Going To The Party Was A Big Mistake

[KathyG]

Yesterday my employer held a holiday gathering for everyone in the Phoenix office. They had a delicious hot and cold buffet with desserts and drinks including beer and wine. They also brought in professional casino dealers so we could play poker, blackjack or craps for points good toward prizes.

I wasn't going to attend at all, but some of my coworkers persuaded me to "just come for the lunch." So I went. I even played a few hands of blackjack, but I didn't stay long after the meal was over. As I was walking out to my car, a big tidal wave of sadness and emptiness hit me: I felt like nothing was worth anything. I'm not sure why the party kicked this off, because there wasn't anything there that specifically reminded me of Bill. But I had to sit in the car and let myself cry for awhile before I felt ready to drive home. Ever since, last night and this morning, I've been crying. The sadness and emptiness won't leave no matter how hard I try to push it away.

The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder it's getting. I thought I was doing something positive toward healing by attending the party. But it unleashed so much that now I'm sorry I went.

[karenb]

Hi Kathy,

It's a hard time of the year for us all no matter what we do or what we don't do. It's been hard on me, as well, and Jack's been gone over two years now. Yesterday and today I'm helping out at our local food bank at our gift giving event. That seems to help me. Try and just flow with it and do what you need to and try to take care of yourself in the meantime. Soon we'll be into another year. Just take care.

Your friend, Karen

[lyn]

Hi Kathy,

I am sorry you are having a hard time now. I also felt that way the first time I attended a special event after the death of my love. It was the wedding of my childhood friend, and I couldnt decline the invitation so I decided to attend. I did fine in the party, and actually felt happy for my friend. But the sadness hit me right after the party. I regret that I attended for it only made me feel worse even more.

I am conditioning my mind for the coming days this holiday. There will be lots of parties to attend. I know it will be very hard but I intend to try at least to enjoy the moment as it comes.

Let out the tears, crying has a way of healing. There will be bad days but keep the faith that the better days will also come. My prayers are with you.

[DesertBob]

Kathy,

I used to work for a company in Scottsdale that did the casino thing for their company Christmas party too. I thought they were the only ones with such spectacularly bad taste in themes for Christmas gatherings. You make me feel a little less strange for having had to endure a couple of such parties.

As for your reaction ... it doesn't have to have anything to do with your husband specifically. Sometimes it's just the idea of having a good time and he's not part of it.

I maintain that it was still a good thing that you went. Here's what's happened:

1) You surfaced some more of your pain.

2) You experienced the pain.

3) Now you will be able to release that piece and move on to the next one.

The pain is because you loved and were loved. Avoiding it doesn't help. Your psyche will allow you to deal with a little of it at a time. That's what's happening here. It'll pass.

I'm sorry, though, I know how much it hurts ... how huge the hurt is. I hate it too. But when it strikes like this, just know that it's part of the process of working it out and processing it, and as painful as it is, it's the way to a better place.

Hang in there,

--Bob

Yesterday my employer held a holiday gathering for everyone in the Phoenix office. They had a delicious hot and cold buffet with desserts and drinks including beer and wine. They also brought in professional casino dealers so we could play poker, blackjack or craps for points good toward prizes.

[KathyG]

Thanks, everyone, for your encouragement. Bob, I didn't think the party incident had any benefit, but your take on it makes a lot of sense. I'm beginning to realize that this pain and sorrow is too massive and overwhelming to work through in a short time, and it will only happen by dealing with the grief one tiny piece by piece.

I'm also glad I'm not the only one who thought a casino party was inappropriate for a Christmas celebration. One of the organizers had set up her iPod to play music through a sound system, and I actually heard her say, "I have Christmas music on here to play while we eat. But after that, we'll have the GOOD stuff to listen to." Ugh - some people's priorities.

[karenb]

Kathy,

You are SO right, UGH! Some people's priorities sure are hard to understand. Bob has some great points. We certainly take one step at a time.

Your friend, Karen

[Teri]

Kathy,

I too think it was a good idea you went to the party. You had a nice time when you were there and that does count for something. I'm no expert, but it seems like you needed to let go of those tears and the sadness. Some things make me cry and I can't figure any connection between those things and the loss of my Michael. Just take life minute by minute. Teri

[dpodesta]

Kathy,

While I know it was a ahrd thing to do, I think it was good to go. In order to heal you hae to face these things as hard as they are so that you can feel your feelings and not run from them.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Kathy,

It is so soon, it is bound to be hard. What Bob said was keenly insightful..."Sometimes it's just the idea of having a good time and he's not part of it." Also what he said about your having experienced the pain was true too, it's not a bad thing because it's something we have to go through, we can't circumvent it.

Employers and their Christmas parties...it's a wonder we survive this time of year at all! Well that's done, and you survived it! And you are making progress whether you feel like it or not. Pain is no indicator of how we're doing on the progression level. You are right where you are supposed to be, and you won't stay there, it will continue to progress, little by little.