight. He was the longest living person that was on dialysis in the state of Tennessee. That wasn't what took his life, complications from, he fought a long, hard battle, diaslys (sp) three times a week. since three years of age. He was 51. His children are only eight and three. My heart just breaks for them. Holiday thoughts are beyond me at this moment.Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted October 31, 2007 Report Share Posted October 31, 2007 I can assocaite with what you two are saying, Oct 20th of last year I lost a dear friend that I had since kindergarten and we had gotten out of touch for awhile and he contacted me ( was best friends with Steve also) just 2 wks before he died of a heart attack at the age of 48 yrs. Then the following week Steve lost his bleoved Golden Retriever to also a heart problem common in Goldens. Then of course I have 8 months of Steve passing next week. When my Mom was in the hospital all I could think of is I could not go thru another loss and not go off the deep end. Thank goodness she is doing well now. I am so sorry you two also have gone thru a couple deaths within a year.Love,Wendy P.S. Gail I made myself a burger for dinner, not on the grill though but after talking about it I had to have one !!!Oh Suzanne that is horrible news about your boss, I am so so sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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