Is Makeover Mania A Grief Symptom?

[KathyG]

Ever since the initial numbness following my husband's death went away, I've become obsessed with the idea of redecorating my house. Right before he died we had decided it was time to get rid of our old ugly carpet and install new flooring. I haven't done anything about that yet (gee, I wonder why). But now, I also feel driven to paint and replace some furniture and make a lot of other changes.

This seems like weird behavior to me. Has anyone else reacted this way to losing a loved one?

I can understand why I want to redo the bedroom because that's where Bill died. But why am I so focused on all these other changes? I think it might be because planning my home makeover takes my mind off my sadness for awhile. Or maybe it's because redoing the house is something I can control -- I had no control over what happened to Bill.

[DesertBob]

A good friend advised me not to make major changes or decisions for one year after my wife's death. He did all sorts of things in the year following his wife's death and he does not to this day know what, if anything, was going through his head during that period. On the other hand he was doing things like selling his house, moving to an apartment, buying a condo, moving again ... what you're discussing isn't in that league, but if you have doubts maybe waiting is a good idea.

I have heard of people doing lesser things ... cleaning out closets, clothing, personal effects ... and later wishing they hadn't been so hasty. How much of that is just the psychology of second guessing oneself, and how much is genuine, I don't know...

--Bob

[suzanne]

Kathy

I just recently did the same thing so I don't think it is weird. Like you, I don't know really why I was so determined. A lot of mine was because all the remodeling was things Will and I had talked about doing and only a few months before he died, he made the remark he would never be well enough to do the things he wanted to do in the house. I guess part of me was doing it as my gift to him, fulfilling what I knew was our dreams together for our home. Sort of, if you can't I will see it done for you. Does that make sense? I still have his clothes in the closet, the dresser, his slippers on top of the freezer where he left them, his watch where he left it. Those things I don't know when I will ever change. And you are right, it did take my mind off of the sadness for awhile. Only now, so much familiar is gone. But I know in my heart everything I've done he would have loved. Just so sad he can't physically be here to enjoy it as I know he would but I feel his presence and approval. I think Bill would approve of whatever you decide. You had already talked about it, maybe he is just giving you the go ahead.

Suzanne

[TeresaBennett]

Wow My mother does the redecorating think but It just makes her happy theres no rules to how we all act or do during these hard times we all are different and thats why theres no certain way to grieve do what makes you happy the mind needs to be filled with things that make you happy so decorate you go girl

[Teri]

My husband passed away 7 months ago and we too talked about remodeling. I have started to change some things. More because it's what we always planned on doing but when he got sick, there was not much time or money to spend on those things. My mother thinks I should get rid of his chair that he was in when he died, but it is a HUGE source of comfort for me and my 3 boys. He didn't just die in that chair, he lived in it. It goes back to the fact that you are the only one that really knows how you feel inside. As I am making changes and fixing things, I feel like I am finishing a job I started with Michael and I know he is with me and would be both happy and proud. Teri B

[WendyJ]

Hey Kathy, I think you are doing what alot of us do is to give ourselves a temporary high that helps take the pain away. All my work was done before Steve passed but I find myself moving things around and re-arranging all the knick-knacks and things just to give everything a new look and to feel good about decisions I made in the house. Then it seems like a week or so goes by and I get bored and do it all over again ! My poor daughter never knows where to find anything anymore and I think she is afraid to walk around the house in the dark that she may need to use her medical insurance for injuries !!!

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Kathy,

Its probably more normal than anything, I have moved, replaced, cleaned just to keep grief at bay, to me it is healthy to dispense all the mania with productivity. Not to mention I am manic depressive, it sometimes is a side effect of depression usually called a mixed mood.

Love,

William