Tonight

[walter/Erica]

Hi I am just missing home, Cape Town and you all. I only managed to get my laptop workimng now and i so needed to have the safety net that you all provide. I feel better than my last trip. I was really down and so tearful for 4 days. I am on an intense course with an exanm pending, so this may be my reason for feeling numb and no pain... Or I am having some alcohol at night... Warm fuzzy hazy feeling to numb my grief. I feel a bit bad, as a ChrChristian, should I not be trusting God more... I dont want thsi experienceto be wasted..so much has been lost alreday. I am having teh 2 beers at night. What do you think.. I feel so pathetic , hopeless and I just feel is God ever going to heal me completely, restore my joy and give me a ministry to do for Him.

[dpodesta]

Erica,

DUring the first months after Karen died, I had several beers at night every night, it was the only way that I could numb the pain that I felt. As time went by I realized one night that I hadn't had any beer for a week. It is hard to trust God at a time like this when we are feeling so much pain. Later you will realize that God was doing things for you all along and for myself I came out of this with a deeper faith and closness with God that I have never had before. Hang in there, good luck on your exam you will do fine.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

Gail I got your post thanx. Will chat to you later, watch for my mail

Derek how good to hear from you and I feel better. I have no intention of becoming a drunk, but its so nice to know that in Gods time, He helped you and you are still an amazing Christian.. I had the exact thoughts that you have expressed earlier on when praying, but thought I am just defending my actions. As long as God keeps His hand on me, never lets me go and then uses me in His service when the time is right for His glory.. I just dont want to risk myt salvation by being my own Dr...

[kayc]

Erica,

Just because we are human and feel pain, or even depression, doesn't mean we don't trust God. If I didn't trust Him I might have ended it all a long time ago! Trust is a faith based thing, but feelings are still here to contend with. We will have our ups and our downs, but we are slowly moving in an onward fashion and continuing. It is difficult to measure progress when one is in the middle of it!

I don't think 2 beers a night is too bad, I guess the thing to look out for is dependence...try going without once in a while or just one instead of two. An occasional beer helps a person relax, chill out, and is actually better for your heart. I guess the thing I look for is that we not get dependent on it, that we maybe vary our ways of coping, maybe one night take a walk, one night visit with friends, one night relax and watch a good movie, one night do something you enjoy (for me it's making cards). Be easy on yourself, what we've been through is no easy feat, we are to be commended for making it thus far at all!

[dpodesta]

Erica,

It is said that once you have accepted Christ as your savior that he will never leave you or forsake you, it is also said that once you have accepted Him he holds you in the palm of his hand and that no one even the Father who is greater than he can remove you from his hand. That tells me that once you have accepted Him that there is nothing that even you can do to lose your salvation.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

Thank You Kay C and Derek for your words of encouragement. thank you Lord

[kayc]

Remember that the Bible also says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those that weep. It does not say it is not trusting God if we weep! There is also the passages in Ecclesiastes where it talks about to everything there is a time, a season...when one is grieving, that is the time for weeping...God doesn't take offense at that, He actually expects it. It takes concerted effort on our parts to move forward in our lives, to put on positive attitude and focus, and to begin to move forward in our lives, it's hard, it takes work, it doesn't happen overnight, but little by little, it begins to happen if we work at it. However, deep inside of us there is always that part that is missing, for me it is a George-shaped spot, a part that still remembers, still misses, still hurts at times. With time, that hurt has moved into more of a smile, a remembering in a fond way, a peace and contentedness that he is always connected to me even though we are in different places now. The love is never broken.

[rosanne]

Funny that this subject came up- I had a bad night Sat. evening did not think I was going to stop crying and my husband was there and really did not say much. The next day he said he did not like to see me like that, and he felt that if I trusted God that I would not get this upset- I told him, I do trust- but I am sad- I don't understand why this had to happen to our family- my mom was the rock of our family- and now, I am supposed to be???? I get tired of being strong, you know?

Rosanne

[WendyJ]

Rosanne I am sorry you had a bad night Saturday, I had a bad weekend too. Actually Monday was bad too but yesterday and today I am alittle better, trying to keep my mind busy. I know what you mean about being strong, I am so overpowered about worrying about the house, the bills, the vehicles, the yard, where my daughter is and when she is coming home, the Holidays coming up etc etc etc. I miss someone taking care of me, I miss someone giving me a big hug and telling me not to worry that it will be okay, I miss having someone to eat with and watch tv with and go for drives with and out to dinner. I just plain old miss my Steve ! You are not alone my friend believe me you are not alone.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Roseanne,

Maybe this subject came up for a reason! And I also relate about being tired of being strong...I too feel overwhelmed sometimes. It's funny, because I remarried, on paper, but that husband has never lived with me and I am still on my own, I still have to take care of everything and if it wasn't for my son, I don't know what I'd do, but I don't want to rely on him, he's 23 and doesn't need saddled with a mother to take care of at his young age. It was really hard when I was out of work, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, so much stress! We just had a storm and there's branches everywhere in my yard and on the street and I can't help but heave a sigh at yet another thing to do. I never felt that way when George was alive because we were a team and always worked to get things done together. It's not John's fault he can't help more, it's hard for him to be able to do much when he lives 3 1/2 hours from me (it takes up to six hours in bad weather), and he also works, takes care of his place, and spends his evenings working on his truck in preparation for starting his business...but sometimes it's hard to just always be alone, eat meals alone, spend evenings alone, do chores alone. It's also hard knowing there's only my check to count on and when property taxes or gasoline go up, it's less food for me to eat, you know? I think we all get tired of being on our own. But I can say it gets better, I feel better about it than I used to, I'm more used to it now. And somehow, I've gotten by, almost 2 1/2 years now.

[WendyJ]

You know what my problem will be? Not that I am expecting down the road to meet anyone but I can not see that it will happen anyway. I am such a homebody that the minute I get out of work all I want to do is go home ! I only go places I have to and then walk in the door get in my PJ's and I am done going anyplace for the night. There is no way later on that even if I wanted to that I would meet someone else. I just like to be home and relaxed and comfortable. Is this unusual?

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Well, that's how I am too, but I still met my husband...he was a friend of George's, and he called shortly after George died...he was also going through a lot at the time so every few days one of us would call and check on the other, we became friends and the rest is history. I am too tired to go anywhere at night anyway, my days are too long.

[walter/Erica]

Erica,

DUring the first months after Karen died, I had several beers at night every night, it was the only way that I could numb the pain that I felt. As time went by I realized one night that I hadn't had any beer for a week. It is hard to trust God at a time like this when we are feeling so much pain. Later you will realize that God was doing things for you all along and for myself I came out of this with a deeper faith and closness with God that I have never had before. Hang in there, good luck on your exam you will do fine.

Love always

Derek

Derek I long for that better relationship with the LOrd. I feel so empty now and a bit guilty about numbing myself, however what you shared gave me peace, so I know its From God. Please tell me when did yoiu stop using alcohol and then what was your predominat feelinga at the time. Do you still drink ocaasionally and how many months after Karen died did you develop this wonderful testimony and feel closer to God. Please let mem know. It really helps being able to ask these silly questions and to know that you too have experienced what i am and got out of it. Glory To God. Please pray and intercede for me

[rosanne]

KayC and Wendy,

My heart goes out to you! I am lost without my mom and though we all are going through the same grieving process there are differences. You have the responsibility of everything! I have the responsibility of my dad and I know I don't fit up to mom's standards on the way I take care of him- it seems like right now, I do everything with a lick and a promise- there are not enough hours in the day to do everything we need to, so I do what screams the loudest! I too do not want to go anywhere when I get home from work- I have pretty much dropped out of every organization I was in, trying to get back in slowly- if I do I do, if not that is o.k. too- I am trying to focus on doing something for myself once a day- if it is nothing more than relaxing with a cup of coffee.... Lonliness is a terrible thing... I have been there and at times are there now, you can be lonely in a room full of people!! We have got to be there for one another.

I too can relate to not wanting to burden your child with your sorrow-

my daughter is 25 and we are very close, but I hate it when she catches me down and crying- she was so crazy about her grandmother she is going through it too, but she should not be responsible to pick me up all of the time, she is about 2 minutes away from me... and calls me all of the time- that is the way I was with my mom, called all of the time always at her house, always planning things together- there is a part of me that wants to break that chain with my daugher, because I realize how much being so close can hurt.

We have got to stick together girls!! We need each other.

Love,

Rosanne

[dpodesta]

Erica,

I would have to say that it was around the 5 or 6 month mark that I stopped using alchol on a daily basis. There were a couple of times during that period that I set out to get totally drunk. I can't do that anymore, I just wound up feeling worse than when I started. Yes I still drink from time to time, usually a couple of beers on a Friday night or Saturday afternoon. When I stopped drinking regularly I really don't know how I felt at the time, I was on anti-depressants so I think that helped. I didn't gewt off of the anti-depressants until after the holiday season, but before the year mark. I think the alchol got me through the worst part of the grief so that I could level off. I would say that the begining of this year was when I really started having a close relationship with God (or at least started recognizing it). So around the 10 month mark is when I would say things really started looking up (no pun intended) for me. Hang in there, right now you have the first holiday season to get through without Walter and it will be difficult but you will make it.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Roseanne...I remember when I started talking with John on the phone on a more regular basis, he was really helping me with my complicated grief, not only over George's death, but over his life (he had been a drug user and had bilked me out of thousands of dollars which I learned just before his death)...my son was having a hard time with my interest in John, he had been really close to George and he was still grieving and it bothered him alot...my daughter was on the phone to to my son and I walked into the room one time and overheard her telling him, "Well it's just so nice to hear her (me) on the phone and laughing instead of always crying! You don't know how hard it was to hear that all the time." My son was in the Air Force at the time so he missed hearing me grieve in those early months, but it was my daughter who had come back home to be with me and I hadn't realized how hard it was on her to watch my grief, she felt so helpless. For the rest of my life I will appreciate her care and compassion during that time...but I never want to burden my kids or make them feel responsible for my happiness or welfare. They're good kids, but my mom did that to us and I don't want to do that to them. That's one reason I have worked so hard at rebuilding my life...it hasn't worked out quite like planned, but I've certainly tried.

Edited November 15, 2007 by kayc

[dpodesta]

Rosanne,

I can understand the thinking of I don't want to put my child through the grief process of your own death, however you also have to look at that you don't want to deny your child the relationship between you two. I have heard too many times where a parent dies and the child regrets not spending more time with that parent. Just remember this, we can't spare our children from ever experiencing pain, it is going to happen sooner or later. Also in my own experience from the loss of my wife I have grown from it. Your daughter will grow from the experience and will be a better person once she gets through it.

Love always

'Derek

[rosanne]

Dear KayC and Dpodesta-

Thank you so much for your honesty you have really helped me think about some things. You know one thing that I can say, my mom and I were as close as peas, and never as I became an adult had words only love, to this day- I can not think of anything that I regret with mom, I did everything that I could for her and would have given my own life for hers. Now, I have to try and be that for my dad, he is much harder to make happy!

Thanks so much!!

Love,

Rosanne

[kayc]

Roseann,

And as Derek said, let yourself be that with your daughter as well...you are just as special to her as your mom is to you and you can't allow the painyou feel with losing your mom to rob your daughter of one iota of shared life with you!

Love to you!

KayC