Don't Know If I'm Ok

[shubom]

Hello Everyone,

It's been a long time since I've logged on. My mother passed away Jan 06 without warning. I still can't believe it. My dad passed away in 1999 without warning also. I miss them both very much. I've learned to move on with my life. And mostly it's gotten better. However I still feel broken. I'm 31 now, but I don't feel like it. I feel older. What hurts is that I don't have the motivation and fiery drive like I did when I was younger. Years after my dad passed, I was able to get 80% of my drive back. Still didn't feel like my 'true' self. But I was happy with my mom and my sister. We were so close, doing everything together. Then BAM!!! my mom passes. Now my drive is slowly at a standstill about 50%. I do what I can to stay afloat. Try to stay busy. I feel like I'm getting stronger everyday, but there are those hard times. Earlier this year, my sister got married. I was so happy for her. But at the same time, sad. Sad that my parents couldn't be there, and since I was the oldest, I had to be the one to see her off. And ever since then, I've been worried about my life. When I will meet someone and have a family of my own. I'm becoming so desperate. Hearing about friends and acquaintances getting married and having babies, just bums me out. I don't want to attend any of the functions or even hear about them. I mean, I'm really happy for them, but that's good for them. While they are gaining family members, I'm losing them ! It's sad. Is it normal thinking like that?!

[shell]

Shubom,

I am so thrilled that you posted! I've often wondered about you and how you were doing. Yes, yes, yes....your feelings are normal! Of course you would feel depressed about it. But there is still plenty of time left for you to get married and have kids, so don't get desperate! It will just happen when you least expect it. It sounds like you are doing ok and I'm so glad to hear it! Hang in there and I hope you post more often.

Big hug,

Shell

[Haley]

Shubom

My name is Haley and I swear you have just replayed my life over, really I lost my MOM April 2006 and my older sister (my best friend) moved away to Maryland and my younger sister moved away to tampa and took my nephews that I watched all the time they were with me all the time, and my brother lives in New york, I am stuck in Inverness where MOM left me while everybody is moving and esploring there lives without me I mean we all were so close that I live in Germany and moved back to Inverness because we missed each other so much and no they are all moving on with there lives my younger sister got married to a guy who is awful and I bit my tongue and went with my kids and it hurt so bad I cried so bad and wished MOM was there but I also feel like they are past all that with them hurting over MOM leaving its like it does not bother them. I pass MOMs house and that does not help no other way arounsd that. I also am ready for change and I am not sure who, what where when why and how.

I have a poem I will type in next time I am on it helps I have to read it all the time just to help

Thanks

Haley

[chuckles1984]

Dear Shubom,

I haven't written in a while either, but I had a really rough day yesterday and thought I could use some "connection" time. I really don't know if your okay, in fact I question if I'm okay all the time. But I guess if we are both feeling the same, than we really are okay, right? I lost my mom very suddenly at the end of march, and I've lost all four of my grandparents in the past four years. I moved to Arizona almost five years ago and I feel like since I moved my whole family has died. I still have my dad, and a younger half sister, but nothing will ever replace my mom. My parents got divorced when I was 2 so my mom was everything to me. My whole life, for better or worse revolved around her. I feel like the first six months after loosing her was a breeze compared to now. I had probably the worst day of my grieving yesterday. I was in tears the whole day. I can completely relate to feeling like 50% of my previous self. IT SUCKS!!!! I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN ABLE TO REALLY, TRULY FEEL HAPPY OR LAUGH SINCE LOOSING HER. I've been looking for a Friday or Sunday support group so if anyone knows of one, or would like to form one, I'm there. In the meantime, hang in there, we all know how you feel, really!!!!

[shubom]

Thank You Everyone for your words of encouragement. Sorry to hear about your losses and what you are all going through. I'm glad I can come here for support. I feel like I'm so lost. None of my family members talk about my mom anymore, and when I start to, then say I'm being 'negative'. Or whatever they want to call it. I just need someone to understand. I feel extremely frustrated.

Yesterday I went to a baby shower and it was ok. But you know..... I started reflecting on my situation and started feeling bad for myself. And since it was coed, everyone there brought their significan other and babies. I spent the whole night comparing myself, asking why not me? I don't want to feel desperate. But it feels like 'time' is closing in on me. I don't know. I just want my mom back. When she was here, things were simple, and all I wanted was to spend my whole life with her. When she lost my father 8 years ago, she was miserable. I cared for her. We became really close. And now, I can almost see how she could have felt. Just the thought of not having someone there in your 'old' age. It's unbearable.

I try to take it day by day, as it comes. I want to focus on the things that make me happy and live my life the best way I can. Thanks Shell for your words of encouragement and validation of my feelings. Thanks for listening to me. I haven't been to a grief group in a long time or even have 1 person I can spill my feelings to. So I'm glad I can post here. I know this is not a counseling dating service. But I just feel like my feelings are stemming from the grief. It all seems to be a part of it, and it's hard to separate, since my life has changed COMPLETELY. I hope someday Chuckles1984.....that we will be able to feel like ourselves again. We just need to hang in there. Thanks Haley, I would love to see the poem.

Again, thank you all for listening and sharing.

[chuckles1984]

Waiting is one of the hardest things in life. Learning to wait, and learning to accept that that is the only "solution" is even harder. I have often thought to myself over these past 7 months, why me? Why did my life have to turn out so rotten? It's a terrible thing that we only realize how easy our lives were after the fact. I never knew how, as you say, how simple my life was until it got thrown into a blender. During my session this morning my counselor reminded me that I need to try not to analyze my grief so much and recognize that what's going on, the feelings I'm having; that it's all completely normal and working on the process is just what I should be doing. Don't be too hard on yourself about husband/child thing. Know that you will always have choices and options but that you need to sort these out in time. There are no quick fixes, the ones that claim to be are not fixes at all but rather stalling techniques. It sure is hard to separate the feeling though. The other day, I felt absolutely awful and I kept trying to find a reason for my feeling terrible. Ex. My boyfriend, my class, my job... But then I realized it was the grief. I think I've come to an epiphany. Grief is like a mental virus. It's not something that can be "cured with medicine". It's something that has to play its course. I know it really can't be cured at all but it is something that will subside. So while we wait, let's talk as much as possible and then maybe we'll know we are/will be okay. For real.

[shell]

Shubom,

While this isn't a "counseling dating service" I've often thought that they should have a dating site for people who are grieving. Maybe somebody does! Anyway, it would certainly be easier to go on a date with someone who understood completely the whole grief thing, huh? As Chuckles so wisely sai, you will always have choices and options, when the time is right. In the meantime, we will help each other through these terrible times.

Hugs,

Shell

[shubom]

Thank you so much. Chuckles1984, you said a lot of things I hadn't even thought about. Like about life being really simple before, until it was thrown into a blender. That really puts a visual effect on how I'm feeling. And then grief as being a mental virus. Thats exactly what it feels like. The mental virus comes up every now and then, and you try to control it, but you can't. Seems like time is the only thing that can ease the pain. I also like the idea of having choices and options, and just taking the time to relax and deal with the grief and just wait.

Yeah, perfect example. I met this guy at a Network Marketing event. Every time I saw him, we talked. However, a few times I couldn't come. He literally had the nerve to yell at me in an email about missing an opportunity, my life, etc. I just ignored it. I didn't know what else to say.....ugh.....my mom passed away, I have a mortgage that's sky high, working 2 jobs, staying busy so I don't feel alone, etc. It's just tough. You don't want to tell someone because you think they'll alienate you, but at the same time, when you don't tell them, they assume certain things. So I don't know. I usually just play it by ear, and when the time is right, I say something. Yes, it would be easier to date someone who understood.

[lyn]

Hello Shubom,

It is perfectly normal to feel that way. I am 29, the man i love so much died 5 months ago. It hurts deeply..very deeply, we would have been married by now. But here i am, alone, trying to go on. I feel my future was taken away from me. I feel cheated. It is still very hard to accept, yet i have no choice but to go on, to face life bravely.

I still find it hard to go out with my friends. They always go out as couples, so happy together. I dont envy them and im happy for them, but it just makes me sad that i am alone. I still couldnt bring myself to attend parties, function, much more a wedding. It is ok Shubom, dont force yourself to attend these events if u feel you are not ready. I know i am not ready for a relationship too. I will feel it when the right time comes. For now, i am enjoying my own company, i am trying to be easy with myself, discovering some skills.

They say that the best thing comes when u dont expect it. I dont know if this is true. But try not to rush into things, fate has a way of making things happen. I have learned this in a painful way. Better not to expect anything, but to live each day as it is and enjoy what it will offer.

I will keep you in my prayers...Take care.

[shell]

Lyn,

You brought up an interesting point, that you are enjoying your own company and learning new things about yourself. I feel that I have truly grown to know myself more since losing my dad and then my mom. In some ways I'm grateful and in other ways it makes me sad, because of the reason. But I have done so much soul searching and having to really face all my emotions, that I know who I am much more than before. It's a tough road, but maybe one of the most important ones we'll ever travel.

Hugs,

Shell

[lyn]

Hello Shell,

I have done so much soul searching too and one day, it finally dawned on me what is my purpose here. I couldnt exactly describe how I feel, but it is a mixture of joy and peace. I feel great that finally, I was able to figure it out. I have a long journey ahead, but I am glad I have a sense of direction now. I ask God for guidance and strength that I will be able to fulfill His will for me.

[shell]

lyn,

That is amazing and such a wonderful revelation! I have figured out a lot of things about myself too. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes something this dreadful and painful to make us grow, I guess. I keep thinking about something I read (I can't even remember where I read it), but it said "Your power is your own". I feel maybe that's the key, for all of us to find our own power and remember to always keep it with us, if that makes any sense! Anyway, I'm so happy for you that you have figured out so much, you are doing a lot of healing.

Hugs,

Shell